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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

329 replies

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 20:58

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

OP posts:
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Julie21255 · 15/10/2017 22:09

Without elaborating on the reasons why just say you're sorry but you'll be unable to look after her children. It is then up to her to come back to you to ask why. You could just say it would be inconvenient; or tell her the real reason and risk losing a friend and there being ill feeling.
I know she's taken the piss and has seemed abused your kind gesture but, until you know the full story behind the funding of her night out , I'd be careful what you say. Short and sweet, less to argueabout , no accusations as you don 't know the circumstances; just say no

another20 · 15/10/2017 22:20

How do you expect her to respond your text 'I thought you were skint?" - How are you going to tell her that you are not going to pick up the childcare?

mumtoanangel · 15/10/2017 22:23

I used to have my friends son 2 evenings a week while she worked in a pub.I didn't mind then it was when she went on driving lessons .I still didn't mind.then she took the piss by saying oh you have to look after him while I'm working new years eve night at the pub!! No asking.just assuming.it's also my mum's birthday so I said no and she turned funny!! Sometimes the kinder you are the more people take advantage. I would put a stop to it now otherwise it will be Christmas half term then summer holidays and you will be out of pocket and resentful

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 23:25

one of her neighbours with kids at the same school has them then drops them to school breakfast club with her kids.

Bet she doesn't pay her for the childcare either - just expects it 'because she's doing it anyway'

It's also no wonder she won't pay for food - she only pays for school breakfast club.
No doubt she expects you to feed her child other meals/snacks like the neighbour does.

She's going to ignore you until the shock of someone standing up to her and calling her out on her cuntish behaviour has worn off, and she's had the time to come up with some bullshit.

I hope you're NOT going to do the childcare for her op?
There's no reason why it should affect the girls friendship in school...if it affects playdates etc outside of school then really it's no loss.
Your dd may be upset but it won't kill her, she'll get over it.

helsinkihelen · 16/10/2017 00:12

I think the photos from today confirm - yes she's a CF!

user1497863568 · 16/10/2017 00:36

I’d never do free regular childcare. Too many people trying to take advantage.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/10/2017 00:43

How do you expect her to respond your text 'I thought you were skint?" - How are you going to tell her that you are not going to pick up the childcare?

Well, would you still just drop your kids around at 6am for childcare, if someone had sent you that text?

The ball's in CF's court now - she can either ignore or respond. She needs the OP a lot more than the OP needs her!

milliemolliemou · 16/10/2017 01:05

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the CFs demands, what parent says they can't afford food for their child so the OP has to provide it?

As for Face book outing - aren't some of the CFs who claimed the Spanish/Turkish hotels gave them gastroenteritis being outed by their FB pages showing them chugging drinks and food? which all means some Spanish resorts are banning UK tourists.

diddl · 16/10/2017 06:49

I think that regardless of her recent spending sprees you have to tell her how ridiculous it is to expect you to feed her kid because she can't afford to.

It's one thing to ask for your kid to be looked after, I mean if they get on with yours it should be OK & like a (very) long playdate.

But to actually not offer money for food either.

A lot of people would also be happy to include one more child in meals-but to actually be told that you won't be given money for food just isn't on imo.

Are you going to say a flat out no, Op or that she should be feeding/offering to feed her own daughter?

Appuskidu · 16/10/2017 07:42

What are you going to do?

Littlenic73 · 16/10/2017 07:46

Sounds like that's why she can't afford it. Years ago a lady I knew from a toddler group was telling every one about how she'd spent £60 on fancy underwear at a knicker party one week and a couple of weeks later she was accepting a food bank parcel. Some people just can't do prioritising or budgeting.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/10/2017 07:48

What are you going to say OP?

LucieLucie · 16/10/2017 10:09

@Littlenic73 that’s shameful

Puts me off donating to a food bank, the sight of people smoking as well as they approach to collect their free food makes me Hmm

We shouldn’t enable cheeky fuckers.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/10/2017 10:33

If it was me and my DD, I'd still do the childcare as arranged. I wouldn't want to come across as the bad guy (which she could easily spin it as). However, I wouldn't do her any more favours going forward, nothing. If I wanted her DD to come over and play, then fair enough, but nothing instigated from her. Regardless of how she's afforded the festival and fancy day trip, she hasn't been honest and sadly many parents go without food themselves to provide for their children, so I can't believe she hasn't got a bean to feed them with.

another20 · 16/10/2017 10:45

*Well, would you still just drop your kids around at 6am for childcare, if someone had sent you that text?

The ball's in CF's court now - she can either ignore or respond. She needs the OP a lot more than the OP needs her!*

No I wouldn't but I am not a CF. And yes the CF can ignore or respond and still turn up - thats what I would expect of a CF. OP you need to tell her straight otherwise she will be banging on your door at 6am.....

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 16/10/2017 10:59

At the very least tell her she needs to pay you for food. Don't let her supply her DC's food because she won't and you'll end up paying for it.

CoraPirbright · 16/10/2017 11:04

Has she replied OP??

Holldstock1 · 16/10/2017 13:39

Op, I would probably do the same as PurpleCrazyHorse.

I would do the child care but next time she asked I would be unavailable. Its 3 days and you've learnt a valuable lesson from this that basically there are people out there who's cheek knows no bounds. And its obvious that she and you have very different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't.

If you don't want to keep it amicable then call her out on it, but if you do, only do the agreed childcare and then leave it at that. You'll know not to do that again.

When my 2 were at primary, DS1 had a friend whose mum used to do this. She would arrange 'playdays' or after school etc but then never be there to pick up at the arranged time. There would always be some problem, some delay or just not saying at all, and pick up anywhere between 8-10 p.m. at night. When they moved away to different part of the country and DS was keeping in touch still, she would arrange to have my DS stay for a week but we would find out later that she'd be getting her older kids (teenagers) or anyone else she could get, to look after them as she was working over the summer. The last time we did this, when I had her child for a week (I always made sure I was actually there), that 1 week then escalated into 2 weeks, then 3 weeks.

I know you are thinking 'mug', but her mum who lives in the same village was elderly, ill, had no support in village, partially sighted and the child was often difficult. What I found especially annoying was after the first week, she called me to ask if he could stay alittle longer as she was working and her mum was ill and she was due to come up in a few days. So I initially said yes. This stretched on for another week. Then when he had a problem (I think it was a temperature or something like a low key allergic reaction - sorry many years ago now) I tried to get hold of her. I didn't want to give him medication without her permission - no answer. I contacted her mum to explain who said she'd get her to call me. No answer still. In the end the grandmother said to just do it. The mother did not call me for 4 days. It turns out she had gone away on holiday which is why she hadn't been in touch.

I dropped her DS back to his gran's soon after and we never had him again.

I don't have a problem with helping anyone out and going that extra mile, but when they aren't honest about things or blatantly taking the p!ss, that's it as far as I'm concerned.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/10/2017 14:23

Has she been back in touch since OP?

LauraLoz13 · 16/10/2017 15:59

I don't normally post on here but please don't make this into a post against food banks.
I volunteer for one & trust me you can't just rock up all "entitled" and get your food for free.
You can only use a food bank if you have a voucher issued by a relevant agency. Perhaps you would like to come and read the folder we keep that explains why people are in that position before deciding no one needs that's help because a few people outside are smoking 🙄

Underparmummy · 16/10/2017 16:13

I'd just have an opinion on her stupidity. People that cant use social media properly (cant even be arsed to filter her postings to match her lies!) make me mad.

It would be a no from me and fun trips just me and my kid. And no forever more and well for that matter.

StormTreader · 16/10/2017 16:21

"costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. "

Whats her babysitter cost if youre doing it? Or does she have someone else for the evenings that she mysteriously CAN afford to pay?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/10/2017 18:19

I'm guessing the babysitter costs was for the trip she was posting on FB (OP said she couldn't do that day -CF did ask- because she was having a rare lazy day Smile so CF would've had to pay out for that . Heart bleeds eh? )

mickeysminnie · 16/10/2017 18:43

Why Purplecrazyhorse? Why would you still do it? On what planet would you be the bad guy for refusing to allow someone to treat you like shit?
This is why people get away with crap like this because women are conditioned to play the martyr.

PurpleTango · 16/10/2017 18:58

The 6am drop off during school hols would have swung it for me tbh. I always thought school hols were meant for staying in bed until you wake (unless the kids wake you). Mine have always enjoyed a lie in and chilled mornings and lazy duvet day and film days at this time of year.

I totally see why you are upset at df's recent fb posts OP.

Do yourself a favour and tell her you have made plans for half term

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