... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

He sounds like a total knob and you would be far better off without him. You have done really well to run your own business and bring up a family and I'm sure most of your DH's female colleagues would agree so please don't let him make you feel inferior to them.
I suppose it depends on what field he works in but I certainly haven't noticed that academia is "female heavy" these days- far from it especially in senior positions.

I think you deserve better , and why wait ? Your DC will have seen what a shit he is . 21 years olds won't be as disrupted as 7 year olds

OP, I am a bit late to the thread. You seem to have a plan in your mind of what is best. But, two years is an awfully long time to live unhappily. You don't have to accept your life as 'its your lot, deal with it'. From experience, I will say that thinking of the children is not always the best option. I stayed with my dh for many more years than I should have for the sake of the children. The day he moved out, both my children also stopped walking on eggshells, became more relaxed in their own home, and actually both starting achieving much better results at school/sports. Living in negativity affects them more I think.

And. You are far too good for him. He is using and abusing you.

Don't waste two more years of this existence. In my experience, if you wait, your DC will feel like they've been living a lie. You can separate your life from him without too much drama for the DC. I'm sure they've very aware and would want you to be happy. I wouldn't waste another day if I were you. Good luck

Oh, Shirley!
What can I say.
Shirley valentine you aren't.
You had the awareness to wake up and smell the coffee.
How awful to feel like the shit on someone's shoe.
Someone who should be loving and cherishing you with all his heart and soul.

It seems like you've poked Your head out of your turtle shell, decided it looks a bit scary out there and pulled your head back in.

Of course it's scary. It's life . But the worms ar out of the can now and they won't be going back in.

Can you really ignore your feelings for two years?

I was the shit on someone's shoe after a 30 year marriage. That man hated me with a passion that he just about managed to cover with a veneer of respectability...oh but it slipped. Every time he thought life owed him more.
Fast forward to 9 years later.

The last two years I have been married to my lovely husband.
Let's see what we've done on these last two years that you are prepared to sit waiting in your turtle shell.

Well we've been abroad 8 times to three different countries. We've had numerous , okay 6 holidays in the uk, including Scotland twice and Wales three times.
Loads of meals out
Theatre trips
Cinema
Numerous days spent at our caravan in the country.
Lovely times spent with friends and my family.

While I can't remember every one it's all been done against a background of love, laughter, sharing , caring and mutual respect .

It's such a lovely feeling to feel loved and valued every day.

What puzzles me is why such an intelligent woman as yourself ( probably far more intelligent than I am )
Shouldn't want this for herself and isn't starting right this minute to prep her life to get it.
I was possibly as old as you ( 52 /53 when the shit the fan) and 56 when I met my second husband.
But once I knew which way the wind was blowing, I went out and had a blast.
I don't know you but I want that for you.
No one should have to live a half life.

You're in a rut.

Its cozy and familiar because you know what to expect from tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.... I get it. Its why people stay in jobs they hate, because its familiar and easy.

Im surprised that someone who has been driven enough in the past to set up and run her own successful business has lost that drive and passion to sort out her own life, but I suspect you havent really and thats what the wine is drowning out - the voice that says "this isnt enough".

The two years sounds like a convenient "putting it off until" fake deadline, I suspect there will be other reasons why it cant happen yet once you reach that.

Its totally up to you what you decide to do or not do, and how you live your life, but the important thing is to be honest with yourself about your reasons for doing what youre doing, and to see things as they are.

Hi OP

I just had to come on and say that I know how you feel. HOWEVER I felt the same way but decided that I was no longer going to be the little wifey indoors whilst being neglected and regarded as a household applicance - which is how he sees you, you know that, don't you? My motivating quote is 'if you are unhappy, then move - you are not a tree'. So, I did it. Just recently. I'm having good days and bad days as I am now living on my own, my daughter left uni and has a job. I am coming to terms with everything and I am in my fifties too - but what is happening is that I am having little flashes of pure happiness. My life before had all the knowledge that I was being treated badly and the noise in my head all the time that I shouldn't really be putting up with this - where was my self respect?? Now that I have jumped off the edge (and it was scary) - I know that I don't feel unhappier than I did and that in fact, I can see that thing will only improve. Last night, I went to keep fit (just started, together with a bit of a diet) - had soup for tea and watched tv. I did not have to drink wine to try and block out how unhappy I am. Please, please listen to the advice you've been given. He doesn't love you - keep repeating that over and over until you realise that by admitting that and showing you by his actions, he will have no compunction in treating you appallingly if he decides to split. I'm sorry to be harsh, but if you choose to stay - you give him all the power over your life and who will you be able to talk to when the kids have jobs and left home and you are on your own, considerably worse off than you are now?

I don't mean to be harsh, OP, but you complain that he treat you like shit, then whine that it's 'ok, it's not so bad, I'm used to it...'
You complain that he ignores what you say, and thinks other people's views are more interesting - I think that you sit in a corner, venture to murmer something, and he ignores you. He has NO RESPECT for you, because you have NO RESPECT for your self. You have not demanded respect, and so he doesn't.
You do his washing, cooking, cleaning, because 'it is no more bother' - that is not the point! The point is that - why should he respect you for doing it? You do everything anyway. He doesn't need to even notice you - you are always there, doing his crap. He doesn't need to even thank you. You would do it anyway, so why should he bother? You are like a Roomba/washing machine/dishwasher - no-one thanks it, but if it stops working, they notice!

MAKE HIM RESPECT YOU! Stop doing his crap. You are better than that.

You think he listens more to the younger, sparkier women in academia? You think THEY would wash his skiddy smalls without DEMANDING respect, EQUALITY and thanks? He respects them, because they demand it. So should you. Don't sit in a corner, with a permanent ingratiating smile, waiting for him to notice you. Get that spark . Get ANGRY!

Stop doing the wifework.

Stop allowing him to demand part of your business.

Start thinking about yourself, not him. He is the shit on your shoe, until he starts treating you as an EQUAL. You do not deserve it, and he is NOT to treat you like that!

This is not a generational problem op, my dm is a good decade older than you with a truly commendable sense of duty but she would never allow herself to be treated in this manner, and fortunately she has raised her daughters in the same way. You say you are staying for your dc, but modelling this type of relationship will only damage them. They are older now, they will cope and you deserve to be happy.

If you really can’t bring yourself to leave, please stop waiting for him and start to make a life for yourself. You haven’t lost your intelligence because you stopped working outside the home. You are still the same person you were then, you’ve just had your confidence damaged by him. You don’t need to settle for this, there is more out there for you. Please stop drinking every evening and get out there and find it.

Good luck.

I can't help but notice that you are a bit obsessed by your DH's "female colleagues" OP. I find that a bit odd.

I can't help but notice that you are a bit obsessed by your DH's "female colleagues" OP. I find that a bit odd.

Given how he treats her and speaks to her, I don't find it odd at all. But nice bit of victim blaming there. The 'paranoia' tactic isn't usually used in these circumstances, as that's where it's generally considered a bit clumsy and obvious.

Poor play, I'd say.

Duty? Pah. It's not duty that keeps you in this shell of a marriage, OP. It's fear.

You do not have a 'duty' to be his emotional punchbag. Nor his servant. You are supposed to be his equal, but you cringe and whine about duty, and 'no bother' and you are martyring yourself.

If that's how you want to live, well, it's your life. I ho[e you are not here again in 2/4/10 years time, having spent even more of your valuable time, your only life, on this abusive, disrespectful, dismissive 'man'.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you think you deserve to be punished for something?

Don't put things off, you'll only regret it later.

Is your dh very much older than you OP? Do you perhaps feel that you owe him "duty of care" after so many years.

Only you know the details of your situation but I think you will be better off apart. Best wishes whatever you decide

OP it's a marathon not a sprint ! You might live together but start to build yourself a better life and line your ducks up

There is much to be said of value here and I agree that a focus on

Tidying the finances and focussing in your income stream
Researching divorce law
Getting yourself fit and healthy again
Spend the evening doing what you want , watch what you want and leave him to it , see friends

I know it passive aggressive but start to treat him like a lodger /co habitee and don't give him any opportunities to rebuff you or hurt you x

Also if that cunt won't help you do heavy lifting for you work ....

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

This is from your first post. This is one of the few threads I've seen where all the responders agree.

You aren't ready to leave yet, I get that. It's a big decision. I'm going to make 3 suggestions:

1. Make an appointment with a counselor. You sound depressed. Talking to a counselor can be a great way to feel truly heard, and to get unstuck. I think this is really important. I think that you may have clinical depression.

1. Join a gym and start exercising. This is great for mental health as well as for physical health. As I said earlier in the thread, I'm in my 50s and started working out last spring and it has really been wonderful for me. Some fun exercise classes would be good, or a personal trainer who is a mature woman. It's very motivating. If you replaced the sitting home drinking wine alone while watching TV part of your life with exercise with other people, you would feel like a new woman. Really.

1. See a lawyer about your business and how to cut your H out of it. Even though you don't want to leave right now, he could decide to leave at ANY minute, and I really feel you need to cover your ass. The fact that you don't trust him to do right by the children means that you absolutely don't trust him with money. Separating out your business doesn't have to be because you are leaving, it can just be like insurance that if he leaves you, you and the kids aren't screwed.

I think that it would be a mistake to assume that just because you are willing to continue the status quo for now, he will continue it indefinitely. Cover your ass.

Yeah ! He might decide to up and leave you . Stranger things have happened and I reallly hope this thread starts you on a good path

1. Therapy. Find out why you insist on thinking you are shit on someone else's shoe. Fix it.
2. Lawyer. Plan to make yourself as financially independent and secure as possible.
3. Divorce. Get rid of he who is sucking all your energy, self-esteem, money, effort and frankly love out of your life.
4. Wonder why you didn't do it years ago...

In that order.

I haven't read the whole thread op but you sounds clever and amazing. He sounds odd and rude. I would think about leaving this relationship. Seriously. You sound very unhappy and rightly so. He has no respect (or love) for you and a marriage has got to have that. It's the foundation. When life gets bad it's what you need to get your though and op, it's lacking. It's gone. Please don't waste your precious life and that of your children with this man any longer. I am so sorry op, hard road for a little while but you will look back and be ever so thankful you changed your life x

Even the title of this post is so sad to read :(

I hope you will be ok op

It's reassuring to hear some of your survival stories. Lots of food for thought. I am taking it all in even if not responding specifically and immediately.

Some good and some bad updates.

He got back just before midnight from his evening out with the two female colleagues. One colleague he was treating to a meal to say 'thank you' because she supported him on some work-related thing and the other must have gone as a 'chaperone' - that's all I can assume. They went to a very smart cocktail bar that serves food - I saw the credit card payment today.

This evening he proceeded to tell me she (main one) was very devoted to educational matters and that we should have her round some evening. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about this. We had another one (female academic) round a while back and it didn't do me any good to slave over preparing a meal for them both to return to from their ivory towers.

Anyway, then, surprise surprise, tonight he said he'd looked up some evening dance classes. I had been suggesting doing something like this for a few years and nothing has come of it and I had even stopped mentioning it, probably several months ago. So out of the blue, he is now suggesting we go to dance classes! He's even going to move his hobby-evening class to a different evening.

I can only think the female colleagues must have quizzed him on his family life. I know one of them vaguely from when I worked at the Uni and she could have asked what has become of me.

A ray of hope?

Tell him no about dinner. You don’t want to do it, so don’t.

Didn’t he actual look up and book classes? Or just talk about it?

Still separate your business. It could just be a rouse. Cover your ass.

I would still sort out your business. I think he probably wants to learn to dance to impress the ladies in your life but he can't go without you!

OP, does he take you out to dinner to thank you?

YABU. You are not dirt under his shoes, he is a stain on your life.

I'm usually quite forgiving, an absolute apologist for poor behaviour as there's always a reason isn't there?

I think you'd probably feel extremely liberated if you got rid. What would you be missing exactly?

I hope I'm being harsh & things improve, but there's a 20 year habit to break.

I wish you well, you sound absolutely worthy of respect (and gratitude, and engagement).