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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to the Middle East in my position?

156 replies

missladybird · 14/10/2017 17:25

3 year old dd with ex who lives/works in the ME for the next couple of years. I stupidly thought it was a good idea to go and visit him early next year and now I'm having second thoughts. Flights have been paid for (by him) but no accommodation so far.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 14/10/2017 19:34

My db and family have just come back to UK after 3 years in Oman, just outside Muscat. I was so envious that the Carrefour in Muscat had stuff that I have never seen in the Carrefours in and around Brussels, including Lurpak!

I went to stay, and my Mum has been a few times, and it's lovely. I just wore what I would anyway in warm weather, which was linen trousers and tops with sleeves, and covered my head to visit the Grand Mosque which is beautiful. Anywhere that has a Lakeland (yes, Lakeland in Muscat, and M&S too) can't be bad!!!

notsoperfectlife · 14/10/2017 19:58

If he did seize his daughter with the intention of keeping her there, what could you do about it? Do you think the authorities would assist you?

MN pages are littered with single mothers now facing exactly this problem.They all thought it would never happen to them, too.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/10/2017 20:03

Are you still in love with him OP?
It sounds to me like you're using your dc as an excuse to 'be' with him.
Were you 'expecting' to live with him once over there, hence your assumption that he would sort out accommodation?

If YOU want to move there then why aren't YOU being proactive and sorting accommodation, nursery, health care, researching the laws and cultural expectations over there?
Surely it's common sense to think about all that before booking flights?
Or is this co-dependency a continuation from your relationship with your ex?

Personally, i think you're an idiot for letting this get as far as it has.
Who the hell risks their personal, financial and emotional security by moving across the world for their ex boyfriend?
Have you got work lined up? Savings of your own?
Or are you expecting your ex to finance you until you 'sort it out'?

If you move there then your child will be considered a resident of that country....your ex could easily use the law and refuse to allow you to leave with her when the time comes.
As for "he won't do that because he couldn't look after dd full time"....you do realise he can employ a nanny/housekeeper/servant for pennies to do that job for him?

He's your EX.
Move on and focus on building a secure future for yourself and your dc....don't give your ex the power and control over your future.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/10/2017 20:08

We lived in Oman (Muscat area) for many years. I'm sure you'll be fine. Always found the people very nice and friendly, and it's a stable and relatively tolerant country, certainly compared to e.g. Saudi Arabia. There are some beautiful places to visit, too.

Just don't wear anything very tight, short, sleeveless or otherwise revealing.

Ta1kinPeece · 14/10/2017 20:08

Hrrumph
so much paranoia

if hes offered a no strings holiday
so he can have time with his child (at his expense)
and give you a holiday

then go for it
ask for a hotel and a driver so that you are free
and then enjoy

the world is a wonderful place

MuseumOfCurry · 14/10/2017 20:11

'Not Without My Daughter' must have run on one of the networks recently.

carefreeeee · 14/10/2017 20:12

There's been no terrorism in Muscat - it's safer than most European cities from that point of view. Think you are being prejudiced and silly.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/10/2017 20:14

Oh, and early in the year would be fine weather wise, but May to September inclusive are best avoided, July and August most definitely so! Even when you're used to it the heat can be pretty overwhelming. In high summer we wouldn't even go to the pool until 5 or 6 and the beach was out because the sand was too hot to walk on.

Hoppinggreen · 14/10/2017 20:19

He wouldn't have to look after your DD himself or even employ anyone to do it as presumably if he kept the child there OP would stay as well.
Why risk it OP? A 3 year old will get nothing out of it and he can see his child when he next has holiday

Normalserviceissuspended · 14/10/2017 20:27

Oman is great. We go there very year having stop doing to Dubai for various reasons.

I would ahed no concerns at all about going to Oman.

My children remember going to various countries when they were 3.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 20:31

Yes I remember reading 'Not Without My Daughter'. It was chilling.

Ta1kinPeece · 14/10/2017 20:34

I took my kids long haul age 3
they do not "remember" it
but they do - because they way they look at the world was clearly influenced by those early trips

OP
I assume you are still lurking
Talk to your ex

if this is just an "access visit" at somewhere rather better than Watford Gap
go for it
chances are he'll be all over the world fr a while if he's in Oman
and if you are happy with the trips
your child will grow up with a fantastic world view

if on the other hand he gets cagey and there appear to be strings
look after yourselves

BUT
if he was based in Nice or Vegas or Paris or Sydney
would you have started this thread
.........

Papafran · 14/10/2017 20:34

HeebieJeebies where are you getting the idea that she wants to MOVE to Oman- we are talking about a holiday so that her dd can see her dad and see where he lives? What do you know about the laws of Oman and whether an ex pat child becomes a legal resident? Nothing. Here we have a poster who wants to know whether it is safe to visit a city. Immediately posters convince her that the dad will kidnap the child and she will never see her again.

And what about the DD's right to have a good relationship with her dad? People keep saying he can see her next time he has a holiday. For small children, the more regular the contact, the better.

Ta1kinPeece · 14/10/2017 20:38

Did I mention that my parents had a 5000 mile break up when I was a toddler
and I flew alone all over the world from age 4
but I'm still here Grin

sonjadog · 14/10/2017 22:11

Wasn´t Not Without my Daughter about someone married to an Iranian, in Iran? This guy is a foreigner working in Muscat.

Also, not being comfortable in a place where you can´t show your knees?? How bizarre. I have never heard of anyone before whose comfort is linked to the need to reveal their knees.

babybarrister · 14/10/2017 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 22:16

I don't show anyone my middle aged chubby knees anyway!

It was ages ago that I read that book, but I think it was a US woman who married an Iranian man when they were both living in the US. Their daughter was born in the US and they went to Iran on a family holiday. Almost as soon as they touched down he took there passports and held the wife captive. IIRC they eventually ended up being ferried across mountains in the dead of night to Turkey before they were free.

Anyway OP - quite different circumstances Blush

fat124 · 14/10/2017 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 22:17

their Hmm

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 02:00

And what about the DD's right to have a good relationship with her dad?

Then her dad shouldn't be fucking off to live on the other side of the world should he?
Plus he's decided that the occasional visit during his annual leave is 'good enough' for his child Hmm

I doubt very much he 'can't' get a job here....he chooses to prioritize his wants over his child's needs...so don't try using the child's 'rights' to defend a feckless father Hmm

As for 'it's just a holiday' and what do i know?
Well, for one i read between the lines and asked OP a direct question.....
i also have a lot more knowledge and experience of patriarchal cultures/societies and how they work than you obviously do....
Top that off with common sense, and knowledge of how easily a 'westerner/western woman' can be set-up/duped/thrown in jail in a middle eastern, patriarchal country/culture.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 02:01

Just don't wear anything very tight, short, sleeveless or otherwise revealing

What a way to enjoy your holiday in a hot climate eh!

Original poster
missladybird · 15/10/2017 02:29

There is absolutely no chance that he's planning on keeping dd there with him. I have zero concerns in that respect and fully trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
missladybird · 15/10/2017 02:32

Heebie what are you on? When did I say I'm moving there? Hmm

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 15/10/2017 02:43

The only part of the Middle East I'd be willing to go to is Israel.

Can't see the remotest bit of appeal to the rest of it.

safariboot · 15/10/2017 02:48

I'd be wary. I wouldn't be concerned about terrorism, but I would be cautious about local laws. Although it's more liberal than some of the other Middle Eastern countries, Oman is not a 'free country' as we would use the term. Criticising the Sultan or government is illegal; be careful what you post on social media or otherwise say.