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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

424 replies

ShirleyValentineTwo · 12/10/2017 23:17

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2017 19:39

*respect, not repeat. 'than a servant'. 'hers' not her's'.

Oh never mind! I really need to proof read better!

PoorYorick · 16/10/2017 19:47

You know, OP, there is no prize at the end of this. It's not like Cinderella where if you just allow yourself to be treated like shit for long enough, someone will come along and reward you for your sacrifice. The only prize you'll get is more of the same.

Flimp · 16/10/2017 19:50

You're staying because you like caring for this man who gives not one flying fuck about how you feel??

How about reframing leaving him (or kicking him out) as self-care?

I agree with pp, please don't show your children that it's normal to sacrifice yourself to someone like this.

Melony6 · 16/10/2017 20:12

The DCs will be seeing you treated as scum. This will influence their opinion of you. Don't assume that because, in your eyes, you are a good mother that they will naturally have respect for you. You don't choose your parents and your DH, horrid though he is, is their DFather, the one whose dna they inherit and they won't want to think of him as a selfish abuser. So that leaves you in a bad position, also they will learn that there is some minion at home who does all the tedious dirty work, whilst they get on with their more interesting lives. Not a good attitude for their future partners.

Atenco · 16/10/2017 20:21

What a waste of such a caring person, frankly. If you like caring for others so much, surely you could do it for people who need such care and hopefully appreciate it.

And do please stop the self-medication with the wine. That is certainly not a good thing for your children to see.

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 16/10/2017 20:26

Ok, ok. I've read the comments and they have affected me.
Possible outing (and I have already name-changed) but he is having a meal out tonight with two female colleagues (two makes it acceptable, for sure). I'm posting because I'm on my third glass of wine and Netflix is paused on another Pauline Collins film (Time of Their Lives, it's great).
It is a 30+ relationship and that makes me 50++++
So, I have old-fashioned values to do with duty. Plus, it's countdown for me now so I just have to get my 'ducks in a row' and if I'm lucky I'll have another reasonable decade and if not, it's been an ok life.
Maybe we expect too much these days?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 16/10/2017 20:30

P.S. for those kindly souls who are concerned about the wine, no DCs here - only dear pet. Well cared for even after wine.

(Sorry, I don't mean to sound flippant.)

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 16/10/2017 20:41

Maybe we expect too much these days?

You certainly don't.

As for being in your 50s, as I said, I know a lady who STARTED her academic career at that age. She's now a successful lecturer. You know what to do, you've done it before, and academia is more accessible than ever now. Or could you look into freelance writing and journalism?

You can reasonably expect to have decades ahead of you still, OP. How do you want to spend them? Enslaved to a man who treats you like shit, ready to wipe his arse should he fall ill, self medicating with wine and asking everyone else if that's OK....

...and knowing all the while that if YOU fell ill or needed care or could no longer wait on him, he would be out of there like a shot and enjoying the company of all his female colleagues?

Do you know, I want to change my answer to your question. There IS something wrong with enabling bad people, and there IS something wrong with allowing them to treat good people like shit. And you're a good person.

Melony6 · 16/10/2017 20:42

^Plus, it's countdown for me now so I just have to get my 'ducks in a row' and if I'm lucky I'll have another reasonable decade and if not, it's been an ok life*
The DCs have left home, you still have your wits and your health - the world is your lobster OP .wish I was only 50+++

MiniCooperLover · 16/10/2017 21:03

OP, you seem to have switched from someone deeply unhappy at being treated badly to someone who is almost happy to be unhappy and treated badly, all whilst not forgetting to do his laundry and cooking. So yes you most definitely are setting yourself up as a martyr and I genuinely can’t understand why. I can guarantee your kids are aware (and have been for years) how badly your H treats you and probably can’t understand themselves why you’re still there. It sounds like you have the means to get out so please do it. Or just put up with being treated like shit. Your choice.

foxyloxy78 · 16/10/2017 21:16

You need to leave this bastard. How dare he treat you like this after everything you have brought to the relationship. You need to start seeking legal advise and make your plan to leave him. Just leave him. Don't over think it. Your DC will be absolutely fine.

YouTheCat · 16/10/2017 21:17

I watched that film the other day. It is indeed very good.

I did a lot of watching things like 'Shirley Valentine' when I was at my lowest and in a shitty marriage. I was also drinking too much. It took the edge off. I speak from experience and from having been where you are.

Please seek some counselling at least.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2017 21:33

Age is no excuse, Shirley, I'm over 60 and I'd kick your DH to the kerb so fast it'd make your head swim.

It's not a 'generational thing' to allow yourself to be treated like shit, so don't give me that. You may think you can convince the 'under 40s' on MN that we 'over 50s' march to a different set of values or that we take marriage vows more seriously than they do, but you know as well as I that that's BS. Women have been leaving abusive husbands since Bible Times. And the women who stayed back 'in the day' did not do so out of 'duty'. They did it out of fear of being ostracized, fear of violence, and/or the lack of financial resources. Well, you don't need to fear ostracism, you haven't mentioned violence, and you DO have financial resources. These days women who say they're staying out of 'duty' are usually either afraid of change, afraid of 'reduced circumstances' or afraid of 'being alone'. But it's better to be alone than wish you were! And I'd rather dine on crumbs on my own in peace than eat a banquet with an abusive man.

And don't try to tell me that he's not abusive. Abuse isn't always a fist in the face. Sometimes (and more often) it's verbal abuse and emotional neglect, both of which you get at his hands.

It's your life. But remember that the choices you make will come back to you and those choices don't just affect you. Your daughters will probably marry someone 'just like Daddy' and your sons will probably treat their wives poorly.

Stop the drinking, stop deluding yourself. Get treatment, get counseling, and get OUT!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/10/2017 22:31

You are still writing as if it is entirely within your control as to whether you stay in this relationship. Your decision alone. I think you are misreading the situation.

I will say again what I said before. He is following the script. He's going to leave you for one of those bright young colleagues who think he's the bees knees.

Get your ducks in a row quickly. If I'm wrong no harm done. If I'm right you won't be in such a bad position.

scootinFun · 16/10/2017 23:42

Well, be a matyr if that’s how you like it, but if he leaves the marriage with most of your assets and deprives your children of the money YOU earned to set up the other woman I hope you can live with your decision. Christ, you haven’t turned the other cheek you’re a whirling dervish! I do hope it works out for you but AT LEAST set up a new company and funnel the contracts into it. Please.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/10/2017 01:52

People aren’t concerned about the wine because you might endanger your children, but because routinely drinking that much wine is just plain bad for and will make it much harder for you make yourself happy. Stopping drinking by itself won’t sort your life out, but it will give you the space to do it, and it sounds like you have quite a bit to do.

BackInTheRoom · 17/10/2017 06:58

Runrabbit, my thoughts EXACTLY. 😕

BackInTheRoom · 17/10/2017 07:06

OP, here's 'The Script'

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-Crisis-a-guide-how-to-hurt-people

Mix56 · 17/10/2017 08:11

You may well live another 40 years, this downhill slope is nonesense.
a counsellor will help you see clearly that you have been treated so badly you don't dare hope for better,
I think this is so succinct; These days women who say they're staying out of 'duty' are usually either afraid of change, afraid of 'reduced circumstances' or afraid of 'being alone'. But it's better to be alone than wish you were!
If nothing else, please go out in the evening, join a reading club, or Zumba or pottery or volunteer, anything that gets you out with normal people with whom you can laugh & make yourself your own network of friends to be happy with. You may discover that your Dear Husband takes a dim view of it... maybe he is just lazy & entitled. & needs a wake up call. either way. Live your life, please don't waste it.
& maybe you do snore when you have had a bottle of wine..

ptumbi · 17/10/2017 08:34

OP - if it is no more trouble to chuck his washing in with yours, or make a meal for 2, or hoover his room whilst the hoover is out.... why doesn't he do the exact same for you? After all, it's no trouble!

Please read acrossthepond's posts. She makes SO much sense, and puts into words what I want to say. She really sticks a pin in it.

At the very least, protect your business; I can foresee him leaving you for a younger model, taking half your hard-earned business, and teaching your dc how to treat women in one fell swoop.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 17/10/2017 08:49

If you've decided to give it two years to get your ducks in a row that's up to you, but the kids being away at uni is the ideal time to go. More complicated if one or more decide to come back to live at home once they leave Uni and you'll feel conflicted about doing it then.

In the meantime, yes, it's no trouble to make an extra portion of food or do his washing if you are also doing it for yourself, but why should you make his life easy and comfortable when he doesn't do the same for you? He doesn't help you when you ask and treats you with absolute contempt. If you decided to take a stand and stop looking after him, maybe it would be a wake up call for him and he'd change his behaviour. Probably not, but why should he get away with having a comfortable life and treating you like shit? Stop letting him get away with it. You'll feel a whole lot better about yourself when you stand up to him.

Tealdeal747 · 17/10/2017 09:03

If you knew that the next 2 years were the last of your life, would you stay?

JustWonderingZ · 17/10/2017 10:43

OP, I am sad reading your posts. You are in complete denial...This man and marriage to him is bad for you. He is destroying a little bit of you every day, and you have resigned to sit there passively and let him devastate what you are. The smart beautiful person you once were hasn’t gone anywhere, she is still there inside you. Set her free, bring her out and stand up for yourself. He is so not worth you!

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2017 11:31

It is a 30+ relationship and that makes me 50++++

Well that's considerably younger than me and I hope I've got a good 20 years life at least, left.

And sorry, it wouldn't be being spent the way you are spending yours.

5rivers7hills · 17/10/2017 12:03

OP, I am sad reading your posts. You are in complete denial...This man and marriage to him is bad for you. He is destroying a little bit of you every day, and you have resigned to sit there passively and let him devastate what you are. The smart beautiful person you once were hasn’t gone anywhere, she is still there inside you. Set her free, bring her out and stand up for yourself. He is so not worth you!

^this!!!

Also do protect your business, he is going to FUCK you over.