Everyone using me for childcare

[Clueless1315]

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

Clueless: people show their true colours when exposed and I'm sorry that she wasn't the friend you thought she was. It says a lot that you have such a caring inner circle!

I'd definitely text the husband and say: you want cash or a direct transfer to your account. Cheques can bounce or be cancelled

I am sorry you are hurt but she wasn’t a friend OP she was a user.

Think of how she’d be able to explain to other people why she fell out with you. There’s no way she can spin what she did in a positive light.

I'm sorry you're hurt op. Of course you are upset. But I'm so glad you stood up to her. She's an utter cf for making you think it was your problem. My blood boiled for you.

I think the husband is a good idea for one last shot. Leave him in no doubt about the cf he's married.

Then wash your hands and hold your head up high. Love your nan. have an awesome weekend

tell the husband that she said she would pay BEFORE swanning off to Paris, that being their private banker is not possible, CF specifically asked for aquarium & cinema, she knows it costs X to get in, She could even have even have offered to pay for yours, as you were doing them a massive favour. You want the money today. you have bills & rent to pay.

Well done OP for standing up for yourself BUT.... is this what MN should really be like?

Feels like I've come crashing back to reality. Without the help of you guys I probably wouldn't have sent any texts. The adrenaline and texting succession made everything
10x faster and exciting. Each text was drama filled. And the buzz of being able to run back to you guys after each text was exciting

Sometimes I do worry about giving advice on here because one wrong text taken on advice from a post can destroy a friendship.

OP, yes your friend has taken advantage but I hope that sinking feeling you have today isn't too horrible.

What would you like? If she paid you £100 and apologised and you could start again, would that be your ideal scenario?

To me... this has been the equivalent of LTB. Sometimes situations can be sorted without losing a friendship. Not saying you've done the wrong thing OP but you're obviously not feeling too good about all of this.

Good for you OP, honestly you're so much better without her in your life. Every time you think about her or making up with her; think about how YOUR children will go short at Christmas as a direct result of her selfishness. She has literally taken toys and food from them. Just because she hasn't physically come in your house on Christmas Day and taken it all away doesn't mean that's not the case. Really visualise that, and screenshot her texts so you always remember how nasty and manipulative she was. Because if you go back to this friendship, she will be even worse (if that's even possible).

She's blocked you on Facebook because she's written a horrible status most probably. That's what people like this do. I would block her number and Whatsapp contact if you haven't already. Block her husband too. You may have to write off the £100; a harsh lesson but one you won't need repeating I'm sure. Show your Mum this thread; sometimes it's hard to get things out in the right order when you're emotional and speaking to your close family (especially if they've got a skewed perception of things).

I'm really sorry you've had this happen to you. You seem like a lovely person, you really do. I used to bend over backwards to help anyone too, but I've been burnt that way I few times and honestly, I just don't anymore unless it's an urgent/emergency situation and my mental health is a lot better for it. You'll end up being someone's personal errand girl before you know it with endless requests... 'oh can you just do x for me quickly....?' 'Oh can you grab x for me, you're going that way anyway aren't you?' You have your own family (and I think I read up thread you're going back to work soon?) you'll need all your energy both mental and physical for that.

Sweetie (((((((((Long Hold You Hug))))))))))))

Hold your head up High. You did nothing wrong and she wasn't a true friend

I hope you're feeling ok today Clueless. When anybody has a falling out you can feel a bit deflated and empty afterwards so I don't think that's unusal. Although I think the advice on MN can sometimes be provocative & dramatic I really think your dilemma was a situation where it was perfectly appropriate to text the messages that you did. If the "friends" DH does come round today with a cheque ( which I feel dubious about - why can't they transfer the money) then would you feel OK having a cup of tea with him and talking calmly? He may have been fed a line by his wife too. That way you can calmly say that you did not want to fall out but you couldn't in all conscience let the matter go when £100 is your Christmas fund. I would also point out that pleading poverty after a weeks holiday to Paris is beyond ridiculous. Of course he may not be the type of person to do that with but at least he would see you being calm and rational. I think it would be very hard to walk away from someone after that and rationalise to yourself that they only deserve £20 in these circumstances. Good luck anyway... try and have a nice calm day.

Oh dear too many " calms" going on

How much do you help this cf friend out on a regular basis? If you have had her kids for a whole week-I wonder what else you do to help her out?

I wonder how much she will miss all that now? Does she have plenty of other friends who will happily empty their own pockets for her kids??

I have some lovely friends-we help each other out with all sorts-- lifts, feeding pets, lending each other dvds or sleeping bags, babysitting for an evening (just the one, maybe overnight!), childcare during a hospital appointment etc etc. BUT, I can never imagine a situation where one of us would take the piss to this extent!

What do you think she will do next time she needs to completely take the piss to her own gain a 'friend'?

I'm sorry you've lost someone you considered a friend. I'm sorry you are worse off financially for helping a friend.
I feel conflicted. I enjoy these threads as a bit of entertainment on the bus (awful but true) but this is your life. I feel pretty awful actually reading that you found it all exciting etc, how out of character etc. The thing is we will all go on to read other cf threads, you will then pick up the pieces of these fragmented friendships.
Sorry.

I agree that the texts you sent were appropriate. You probably felt excited yesterday because your feelings were validated for the first time in FAR too long, and you were finally calling this nasty woman out from a safe distance! Those feelings were normal, not worrying! Besides, it sounds like you couldn't have just ghosted her or kept her at arms length and drifted away because she was calling and texting you endlessly yesterday before you called her out! Far better to call her out on her shitty behaviour on your own terms, in your own home rather than be caught unawares and off guard.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I've been through similar. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk OP

She was no friend at all, regardless of whether she genuinely thought £20 was ok (it's totally not really) it's the way she's treated you and belittled you-look at yesterday as the start of a new era, you stood up to her, got rid of a waste of space friend, dealt with the cf neighbour and keep going in the same vein -you dealt with it. Sadly doesn't help with the money but you got rid of a load of dead weight hanging around!

Sounds like you did the right thing. Did the husband know how little she'd given you? To me it sounds like he didn't, but I may be wrong.

How cruel for her to bring your MH into it. That was, for me, the worst of it.

Glad your nan's still there, she sounds a right one! Hope you're enjoying your porridge.

OP - I didn't read your thread for entertainment. Have had similar. It does hurt and it affected me for several years. Try not to let it affect you that way - they won't be. Looking back, I'm still glad I'm away and my life is calmer and nicer for it.

Unless you register to be a CM, don't look after other people's children for money especially as you are on benefits as you could find yourself with more hassle than just being out of pocket a few quid.

Wow what a cheeky friend - how can anyone think 20 pounds is ok to look after three kids for a week even basic food would cost more let alone entry to cinema and aquarium !

Well done, OP.

I'm sorry she was such a shit about it.

But that's her issue, not yours.

She has 3 kids. She KNOWS how much it costs to feed 3 kids for a week, let alone take them on days out.

Unless you had specifically discussed doing her childcare for free as a gift to enable her to go on holiday, then she is outrageously in the wrong.

I really hope her DH gives you a cheque.

Don't worry about what others think. You're OK, you've got this.

You'll find better friends. Just because she comforted you at a specific period doesn't mean you are beholden to her forever.

Comforting friend/person in need = human kindness. It's not a favour that equals a week's free childcare.

I'm glad it seems resolved op - feeling a bit overwhelmed afterwards is normal! None of us particularly like conflict, but in this instance it sounds like it was the right thing to do or she'd have just continued to trample all over you.

I hope you're enjoying your porridge

JUST SAY NO!!!!

She has 3 kids. She KNOWS how much it costs to feed 3 kids for a week, let alone take them on days out.

That sums it all up exactly for me. That is all you need to say. It's not about your mental health-which seems perfectly sound, it's about her pisstaking.

Well done Clueless for getting rid of this so called friend! How dare she contact your family she is a user and certainly not a friend to you! You are a warrior OP keep telling yourself that you are worthy and a decent person horrible women the two of them bigs hugs 💐xx

I'm sorry you're hurting (((((hug)))))

Clueless, Its normal to feel a bit deflated after some sort of conflict when the adrenaline is no longer flowing, especially if you're not used to it. But the question to ask yourself is, how would you be feeling this morning if you hadn't texted her yesterday. Would you be feeling great, on top of the world? Or would you be sitting cursing yourself for being such a pushover yet again and feeling terrible for not standing up for your children? Think about which feeling you prefer.

Hey clueless, we haven’t given you a backbone for one night, we just agreed that she was a total user who was manipulating you in the most awful way (she thought you weren’t being ‘yourself’ as the ‘usual you’ was a doormat for her to use as she pleased unassuming, ‘nice’ person) and using crock-of-shit excuses about not affording to give you more.

It’s not a backbone for one night - I hope it has shown you that you are worth more than those users around you are showing of your worth. You deserve to be treated better & with some respect.

You’ve made a step forward. Perhaps have a think about how you can tackle the issues with CF neighbour, maybe jot some notes down on a pad.
Her free trial period is over!