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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to accept me having his "find my friends" details on my phone?

80 replies

KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:24

Long backstory.

For many reasons I won't bore you with it

I NC constantly as I have many friends who use this forum.

DH has a history of being dishonest , lying being a bit of a pig. We had counselling saw out the rough years. I suspect something. He's not acting differently - he's at home a lot more but someTHING just does not sit right with me.

After we had counselling he made a promise to me to be more transparent etc. I asked this morning for his FMF details and for him to accept the request and he refused saying I didn't need to have his location tracker on

When I told him that he works in cities regularly and the last time he was in Westminster tube station when there was a Terror attack he brushed it off.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking im happy for him to have my details.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 14/10/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hiphopopotamus · 14/10/2017 13:28

But you don't want his details because you worry about terror attacks. You want his details because you don't trust him. There's no trust there at all

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:29

I do want it for both reasons actually.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/10/2017 13:29

What Hip said. You simply don't trust him. In fact you sound as though you don't even like him much.

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:29

Quite Otters.

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 14/10/2017 13:30

DP and I don't track each other and wouldn't dream of asking, except in specific circumstances.

If you want to track your DH because you don't trust him (as is heavily implied by the OP) then TBH your relationship is over. You either trust him or you don't. You obviously don't and YABU to expect him to pander to this.

DillyDilly · 14/10/2017 13:30

You’re not unreasonable to ask and he’s not unreasonable to refuse.
I’d do the same - I wouldn’t want anyone, even my husband knowing my every move.

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:30

Thanks Sooty

Helpfuk

OP posts:
Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:30

L

OP posts:
threadarick · 14/10/2017 13:31

It’s a creepy function which I’d find extremely suffocating. And I say that as a boringly devoted spouse. It also drains batteries.

Why are you together if you can’t trust him without monitoring him? And will it even reassure you? What’s to stop him turning the phone off or leaving it somewhere?

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:33

Well relationships consist of effort from both sides don't they?

I left him three years ago and he begged to be let back. Part of the conditions involved counselling/ full transparency- me having access to everything (PWs/banking details etc) and he having mine.

He's slowly started to pull away from that.

That wasn't part of the deal.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/10/2017 13:34

Well since you obviously found my comment unhelpful I'll add that I think YABU and I would respond as he has. No way would I want my every movement tracked like that.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 14/10/2017 13:38

My concern is your lack of trust. If you cannot trust him then should you be with him?
I'm not usually this blunt but I'd hate to live with that constant niggle in the back of my mind. You either have to accept his privacy and trust him, or leave. There's no in-between.

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:39

Thanks Shifty

OP posts:
frieda909 · 14/10/2017 13:39

I think if you want it then you should at least be honest with him about why.

Personally though I don't recommend it. It won't help you to trust him, it will just make you more paranoid as you check every five minutes and wonder what he's doing in such-and-such town and who he's with.

I had some trust issues when I first got together with my partner even though he's never done anything to make me doubt him. We briefly had FMF on our phones and I hated how it made me act. I once checked it while he was at a bloody funeral to make sure he was 'really' there. At that point I realised it was doing me no good so I deleted it then and there.

Chewbecca · 14/10/2017 13:57

Have you reminded him about the conditions (and why they were needed)?

bimbobaggins · 14/10/2017 13:59

You very obviously don't trust him and it does seem quite controlling wanting to know his every move, passwords, bank details etc. Maybe he's feeling suffocated and wanting a bit of breathing space..
I know I wouldn't put up with this and if that was the conditions of getting back together I'd rather not have bothered..

RestlessTraveller · 14/10/2017 14:01

You either need to put up or shut up. Either leave him or learn to trust him again, you can't go through life like this.

There's no way I would agree to being tracked by a partner.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2017 14:01

Me and an ex used to have this. It didn’t feel odd at the time; but it was a marker of a deeply unhealthy relationship. It was easy to say that we had then for good reasons - making sure I was safe, when I’d be home, etc, but it’s not necessary.

I don’t have it now. I’ve disabled the function and I’d be very concerned if my current partner wanted to track me.

It is a sign of a distrust so deep that it’ll never recover. You’ll never feel that you have enough information. So you can track him, but what if he spoofs his location? You can read his messages, but what if he’s deleting them or using an app to hide them?

There’s no way for either of you to win; and if you can’t relax those conditions after three years, I think you both made the wrong call in getting back together and you should separate now.

CockacidalManiac · 14/10/2017 14:02

What a fucking awful, toxic relationship this would appear to be.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/10/2017 14:05

If you don't trust him, just leave. Leave and let him do his toxic shit to someone else (or, better still, let him be alone with his toxic bollocks). Life is too short and too valuable to spend it not trusting the people you live with.

DH and I have that find my friends thing on our phones. I don't think either of us has ever used it, but we use it for DS1 (11) occasionally if we need to. If he's got nothing to hide he has no need to object.

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 14:06

Thanks all.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 14/10/2017 14:08

If you don't trust him then you need to leave him.

I wouldn't want to be tracked.

Sn0tnose · 14/10/2017 14:12

If there was no history, then I 'd think you were being very unreasonable indeed.

As there is a history of him being generally awful, then I do understand why you'd want confirmation that he is where he says he is. However, I think that if you've reached the stage where you feel the need to monitor his movements because you don't trust him, then it's the beginning of the end. You're quite right; relationships take effort from both sides. So why are you the only one making an effort to ensure that things are as they should be?

He has every right not to share his movements with you and not to be open and transparent. You have every right to decide what you are and aren't prepared to deal with in your marriage. I think you have some decisions to make about whether being married to him is worth the stress and upset you feel about not being able to trust him 💐

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 14/10/2017 14:20

There is absolutely no way I would allow DP to track me. I hate hate hate trackers, think they are horrible.
He wouldn't even think of asking though.
And he has no reason to.

Your problem is that you can't trust him, but are clinging on to this incredibly toxic relationship for some reason.
Ask yourself why you are giving life support to a relationship that is already dead.

No one should be forced to be tracked, it's very controlling.

Why are you so determined to hang on to someone, who in your own words is a "pig"??

Fuck that, I'd ditch and examine my relationship boundaries if I were you.

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