... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

I'm in a similar position. It's extraordinary how we find ourselves in this place! Talented, assured women turned into mice. I hear you, Shirley.
I'm married to someone who thinks he lives in some kind of hotel; he turns up, pays the bills, but that's about it. Oh, and tells me that I have no self respect... he's spending too long with those young career girls with their manicured nails and heels.

I'm also biding my time, and using it to propel me forward in terms of 'getting my ducks in a row' and doing some additional training which will make me a lot more employable, as I've spent so long out of the workplace.

I use the early part of every evening to quietly go through our house admin, or do homework towards my course.

I am also seeing a counsellor and have had 3 or 4 sessions with her. DH doesn't know. She has been a massive, massive help in getting my thoughts in order, and making me realise that the situation here is not good. She's giving me a framework to live by, which includes hauling DH up on his behaviour. It's not really changing things, but it's giving me more control. I sleep better, that's for sure.

I would say to maintain the status quo at the moment. See a solicitor, get his name off your business, get all your other financial ducks in a row and then leave.

If he gets wind of a change he might instigate the split and it might leave your business vulnerable.

You definitely need to leave though love, you will feel like a weight has been lifted once he's not around.

Open a new business, put all new business through it or ask an accountant how to restructure but I think you have left it too late.
On the other hand, his pension is probably worth a decent sum so that is something to bear in mind.
Follow Coyote and get thee to a nice gym - even one class a week and a swim will be your time. If anyone asks about your marital situation in conversation then tell them you are separated. Then realise how good that sounds. Then make it happen. Start to live the life you imagine ...

I worry that the DCs will take it at face value. DF is a busy hardworking man, he is rude to DM. DM doesn't mind him being rude and gets drunk at weekends.

And what will he tell them once you have split - that he was a selfish and manipulative sod who ground you down into the ground. I doubt it - more well your DM had a drink problem, it was v difficult for me, I stayed as long as I could now we (him and DCs) are on our own.

It's v important to get out now with all this is yours.

YY Abiut protecting the business.
That's part of 'putting your ducks in a row'
Go and see a lawyer re divorce and another re the business.

Prepare things ahead.

Believe me, once you get into that FEMA of mind and start doing things for YOURSELF, it change things a lot, even if he doesn't know anything about it.

Don't waste a minute longer with this dickhead. Your kids have left home. You don't need to stay with him. You're staying to give the kids somewhere to go in the holidays but you'll be able to do that anyway. Wipe that smug smile of his face and tell him what's happening. Arrogant idiot. At this age the kids can cope with it I'm sure.

OP, I recently left someone after a very long time, it's hard but so much better now.

I do agree with getting some advice from a commercial lawyer about your business - the idea of a new business taking the work and letting the old one dwindle might be a good one.

Also, get in touch with a lawyer about a divorce. Don't be too quick to agree to giving away half, as I think your "D"H might actually be nasty enough to try and take away as much as he can himself. He's been happy to live off the money you've been earning while sneering at you personally.

He likes the house? He can buy you out. Market value, not what hedecides to offer. And he can hire a housekeeper to keep it all running along for him.

So much good advice on this thread about how to get your financial ducks in a row! I agree with protecting yourself and getting things in order before letting him know that the gig is up.

One more thing -- while you are getting your ducks in a row financially, I think it would be a good idea to get your health care up to date. You mentioned snoring. I think it's possible that you don't snore and he just said that so that he create more space in the relationship while blaming you. BUT I also think it's possible that you do snore and it is a symptom that you're best figuring out the cause. I was snoring, and it turned out to be sinus problems that once resolved, I slept a whole lot better and felt much better.

And the house -- think about what you want to have happen and then aim for it. Do you want the house? Do you care if he gets the house (assume that he will move another women in to cook and clean and iron)? Is it probably best to sell the house and just think of it as an asset to divide the money? (I think I would want some place new, but with enough space for the kids when they are on break)

The fact that he has totally checked out gives you a lot of space to get your life in order before actually ending the relationship.

I'm so excited for you! My all time favorite quote fits:

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

I can't stand to think about what I mess I have let myself become but every time I try and do something to improve myself I just think what's the point?

And you do realise, don't you, that the reason you feel there's no point is because he's made you feel so shit about yourself that you believe that?

There is every point to making yourself feel confident and strong again. Hop over to the Style and Beauty board if you need help.

You have had great advice so far

The only thing I would add is that you need to acknowledge one important point. You are not staying for the (grown ??) kids. You are staying for you.

He sounds very calculating in how he insisted on having his name on your business. I second having a commercial lawyer advise you of how to untangle yourself from him with the least trouble before you discuss separating with your H. You sound lovely and kind; he sounds like he would absolutely take you to the cleaners given half a chance so please take care of your own interests and don't assume he'll be reasonable.

Reading between the lines it sounds like he resents you. You were more successful than him academically, you've since set up your own business that was also successful and gave you both a high standard of living. It may be that his digs about academia are designed to hit you where it hurts the most and try to make you doubt your abilities, when by any objective measures you have been far more successful than him. His ego must be killing him.

I agree that you sound very nice.

He is using you. Go for a very smart settlement because what ever he has will be used to court his next woman. Be tough.

You can out smart him.

Remember the woman you were when he fell in love with you, strong, intelligent, worth emotional investment. Dig deep, find that woman again and fall in love with yourself. You got lost along the way. She is in there and worth investing in with your own happiness and hopes and ambitions for the rest of your life. Kick him to the curb when you have secured professional support from a counsellor to build your strength and find your self identity and get top draw legal advice. Do not tell him anything. Find the strength to start now. You are worth so much more and he is a weight holding you back, you will soar high on your own. Be brave. Onwards and upwards.

I think we're all unanimous that there has been an outpouring of good advice, mostly from those with experience of one form or other. I respect all that has been said and it supports most of my feelings on what I should/could do.

Before I gave up my academic career (or it gave me up as I knew there was no future there, in those days, if you wanted to look after DCs too), I set in motion plans to become financially self-sufficient. It took a few years to do that so lining up my 'ducks in a row' is something I can do.

I'd like to start by turning over part of my business to my DC. I mentioned this to DH a few months ago but he is strongly opposed - he thinks I would be spoiling DC and potentially ruining their character. Of course, I'll need DH's signature to do this as he has his name on too. Financially, I shall have to pay several thousand pounds in capital gains tax but that's a small price as I would have achieved another of my life's ambitions which is to set-up DC with fewer financial worries.

Others have said it, but I'll reiterate. Before you do anything with your business see a business solicitor. Take any papers regarding ownership of the business and duties within the business. I can't stress how important this is.

In the course of my work I saw spouses stripped of businesses they'd devoted their lives to because of the wording involving a non-participating spouse's ownership interest. I've also seen a 'non owning' spouse who had worked all their lives deprived of their rightful share of a business (or it's earnings credits) because taxes were filed with one member of a couple (usually the husband) as the 'sole earner'. You really, really need to understand to the nth degree exactly how you stand and what your options are before you make any moves.

Can't you set up another company with you as MD and DC as Co. Sec and start to channel your new contracts into it? It will help DC and diminish H hold over you. When you divorce H make sure you get top advice, re his lucrative pension and a larger share of the home etc. I don't suppose you can get H to sign over part of the ecisting comoany to DC and take his name off, so bypass him with a new venture.

He looks down on you - sorry.
He probably doesn't want you anymore, but would hate for anyone else to have you I bet.
Your life is short & precious grab it & get out.

I 100% agree with starting to put your work through a new company in your sole name.

Dont worry about the DC at this stage, that will take longer and you can add them later, just get a new one set up for your sole control and put all work through that.

And DONT TELL HIM, just do it.

Others have said it, but I'll reiterate. Before you do anything with your business see a business solicitor. Take any papers regarding ownership of the business and duties within the business. I can't stress how important this is.

Please listen. While your idea is laudable, you are going to need to look after yourself first. You can help your DC when you're out and established on your own.

I may be very cynical, but I wonder if he's strongly opposed to passing anything over to Dc because it would mean less for him (DH) if you were to divorce?
I guess you may be able to present a strong argument about doing it to plan efficiently for inheritance tax.
I too think you should see a business solicitor about your position, and whether it's feasible to create a new company. I wonder whether this would also be considered an asset from the marriage though in the event of divorce regardless of it being in your sole name. I think it would be hard to hide a new company in your sole from him in the long term. You may be able to set the new company up in your son's name though? Although then the money would then be legally his...

^ I agree with Nanny Ogg. Get yourself sorted out first then look after your D.C. I understand potentially giving part of the business to them may reduce the amount your husband owns. But you need proper, professional advice.

I don’t understand what’s turning part of your business over to your kids got to do with leaving him?

Take care of yourself, first. You can take care of your children later. They're young and strong and at the start of their lives. You're going to need to see your own nest feathered. Otherwise, you risk becoming a burden to your children someday.

OP you've had lots of great advice about how to untangle yourself from this heartless cretin.

So I'll just say this, when I was at uni my mum was diagnosed with advanced cancer and I thought she would die (thankful every day she didn't). I still got a first in my degree. Your dc will be fine at uni, they've got academic genes, and if you do divorce that's a mitigating circumstance they'll take into account. If my mum was as unhappy as you I'd be happier if she divorced and was happy.

By all means spend some time getting yourself together but don't put your life on hold for your adult children.

By the way, relative recently got divorced, her dh had run the business income down from a high amount (enough to put 2 kids through private school) to a fractional amount so didn't have to pay out so much to wife in divorce. Just saying.

You were never equals, you’ve always thought less of yourself, he just took advantage of that. You’ve Martyred yourself for an arrogant man in the hope of some big emotional pay off that isn’t coming. Sadly, you could be repeating this same pattern with your children by continuing to hide in an unsatisfactory marriage (supposedly for their benefit), whilst planning to hand over a significant portion of a business to young adults who have barely had time to discover who they are.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics and yours appears to be doormat in exchange for affection/ acknowledgement. Yes, your H sounds like an arrogant shit but you willingly contributed to the unequal dynamic where his needs were prioritised.

The question isn’t, ‘why doesn’t he respect me?’, it’s, ‘why don’t I respect myself’? He couldn’t make you feel less than, if you didn’t give him permission to. For some strange reason you’ve decided that affording someone the opportunity to disrespect you, would somehow encourage them to respect you and unsurprisingly, it hasn’t.

As Attila, would say “what are you getting out of this relationship right now”? What’s the pay off for you? There is always a pay off, probably a self defeating one but there is something in this dysfunctional marriage that kept and keeps you there. It isn’t your children, that’s a noble excuse that people use so they don’t have to admit to the real (more pragmatic/ less noble) reason.

You can not change him and right now the status quo is his preference, so why would he change or leave. If you want change then, you’re going to have to start behaving differently and being honest with yourself is where you should start.