To feel bitter towards DB & parents over inheritance.

[BitBitter]

So my DM was left an inheritance by an aunt of £150,000. My parents are both 65+ and have always lived in rented accommodation. They wanted to purchase a flat. The did not have enough to buy a 2 bed flat in our area even with their savings added. They could have afforded a one bed flat, but I was told "but where would your brother live?

My DB is 45, still lives at home. He has no SN or medical issues (apart from being a lazy git). He never lifts a finger to help around the house. When my father was ill, he didn't help in any way or form. All his previous jobs have been as a result of myself or DM getting him interviews at places we already worked. He was made redundant a few years ago and couldn't be bothered to look for work, therefore he didn't sign on and lived off his savings for 2 years. He eventually got a job after my DM found him one where she works.

As my parents could not get a mortgage they signed all the money over to DB. He took out the mortgage and a loan for the £70,000 remaining on the house. He thinks he'll have paid it off in 5 years.

My Great aunts will stated all the inheritance was to go to DM. However if she outlived her it was to be split equally between me & my brother. I can't help but think if she knew DM was going to do this she would have named me separately for a small sum. I have 2 children under 10 she adored and she often talked of helping us out when she'd gone. .

I am glad DM is still around to receive it. I know it is her money to do as she wishes. But I‘m hurt that she didn't think it necessary to give any future provision for me. We still have a mortgage we'll be paying off for the next 20 years. None of the plans were discussed with me, I was just told that's what they were doing. When I asked if they were planning to gift anything to me or the children so we could put it towards a holiday etc, I was told there was none spare. Yet my father bought a brand new car when there was nothing wrong with the old one. Oh and finally when I queried the fact DB would profit greatly whilst I wouldn't I was told "well you've had free childcare as I've looked after your kids when you've gone to work, Your brother's got no kids (yet) so yours will get the flat eventually".

So hit me MN‘s, AIBU to be bitter that my DB will have a flat worth £270,000+ and I won't receive a single penny.

Your dad can teach your brother to drive in his nice new car.

Your parents aren't on any income based benefits are they OP? If they are, in mainland UK at least, if they've had an inheritance that they've given away that could be considered deprivation of capital. Are they on pension credit? Wouldn't affect state pension as that isn't income based, but they really shouldn't be claiming pension credit in this scenario. You don't say whether they are or not but it sounds like they've never been high income so thought there might be a possibility.

(This assumes the laws are the same where you are. But do find out if they claim any income based benefits).

This is some pretty advanced level stupidity from them anyway. Much as I can see why you're hurt, the more I think about it, the more I reckon you're better off well away from this. It's not going to end well.

I'm usually the first to say OP is being g entitled on most inheritance threads, but actually I think your parents have been incredibly foolish and unfair.

I agree that you should make it clear that DB will be responsible for their care in future. They clearly feel that you are independent and don't need their help, but then that works the other way too- you're too busy maintaining your own independence to help them with theirs

Apart from the fact that was a rotten trick on their part without taking into account you and your children, what would they do if he ends up meeting someone and throws them out to a care home?

Well for a start, unless things are very different where OP is, that's not going to be an option because councils won't pay the fees for people who had 150k and gave it away to someone else!

Blimey, I didn't realise the flat was in your brother's sole name. They may well have got themselves in a bit of a pickle if he decides he wants them out, or wants to sell, or they need to residential care.

What's done is done. It would mightily piss me off if I were you OP. Foolish people.

So parents have helped with childcare in the region on £45000, very rough figure based on rates I charge).

The brother had been housed at a discounted rate for 27 years (assuming he's never moved out) and benefited from additional housekeeping. Let's assume he's paid towards rent and bills he's paid towards food ( for argument sake I'm assuming he's been £3000 better off per year although that's probably a low figure). Over 27 years that's in the region of £80000.

The numbers still don't stack up.

OP, I have pulled away from my parents because of the additional help my siblings get. They look after my sister's kids a couple of days a week, regularly have my brother's kids overnight (sometimes for 2/3 days) and have at various times had both brothers and their families living with them. My parents have looked after DD once in 2010 for 1.5 hours.

I've made it clear I won't be sharing care when they are older, the others have benefited from them, they can repay all the favours.

That sounds quite cold but it is a build up of many years of being treated differently, the childcare disparity is just the most obvious example.

fricken heck i’d be furious. she’s either deliberately favouring him or she seriously needs (or rather, needed) some inheritance planning advice from a solicitor. if it’s all in his name now though I’m not sure what can be done.

At least your parents haven't named you tenants in common so that if they need a care homerun their old age their home cannot be sold to pay for care therefore effectively making me fight my brother (who I am pretty much no contact with) to force a sale on the house when they die. He will want to live in it but will never ever be able to buy me out of my 50%
DM can't see that she is creating a situation where I will have to continue to fight with my brother. Though she can't accept that I am NC with him so I think it's deliberate.
Just feel lucky you can absolve yourself of responsibility for their care in their golden years!

Your parents have handled this appallingly.

In my opinion they should ask you your brother to add you to the mortgage (you can get contracts drawn up to reflect whatever additional amount he will have paid when he has paid up the mortgage).

They can also add a clause where you can evict him from the flat whilst he is still living but at least you can then beqeath your share to your dc in your will so the money will eventually come to their grandchildren, which is what they said they wanted.

The issue is that now they've handed it over to your brother doing all the above is reliant on him agreeing to it.

If your parents and brother won't now try to make amends so your dc at least get the inheritance I would probably cut them off. It may be drastic but it's not about the money, it's the betrayal and unfairness.

Your brother is 45,that is still easily young enough to get married (at that age perhaps to a woman already with her own kids), in which case their grandchildren will be unlikely to see any of that money.

I really wouldn't just let it go, I'd keep talking to your parents about it and keep pointing out the unfairness.

Sorry that should say 'can't evict him'

I have to say I'm with clueless. It's highly likely neither you or the dc will ever see thats money. And I too would question why.
What have you done to make your parent act like this?
It is hurtful and the thing is it's something to be absolutely clear about whilst they are alive. Get it straight. Ie your brother ain't going to leave you or or your dc nothing.

So sad. I can't imagine treating my dc like this. If circumstances forced a similar arrangement I would even if dc not talking to each other force a get together to discuss this.

My db didn't even give our parents a chance gravestone inspite of being left lots of money and in charge of funeral arrangements. Why are people so blind.

I can understand the upset as disparity over DB inheriting the flat and you nothing, when there clearly hasn't been a family rift or other reason for you not to inherit. I wonder if they were concerned regarding your brother being homeless after they passed away? Doesn't make it fair, but may explain their actions?

However, I don't think their choice of flat had to be discussed with you- their money, their choice. Including as to whether your DB lives with them or not. I can understand you thinking your DB ought to be standing on his own 2 feet, but again it is between your parents and your brother.

I don't think the annoyance about your DM not "gifting money" for a holiday or something else is entirely fair either. There is a difference between the issue with the flat and expecting money to be gifted now.

Slightly disagree with clueless- yes, speak to your parents and tell them how you feel. Perhaps they just haven't thought the ramifications of this through properly and there is a good compromise to be reached. If not, then you can have a serious think about what that means for your relationship and where you go from here.

I would though be wary of "telling" your parents what to do or getting it "straight that your brother ain't going to leave you or or your dc nothing". IME when one party does that, the other party tend to dig their heels in and it's harder to for them to admit they got it wrong.

OP I would also be so hurt and angry. It would be nice if your parents gave you and your children the same thought as they did your brother.

I suppose maybe they feel/ fear your brother my never find someone and without them there to pick up the pieces he wouldn't survive.
Whereas they realise you are self-sufficient and would manage.

Not that that make it fair or any less hurtful.

Try not to let it come between you and your family 💖💖💖

Oh lord, what a mess. I am guessing that your parents are very naïve, otherwise they would not have done this. Now, they are in an incredibly vulnerable position. Your brother will probably lose his job again, mortgage will go unpaid, and the property will end up being lost.

I have seen so many posts here on MN where parents insist that they would never charge their adult child rent, would never expect their adult child to move out and take responsibility for their own life. This is the outcome of that sort of attitude. The more you enable, the more advantage is taken.

I bet you are furious OP - and you have every right to be.

However, it will be seen that your parents have disposed of their money just in case they need to be cared for in a care home at some point. This is ILLEGAL. And believe me once Social Services become involved (which they will, if either of your parents have to live out the rest of their lives in a care home) they will find out about the inheritance money and will want to know what happened to it. Any substantial amount of money they have given away in this manner will be recouped.

The Government will not fund a care home for people who have tried to dodge paying their way.

Is he definitely just lazy or could he have an undiagnosed mental illness? It's just that living with his parents at 45, struggling to keep down a job, being unemployed for years at a time, not being able to drive, not (ever?) being in a relationship and being 'lazy' and doing nothing around the house is screaming out depression to me. It doesn't exactly sound like he's living the high life.

I imagine your parents are worried what will happen to him after they've gone. And in your position, with a husband and family of your own and presumably a house and a job too, I'd be understanding of the choice they've made.

What makes you think you are entitled to anything?

Would you feel as bitter if your aunt had said "fuck this, I'm gonna blow the lot on a round the world trip of a lifetime!" ?

You are alive, healthy, and have a family. Count your blessings, and get on with life. And if you feel that badly that it's ruining your relationship with parents/brother, walk away from them, let them lie in the beds they make for themselves and bring your kids up knowing they have to work for what they want rather than waiting for family money to come their way.

@leavesinautumn that's sad. My so called mother did a similar thing with her father (my grandfather). Grandmother was still alive but lost her mind, my so called mother took everything she could early on, then arranged cheapest cremation with no service, no wake, no nothing. When I went back to see his headstone, I found she'd not even had one, she'd had his ashes STREWN on a rose bed BY THE BINS AT THE SIDE OF THE CREM. I was furious and couldn't do a thing about it.

How odd, have you spoken to solicitor about this aspect of it? It seems odd that the intention for you and your db to have equal shares has been over ridden

It hasn't. The Will stated that the nan's money was to go to her sister (ops mom) on her death which it did. It was only to go to the OP and her brother if the Nan outlived her sister, which she didn't.

My FIL made a huge song and dance about how he would never leave anything to my DH in his will, just to his two other (useless) DCs.
It was so hurtful to DH, making him feel like a 'lesser' son.
In the end FIL died penniless in rented accommodation, but guess who had to pay for his funeral and wake? DH and I.
Just venting, but I hope I will never be as insensitive to my kids as this man and OP's parents

YANBU - that's very painful.

But you are seeing everything from outside of their little bubble in which they all live together co-dependently. It's probably not that easy for you to see, but it seems clear they all support each other to stay exactly as they are. Parents like their children to stick around for a myriad reasons - even if, in the long run, it's not doing their children a favour. But when the child is not successful, they collude. No doubt your parents are thinking this is a way to keep your brother there as they get older and need more help.

To them, you probably look like the independent, self sufficient one whose life has turned out well. Within that scenario, they think you should be grateful that you are getting child care. To them, the money to continue living the way they have, is just a way of keeping them stable.

It's hard to do, but try and look away and be grateful you are not stuck like your brother is. If you could wangle some sort of agreement that he makes a will to leave the house to be shared amongst any surviving family, you would be doing great.

But to answer your question, OP, you are absolutely right to feel bitter and so would I, if I were you!
And I would make a point of saying how lucky your parents are to be guaranteed someone to look after them in their old age. Knowing in their hearts how useless their son is, should be enough to give them a few sleepless nights, providing the irony is not lost on them!