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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

329 replies

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 20:58

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

OP posts:
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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 21:34

Here's the thing, when you hear she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. You assume that's because there is no money.

Whereas she budgeted carefully and realised she couldn't afford both the big day out and childcare. So she looked for some free childcare, explaining that she's struggling financially. Lucky her she got some free childcare, money worries resolved off she goes on her day out. She won't feel the slightest bit guilty that's why she posted on FB freely.

You would be surprised how often "I have no money" actually means "I don't want to spend money on this"

I bet she will see it as you were happy to look after the children so you are wrong to see it as a problem now. She won't have seen it as a charitable act from you. I predict she will be outraged and uncomprehending when you cancel.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 14/10/2017 21:35

I'd be careful, she's asked you for childcare because she said hard up and you've agreed. Does this mean she can't go out at all? Maybe things aren't as rosy as they seem, it is Facebook after all. She may not have paid for any of it.

If you don't want to help her out with childcare then don't, but bringing up her Facebook posts about what she's being doing won't look very nice to anyone else.

For the record, I'd be pissed off too.

ItsNachoCheese · 14/10/2017 21:36

Id retract my offer of childcare...

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 14/10/2017 21:40

I’m with Jane Eyre. You offered in good faith based on her stated need, but it’s clear she’s taking the piss.

Lindy2 · 14/10/2017 21:40

A 6am start for 3 of your 5 days holiday is pretty grim unless you are naturally an early riser. It will affect your whole household.
You say care is until early evening. Have you set a specific time? If not you may find your idea of early evening is earlier than your CF friend who will pop off to do a food shop etc before collecting her child. She's got no reason to rush back she's got free childcare.
12 hours + of childcare is hard going and it's totally unacceptable that she isn't going to pay for basics like food or outings.
I wouldn't do it. I really think you'll resent it if you do. Perhaps have her over for 1 day for a set time but not for all those hours. Just message your friend saying on reflection it's too much of a commitment and you don't feel you can manage it.
There's a reason why childcare costs - it's hard work and a big responsibility.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/10/2017 21:43

How was she planning to feed her kids if you weren’t having them??
Btw, those fecking cats are getting on my nerves, Madd Confused. Every post, there’s a goggle eyed cat in it. What’s that about?

KingIrving · 14/10/2017 21:44

IT happened to me. The feeling of being used and the resentfulness that came from it killed my friendship. So speak up your mind and say you are left a bit uncomfortable and puzzled after seeing her FB and that you would rather have her DD only one day or only the afternoons for the three days.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 21:45

I'd text and say that you are sorry, but your plans have changed and you won't be able to provide childcare after all and you are letting her know as soon as possible so she can make other plans.

She'll know it is because you have seen Facebook, but I don't think you need to spell it out. In fact if you do mention FB she will only come off with loads of excuses.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/10/2017 21:46

sounds like sour grapes to me

RB68 · 14/10/2017 21:50

Hmmm Difficult if daughters BFF. Personally I would contact her and say she is being unreasonable to expect you to care, feed and entertain her DD for free for three days - so can she bring food for the meals she requires (That will be all three starting at flipping 6am) as pack ups or box of cereal etc or alternatively she can provide you with £15 per day as food/outings etc or whatever you deem suitable.

3 days could be 140 quid at a sports thing and wouldn't start till after 9 either

TheNoodlesIncident · 14/10/2017 21:50

It's amazing what people say they can't afford, and yet seem to find £X hundred pounds to buy other stuff. It kind of says, "That's not my priority right now."

Their choices, but at least you know what they deem important, which might reflect on the choices you make...

Leaspr · 14/10/2017 21:51

Sour grapes? No. She’s taking the piss and the op has every right to be angry and feel like she’s being taken for a mug.
She can’t afford to feed her daughter but can go out drinking?
I’d maybe ask her if she still needs you to look after her child seeing as she seems to have suddenly come in to a bit of cash...

wannabestressfree · 14/10/2017 21:52

I love @Madbum’s idea/ text!

Original poster
SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 21:52

it's definitely not parents paying, but could be a friend I suppose.

I know she meal plans and batch cooks the same as I do so I assumed couldn't afford food means there's stuff in the freezer but she couldn't afford packed lunches/money for McDonalds/to buy a couple of frozen pizzas like we sometimes do for each other for evenings babysitting.

But isn't that insane, to post all that knowing you're a FB friend Yes, this is the bit that's getting me the most.

I'm glad its not just me that thinks shes taking the piss, it was a thing I'd like to go to but couldn't afford so couldn't work out if i was just being bitter

OP posts:
EC22 · 14/10/2017 21:53

You can't police your friends spending.
Letting her down at this stage would be really low.

user789653241 · 14/10/2017 21:53

I don't mind losing her as a friend, I would cancel the arrangement. She certainly doesn't treat you as a true friend.

kaytee87 · 14/10/2017 21:55

I'd ask her why she can afford a night out / costume / drinks etc but can't afford to feed her child.

VinoTime · 14/10/2017 21:56

I can't afford childcare and I don't want to pay for childcare are two very different things. Your friend is pleading poverty in order to enjoy a little selfish luxury. Now there is nothing wrong with wanting to splurge on yourself - IF you can afford to. She cannot afford to if she needs to pay for childcare instead.

I understand why you're pissed off OP. It's not sour grapes - it's that crappy feeling of having someone try to take you for a mug, and it fucking sucks!

ladymelbourne1926 · 14/10/2017 21:57

I think before you cancel you should ask her. Just say I saw you out at such a such....I thought you didn’t have any money, and see what she says?
Fwiw I am extremely fortunately in a position where I can afford things more easily than some of my friend and family, I often offer to cover the costs for a night out so someone may have done that for her, knowing she was hard up and needed a break?
If she’s a real friend then there will be an explanation, if not then you can decide from there, but I wouldn’t assume the worst straight off.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2017 21:58

YANBU. No wonder she can afford nights out when she has "muggins" to provide free childcare.

You'll actually end up out of pocket. If you're feeding her little one.
I mean the odd occasion is okay, but not almost everyday out of the holiday. That's abusing a friendship

However if she can't afford childcare as well as nights out and shes going out to work. This needs looking at.
However that's another thread

Willow2017 · 14/10/2017 22:00

quiet
Really?
Your friend asks you to do 3 days of free child are for around 12 hours a day. Can't afford to give you even money for her kids food then goes off on a mad spending spree, attends an event bragging about how much it's all costing her for event, drinks and costume Tec and all you can think I'd that op has sour grapes?

Op is pissed off and rightly so. Her friend is taking her for a bloody mug while she spends money on herself and not her own kids.

kaytee87 · 14/10/2017 22:00

Even if one of her friends offered to pay for the night out surely as a mother who can't afford to feed her child. She would say thank you so much but I would much prefer if you could do a little food shopping for me so I can feed my child in the holiday week.

Does she always put her DDs needs below her wants op?

ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 14/10/2017 22:00

Because I know that my friend's lives on FB are for show, they are the shiny bits. Even if her mum paid for the event and she got the dress in the charity shop...

"Facebook has a very glossy view on things. If you don’t mind having her DD then it doesn’t really matter where’s she been today. It isn’t anyone’s business how she afforded it. If you do mind, just say so."

This.

4dogs · 14/10/2017 22:01

I'd be inclined to post on her fb post. She is taking the piss big time, call her on it. Does she have a long commute to and from work? Her work day seems to be extremely long.

SonicBoomBoom · 14/10/2017 22:03

You would be surprised how often "I have no money" actually means "I don't want to spend money on this"

Agreed.

However, it's pretty cunty to decide that you'd prefer your friend can be out of pocket (feeding your DC) or that you can spend all your money on yourself.

I'd be annoyed. If she'd said "I can't pay you for childcare or their food because I want to spend that money on cocktails and a shopping trip I can brag about on Facebook", you probably wouldn't have offered 3 days from 6am.

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