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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

329 replies

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 20:58

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

OP posts:
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TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/10/2017 22:04

I'd put a subtle comment on one of her "this is costing a bomb" posts. A Hmm or "Really?". Not to embarrass her, just in case she has got it as a freebie, but to let her know you've seen and taken note. Then see how she responds.

JacquesHammer · 14/10/2017 22:08

You can't police your friends spending.
Letting her down at this stage would be really low

You can't police it but you can certainly question it when you're doing them a favour - and a massive one - based on their lack of funds. OP's friend has involved OP in her spending by requiring her to do free childcare.

Willow2017 · 14/10/2017 22:11

A lot of people can't afford to spend loads of money on attending festivals and buying costume, expensive drinks etc and have to prioritise child care not sponge off friends while pleading poverty.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 14/10/2017 22:12

I would text something along the lines of

I've just been working things out and unfortunately the cupboards are a little bare at the moment, I had been hoping to go to X event but unfortunately couldn't afford it, maybe next year. Anyway I know you are struggling too so I won't take the DC out or anything but I think it would be best if you can provide her with a lunchbox and snacks. I think that will be the cheapest way to do it. Don't worry about breakfast, just give her some extra fruit and I will do her 1 round of toast when we have it. Dd is looking forward to seeing her, speak soon

GlitteryFluff · 14/10/2017 22:12

Definitely cheeky fucker.
I'd have to say something (not on FB but text).

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 14/10/2017 22:12

I would do the babysitting as agreed. I wouldn’t mention her spending but I would text or phone her and tell her that you can not afford to pay for her child’s food when babysitting so whilst you are happy to go ahead with the childcare as planned you will need her to provide meals.

Then I would never ever agree to babysit for her again.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2017 22:13

You can't police your friends spending.

Erm she can when she's providing free childcare/food/drinks/entertainment ect ect, when this women is supposed to be on the bones of her arse.

Clueless1315 · 14/10/2017 22:14

Don't do it. I've been doing free childcare for too long. Ppl take advantage as much as we let them. She's not prioritising. Enjoy your half term doing the things you want, with your family and friends x

SlightlyJaded · 14/10/2017 22:17

You keep calling her your friend, so be straight with her.

"Look, I was ok to have your DD to help you out as you said you were on the floor, but your facebook post has really pissed me off and made me feel like a bit of a mug"

And see what she says?

StealthPolarBear · 14/10/2017 22:17

Yes agree she is being very cheeky, how would she plan to feed her children anyway?

TheNoodlesIncident · 14/10/2017 22:18

Letting her down at this stage would be really low

Erm, asking your dd's best friend's parent to look after your child from 6 am to evening, for 3 days - which must be at least NINE meals - and say you can't give anything towards your dd's food is actually pretty low.

And there's time to find another childminder.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 22:18

I would add to JaneEyre's message, 'Please don't embarrass yourself by trying to persuade me to change my mind because that it my decision I won't go back on it.' It was a ridiculous ask anyway - up at 6am when you and your DCs are on holiday.

StealthPolarBear · 14/10/2017 22:19

Agree with slightly jaded

Original poster
SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 22:20

Does she always put her DDs needs below her wants op? Not that I've noticed, she generally comes across as a good mum.

longish commute, bad public transport so it takes a long time, also long hours so she can have some days off.

Asking her about it first sounds like a good idea, i think I'll wait til shes sober tomorrow though.

OP posts:
WishingOnABar · 14/10/2017 22:24

While I agree she’s taking the piss you also have your dd to consider here- if you confront the mum in anger or resentment do you risk the children’s friendship turning sour?

YouTheCat · 14/10/2017 22:25

I definitely go with a direct and honest approach.

She needs to stump up some cash as well if she wants her child looked after for 3 days.

If she immediately gets the hump over being asked what is going on then that tells you all you need to know. She's taking the piss.

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 14/10/2017 22:27

If you confront her she sounds like the type that would get the arse and make out that you were the one in the wrong, which might in turn affect the girls’ friendship. Far better to just do the childcare and never ever agree to do it for her again, in my opinion.

eddielizzard · 14/10/2017 22:28

i would ask her. does she come across as cheeky? maybe it's all for show - she's ashamed of being skint and is pretending she's bought it all?

still, a bit daft to be so duplicitous and not think you'd see...

Bettyspants · 14/10/2017 22:29

'Hello friend! Saw your FB posts yesterday, looked like you had a great time! Seems as though things have looked up financially so I'd like to reduce the hrs I'm having your daughter as I'm finding things really difficult at the moment for a number of reasons. One day will be absolutely fine , I'll make sure she has a great time if you could give a fiver towards costs that would be great 😊 Speak soon! oP'

Original poster
SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 22:30

if you confront the mum in anger or resentment do you risk the children’s friendship turning sour? Yeah it might do, good point

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 14/10/2017 22:30

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar
Btw, those fecking cats are getting on my nerves, Madd confused. Every post, there’s a goggle eyed cat in it. What’s that about?😸🤷

(((((((Hugs))))))) You.

To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all
To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all
To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all
TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2017 22:35

Some of these suggested responses are the sort of thing we'd love to say in our own head, but aren't really ideal when the two girls are best friends, and you have to continue to see the Mum every day, or on a regular basis.

It's a tricky one, as cancelling now will cause ruptions, so you have to be prepared for this to affect your relationship.

I would be so pissed off - not just because of the cheeky fucker request, and the clueless FB posturing. But also the fact that's she's now put you in the position of being the bad guy. She doesn't sound like a very good friend.

Original poster
SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 22:36

oh Sad I thought the cat was shocked on my behalf. I was all full of righteous anger coz even the cat thinks its too much and cats know a lot about being cheeky fuckers

OP posts:
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 14/10/2017 22:37

I totally agree with TheDowager. Lots of the things suggested are things we’d all love to say to cheeky fuckers but in reality would probably just cause more aggro and problems.

troodiedoo · 14/10/2017 22:38

This is exactly what the angry reaction button is for.