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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this Headmistress is living in another era

242 replies

inabizzlefam · 13/10/2017 22:55

Picked DS 1 up from school today and he informed me that I had to be at his school on Monday at 1pm for “parents evening “.
Sorry but since when did evening start at 1pm.
I told DS I couldn’t get then as I would be working but he could ask his dad to attend as he is self employed so could juggle stuff around to fit it in.
DS says “headmistress says I had to ask you(mum) because she says all the dads won’t be able to go as they’ll be at work”.
Not sure what I’m more 😮 at: the fact that she assumes all mums spend their day watching daytime tv with a hobnob so can drop everything to attend parents evenings in the middle of the day, or that the dads are all far too busy to put themselves out to possibly be the slightest bit interested in their childs education.

OP posts:
Original poster
inabizzlefam · 16/10/2017 23:42

Well I couldn’t make the 1pm meeting today but I did tell DS to inform his form tutor when he went in for registration.
Picked him up from my mums at 2.30, went home, picked up DD and DS2, went home, started evening meal.
Get a call from form tutor wanting to know why I hadn’t turned up. I explained that I was working and she was not impressed. Told me that this was a really important year for DS and it was imperative that parents “make the effort “ to attend as, not doing so could be “detrimental to DS”.
I explained that I had to work, not enough notice,etc but I have been left feeling like ifmyDS fails it’s my fault.
Surely if there was a major issue the school would have called me sooner.
Feel even more guilty now

OP posts:
VanGoghsLeftEar · 16/10/2017 23:58

I usually skip the first parents evening. The teacher usually doesn't have enough interesting things to say about my child as they don't know her that well.

I work shifts so if I can't go, DH will go. DC goes with us. If neither of us can go, I swap a shift with someone. Highly unlikely annual leave would be approved.

The op reminds me of approval the sexism DH has had to put up with, like changing tables in the female toilets, or being told by a nurse that I MUST attend the next inoculation as fathers forget things. Once, when he was out with DC in the buggy, a woman asked him why DH couldn't be bothered to work. DH has been DCs principle carer.

RB68 · 17/10/2017 00:07

by the time you reach secondary parents evening becomes like speed dating - an absolute farce of running round teachers in random table places for 10 mins if you are lucky and no one else overuns. Can't have any sort of decent conversation as far too close to other people and the noise levels are horrendous so you end up shouting - utterly crazy and exhausting all round

debbs77 · 17/10/2017 00:19

I would prefer daytime as a single parent that works from home. Evenings mean I can't go

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 13:31

Perhaps, OP, a note or phone call to reception from you would have been more appropriate. I don't think I'd leave an apology to the day unless it was unavoidable.

VanGoghs- do you manage to talk to the teacher at drop-off/pick-up? I think that first meeting isn't just about hearing interesting things about your child, it's also about forming a relationship with someone who has your child for 6hrs a day.

TalkinBoutWhat · 17/10/2017 13:39

Ask the headteacher how impressed she'd be if her teachers swanned off at 12.30 in order to make a 1 pm parent teacher 'evening' for their own children.

Honestly, the fact that a working woman can't bloody well see that other women who work can't just drop everything and be there is just mind boggling.

RhiannonOHara · 17/10/2017 15:11

I'd complain vociferously to the school about the tutor's hectoring of you. Utterly inappropriate. Did she ring DS's dad to hector him for not turning up? No, thought not.

Please don't feel guilty, OP.

FrenchJunebug · 17/10/2017 16:13

please do not find a way to go to the teacher's meeting. Send your partner and do not feel guilty.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 16:19

Rhiannon- is a teacher not allowed to say it's an important year and parental input is imperative?
I really do not understand the thinking here.

RhiannonOHara · 17/10/2017 16:38

Mairead, yes, of course, but the OP was chased up and made to feel guilty for not going, despite having explained that she was working.

Why is work not an acceptable reason?

And I ask again: did DS's father get hassled about this too? I'm guessing not.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 17:24

If you can't make an appointment, whatever the appointment is, because it's impossible to rearrange work or other commitments, then you make apologies as soon as you know that's the case and ask if it's possible to rearrange.
OP told her child to let the teacher know- on the day of the appt- she couldn't make it. The teacher then found a few minutes to chase it up and let her know it was an important appointment. Surely that's the teacher's, and the school's, job?

LBOCS2 · 17/10/2017 18:19

But it wasn’t an appointment. It was a summons, given at very short notice. It’s not unreasonable for the OP both to be unable to make it, and also wonder why it’s her that is being chastised, rather than DS’s other parent.

BitOfANameChange · 17/10/2017 18:39

Maireadplastic Tue 17-Oct-17 17:24:46

If you can't make an appointment, whatever the appointment is, because it's impossible to rearrange work or other commitments, then you make apologies as soon as you know that's the case and ask if it's possible to rearrange.
OP told her child to let the teacher know- on the day of the appt- she couldn't make it. The teacher then found a few minutes to chase it up and let her know it was an important appointment. Surely that's the teacher's, and the school's, job?

The OP was given the information about this "summons" on Friday after school. The first available time to tell the tutor she had work was on Monday morning. How was she supposed to give more notice?

And I agree with others, seems there was no hassling of the child's father. Why?

I think i was lucky with the schools my DCs attended/attend.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 19:40

There is absolutely no way a school would leave communicating about a Monday parents eve to the preceding Friday. A letter/email/newsletter has been missed.

This is all yet more school bashing.

ForalltheSaints · 17/10/2017 19:45

I have to agree that this seems suspect or some communication has been lost. I think that setting the dates at the start of the school year is the best policy.

Communication as some have suggested via Skype is a no-no to me. Very poor example to set children not to meet in person- it is getting more difficult to find younger people able to communicate this way.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 19:58

Forall- thank god! A dose of common sense. I was giving up!

longestlurkerever · 17/10/2017 20:58

What hyperbolic drivel Forall.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 21:13

Why?

longestlurkerever · 17/10/2017 21:16

It's a meeting between parent and teacher to convey information between the two. It doesn't need to be any sort of example to the child. Even if it did it's a perfectly appropriate medium for the task so why would it be a poor one?

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 21:37

I suppose it shows your priorities to your child if you make time to meet them in person. It's only twice a year.
Again, I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to meet the teacher, unless they simply don't value their input into their child's life. They aren't just an inconvenience.

longestlurkerever · 17/10/2017 21:56

It might not be a question of not wanting to. Would you, as a teacher, find it easy to make a middle of the day meeting about your child? I actually could manage it, and do always attend parents' meetings, but I don't presume that everyone is in the same position as me or that that means they care less. As I said upthread, it's not a competition to demonstrate your dedication as a parent by how much avoidable inconvenience you will put up with without making a suggestion about how things could be made more convenient. It's hardly a quality conversation at parents' evening anyway

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 22:21

But, as I've said before, I haven't met a teacher yet who won't make a mutually suitable time if I can't make the official parents eve!
As for the 'quality of the conversation' it takes at least two people to have a conversation, so the quality isn't down to any one party. If you go in with that attitude then you're right, the conversation won't have much value.

longestlurkerever · 17/10/2017 22:32

Ffs you're determined to judge. It is not about the attitude of either party - just the constraints of the format of parents' evening where you get ten minutes sitting in a tiny chair then bells ring and it is time up is not conducive to an in depth discussion.

The point was simply that trying to make use of technology etc to make this sort of conversation more compatible with other commitments, including work, isn't any kind of sign of not caring about education however much you're trying to insist that it is. What about people who have asked teachers to meet at another time? Are they sending some kind of damaging message too? If not, why not? Your logic is woolly and inconsistent.

Maireadplastic · 17/10/2017 22:44

'What about people who have asked teachers to meet at another time?'

I think you misunderstand- that's me!

longestlurkerever · 17/10/2017 22:51

Well why aren't you sending a terrible message about your priorities? Fwiw of course I don't think you are,, but can't you see that is exactly the same ridiculous argument you were making?

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