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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

424 replies

ShirleyValentineTwo · 12/10/2017 23:17

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP posts:
Isetan · 14/10/2017 06:54

Urgh, I meant martyred.

Sancerresanwine · 14/10/2017 07:14

What a wonderful, enriching, exciting period of life you are about to start on. Your children will have mixed feelings of course, but they will have noticed how you are demeaned. It is very likely they will whole heartedly support your decision to leave a man who makes you unhappy and treats you appallingly.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

Melony6 · 14/10/2017 08:25

Don't lumber your DCs with the responsibility of managing a company, instead put some money regularly into their pensions. Or let them have a regular amount towards house purchase or lump sum towards a deposit. There are lots of ways to support them.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/10/2017 08:36

I'd get a clear idea of finances (value of business, equity in house, cetv of his pension) and go and see a divorce lawyer with expertise in businesses. No point restructuring if it ends up being a matrimonial joint asset anyway.

My DH was in his late teens when his parents separated. He felt nothing but relief. They've been miserable for years. I was surprised a few years ago when my parents so that my childhood Home. I was expecting to feel really sad that actually didn't care at all, I was more happy that they have moved somewhere where they would be happy and that instantly felt like home even though I was never going to live there.

Allthewaves · 14/10/2017 09:13

Do not sign business over to dc - what's to stop dh manipulating dc to getting his hands on the business. You need to go and get some legal advice

FluffyWhiteTowels · 14/10/2017 09:30

You may be able to use a lifetime trust to avoid CGT? You should see a specialist tax /commercial solicitor before deciding or doing anything.

BitOfANameChange · 14/10/2017 10:05

OP, please do not sign the business over to the children. Get the legal advice before you do anything. It's certainly possible your DH could manipulate the children.

And of course your DH didn't agree to you signing it over. He won't be benefiting from it once you've done that, and he wouldn't be able to claim it as a marital asset when you split.

eddielizzard · 14/10/2017 11:07

i agree. don't sign it over to your kids. that'll put them in the middle of you two.

get a shl now.

Dowser · 14/10/2017 11:28

I like that maya angelou quote.
It's like telling yourself to forgive yourself for not having the self awareness way back then but now you have it now...
Watch this space.
I don't think you'll wait two years op.
Those worms aren't going back in the can.
I always think of Marie kondo...if there's something in your life not bringing you joy...then get rid . I think it applies to animate as well as inanimate objects.

Start off by seeing a lawyer so you get a good grasp n what you will be left with.

He sounds like a pompous old goat...tell me..does he wear a bow tie?

Greyponcho · 14/10/2017 12:12

Your DCs might not want to be lumped with a business where their dickhead dad owns half the company- could end up very stressful for them if he tries to overrule them on decisions, they might want to sell but feel like they owe it to you to keep it and may end up not being the benefit to them that you would hope it would be

annielouise · 14/10/2017 12:59

Let the kids find their own way in life. At least during their 20s. Maybe in their 30s they might want to be involved in the business. Can he buy you out, even if it means you get all the house and whatever assets and he gets all the business? The kids can still access getting into the business - if they want - via their dad.

Dowser · 16/10/2017 12:37

Just wondering how you are getting on op

Thinking of you l

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 16/10/2017 17:50

Thank you, Dowser - plus everyone else too.

I've been reflecting on the many good points raised. A few things are clearer in my mind.

A few pps mentioned that I may be using DC as an excuse to not leave right away. Well, I suppose, that's not too far off.

But, why wouldn't I leave?

This is how I feel now, and I could change my mind, but right now if I ask myself that question, the truth is that I like having someone to care for.

When it was suggested that I stop cooking, shopping, cleaning etc for DH, I realised that I would have to do these things for myself anyway and it's not much more trouble to do them for two.

Plus, I feel duty-bound (shared history etc) to look after him. Again, this was highlighted to me by a pp saying, if you don't leave now then you might find you have to care for him because of illness or old age. Well, that didn't seem to bother me as much as I thought it would. I can care for someone I have a duty to even if they no longer see me as someone they themselves care for ( I have past experience of doing this).

The other major point a lot agreed on the issue of (not) turning over part of the business to DC.

Again, on reflection, the main reason I want(ed) to do that was to dispose of some of the assets to make sure DC get something at least. Also there would be less for DH to take if we part and he remarries. The thinking behind this is that I had a friend who worked hard and paid her mortgage off only to die within a year of paying it off. Her DH remarried (too quickly) and then he died shortly after thus leaving my friend's two kids (grown up) with nothing because the father's new wife got everything (and she had her own kids). Basically, my friend worked her butt off to pay for a house that went to some unknown.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I've set myself two years to get my feelings thoroughly in order. But, it seems, already I've decided I can live with someone who thinks I'm dirt under their shoe ....... if they themselves can live with the dirt too.

I do feel sad about this, but there's no guarantee other options are better. And, without seeking 'martyrdom', I do think I can live with myself if I stayed whilst at least I was still good at pulling my weight (and a bit more, perhaps).

Basically, I'm not doing anything wrong. Right?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 16/10/2017 18:19

It's your decision OP. But you were unhappy enough to post on here about it. I've never known anyone to be happy sacrificing themselves for someone who thought of them like dirt.

I think you've gone so long neglecting yourself that you no longer know who you are and what you want.

PoorYorick · 16/10/2017 18:21

By the way, OP, academia is far more flexible and female friendly now. I know someone who began an academic career in her 50s, starting with an OU degree. Your skills may be rusty but they are there.

user1471449805 · 16/10/2017 18:26

You are so much better than this!

BlueSuffragette · 16/10/2017 18:44

You are selling yourself way short!

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2017 18:48

If you are decided on the above course (and I am really sorry that you are - you have far more than a lot of women to be able to do something about it) then please get counselling.

You need to understand why you are selling yourself so short, with perhaps the hope that it will give you the insight and strength to do something about it.

Looserwoman · 16/10/2017 18:53

I personally think you're absolutely mad but if you have made up your mind that you want to continue looking after him, can I suggest that does not involve you sitting in the house drinking while you wait for him to come home so you can provide him with dinner. At least use the next two years to start building up your life so you are in a better and more confident position to start a new life for yourself in the future.

BackInTheRoom · 16/10/2017 19:10

Is it my imagination or does OP's H keep mentioning female colleagues? 🤔

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 16/10/2017 19:23

My ex was a snob like your H. I only realised after our marriage had broken down that my value to him was my status (professional, respected), the companies I worked for (top tier) and the money I bought home (good lifestyle). Once i became a stay at home mum his disdain began to show and the veneer slipped. He never had, and still doesnt, any interest in our DC friends or the local community unless they were of use to him (eg in proving to family court that he is a good dad). There is a slightly crude saying - that you cant polish a turd but it holds true in my case that the polish and veneer is surface and he is foul underneath. I was often made to feel I was shit under his shoe.

I am much happier now with good friends, a job I love, wonderful DC who are starting to see their dad for what he is. He thinks he won. God knows what? He had an affair with a woman who was identical to me in many ways on the surface but he cant see that she is rotten to the core, so they are well suited.

I would leave if I were you. A long marriage? He will be in for a shock when the courts award 50:50 of assets.

eddielizzard · 16/10/2017 19:31

i also think you need to talk to a therapist and try and find out why you don't think you should be respected or valued. why you're happy to drink half a bottle of wine every night while waiting for your shithead husband to come home late and watch him eat your lovingly cooked meal while he barely makes the effort to talk. why you're good enough to clean his skiddy underpants but not have an opinion worth listening to.

sorry, bit cross here. you deserve so much more.

Melony6 · 16/10/2017 19:33

One reason someone might care for someone is to make them happy/ happier than if you didn't bother. From what you have said it sounds like you are a nuisance in his eyes and not adding much to his life.

I suppose if caring for him makes you happy then it's worth it to you.

MyOtherProfile · 16/10/2017 19:34

Basically, I'm not doing anything wrong. Right?

I have to disagree. This is wrong on so many counts. If your self esteem is so low that you are prepared to live with and serve someone who holds you in such contempt you really need to get some counselling. Don't let your children see you being subservient to someone who values so many other women over you.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2017 19:37

Wow. You deserve so much more than this half life.

I feel 'duty bound' to care for my DH too as we have been married 30+ years, although I wouldn't see it as a 'duty'. We've both already done this for each other; him when I broke my ankle and wrist, I when he had heart failure. But we saw it as a privilege and a gift of love (mutual love) to care for each other, not a 'duty'.

So, you'll care for him. Do be aware that he will NOT do the same for you. As a matter of fact, you can expect to be deserted or even actively mistreated when the problems of old age set in (and it comes to all of us) or, God forbid, you should be diagnosed with cancer or another serious health condition. He will NOT help you one iota and will most likely divorce you. Why would you put yourself in the position of caring for someone who doesn't give a rat's ass if you live or die? Why? You have no 'duty' to care for someone who does not repeat or care for you. You're using 'duty' as an excuse to stay when you know you should leave.

It may not be much more trouble to 'do' for two domestically, but it sends a clear message to him that he can regard you as nothing more a servant, a 'thing' who is there simply to provide for his needs and for whom he has no emotional responsibility. And it sends a message to you (subconsciously) that you do not deserve to be treated with consideration. Do you see how mentally destructive this is? How it has not only made you into a doormat, but has made you feel that such treatment is acceptable.

If you want your two years, take them. But see a solicitor about the business AND find yourself a good counselor. You need them both equally. Actually, you probably need the counselor more.

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. But I have a friend in a somewhat similar situation, although her's is because her DH is an abusive alcoholic. Still, she feels a 'duty'. I tell her that 'for better or worse' does NOT mean 'better for him, worse for you'!!!