Nursery debate

[Adviceplease360]

For the past few days, there have been a number of threads about nurseries and the pros and cons. Personally, I am not keen on nurseries for under 3's and after 3 for 15 hours. What does everyone else think?

There are two issues here aren't there: first whether children are better at home with a parent or in childcare; and second, what kind of childcare is 'best'.

The first is moot in a lot of (most?) cases. In many families, both parents need or (and this is important) want to work. Neither DH nor I want to be at home full time. We would be miserable- and that isn't in anyone's best interests.

So childcare is a necessity for many families. The question then is what kind is best for an individual family, but that surely depends on myriad factors: the child and his/her needs/personality; parent's working hours; cost; and most importantly, the particular childminders and nurseries available to the family in question. You can generalise about the hypothetical 'best' childminder v the hypothetical 'best' nursery, but that's not reality. You choose based on the provision local to you that is available.

Personally, we looked at nurseries and childminders. We didn't particularly gel with any of the childminders but we loved the nursery we chose for DS1. It's been a good decision, he thrived, and DS2 is thriving too. Might they have equally thrived with fantastic childminder? Of course. But that's hypothetical because the best childcare we could find local to us was a nursery.

Whether nursery is "beneficial" or not, it was certainly beneficial to my daughter that we could afford a place to live and food on the table, so absolutely necessary and beneficial for us as a whole.

I stayed at home with my grandparents until I was school age, which is all well and good if you have grandparents (two of ours are dead and the others live far away). But honestly, it wasn't beneficial to me personally. I was really socially awkward and really struggled in school to start. I would have myself done much better being in more of a structured environment, even though I loved my grandparents and really enjoyed being with them. Obviously much more complicated than just about being in nursery as my home life was difficult as well, which impacted on me when I got to school. But still I don't think I benefited from not being in nursery.

What I do think benefited me though was seeing how hard my mum worked to help us have a good life. She went back to work at 3 months because she had no other choice (that's when my grandparents took over). And seeing her perseverance and work ethic has really helped me in my own life. I went back to work part-time when my daughter was 11 months and then full-time when she was 2. I got a PhD and I have a great job in a fulfilling career that I love. I think my daughter will also one day look back and see how hard I've worked and how happy I am with what I've achieved and will learn a lot from that. Much more so than if I was sitting at home being depressed because I had to give up on my passion to stay at home with her and if we didn't have enough money to pay the bills.

So whether nursery itself is beneficial or not surely isn't the point, it's the broader family dynamic - happy, fulfilled parents, fewer financial stresses, etc. - that having help with childcare can create that allows children to flourish, I think.

I also meant to add. On the flip side, my nephew is and only. He did not go to nursery, did not have copious play dates. Dd saw him a few months ago and found him quite tiresome. I know that 6yos often find it difficult to share and take turns. However, his parents dumped him on me and then when I got him to do another activity, as he’d been hogging a ride on toy for an hour while dd pushes him round, he complained to his mother. She told him he should do exactly what he wants to do and if he wanted to play on the toy, he should play on the toy. I was .

Interesting debate. So, OP, how do you propose that people juggle careers and childcare? Or should women (because I am sure there are loads of totally rigorous studies claiming men can't offer the same care) just jack in their jobs, become SAHMs and face a future of poverty and uncertainty as a result?

I should add that for us, a nursery was the best choice as I didn't like the idea of a childminder with her hands full leaving my daughter to cry. We chose a small private nursery and there were always plenty of staff on hand (7 in fact) so one of them could always give her a cuddle or rock her to sleep or hold her (literally for the first two months, she slept on someone's chest as they rocked in the rocking chair for naps as she wouldn't sleep on her own there without getting upset). A childminder never could have done that as she would have had other children to look after and would have just left her to cry. A nanny wasn't an option financially, but also we work from home so we needed someone with a permanent base elsewhere who could have her for the day rather than being in our home will we're on the phone having meetings and such.

No parent is going to come a thread of this type and say that their child is going to a nursery and then admit that it might not be the best option. ( you could include any type of childcare in that statement). It doesn't matter what the evidence points to. It's very hard to argue for or against something when you have a stake in the outcome ..... a horse in the race so to speak. I will say though that the statement that some children are in childcare more than 8 hours a day 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year the saddest thing I've read today.

Yesterday I took my children to a cafe. There were elderly grandparents sat next to us, they were looking after their grandson who is about the same age as my DD (8 months). They barely spoke to him the whole time we were there, only to shout at him and tell him he was very naughty because he dropped his greasy chips on the floor.

For some, this care would be preferable because it's carried out by a family member but I would be devastated if my dm looked after my children like this. There are good and bad in all childcare, and there's no perfect solution. Even parents staying home full time may not be perfect because we're all human and need stimulation.

Let parents decide what's best for them and their children.

I don’t think either option (at home with parents vs some sort of childcare setting) should be pitted off against each other.

The suggestion children who don’t go to nursery are socially less advanced is as offensive and damaging as the suggestion children who do are missing out.

Whatever works for the child and family in question is what works. Every situation varies and it’s about making the choice which works.

It’s annoying that whatever you do, you’ll be made to feel guilty by some train of thought, article or new study.

Anecdotal evidence abut the experiences of individual children really is only valid for that child under those circumstances. I find it really frustrating when people make sweeping generalisations based n their own limited experience.

It depends on the child. Some are fine with it others can't cope

My DD1 started nursery when she was 1 and I had to go back to work. She goes there 2 days a week. She really enjoys it and I think it's really helped her socially and with her verbal skills.

DD2 will also be starting nursery next month shortly after she turns 1.

At the end of the day we aren't all in a position to give up work / use family for all childcare. We considered childminders but it's so difficult then when the childminder goes sick / goes on holiday etc, and we needed childcare that was really reliable.

So many variables here that it's impossible to generalise, surely? It all depends on the child, nursery, family situation etc.

I will say though that the statement that some children are in childcare more than 8 hours a day 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year the saddest thing I've read today.

Why so sad? Is it based on your own limited experience?

for your

I will say though that the statement that some children are in childcare more than 8 hours a day 5 days a week, 51 weeks a year the saddest thing I've read today

So who did you think looked after the children of the millions of full time working parents? They would be 'in childcare' at home too but their parents would be providing the childcare. Seriously, don't blast parents who have to work. In Scandinavia, there are much fewer stay at home parents and the state provides accessible childcare. I would not say their societies are riddled with problems.

SpiritedLondon - My son was in nursery for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week for 48 weeks a year.

Our 4 weeks holiday were together were/are always amazing and we were either away on holiday or doing days out. My weekends are purely focused on him.

When you have to work (and are a single parent in my case), there are not always many options.

Do I feel guilty? Yes, incredibly guilty that he only has me in his life and I have to work. But he is very happy, confident and I don't regret the choices I have had to make for him.

Furrygiraffe's post above is the most balanced sensible post I've ever read on this subject. Awesome!

My DD was looked after by family until she turned 3 and started nursery (August this year). She had a great time with family, but we have seen her improve drastically since starting nursery.

She had never really been around other children for a long period of time, just the occasional playdate and visits to soft play.

Whereas, now she attends nursery 3 days a week and is learning how to make friends and share correctly. Her speech has always been good, but again she is more confident in what she is saying and will now happily join in other kids and ask their names etc whereas before she would stay by my side and be too shy.

When we decide to have another baby, we are thinking that we would put them in a private nursery for around 2/3 days a week and they can have the remainder of the time with family. It means the new baby will have the best of both worlds, but i understand this isn't possible for everyone.

I will look to put my DC in a nursery when they are 1 yr old for that reason of interacting with other children developing more as an individual and being able to do a lot more than what I would be able to offer day in day out

I left my current job and got a weekend part time job so at the moment me and my DH can look after our DC as we personally felt they were too young to go not because it wasn’t safe it was it was just we didn’t feel comfortable but we have agreed at 1 yrs of age they will go to nursery.

people have to work in order to pay bills sadly that’s life and I don’t think anyone should be made to feel ashamed or bad parents for their own personal choices whether they go back to work or take up part time work to fit around family life or whether they stay at home we are all entitled to our own choices in life

As long as a child is being cared for it doesn't bother me.

Some people don't have the option to not use a nursery.

Mine go two days a week. They love it. and I love the peace and quiet

It has done wonders for them.

I think this is just designed to goad.

My 2 year old is at Nursery for 30 hours a week due to both me and DH working, she loves Nursery. Runs in without a backwards glance at me/DH, eats very healthy home cooked on site food, has a couple of little friends and adores the staff. We don't struggle to get her home again but she loves it.

I think a really good childminder is the best option, but the really good ones tend to be fully booked so you’re left with the ‘ok’ ones. So a nursery becomes the only option for many. And then they just get on with it & it’s usually fine.

Also my mum put my brother and I in Nursery when we were 3 and 2 so she could work. Again we loved it.

And we've both grown up be well balanced, capable adults as have many of our friends. So I don't believe the study that it's harmful.

@FenellaMaxwellsPony
I think you should mind your own business and not judge - some people don't have the luxury of other options.

Hear, hear!

Everyone has their own circumstances.

I have worked in nurseries and wouldn't want to send my own under 3's to one, I feel a home setting (childminder/nanny) is better at that age.

My own children haven't been to nursery at all. It hasn't held them back.