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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/10/2017 22:11

pay up or my nan will be round and she's really cross sleeping in your bed til you pay up

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 22:12

I know she was being cheeky and I have stood up to her a bit, but I do remember crying on her shoulders when I was heart broken, I just think she's handled this badly. I was just expecting more money than that. If she had said she was hard up for money then I wouldn't have done the cinema or aquarium. I know tomorrow I'll feel a way because we have been friends for a long time.

I also need to look at myself too. It's nice how ppl drop things to come to me but are they still genuinely worried, maybe they still are. I need to speak up and send ex home and I need to get a taxi for my nan I think.

Thank you all for your help and I will keep updating you when I have news.

If you think I'm a troll then report and leave mumsnet to it.

Thanks guys! I know I'll feel so bad tomorrow, but I think the end of friendships hurt just as much as relationships.

If I get paid it'll be good but I'm going to start practising saying no.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 12/10/2017 22:12

I’d text the husband back that you won’t be accepting a cheque, that you require cash.

As for the friend, get your money out of her and then tell her to fuck off. She’s no friend she’s a nasty manipulative gaslighting using bastard.

coconutpie · 12/10/2017 22:16

Your “friend” is a gaslighting fucking bitch. Well done Clueless for standing up to her. After this, I would tell her to fuck off. The friendship is well and truly dead at this stage.

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 22:18

Sorry someone asked how she got my bank details. She asked for it a few days before she dropped the kids to me. She said she would have put money in prior, she didn't and then on the day of drop off but she said she ran into some trouble using it as she had just changed her phone number. She then asked if she could pay me by my phone number and I said I didn't know how that worked, but she then said because I was using giffgaff she couldn't. She asked if she could pay me then when she got back and I agreeded to that.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 12/10/2017 22:19

Your nan and ex are only their because what your so called friends told them.

I wouldn't be surprised that your c.f. was there for you so she would have a hold over you.You would "owe" her a favour.

Greyponcho · 12/10/2017 22:21

So, she can afford to have a blow our holiday in Paris but not pay her car bills etc, and not reimburse you for the money she promised?
She needs to get her priorities sorted and stop taking the piss.
Just because they ‘think’ you’re bipolar doesn’t mean you are (unless she’s a qualified doctor..?).
She’s using you anxiety and uncertainty against you as a manipulation tool - true friends never do that.
Take the money and ditch the bitch

everydayanewday · 12/10/2017 22:23

Does she actually pay childcare at all? Admittedly my children are younger than hers but my childcare for three kids works out at £16.50 per hour for each of the hours that they require paid childcare (i.e. Outside school hours). Work out what that would be for a week.

If shes got 3 kids then she knows how expensive it is to take them out. £20 is nonsense.

I always offer my PIL money when they have my eldest (they only feel able to take the eldest), but I know that if they said yes, by the time they've taken him somewhere, paid parking, paid for a ticket, bought him something to eat and then gone off and done something else, i probably could easily owe them £20 for a day for one child. And that's without overnights and without the other two!

If £100 would leave her short then she needs to consider where she does spend her money.

I hope you are okay.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 12/10/2017 22:26

Just place marking.

Shadow666 · 12/10/2017 22:27

Absolutely don’t feel bad for sticking up for yourself. Self-care is very important. You need to look after yourself. She lied to you. She told you she would sort out the money and she didn’t. That isn’t a good friend. Be strong!

Shadow666 · 12/10/2017 22:28

And yes, tell your Ex and Nan to go home.

TheQueenOfWands · 12/10/2017 22:28

I had a gaslighty friend like this once.

He was an alcoholic (but it took me years to realise) and when Ihadto cut him off for the sake of my own sanity he turned it all around on me and said told other people I had a lot of 'issues' and turned against him.

I'm not sure whether people like this believe their own tales or if they know they're being cunts.

At least with the OP the mate can't actually repeat the story honestly without looking like a dick. There's no way she can sugar coat this shit.

Also sounds like the husband is on your side. Is he sensible? Can you have a proper chat tomorrow when he drops your cheque round?

Katedotness1963 · 12/10/2017 22:31

She should have given you money, and brought over groceries, before she left for her holiday! And she most certainly should pay for the outings she asked you to take the children to. That's a very shabby way to treat a friend. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

notgivingin789 · 12/10/2017 22:31

Is it just me or am I finding it a bit sad that some Mumsnetters on here are goading the OP to send such and such texts for their own entertainment ?
This wouldn't be the first.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't of even asked for the money the owe you (morally) after looking after their kids...because I already agreed to look after them and allowed the parents to give me a certain amount of money.

I would just refuse to look after their kids, refuse to have their kids in your house, refuse to engage with your neighbour and your "friend" and move on. Sometimes actions are better than words.

They are shit "friends"...users and manipulators. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

MammaTJ · 12/10/2017 22:34

Well done!

dustarr73 · 12/10/2017 22:39

Honestly OP, I wouldn't of even asked for the money the owe you (morally) after looking after their kids...because I already agreed to look after them and allowed the parents to give me a certain amount of money

The gave her £20 for a week for 3 kids.Of course they have to pay her, she's out of pocket.She street to look after them after her friend said she would pay her.Shes right to chase after them.

notgivingin789 · 12/10/2017 22:47

I know Dust it's very bad. How can you give someone £20.00 for looking after their kids for a week ! I just didn't want OP to go through all this palaver...texting back here and forth, causing more stress. It's best to just disengage, refuse to accommodate the kids in the future, don't talk to the parents and move on.

4dogs · 12/10/2017 22:52

Your nan sounds fabulous! Your friend is not a friend. She is just someone you have known for a long time who has been nice to you a few times and has used and manipulated you.
I have bipolar and nothing makes me more 😡 than idiots who think i'm having an episode or am off my meds because I have an opinion they don't like.
Your friend made you promises about money that she clearly did not intend to keep. She messed you around with excuses so as not to pay you before she left. She then gave you a derisory amount and a patronising 'treat yourself' comment. She had a lovely child free holiday and clearly didn't stint on spending whilst there. And when you call her out on this she gets your family involved and acts concerned?! And now, when you still assert yourself, she becomes the victim (your financial demands will ruin their Christmas)!
Never ever speak to this woman again. She is poison.

timeisnotaline · 12/10/2017 22:58

If cheeky exfriend is going to be so completely full of shit I'd play it right back - 'you do realise they are YOUR children? Have you never actually taken them anywhere like the cinema to know how much it costs? I spent the money is saved for Christmas for my kids on looking after your children for a week because you said to take them out and you'd pay me. Now my Christmas fund is gone - I am going to tell everyone what you are really like.' I think you really should say you'll tell people, that is provably what she is terrified of. Her poor dh probably realised how she looks behaving like this after a trip to Paris.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/10/2017 23:03

It seems like her DH has realised she's being outrageous. I'd do what random suggested.

I would text your friends Husband back tbh and tell him that she said she would cover food costs for her 3 plus the money to do activities x an y. You have sort £on admissions charges for the 3 DC and the extra food had cost you £ so £ altogether. Therefore you are very hurt and upset that she only given you £20. So your savings for your kids Christmas gifts has been spent on his DC whilst they had a lovely week holiday. How would he feel if it was the other way around?

I would now ignore all of her messages and simply send the DH the message above followed by one saying thanks for promising the cheque but why don't you just send it to my bank as that's easier for everyone, here are my details.

I think he will be much easier to guilt into paying you, even maybe behind his wife's back. If they had a weeks shopping trip in Paris then obviously £100 won't ruin them.

Ploppie4 · 12/10/2017 23:18

Horrendous woman!’£20 is peanuts

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/10/2017 23:34

Your nan and ex sound supportive

Hope you get a cheq from Friends hubby

Not that there will be a nect time with her or anyone else lol / but if it happens again ask for kitty upfront to pay for stuff

And once you have the money get rid of lady

She isnt a friend and querying your mental health over her stinginess is totally wrong

Clueless1315 · 13/10/2017 06:36

Morning! I sent my ex home yesterday but my nan wouldn't hear of going home. She's in the kitchen making porridge for the kids.

Feels like I've come crashing back to reality. Without the help of you guys I probably wouldn't have sent any texts. The adrenaline and texting succession made everything
10x faster and exciting. Each text was drama filled. And the buzz of being able to run back to you guys after each text was exciting.

I'm still feeling a mixture of sadness and happiness. I think it's because all the textings has stopped and I'm sat here rereading her texts and wondering how it escalated so quickly. From friendship into nothing. The speed of yesterday is unbelievable and I'm still reeling. But I have to accept I was badly used and the ones losing out are my children.

She's blocked me on Facebook I must admit that hurts. Her husband hasn't though. It's all turned so nasty.

My mum called on her break last night and I told her to calm her little self and there was no reason to deploy nan to my house.

I think as the friendship is obviously done I'll send one more text to her husband and it's in his court.

Nans calling me for my porridge, I'll be careful dingleberry of when I say I'm finished as I know you time my eating and drinking speeds.

Thank you all again, you gave me a backbone, even if it was just for one night.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 13/10/2017 06:58

Sadly she was no friend op. None of this is your fault, her behaviour is disgusting. Using your MH as a reason not to pay.

Make sure you do text the husband and I hope he does pay you. Stay cool and calm and if anyone else asks what happened tell them!

sakura06 · 13/10/2017 06:58

Flowers OP. You were brilliant sticking up for yourself. I can’t imagine how much it’d cost for a nanny to look after 3 children for a week overnight. You’re so much better off without this ‘friend’.