To feel bitter towards DB & parents over inheritance.

[BitBitter]

So my DM was left an inheritance by an aunt of £150,000. My parents are both 65+ and have always lived in rented accommodation. They wanted to purchase a flat. The did not have enough to buy a 2 bed flat in our area even with their savings added. They could have afforded a one bed flat, but I was told "but where would your brother live?

My DB is 45, still lives at home. He has no SN or medical issues (apart from being a lazy git). He never lifts a finger to help around the house. When my father was ill, he didn't help in any way or form. All his previous jobs have been as a result of myself or DM getting him interviews at places we already worked. He was made redundant a few years ago and couldn't be bothered to look for work, therefore he didn't sign on and lived off his savings for 2 years. He eventually got a job after my DM found him one where she works.

As my parents could not get a mortgage they signed all the money over to DB. He took out the mortgage and a loan for the £70,000 remaining on the house. He thinks he'll have paid it off in 5 years.

My Great aunts will stated all the inheritance was to go to DM. However if she outlived her it was to be split equally between me & my brother. I can't help but think if she knew DM was going to do this she would have named me separately for a small sum. I have 2 children under 10 she adored and she often talked of helping us out when she'd gone. .

I am glad DM is still around to receive it. I know it is her money to do as she wishes. But I‘m hurt that she didn't think it necessary to give any future provision for me. We still have a mortgage we'll be paying off for the next 20 years. None of the plans were discussed with me, I was just told that's what they were doing. When I asked if they were planning to gift anything to me or the children so we could put it towards a holiday etc, I was told there was none spare. Yet my father bought a brand new car when there was nothing wrong with the old one. Oh and finally when I queried the fact DB would profit greatly whilst I wouldn't I was told "well you've had free childcare as I've looked after your kids when you've gone to work, Your brother's got no kids (yet) so yours will get the flat eventually".

So hit me MN‘s, AIBU to be bitter that my DB will have a flat worth £270,000+ and I won't receive a single penny.

But I‘m hurt that she didn't think it necessary to give any future provision for me. We still have a mortgage we'll be paying off for the next 20 years. None of the plans were discussed with me, I was just told that's what they were doing

Sorry but this is pathetic. Earn your own money. How is this any of their fault exactly? You shouldn't be so reliant on other people dying to pay your bills.

If you could wangle some sort of agreement that he makes a will to leave the house to be shared amongst any surviving family, you would be doing great.

It wouldn't necessarily be worth the paper it was written on. He can make a new one at any time after.

OP I think you have to let this go, however much it hurts. You have to let time take its course - whatever happens in the future regarding their care home needs, what he might do if he marries, are all unknowns.

But no, I don't think you should carry on ferrying them around, or bail them out if they're short of money, or feel that you have any significant responsibility to care for them in the future. You can maintain a distant relationship so that your DCs still see them sometimes, but you don't have to be their servant or bank.

Would you feel as bitter if your aunt had said "fuck this, I'm gonna blow the lot on a round the world trip of a lifetime!"?

That wouldn't involve OPs brother being blatantly favoured over her, so would be quite a different set of circumstances.

fizz I do earn my own money and do not expect anyone else to pay my bills nor have I ever done so. I do not think I'm entitled, as I've said I know it's my mother's.
It boils down too I would have expected them to treat both their children equally.
My point about my mortgage is that i am not financially affluent, IF my parents had treated us equally and IF their had been anything left after they were gone then yes, it would have made a big difference to my family, Yes, some money now would have been nice, who would say otherwise?
But I am more concerned that they have foolishly signed all money over to my brother. They now have no safety net or legal comeback for their own old age which this money would have provided them should he renage on his promise. They have actually taken out a huge loan towards it which my 66 year old mother is now going to have to work her arse off to pay. IF they had bothered to discuss this with me properly beforehand, I certainly would have advised them to seek more financial/legal advice before proceeding.

I am not surprised you are upset. Your parents are most unfair and your brother should be ashamed of himself.

Are they paying him rent?

If not, there is a bit of a case for the money having been used to benefit them.

It all depends whether your brother leaves the house to you / your kids.

Would you feel as bitter if your aunt had said "fuck this, I'm gonna blow the lot on a round the world trip of a lifetime!"?

No, I would not be bitter in the slightest, I would have wished her a Bon Voyage. I'm bitter about the preferential treatment towards my brother.

Are they paying him rent

Well, mum has to pay back the additional 50 grand loan she took out to meet the cost of the flat, so I imagine she won't have much left over. I don't know what arrangement they have come to regarding bills. But I bloody hope not.

Although, them not paying him rent could make it more likely the money gets clawed back by either tax man or care costs. Again depending on whether things are the same where you are OP.

Hang on
Surely he should be paying the extra 50k
Drop out of this thread a while back
So excuse me if I am saying something hundreds have already said!

So your parents come into £150K.

They give it away and immediately take on a debt of £50K. Now they are 200K down (more with interest payments on the £50K) for a roof over their head that belongs to someone else and they don't even have tenants' rights.

They are now much worse off than they were before they came into the inheritance. Except they don't realise that. Yet. But they will.

Be interesting to see how well your mum keeps up on her repayments on the £50K loan (that is one hell of a lot of overtime) and your brother on his £70K mortgage+loan (having sponged off his parents up to now). I'd give it six months before they are both in arrears.

Did your parents vary the terms of your aunt's will? If so then, the money was effectively never left to them and was left to your brother instead. Or that would be the case in England I think, but not sure about where you are. So at least the LA wouldn't be able to claw it back I don't think.

OP I feel for you as I have similar situation with my Dad (which I've posted about) who continues to bankroll my multiple unemployed brothers while ignoring me. I think parents sometimes just want to 'fix' things and feel they can with money, whether inherited or otherwise. (In my dad's case it backfired a bit as sons have spent all the money, remortgaged properties he's bought them etc. Total drama).

The preferential treatment is cruel. There's a reason the fable of the 'prodigal son' resonates so much.

I don't think you'll see the money and given that you're a woman you probably WILL end up looking after your parents more than your brother will.

But just hold your head up high, proud in the knowledge that you've made it without having to take advantage of others and reduce contact with your brother who doesn't sound like he adds much to your life anyway.

I can see where you're coming from- it's not so much about laying claim to an inheritance, more the sense of rejection.

That said, your parents have been incredibly naive. They now own nothing, have tens of thousands of pounds in debt, and could be thrown out of the house by your brother at any time. Your brother could meet someone else and have a family, or meet someone who has children, and then decide that there's no room for your parents anymore. Or he might simply decide that he wants the house to himself, and throw them out. Depending on where you live, they may be deemed to have intentionally deprived themselves of assets and be entitled to nothing. Your dad's car had better be comfortable, they could feasibly end up living in it.

Talk to your folks about how this action makes you feel and how it looks to you rather than the money itself. If they care about you this should make them see how insensitive they have been.

I spoke to my parents about it on Thursday when I collected my children after work. DB was present too. I got it off my chest, shed a couple of tears, listened to their excuses, and basically got told by my father it was none of my business and nothing to do with me. And my mum again mentioned the "I,ve babysat your kids" justification.

I didn't storm out but after a few minutes awkward silence just left with a "Well, I had to tell you how I feel about it".

Due to some annual leave for half term and how my work rota falls. I won't need to ask my mum to do any childcare for the next 2 weeks and it may be possible to shift my hours so I am never reliant on them. I wouldn't stop her seeing her GC, but I don't particularly want to see any of them at present so will leave it to her to contact me.

I think you should completely detach yourself from the situation and thank fuck you were not involved. Neither your parents nor brother has proven to be smart in managing the investment and I mean than in both a financial and legal sense. Your parents childcare bill is going to be enormous in the future. £150k won't even be enough to take care of both your parents in their old age for private care home care fees- if the time comes that they need it. And I sure home they have decent pension provisions to service the debt, bills.

If it was me I'd thank my lucky stars to not have the obligation to look after any of them in the future. Having freedom and independence is the greatest gift of all.

And I sure hope...not home..I mean

Your brother could meet someone else and have a family, or meet someone who has children, and then decide that there's no room for your parents anymore. Christ, he 45 years old and still living at home ? What a catch he is.
OP, I'm so sorry - this is unfair. But this was your aunts money and your parents have (SO foolishly and naively) have put their faith in your brother.

Here's a great Christmas treat suggestion for the OP: take your parents to see a production of King Lear.

Then thank your lucky stars that you have no moral obligation to look after them in their old age, which sounds like it isn't far off. It's all on your brother now, the lucky boy!

I'm also the only girl and the least favoured of three siblings. Since the youngest ('Golden Boy') will shortly the only sibling to be living in the same country as my parents, he scoops the booby prize. Horribly cynical I know, but that's what 37 years of being the least favoured sibling does to a person!

And when I die, each of my children will get exactly a third of my tiny estate, unless there's a bloody good reason to do otherwise.

Right now I don't have a pot to piss in. BUT... I do have my mum. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if she left everything she owned to my siblings!! I wouldn't have HER & thats what would hurt!! All this talk of not looking after them, making it your brothers responsibility as hes the one with the inheritance is nonsense! If your mum hadn't inherited this money you'd be getting jack by the sounds of it. Money makes people twisted imho!

Shift your hours so you don't need to rely on them at all. Be busy and don't see them for a few weeks.
Work out how much money she has saved you in childcare and imagine that's your help. It might make it feel better?

Your brother is lazy, that is annoying. If it was your child could you chuck him it if you were worried he wouldn't manage or he just didn't want to live on his own?

If your parents rented until they died then your db would likely need your help at that point at least this way you avoid that.

Also when one of your parents dies they may enjoy the company, and you will prob benefit from brother living there as they get older as you will know they are taken care of/supervised if needed.

it's shit he is lazy but if this situation suits them all don't grudge them it. It means it parents are rent free which is likely what your aunt wanted.

I am not sure it's worth changing hours for so that you never rely on them again. It seems to be the only thing you get from your parents.

I would go back to them and say "I've had time to think. It might be a good thing that you're living with DS giving your advancing age and future care needs. Just make sure the house is legally shared to protect you all as I am not going to pick up the pieces."

We have had no help from family and spent about £30k on part time childcare (2 days pw) in the last 4 years, so just tell yourself that you were given £50k in childcare vouchers as your inheritance.

Have they done this to avoid care costs/ paying for their care in the future?

I think the childcare help is enormous. Not only the actual cost but the peace of mind that shed be flexible, understanding and 100% to be trusted.