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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to accept me having his "find my friends" details on my phone?

80 replies

KettleNips · 14/10/2017 13:24

Long backstory.

For many reasons I won't bore you with it

I NC constantly as I have many friends who use this forum.

DH has a history of being dishonest , lying being a bit of a pig. We had counselling saw out the rough years. I suspect something. He's not acting differently - he's at home a lot more but someTHING just does not sit right with me.

After we had counselling he made a promise to me to be more transparent etc. I asked this morning for his FMF details and for him to accept the request and he refused saying I didn't need to have his location tracker on

When I told him that he works in cities regularly and the last time he was in Westminster tube station when there was a Terror attack he brushed it off.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking im happy for him to have my details.

OP posts:
Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 14:22

It's not worth it I am slowly starting to realise.

Of course I haven't divulged but wrote a long post a few months ago and the overwhelming response what "what a prize wanker/get rid"

I know what I need to do.

OP posts:
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 14/10/2017 14:30

Kettle honestly...you need to examine your reasons for keeping on in this relationship.

you can't change wankers, they will always still be a wanker.

If he's been a twat, then you ditch him, don't try and "manage" his behaviour, it's not fair on either of you.

I put up with shit relationships for years because I bought into the mainstream idea of romance being difficult, that you could change men through love, that shitty behaviour by men is "normal" and you just do your best to manage it, because "thats love".

Well it ain't.It's all utter bollocks.

Better off being single than being so paranoid in a relationship you feel the need to monitor every move.

KrytensNanobots · 14/10/2017 14:33

YABU. I wouldn't want my husband tracking my every move via some phone either and checking up on me, so I don't see why it should be any different the other way around. Even though I've got nothing at all to hide, it's creepy.
You clearly don't trust him as you said yourself there's been issues in the past.
Not healthy.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/10/2017 14:37

If DH wanted to track me because I might be cheating I'd tell him to leave me.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 14/10/2017 14:43

There is obviously a huge back story to this, as it stands yabu but I suspect if we knew the full story it might be different, that said if you need to track your partner the your relationship is already over I think

eyebrowsonfleek · 14/10/2017 14:45

I’m pleased that you’re coming to your senses.
Having him “tracked” won’t make you feel better.
A person up to no good would start arguing that the tracker was inaccurate, leave the phone at work/car/home or keep on “accidentally” turning off the app or phone and say that they’d run out of charge.
You will spend too much time watching the tracker and will end up worrying about why he’s at X/Y/Z and how long he’s there.

SisterMoonshine · 14/10/2017 14:47

I agree with LanaKanesLeftNipple
(And I don't say that very often Grin)

NewDaddie · 14/10/2017 14:51

YABU & very creepy.

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2017 14:53

He has had some harsh and tough conditions. Conditions that amount to total control and no privacy, I’d struggle to live like that. Some couples think it’s thr done thing, but not for me. The thought of my husband tracking my every move, demanding all my passwords, going through my bank statements wouldn’t be how I wish to live.

I’ve nothing to hide and he can open a statement as he pleases, it’s demanding it that’s the issue. I find thr find my friends thing creepy as fuck and i would not permit it.

Whatever is wrong with your marriage tracking his every move and going through his shit isn’t thr answer. End it if you can’t trust him but don’t use the threat of ending it as a way to get more control over him and for him to give you access.

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/10/2017 14:56

It would be a cold day in hell before dp or I let each other track the others movements. It's creepy and too big brother-ish.

If you need to do this then I think you need to leave him, sorry to so blunt

confusedlittleone · 14/10/2017 14:59

And if his phone dies will you then automatically just assume he's cheating? It's dangerous territory I wouldn't go there

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/10/2017 15:00

I think it’s fine to keep track, as long as it’s not a control issue and no one should be coerced.

I mean, it is reasonable for parents or couples to want to know where each other is, you wouldn’t refuse to say where you were if they phoned up.

Can you imagine, ‘I’m not telling you where I am husband/mum, it’s none of your business... ‘

It’s really important if a partner has lied, for them to want to put themselves over and above the line so you can build trust. But if they don’t want to, you can’t make them, better to tackle them on why it’s a good thing, why trust takes a long time to get back on line. By doing this he’s saying he doesn’t care.

All you can do is say what you will do in response. If I were you I’d go out for a few nights, get your hair done, and away the weekend! Don’t tell him where or who with. Not to play games, but actions speak way, way louder than words and you need to build your confidence. Don’t get off with anyone, just hook up with friends and reconnect with your carefree side.

rachrach2 · 14/10/2017 15:01

We have it on our phones and like it. We can see where each other is on commutes or on runs (which was the main idea, a small extra bit of safety if anything were to happen). However we do it for convenience, not for trust, and I can see why some are anti it. With your back story I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/10/2017 15:12

And for what it’s worth OP it’s not extreme or unhealthy to track him have his passwords etc for a period of time, not forever. I did this too! It was the only reason I stayed after DP cheated. It was recommended by a fair number of experts!

However, this was not something I asked for or demanded. I basically left him at the time, and he was addicted to texting other women. He found it very hard to stop. So by letting me track his phone, be open about bank statements and all passwords, he was showing me he was also prepared to trust me!

Trust that I would not abuse this. Trust that I would not use this to ill effect. In fact both of us knew that he could find a way if he wanted, but it made the compulsion much harder. They say this with anyone who has cheated, you need to remove that temptation, that secrecy.

He did once or twice moan that he didn’t like it. Fine. But I would have left without it. The last thing I ever wanted was to be in a relationship where I had to do this, so OP, they need to realise we are staying and working through a lot of pain. It’s way more different than a partner suggesting this if you haven’t cheated - that would be red flag territory.

blanklook · 14/10/2017 15:19

As you've stated after counselling you both agreed to be transparent and now he's backpedalling, then YANBU.

However, there's a much bigger issue and I'd echo what other posters have said.
I'm so sorry but from what you've said, he's not worth hanging onto, you can and will be much happier on your own. Flowers

Original poster
KettleNips · 14/10/2017 17:26

Blanklook yes he is back-pedalling massively
Even down to "surprising" me with sudden essential work trips the night before Hmm

OP posts:
Papafran · 14/10/2017 17:47

So he has been awful and a pig in the past and you don't trust him. Being able to track him down isn't going to help the relationship is it? It sounds pretty much doomed and like you're flogging a dead horse to be honest.

AndrewJames · 14/10/2017 17:53

If you need to track him to trust him, then you don't trust him.

Just bury the dead thing already.

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2017 17:54

If you feel you have to track him then the relationship is over.

ProfessorCat · 14/10/2017 17:56

I'm afraid that if someone doesn't want to be tracked, it's really not fair to insist on it.

DH and I track each other, as well as DD and my parents, but we all want to be. If one of us didn't, we wouldn't, end of.

KrytensNanobots · 14/10/2017 17:56

And for what it’s worth OP it’s not extreme or unhealthy to track him have his passwords etc for a period of time, not forever. I did this too! It was the only reason I stayed after DP cheated. It was recommended by a fair number of experts!

Yeah, it really is. It's not a normal state to be in, is it? I mean, you say yourself you wanted all the passwords and to track him after he cheated.
Not the basis of a healthy relationship, is it and the fact you say he cheated shows that!
My passwords are mine, dh's are his. Why snoop if you trust them?You clearly don't which begs the question why you'd be with them in the first place.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/10/2017 18:00

When ever these threads pop up there is always a fair divide.
The no way Camp
And the definitley Camp.

The majority of the people in the definitley camp had a strained realtionship or there had been betrayal.

In all honesty if he is going to revert back to old ways a tracker will not stop him. It's just not a healthy relationship tracking somebody's movements.

sonjadog · 14/10/2017 18:01

I think that YABU to require him to be tracked. I would refuse it too and I have never cheated on anyone in my life. But that you are thinking about it, does suggest that your relationship is not a healthy one. Are you sure you want to continue it? Would it not be great to not constantly wonder where he is and what he´s up to?

Sashkin · 14/10/2017 18:04

I agree with everyone else - I can see why you want it, but it won’t actually make you less anxious (in fact it will probably make things worse, as you wonder why he’s spent ten minutes in Tesco Extra on his way home).

I wouldn’t put up with it from a partner (I expect when he agreed to it he thought he'd be able to talk you round, which is another red flag).

And it sounds like the relationship is dead anyway. You don’t sound like you like him anymore, and he sounds shifty as fuck.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 18:06

I basically left him at the time, and he was addicted to texting other women. He found it very hard to stop

Addicted to texting other women? No, he was being a disrespectful prick and couldn't even own up to that and claimed to be 'addicted'. You cannot become addicted to texting people.

This sounds like Katie Price defending Kieran Hayler, saying he has a real sex addiction now that it's round two of him shagging around (her nanny rather than her friends this time). If only women could have such an effective get out of jail card.