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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my friends?

232 replies

SongforSal · 14/10/2017 20:21

5 of us get together frequently for drinks etc. This month was one of my friends birthday. One of our friends has a parent that runs a spa type place, and wangled us an amazing deal of 20 quid each. Amazing.

Anyway, as not to drip feed. The spar day was 2 weeks before the actual birthday, now money has been tight for me. The car went to car heaven, and I have started a new job with a 7 week pay gap. I did however budget for friends birthday.

A week before the spa, with the view that once I got paid, I'd give her a pressie in time for her birthday. Another friend sent her bank details to me asking for 100 quid. Turns out she assumed I would split the cost for birthday girl, and put in jointly for a big present. I explained my financial situation and they understood.

I was planning on going still and sending a present when I get paid. However.

Just seen pictures on social media, the date was moved and they went without me.
Thinking about it, not one of them has even asked how my new job is going. I have babysat their kids numerous times and fed them. One of these friends I recently gave a gig ticket to for free worth loads as it comes with back stage access, and I gave it to her because she loves the artist more than me. Another of these friends I have financially helped when down on their luck.

Don't get me wrong. I am glad my friend had a nice birthday, but it seems I was ultimately excluded because I could not financially contribute to the big present.

Anyway, had a message from birthday girl tonight asking if I could look after her DC'S next week overnight. No mention of her birthday, no asking about my new job. Am I being a mug or to sensitive?

.

OP posts:
NotEnoughCushions · 14/10/2017 22:51

I don't blame you for being upset but I just can't get past spending nearly £300 on a birthday present for a friend (unless it was a very special occasion).

I have a group of friends and we do days out together, shopping, weekends away. We all earn decent money but birthdays are flowers, books, candles, scarfs - small, thoughtful gifts that cost £20-30 max.

I would much rather that my friend prioritised the £20 on a spa day together than bought an expensive gift; and I would be gutted if they were excluded because they couldn't contribute.

Either have it out with the person that asked for the money or consider whether these really are friends.

honeyroar · 14/10/2017 22:53

You could always reply -
"I think that you ought to ask a real friend to look after your kids. You know, like X,Y or Z who went on your birthday spa thingy.."

jetSTAR · 14/10/2017 22:56

Agree that these are not your friends, but I would be really curious as to what actually happened too 🤔

FrancisCrawford · 14/10/2017 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 14/10/2017 22:59

4 people putting in a tenner would get a decent present (imo)!

justanothermomentintime · 14/10/2017 23:00

I'd say "Yes, drop the kids round."

Then I'd make sure I was out and when the inevitable "where are you?!" Phone call or text comes through I'd reply with "Sorry! I changed the date of a spa day I had! Did I not contact you!?"

justanothermomentintime · 14/10/2017 23:01

And I'd leave the fucker on my doorstep with her plans in tatters.

But them I'm a bitch. Smile

aleC4 · 14/10/2017 23:02

They sound like awful friends, poor you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2017 23:02

£80 each for a present. Who is she the Queen or something.

user1499786242 · 14/10/2017 23:10

Cunts!

Dreams16 · 14/10/2017 23:11

Sorry op that’s awful they sound like users very selfish people used you for all the freebies free child care free money etc and the minute you truly needed the favour repaid they did that to you they’ve shown they’re true colours that and the fact they don’t seem interested in how things are with yourself personally if one of my friends was missing from an event I’d have dropped a quick txt to see if everything was ok something they neglected to do

Get better friends you deserve that Smile

SabineUndine · 14/10/2017 23:12

My bestie spent £40 on my 50th birthday and I gulped and told her she shouldn’t have spent so much. £100??? No way.

Catra · 14/10/2017 23:22

You're not being over sensitive at all, although I can kind of see both sides of this in some aspects.

Firstly, it's unforgivable that they didn't inform you about the change of date. A friendship has to work both ways and I'd feel no guilt about turning down the woman who wants you to have her kids overnight.

I too am part of a tight-knit group of 5 women (and while they're utterly well meaning and they've never knowingly done anything to exclude me) a couple of them are very high earners and they've often purchased expensive presents for people's birthdays without consulting the rest of us and have then just expected us all to split the cost evenly ... I have in the past stewed about the lack of communication although I've never vocalised this as I don't feel it's worth the aggro.

Personally I wouldn't let myself get in a situation where if I didn't get paid for 7 weeks and my car died I would not have the flexibility to find a few hundred quid. Even if I had to put it on my credit card I'd do that and then pay it off before the interest accrued. After all, it's my problem, not anyone elses.

zeeboo · 14/10/2017 23:28

Please text one of them OP because I can’t get my head around this being deliberate. The bitchiness I can totally get but the collecting £80 per person for a gift just doesn’t ring true, and is Pandora even that expensive? My teenage son gets his girlfriend stuff from there.
Was it maybe that they wanted to pay more than the £20 per person? Because I’d feel a little embarrassed paying so little for a spa experience.

I don’t know, it’s just so crazy!! So please text one or more and let us know what their justification was.

Landed · 14/10/2017 23:29

I'd rather have no friends than so-called friends. OP ignore, don't reply and if quizzed mention the change of date as in "what time are we all to arrive on ...(enter original date) ?" or something similar.

Venusflytwat · 14/10/2017 23:34

What did you actually say to them when you said you didn't have the money?
I know you think you were clear but it just isn't making sense to me.

JustDanceAddict · 14/10/2017 23:40

£80 each for a bday gift is insane. That’s what you spend in your dh or kids.
I’d have to be honest and ask wtf was going on re changing date and did they get wrong end of stick.
As others’ said, it may be miscommunication, but I certainly wouldn’t be doing any of them favours anyway.

ChasedByBees · 14/10/2017 23:41

I think you should say something but direct. Don't hint at being annoyed ask directly why you weren't told about the date change and say that you found that hurtful.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 23:48

I'd reply 'Well it's a bit awkward since I was excluded from your birthday.'

See what she says after that.

SouthWindsWesterly · 14/10/2017 23:50

Hi there
Saw the spa pics on fartbook. Quick question - was there a reason I was left out of your birthday celebrations? Am pretty upset by this at the mo so it's probably not the best time to ask for babysitting favours given how hurt I'm feeling.

fridayrain · 14/10/2017 23:50

Perhaps you could say "i'm surprised to hear from you. I thought i'd done something wrong as i was left out of the spa day"

Emilybrontescorsett · 14/10/2017 23:51

I wouldn't have her kids.
Then I'd ask what happened re the spa day. Maybe she wasnt aware of the full facts.
I'd stop babysitting for any of them.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 23:52

Catra are you for real? You expect OP to get into credit card debt to pay over the odds for a birthday gift?

I am interested in what the norms for the group are in terms of gifts - i.e. is it reciprocated?

Ellendegeneres · 14/10/2017 23:59

I'd reply no can do.
See if she gets back to you, or if indeed any of them do. I'd not be reaching out to them, and I'd adjust my settings on fb so they can't see any updates.
Leave them. When they want stuff, they'll be in touch. You can ignore them and phase them out with dignity.

Tbh, the way I'm feeling this week, I'd reply 'hahahaha as if you're asking me to care for your kids when you've been such a shitty 'friend' lately. You know I've got loads going on and you've not bothered to see how I am, then you change the spa date without even mentioning to me so I'm obviously a second rate mate who you use. As if love. Find some other idiot.'
Then obviously block and ignore.

Catra · 15/10/2017 00:03

Catra are you for real? You expect OP to get into credit card debt to pay over the odds for a birthday gift?

I didn't say get into debt though, did I? If you have guaranteed income but there's a delay in receiving it (ie: such as changing jobs like the OP has) then it's perfectly possible to put expenses on a credit card and then pay them off before the interest is due. Surely that's what credit cards are for?!