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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everyone using me for childcare

450 replies

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 13:00

I have two children, a boy and a girl, I live in a flat, recently a new neighbour moved in above me with twin boys my sons age and a little girl the same age as my daughter. They attend the same nursery and school. One day she asked for my number to arrange a play date, I said okay. She called about 2 weeks later asking me to pick up her daughter from nursery, it progressed week by week till it was dropping off or collecting from nursery or school three times a week. Then when they were with me I'd give snacks. One of the twins had an allergy and she hadn't told me, I only found out on offering snacks one day and asking her about it that evening. When she would come for the kids she would text I'm going to come down for them in a couple minutes please put their coats and shoes on and have their bags ready. She has never offered me a penny or given me any food. I don't enjoy having my house constantly filled with kids, but she views it as I'm home and she's at work, therefore I can help out. But it's tiring and stressful.

So I was complaining to my friend one day and she said oh you should charge her at least £30 a day, she's getting free childcare. Anyways this friend was going to a wedding in Paris with her husband and asked me 4 months ago to have her three children, three little girls (12, 7, 5). She kept saying she would give money for them for food, for my time and for an activity or two. So I had the children for a week they're back with her now and she said she had put the money into my account. So imagine my shock when I went to the bank and it was only £20 in my account. Feeding them alone had cost more than that. I feel like such a mug. I'm on benefits and watching every penny but these cheeky fuckers have taken the piss.

And on her Facebook are photos of her shopping in Paris and visiting expensive restaurants and venues with her husband. They both have a higher income than me.

I think they're being extremely unreasonable about their childcare expectations.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 12/10/2017 20:35

Stand firm OP and take no shit, you are totally in the right, and in fact have given far more than I would have done, and I'm a softy too but that is totally taking the fucking piss

Appuskidu · 12/10/2017 20:36

Why are your mum, nan and ex believing her over you?

BanyanTree · 12/10/2017 20:36

MissMisery is right. Some people do totally take the piss when it comes to their DC's.

I used to have this friend who has a very high powered job. She had live in help too. She tried to get me to do drop offs and pickups and have them after school on occasion but I always said no. I'd often see one of her neighbours taking one of her DC to the doctors when sick or have them during school holidays. This person constantly told us how she could never be a SAHM but was more than happy to use us to look after her DC. She owns about 5 rental properties worth millions and is loaded. I flat refused to do anything for her because I gave up my job to look after my own DC, not to enable her to make millions.

Goodasgoldilox · 12/10/2017 20:38

It seems that it would be useful to you to rehearse saying 'no' in ways that leave you feeling as if you haven't failed a test of politeness!

Play through what might be said and rehearse firm replies:
I'm afraid that doesn't work for me
Unfortunately that isn't convenient
I have other plans and can't fit in with you this time

Don't explain your reasons - just keep saying that it isn't possible.
Run it through as a drama - and decide on your tone and expression.

Be ready with a change of subject to follow your refusal.

I agree with remembering that agreeing is giving away your children's time/energy allowance as well as money for feeding them.

Look forwards to trying it out - and report back here on your success :)

DPotter · 12/10/2017 20:38

I think it may be a good investment of your time to briefly explain what's going on to your mum, nan and your ex, by text before they get to you - then you only need say it once. 'friend asked me to look after her 3 kids for a week - take them to aquarium, cinema etc and she would pay me back for taking them out etc. She's given me £20, which doesn't even cover the food costs, saying I should treat myself to something nice'.

Deemail · 12/10/2017 20:39

So the mum and nan who stood up to your friend taking advantage are now siding with your friend for taking advantage?

dustarr73 · 12/10/2017 20:39

Well if she thinks you're not well, why leave 3 kids with you.For a week. She doesn't like the new you, so she's sending reinforcements to back down.

All I'd say to each and everyoneof them is " would you look after 3 kids for a week for £20"

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/10/2017 20:40

Holy crap! Your mum has messaged your ex to come around?! What on earth! What world are they living on?

You're not unwell... you're getting a backbone!

TheAntiBoop · 12/10/2017 20:40

I'm assuming she has given the mum a crap story

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 12/10/2017 20:41

I like BadUmShh's text.
Please remember it's really not you that's in the wrong / having some sort of episode here!

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 12/10/2017 20:42

Also what dustarr73 said! Neat and to the point!

Pemba · 12/10/2017 20:43

Unbelievable

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/10/2017 20:43

You could add that while you don't expect to make a profit from a friend, you can't afford to be out of pocket either.

You have fed and entertained her children, and it will have cost extra for hot water, washing their clothes etc - this may sound petty, but when you are on a tight budget, every penny can make a difference.

missymayhemsmum · 12/10/2017 20:44

OP, you haven't said how your kids feel about all this, and what outcome you want. It sounds as though CFN has realised she is taking advantage and would be willing to have a more equal relationship, if your kids and hers get on and enjoy time together, why not accept her offer or feel free to ask a favour when it suits you?

The manipulative cow who dumped her kids with you for a week and then offered you £20 beggars belief though! The least she should have offered is to pay for all trips, a week's shopping, and a break to recover!

Clearly all the kids have a lovely time with you, so you should be proud of that. But do your kids enjoy the crowd?

category12 · 12/10/2017 20:44

Yup "would you expect £20 to cover my costs for looking after 3 kids for a week? friend said she would reimburse me for food and trips - she gave me £20. That's the only problem here."

MrsZippyLake · 12/10/2017 20:46

Words fail me. This is one of the very few threads where there isn’t a single dissenting voice. I don’t usually say this but please can you send your CF “friend” this thread to read? And once you’ve got your money from her, please cut her out of your life forever.

CommanderDaisy · 12/10/2017 20:46

Why on earth are your family bringing random medication around for you? Do they hold your prescriptions and dole out meds when necessary? Because otherwise, that could be incredibly dangerous for you. Do not take it.
The only medication you need is your "friend" not causing drama for you when you put a legitimate request to her, for a reasonable sum of money for the childcare and expenses you incurred whilst minding her children.
I cannot believe that woman has the gall to make this about your mental health. Drop her like a hot rock.
You have obviously been so passive and been taken advantage of for so long, that any reaction different to "Yes, please - walk all over me" is considered a mental health crisis.
Stand your ground and kick that bitch into touch. Or better yet give me her damn email and I'll do it for you. Really Angry for you.

HolyShet · 12/10/2017 20:47

Keep your cool OP

Don't get flustered or upset

Tell Ex/Mum and Nan same thing

I'm taking my meds and all is fine

Friend asked me to look after her kids for a week and said she would cover the costs

It cost me £x (add it up, show receipts if necessary)

She's sent me £20 which falls short by £x

You never agreed charging for your time and care - but your costs need to be reimbursed.

Get your mum on side

What an absolute USER this woman is

Clueless1315 · 12/10/2017 20:48

My so called friend was the one who called my ex. He's here now he lives about 10 minutes away. I see he's brought an overnight bag, just fucking great. He's put pyjamas on.

I asked him what he thought and he's said: you know I can't stand that fucking bitch.

Me: then why are you here.

Him: we're in this together.

Doorbells ringing. That will be nan.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
seven201 · 12/10/2017 20:48

Well you said your nan thinks everyone has taken you for a ride. You can speak to her calmly then she can sort all this shit out for you. Your mum is just not used to you being assertive. Will your ex be ok when you explain or believe your mum? Maybe show him this thread?

Mix56 · 12/10/2017 20:49

A little snippet on her fb page re Paris is tempting...

Belleoftheball8 · 12/10/2017 20:49

Your friend isn't your friend here she is taking advantage of your past vulnerability to worm her way out of paying what your owed.

I would calmly tell her that your mental health is well at the moment but she has morals of a street alley cat if she thinks it's acceptable that she expects free childcare, food and activities for THREE dc for a full week and that she's a disgrace for using your mental health against you

seven201 · 12/10/2017 20:49

Cross post. Well I'm glad your ex is ready to fight your corner!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/10/2017 20:50

TBH - If anyone was looking after my kids I would have given them the money up front - especially if they were on benefits as you are - and brought a "thank you" gift back from my holiday - for the friend AND her children.

Your friend has never had any intention of paying for her childcare.

AhNowTed · 12/10/2017 20:50

OMG you have more than cheeky fucker friends on your hands op.