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AIBU?

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Original poster

Nursery debate

304 replies

Adviceplease360 · 13/10/2017 09:21

For the past few days, there have been a number of threads about nurseries and the pros and cons. Personally, I am not keen on nurseries for under 3's and after 3 for 15 hours. What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
Morphene · 13/10/2017 11:56

People are very keen to disown all responsibility for ending up in a situation where they can't live in the house they live in, with the children they have, without both parents working.

You made all those decisions. Have the decency to own them.

Especially since the outcome - kids in full time nursery - isn't proven to be an issue at all (at the moment).

Papafran · 13/10/2017 11:56

buying a house is also a lifestyle choice

Because obviously living somewhere where you can be turfed out at any moment with 2 months notice (possibly having to move out of catchment) and where you aren't allowed to decorate is absolutely great for security when you have young kids. So unreasonable to want more stability and security in the form of an owned home.

Let alone the fact that most landlords will credit check and many won't rent to couples where one is not in employment (unless the other is a very high earner).

Morphene · 13/10/2017 11:57

Well i'd certainly like it if the debate moved to 'parents' from 'mothers'.

There is at least hope for that, unlike the breast feeding which I suspect will always be guilt piled on mothers whether they do or don't.

Papafran · 13/10/2017 11:58

You made all those decisions. Have the decency to own them

OK, I am out now. FTFO. Troll.

Morphene · 13/10/2017 11:59

papa you know that mass house ownership is a UK centric thing? Millions of families manage to live with the crushing uncertainty you imply to renting....

But thats the point...if it comes down to renting or putting your kid in childcare then you make that choice. But don't make out it wasn't a choice.

RaeCJ82 · 13/10/2017 11:59

Morphene, £80,000 for a 4 bed house up North? Where exactly? Must be a terrible area because I live up North and most 3 bed semis in ok areas are twice that price.

GinIsIn · 13/10/2017 12:00

Morphene in the current climate, mortgage payments are cheaper than renting so not sure how that factors into your 'lifestyle choice' theory. All relates back to that little thing called the economy....

I note you haven't answered if you own your home...

Mia1415 · 13/10/2017 12:00

Loverofcake *If there are good childminders out there I am yet to encounter one

Of course there are good childminders! I know several. There are good ones, excellent ones and I'm sure a few bad ones.

Exactly the same as in nurseries and with people in general.

ineedwine99 · 13/10/2017 12:00

My baby has been in 5 days a week, roughly 9 hours a day since she was 8 months old.
We both love our jobs so quitting was not an option, she's doing amazingly at nursery and really loves being there, is very happy around the staff and other babies, plays well and i know she gets a good amount of attention, plenty of affection and is well stimulated as well as being well fed with probably more variety than she'd get at home (things we don't like)
I like knowing there is always childcare even when people are on holiday so we're free to book our holidays as we please and not around someone else.

brasty · 13/10/2017 12:02

I have met great childminders and seen great nurseries. I have also seen inadequate childminders and nurseries, including a very expensive nursery in a posh area that looked superficially fabulous, but was I think very inadequate. When I worked with children, as staff we used to judge somewhere by whether we would want to leave our kids there. The answer was not always yes.

CherriesInTheSnow · 13/10/2017 12:03

@FurryGiraffe sorry for the delayed reply to your comment which is a bit out of context now!

I know what you mean, but that's why I attempted to phrase is carefully as deciding to stay at home for 3+ years, because I have seen a lot of replies on this thread and a few others like it where people really do have to work and they feel rather judged when people like me come along and say, well we did this and that so we could be at home with our kids - when it's genuinely not an option for them.

If you want to work and keep your career (as I do) then it's not a problem for you so isn't really covered under the "not having the luxury of choice" thing :) So my comment was aimed, rather than at all working parents, just those who feel they had no other choice but not too, as it is of course an emotive subject :)

Morphene · 13/10/2017 12:03

I do own my own home. Not sure why that's relevant.

In some areas mortgages are cheaper than rents...in other places the reverse.

I'm not advocating any specific choices in any of these areas.

I'm just pointing out that they are in fact choices.

Nobody is forcing anyone to buy/rent/ work in the SE/have children.

If you end up in a situation where your children are in full time nursery then go for it - it seems like a great option! but don't claim it has been forced on you, because there are any number of ways to avoid it if you are so happen to be so inclined - which I'm not suggesting you should be.

MadeleineMaxwell · 13/10/2017 12:04

You made all those decisions. Have the decency to own them

I own my choices. I decided that living in a nice home, with insulation, double glazing, central heating, space, security and his own bedroom is better than living in some rented mould-infested studio shithole we could be turfed out of at a landlord's whim. For DS and us. (In fact, everybody should have safe and secure homes, if you ask me, but this is not the world we live in atm).

So yeah, technically you could phrase that as a choice between shithole + SAHPhood or nice home + nursery, but it's a bit of a no-brainer, innit?

And I'm up north too. £80k 4-beds are either rural or in shitty areas.

brasty · 13/10/2017 12:05

Of course if rent control existed, as it used to, rents and house prices would be lower. Buy to let has fueled house price and rent rises.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 13/10/2017 12:06

You know what I’m not keen on? Judgemental fuckers like you op.

GinIsIn · 13/10/2017 12:08

Because your own scheme for house prices to drop would be to your own detriment so I was just wanting to assess the degree of stupidity in your answer.

It must be lovely to live in a world where things are so cut and dried. "It's a choice." Well yes, but some choices are more of a free will decision than others. Sophie's choice was a choice, after all.... Hmm

notfromstepford · 13/10/2017 12:08

Nothing like lighting the touch paper and standing back to watch the fireworks is there OP - especially when you've not posted since page one (unless I missed it).
Personally I'm not keen on goady AF twats - but each to their own.

Sarahrose21 · 13/10/2017 12:10

I chose to buy with my partner as we are putting less each month on a mortgage than we would renting a similar property which is then an asset to ourselves not lining somebody else's buy to let pocket, i am expecting our 1st in 3 months time and we are planning on either nursery or CM from about 3-4months old, we both need to work and I should not have to chose between motherhood or my career
Will it make me a bad mum? No
Will I judge others because they made different choices to me? No we should stop picking on the different opinions and concentrate on our own lives

FurryGiraffe · 13/10/2017 12:13

@CherriesInTheSnow

Thanks for replying. I completely see where you're coming from. That's the problem with this question: everyone feels judged and everyone feels the need to justify their own choices. I certainly did with DS1- I felt I ought to want to be at home. I've got over it now Grin and am totally at ease with saying I need to work for me and DH needs to work for him, and the sky has not fallen upon the DSs heads as a result of them going to their lovely nursery while we do so!

Notreallyarsed · 13/10/2017 12:22

I’m in Scotland in a shithole of an area and our 3 bed semi is worth less than 80k, the 4 bed we just bought was significantly more.

All this aside, why are some posters so determined to attack other posters for their choices? As long as there is no abuse or neglect then what someone else chooses to do with their kids is absolutely fuck all to do with me, if they want to work full time and put their kid in a decent Nursery, why not? If they want to be a SAHP and use the 15 free hours or not put their kid in at all, why not?

Literally the only parenting choices that I would even attempt to question would be ones where outside agencies should be involved for the child’s safety. Beyond that, it’s got hee haw buckshee to do with me how other parents raise their kids.

insertimaginativeusername · 13/10/2017 12:38

Fenella sorry late back to the thread! No sorry, I was quoting the OP "studies and experts" when I asked and I see they have failed to come back at all, least of all to support the claim. Ah well.

DaisyRaine90 · 13/10/2017 12:43

It’s not a lifestyle choice to live in the SE. Some of us were born here 🙄

KatharinaRosalie · 13/10/2017 13:37

It really begs the question why did you have children if you would be miserable raising them?

Your husband is working? Didn't want to stay home, raise his kids? Why did he have them then?

Original poster
Adviceplease360 · 13/10/2017 13:48

Typed out a long response and its been deleted! First get a grip to whoever said I lit a fire? How bloody dramatic, dont read or reply to a thread, no one is forcing you. We manage childcare between ourselves, it has meant not progressing work wise to allow more flexibility, living in our starter home instead of moving into a bigger home/nicer area but it works for us now.

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 13/10/2017 13:51

Really what was the point of starting this.... there is no "one size fits all" for any parent/child/family

All of my children have gone to nursery 2 days a week and we've all benefitted in many ways.

But do what's right for you, your child and your situation

Why waste time debating it?