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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 12/10/2017 20:00

Sometimes I really am flabbergasted with what I read on mumsnet.
Why don't you assert yourself and say to these cheeky piss takers that you will no longer be helping with any child care, play dates etc. Don't get drawn into a dialogue with them, it's no no no.
And for any scenario where people ask you to spend money you cannot afford doing them favours then " I need the money upfront " should be your mantra.
Any tell her ring my mum all you want but I'll be filling her in on your freeloading ways myself.

Chartreuse45 · 12/10/2017 20:01

That is so sad! Well now you know exactly who she is, no need to worry about saving that friendship. Will your mum tell her where to get off? I hope so. Stay strong (and getting help from mn and in real life!) I hope you have somebody in your life who can offer you a shoulder of comfort.

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 20:01

Her husband has just texted me saying : x is really worried about you.

You could ease her worrying if you gave me £100 for childcare I responded back.

His reply:

Huh, you okay love, what you on about.

OP posts:
peachypips · 12/10/2017 20:02

I can't quite believe someone could be so manipulative. To use 'your tablets' as a tool of manipulation is so immoral it's shocking.

It's not always easy for people to stand up for themselves. My mum spent years being beaten down by her dad and has never recovered. She is just not capable of standing up for herself and I think it's a bit simplistic to say 'stop being a mug' etc. If OP could stop easily then she would have done by now!

Well done OP for practicing self-care and for valuing yourself by telling her she has been unacceptable.Flowers

Branleuse · 12/10/2017 20:03

what do you think is going to happen if youre assertive to people. Its not rude, its just not agreeing to do stuff that you really dont want to do. Its a really important skill and people will respect you for it

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/10/2017 20:04

Jesus. Your friend has shown her true colours. What a bitch.

Well done for replying to the husband. Maybe he doesn't know you weren't paid. Try spelling it out for him. I mean I think he was in on it but you never know. You might have some luck with him

AhNowTed · 12/10/2017 20:04

"You're always at home with the kids" so I can just use you as unpaid childcare.

OP seriously next time "sorry I'm busy and have plans"

Cheeky fuckers! They are unbelievable!!

Viserion · 12/10/2017 20:04

Just wow! The gall of her. We paid a friend £20 a day just to bring kids home from school and watch them for an hour when I was away with work.

A week long nanny (which is what you were), would probably cost at least £400, probably more as a temporary solution. Even £100 is a bargain. There is no way you should be out of pocket. The very least she should do is reimburse you all the costs you incurred. And I mean that is the very least. Plus a gift for you or £100 on top to get yourself something.

CardsforKittens · 12/10/2017 20:04

They are totally gaslighting you. Utterly appalling.
But you're doing great! I liked your response to the husband. Good for you!

LJLsmum · 12/10/2017 20:05

What cheeky sod! Who thinks £20 for a weeks childcare is a treat!? I'm so mad on your behalf. She's had a lovely week away without the kids yet knowing they're being cared for by a friend but she's not remotely interested in repaying you. Does she think they ate fresh air or something?

category12 · 12/10/2017 20:05

"I'm out of pocket due to looking after your dc for a week, having been told by your wife she would give me money for their food and trips out. She actually gave me £20. That is nothing like what it cost me to look after 3 dc for a week."

DJBaggySmalls · 12/10/2017 20:05

She may have lied to everyone about how much she paid you.

Do you have receipts for what you spent? You can take her to the small claims court - you can do it online.
Take screen shots of them in Paris now, before they block you and keep all the texts.

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/taking-legal-action/small-claims/small-claims/

Florene · 12/10/2017 20:05

Your 'friend' is an appalling human being.

Keep going OP - don't make it easy for her to get away with her behaviour.

echt · 12/10/2017 20:06

Next time she wants childcare, and she will try again because she's had a sweet deal so far, tell her no, you're off your meds. With a head tilt and tinkly laugh.

Snausage · 12/10/2017 20:06

Your friend has just tried to gaslight you.

All because you've asked her to pay you for the food you fed her children and the excursions you took them on, at her request.

With friends like that...

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/10/2017 20:06

OP: I want to slap your 'friend' so hard. She's gaslighting you and you deserve better.

I agree about the itemised billing and be factual. They can't argue with facts (but they will)

KatharinaRosalie · 12/10/2017 20:07

yeah doesn't sound like you, she's surprised you're not letting her take the piss as always. She's no friend based on what you've written. If she can afford a weekend of shopping and dining in paris, she can afford to pay you

AhNowTed · 12/10/2017 20:07

The Cheeky Fuckery amazes me every time. Unreal

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/10/2017 20:08

Also, if you want to see how little that £20 is.... I pay £20 A DAY for our dog to go in kennels and that's just board (food is extra)

KingIrving · 12/10/2017 20:08

Answer back
" my therapist told me to stand up for myself. I am asking for the money because I am worth it and I have earned it. I have to face and tackle whatever undermines me and feeling used by friends is one of them. You must reimburse me for the money (food, activities, ...) spent on your children and for my time and dedication to them. If things are tight after your spending trip in Paris, I can accept a weekly reimbursement of XYZ. Thank you

Florene · 12/10/2017 20:08

As for friends helping each other out - the 'helping out' was you looking after her 3 children for a week for free. The 'taking the piss' was when it cost you money to do so.

Deemail · 12/10/2017 20:09

Ask her why she is going back on what she promised?

R2G · 12/10/2017 20:09

Clueless - you're worth so much more than this friend. Please stand up to her. You will make other nicer friends. Just text back - what are you talking about? I looked after your children for a week taking them on days out you suggested, and you led me to believe you would reimburse me. £20 doesn't cover what I spent so you've left me out of pocket. I don't think that's how friends should treat each other. Call my mum if you wish to, I'm sure she would understand my point of view, and why I'm cross and upset with you (nothing to do with depression). Clueless

Nanasueathome · 12/10/2017 20:10

I really cannot believe this....how entitled is your so called friend
Am glad the husband is also now involve as you will see their true colours
I’m sure your Mum will be equally unimpressed with their appalling treatment of you

Viserion · 12/10/2017 20:10

I'm worried for you means she is not used to you standing up for yourself. Keep going. Point out to the husband exactly what was agreed and what it has cost you. Use category 's words above.