... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP you sound lovely. You're clearly intelligent and kind, and you deserve so much better than this. I agree with Papafran, stop doing everything for him. How do you think he would react if you no longer cooked, cleaned, etc? You said you'd like him to choose to leave but he won't because it's too comfortable, so why not make it uncomfortable?

Also, as a child of divorced parents, I'm glad they're no longer together. I'd prefer they were divorced and happy rather than living an unhappy life together.

Oh and YY about the fact you are in your own.
You are doing everything in the house. Still keeping an eye on the dcs, even if they are at uni/adults.
But in the top if it, you are having to spend tremendous amount of energy dealing with his negativity.
Being alone will be freeing for you. Less work, less stress, more energy and the possibility to be your urself agian.

Him on the other side will have a very nasty shock.
No one to look after him and wash his pants or prepare dinner. Having to split equity equally - which will rattle him because he won't be able to parade around anymore-. No one to boost his ego by putting someone else down (you)
Which means he might well suddenly realise he has to do something and become all nice and kind (just like H is doing atm....).

Just throw the arse out ffs.

Your marriage is long dead, please stop dragging it's corpse around. Tell your children how you feel and get on with separating. It's time.

It is high time you started putting yourself first. Don’t depend on his opinion of you. He is not worthy of you.

It is so deliberately petty that he wouldn't help carry the heavy item, I think I would have called a family friend or neighbour ask & if they would be able to give you a hand, as H was refusing.
shine the light on his disgusting selfishness

Can I also say my parents split just after I left uni and was fine, in fact, it was better for everyone- my parents have both gone on to happier second (and third) relationships and I cannot imagine them being together now.

Please do think about moving faster. I know how hard it is - you don't want to be he one who ended it,be the bad guy, you're hoping he'll have an affair or whatever do you can get out with clean hands. But please imagine what your life will be like as you get older, if he gets ill or is made redundant. Imagine him always there, still arrogant but totally dependent, incredibly resentful, utterly ungrateful. Imagine trying to leave them, under the cloud of "don't kick a man when he's down" etc. Please, do it now. Clean break. You have the huge advantage of not being dependent on him financially, so many women are trapped in dreadful relationships because they can't afford to leave. You have everything going for you. Don't end up regretting your life xx

He is being so unpleasant I think he is angling for you to leave him. Then he can be mr ‘hard done to my wife is leaving me’ and you can be the cruel wife. He has possibly got someone lined up to move on to, hence the extra nastiness.
Try to get your finances sorted. He seems to have no conscience and will take all he can.

He's planning his own exit so I think you should take control and surprise him with your own.

^^This, with bells on.

AND GET HIS NAME OFF YOUR BUSINESS.!!

Go find that commercial lawyer now!

Just throw the arse out ffs - succinct perhaps but not very realistic or helpful surely.

I think it would be rather difficult to do that unless only she is on the deeds of the house?
Otherwise I'm pretty sure she'd have to get a court order to force him out.

OP - I hope you get yourself to a solicitor and get away from this man.

This is emotional abuse show him the door you make enough money to do without him spending it and he's not giving anything to your relationship just holding you down.
what does he give anyone? Has he attended things for the children been to sports days, been a good role model? At the moment they are seeing a woman's place as doing everything being used and not counting so will learn that its normal show them a strong independent woman and great roe model mum. Your Ds will survive Uni knowing you are happier presumably dad isn't the contributor financially so practically nothing will change but in holidays mum will be happy.

I would go so far as setting up a new business and putting all new work through that so the Ines he has a share in reduce in value and can be dissolved if need be when marriage ends.

Yes, consider doing this. Doesn't sound as though he'll even notice anyway.
See a commercial lawyer about protecting your assets.

Goodness me. You have procrasinated long enough to let this completely horrible man spoil your life! You now are putting it off until your adult child leaves Uni! He has ground you down so you are drinking and blaming yourself!
You do not CREATE other people's miserable vices, he and he alone is responsible. What he has done is pushed your boundaries so far you no longer regard your own life as important.
I think the loss of a mother would upset your child more than a divorce! Get him out of the house and get a good solicitor to sort things out for you.
Your husband is actively abusing you. You should contact Women's Aid who will advise and help you to make a plan.

Regarding your business. It is concerning his name is on all the paperwork. You need advice from a commercial lawyer as other posters have mentioned. The lawyer will be able for you to prove as much as the law will allow he is not a partner in the business and doesn’t work in it in any capacity. Hopefully then he won’t be able to take half of it from you.

He is a dick that has rode your coat tails for many years!!

But don't be hasty, get all your ducks in a row, seek some expert & financial advice, have a detailed plan so when that you do kick him to the kerb you have everything already set up.

Believe in yourself, he is the problem and not you
x

He doesn’t want any stress at home because he has enough at work? Then he needs to reprioritise where he spends his time and energy (clue: it’s not work).
But anyway, the above applies a decent human being in a loving relationship which, unfortunately, yours is not.
You didn’t make this monster, he is an adult completely capable of making his own choices.
As for the way he speaks to you, even if you were to agree with him 100%, would he be any nicer to you or just start being a shit about something else?
Make a plan (pronto) and turf the ungrateful waste of space out.

This is what emotional abusers do. They make the victim think that they are wrong and that they are unworthy. You need to get this man out of your life. Unless you talk to him about how he makes you feel and he makes changes, he needs to go. I hated reading about your role in the family life and his.. how he treats you and how he left your bedroom and how he saunters in late after work. You deserve so much better than this.

You've had such good advice here I've nothing to really add.
Just to re-iterate.
STOP doing anything for him.
He can cook. He can shop. He can use a washing machine. He can clean.
Time to stop worrying about this wankstain and make plans for a new wonderful life free of him!!!
Good luck

Nothing to add to all of the above..... but rooting for you OP!!!!

You haven't got 2 years. He is following the script. Pretty soon he will move in with OW leaving you high and dry. He will be setting it up now. Do you have access to all the finances?

OP, please leave now - not sure how old you are, but I will regret for my whole life not making my XH leave after an affair when we were both coming up to 40. Our children were young then - 10 and 8 - and that is why I was persuaded.

He upped and left anyway when they were 16 and 18 and was remarried a month after our decree absolute. I totally regret those 8 years and the fact that not sticking to what I wanted at heart allowed him to leave when it suited HIM. Grr - still makes me mad 14 years later.

He will go anyway when it suits him OP so take the wind out of his pompous sails and pre-empt him. Also go and knock down a load of ironing boards in the middle of the night for shits and giggles (pathetic coward that he is)

Bluntness, I totally agree with you.

OP, make yourself the centre of your life. Build up yourself, your support network & friendship groups, your business (can you remove him from having an interest - go see a lawyer), your skills (you have loads of those already!), your interests. I speak to a lot of people about moving on from separation or divorce, and it is so possible to build an amazing life. I have done it!

Think about what you want your life to look and feel like in 6 months' time? Who do you see in your life in that future?

Do you go and visit your DCs at uni? Could you go and see them by yourself? What's your relationship like with them? You talk about staying for them, but they are away much of the time. You might be surprised by what they're already aware of, and their response if you start to talk about some of this to them.

OP, I agree with p.o. who have said use the next two years to organise finances etc, but what if, like many graduates, your dc wants to move back home? It would be difficult for them to move into an unhappy home whilst there is already so much change in their life (leaving uni, change in friendships etc).
Plus, two years is a long time - think of your own happiness and well-being.
If you are leaving, leave sooner - you'll be happier, dc has support network of uni friends, things will be more settled by the time they graduate.

Like everyone else I would stop doing everything for him,or do as much for him as he does for you.
Instead of drinking wine(keep it for weekends) get some boxes and start to sort through belongings,you collect a lot stuff in 20 years.
Do not talk about sharing your assets,what ever you feel or he initially has said or said in the past he will not play fair wh en the time comes.
Also do see someone about finances and untangle him from your business.
All the best with this and dont worry about your kids ,they know..
If you need him to be the one to end it doing the above may just push him.I thought that and did stay but in the end had to go as it was affecting my and my dds mental health.I don't think you'd have any problems for unreasonable behavior here.