To not like how we're doing Christmas this year?

[BlueButTrue]

SIL (I think was the first time announce it, can't remember), has said we aren't getting each other's children presents this year (so nieces and nephews).

MIL announced that there will be no Christmas dinner, just 'picky bits'

I've never known a Christmas like it.

I told my own DM what's going on and she said "well aren't you a bit put out, you always spent a fortune on their children every year yet now you'll have your own baby this year, he won't be getting anything?"

My answer was no, I'm fine with it, because I hate tat and don't like clutter/things I dislike in my house

The Christmas dinner thing is always really bothering me.

AIBU to suggest to the family that instead of no presents for each other's children, we see a strict spending limit for each child and have to stick to it? So maybe £10 a child or something and that's strictly it so no one feels embarrassed?

The no present thing is more because BIL and wife, and SIL can't really afford to this year. But we aren't loaded either, and I always manage it easily - I buy well in advance and look out for offers.

Would you be happy with no Christmas dinner and no present sharing?

Go to your mums. Sounds like you'll be nurtured which you'll deserve after having the baby. The presents wouldn't bother me but "picky bits" whatever they are sounds awful.

Agree with you guilty. I'd never say my Dh can't cook.

He may not enjoy cooking from scratch, (but how many women do?)
He does however, shove something in the oven, make a salad or some veg, lay the table, and shout "foods ready". ^^ that is cooking.

guilty I think you are confusing MIL with the OP's mum. MIL doesn't want to do Christmas. OP's mum does.

I must look like a right miserable bastard at Christmas because my list of gifts to buy looks like this:

• Mum
• Dad
• Brother's girlfriend
• Office secret santa

Brother and I agreed that as we're both saving money this year, we'll just do cards and pocket what we would have given each other DH and I don't do gifts at all because we travel quite a lot and so put the money to our next holiday. We have enough shite cluttering up the house!

Our Christmas dinner is just a naice meal. This year will be duck. Last year was a lovely steak dinner. The year before was roast beef. I do always insist on yorkshire puddings though, whether they go or not

The present thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest. As for no Christmas dinner; yes, that is a deal breaker. Can't you have a proper Christmas dinner at home with your family and your own mum (and dad)?

I’d have Christmas at home and have my own first family Christmas just us. I’d see the in laws on xmas eve and if I wanted to get my niece/nephew a present, I would. Wouldn’t matter, I’d just not expect anything in return (which I wouldn’t anyway).

This is your baby’s first Christmas so it’s one you will remember.

Stay home, snuggle and have an xmas dinner. As an alternative (sorry if this is somewhere in the thread) can you go to your family instead?

Op, I think you need to just go to your mum's and stop fussing.

In your husband's 'defence', your arguments are coming across as relatively scattered on here, but the one thing is clear is that you want to go to your mum's.

No arguing about presents (and yes, actually £10 per head could be difficult if they're having a tight year - YABU there).

No arguing about the food other people will provide (if you aren't doing it, you can't complain).

No arguing about a husband who won't cook ('can't' is a shower of bollocks I'm afraid. All the supermarkets do roast in the tin meat and veg, so it's more or less bunging those in the oven, mixing the gravy and heating up some ready mash.)

Forget all of the stuff you have surrounded this with, and just tell him the EMOTIONAL reasons why it is very important to you to go and have a nice Christmas with your mum. By arguing with him about food and the like, you've made it all sound very petty and easy to minimize/argue back.

And for the love of God, from this point on, spread your Christmas celebrations out over the month. I'd visit one set of grandparents before, one after, and Christmas Day was just our family, plus other friends etc get togethers before and after.

I think that as you've been to his Mums every Christmas, it's only fair that you go there when you've got a Newborn.

Then, a three year rota, with your Mum on the third year, by which time her children will be that much older. It's not like they stay the same age. Surely there is a bit of a difference in their behaviour/development, even this year?

Lonicera - Ahhh, yes, you're right, I'd totally confused the two. It all makes sense now!! Thank you!

OP: have two Christmasses, one with your Mum on the 25th and one with your in laws on the 27th (or whenever). There's no magic about December 25th that can't be repeated on the 27th! Especially if the 27th doesn't involve the effort of a massive roast.

Tbh if it was my dp i would tell him with that attitude he won't be welcome.
Does your mum have a spare bed she can put you and little one up in for a night or could you kip on sofa and have little one in a Moses basket as he will still be tiny. You could sleep over then and enjoy Christmas properly without the long drives.

A reverse thread might read a bit like this -

"Previously, I was happy to buy gifts for all the children. We're now on a tight budget. I suggested we just buy for our own kids, but SIL is insisting we should all spend £10 per child. I can't afford that

Also, my mum is getting older and finding it hard to cook a meal for a crowd. She suggested a finger buffet / canapes, but SIL is throwing a strop because it's not a full blown roast dinner with all the trimmings. DB and SIL aren't offering to host it themselves, but want my Mum to cook to their choice, even though she feels it's too much for her."

*We've stopped doing presents this year too, conveniently just as my daughter was born.8

This happened in our family, too - DH before we were married spend a fortune on nieces and nephew, and we spent less (but still a good chunk of cash) after we got married (we had a house to pay for - less spare cash).

When our first DC was born, their oldest daughter who was working away "forgot" to bring his present home with her (it was a present from their entire family allegedly - as it hasn't turned up in the intervening 34 years, I can't confirm the veracity of this . . . ), and the following year, they decided that their children were old enough not to need presents from all of the relatives (i.e. us) - their youngest was twelve - and they told us not to bother. And nor did they.

In all of those years, neither of my DC's has had a birthday,Easter, or Christmas gift from them - and they got presents for all of these occasions, [lus small holiday gifts when we went away.

And yes - I am angry even now about it! I feel they treated my children like sh!t.

The fact that your partner doesn't want you to go to your mum's makes him look really selfish

The one thing you and your mum really want is to spend some of the day together and she will do the driving, he should not object to that.

You also sound a bit mean complaining about what someone else will cook but I guess that's because you don't want to go

My neighbour has the same thing each year, he's the only one in his family who can be arsed to cook, so after a few years of being like Monica in Friends, he said "you know what, if you're coming to eat my cooking, you'll have to eat what I'm cooking, if you don't like it, go somewhere else".

xmas dinner has to be one of the easiest to do because it doesn't even involved taste or seasoning decisions its a simple set of instructions and following them in a timed way.bunging stuff in oven turning on hobs.it doesn't involve any cookery knowledge to do with taste or baking specifics.turkey timed.veg time.potatos timed.sausages and stuffing all just timed.

It will be my 47th wedding anniversary in a few weeks, I've cooked 47 Christmas dinners, some for 2 and some for 10 or 12. I truly dread another Christmas dinner and would love a day in front of the TV with picky bits. Maybe MIL feels like me. If everyone decided to go elsewhere I would just see them another day.

I'm with the majority on this one - the presents wouldn't overly bother me, but the lack of dinner would really piss me off. If there's no proper Christmas dinner, I'd sack it off using newborn DS as the excuse and do my own Christmas Day dinner at home.

Haven't RTFT. Have to say, my SIL refusing to buy gifts for my children now, when I had bought gifts for hers for many years, would really piss me off.

This happened to a friend of mine who has 3 older brothers. (They have 8 years between them, and then she is 7 years younger than the second youngest. So she had kids 10 years after the rest of them.)

She bought for ELEVEN nieces and nephews for 20 odd years, then as soon as she had her 2 (one year apart,) the SIL's in the family decided it was 'getting too much,' and called time on gift buying!

Then when my friend's 2 girls were a bit older (teens,) the brothers and SIL's children (my friend's nieces and nephews) started having kids, and the SIL's then decided the gift buying should start again now they have young grandchildren - after 13-14 years of not buying for my friend's 2 daughters!

As for the Christmas dinner, well no, I would be declining this invitation. What is with people, and having to go to other peoples houses at Christmas? They have all year to see each other. I have never understood it.

Still you put it perfectly. Can't drive, can't really cook, doesn't like kids - what first attracted you to this fabulous guy !!!

Go to your Mum's - she wants you there, that is obvious.

I can understand your DH just wanting to be at home with you and his baby, but I think that he needs to consider what you want too, this year.

You will be happy, but exhausted and the best place for an exhausted new mum is with her own mother fussing over her.

Also, my mum is getting older and finding it hard to cook a meal for a crowd. She suggested a finger buffet / canapes, but SIL is throwing a strop because it's not a full blown roast dinner with all the trimmings. DB and SIL aren't offering to host it themselves, but want my Mum to cook to their choice, even though she feels it's too much for her

or

Sil is being selfish just because she has a new baby she wants to spend this xmas with her own mum, how utterly selfish of her, she spent last xmas with us and should do the same again

I think you've hit your first crunch point regarding the move from couple to parents.

I feel really sad for your mum - and you. How horribly unfair for her to see her daughter choose to visit family for her baby's first Christmas - but go again to her husband's family even though they were there last year, and the MIL already has 4 grandchildren to share it with while your mum has none.

Be careful. It's such a nastily unfair thing to do that it will leave a mark, even if your mum is lovely enough not to say anything. She'll blame your H, and she'll be right. He's being selfish and childish - he clearly doesn't care if Christmas isn't particularly enjoyable (!) just as long as HE isn't putting up with things he specifically doesn't want to happen - ie, visiting your mum. However, you putting up with things you specifically don't want, like missing out on making the first Christmas special - well, that's fine. Um, did he miss the bit about you being about to give birth for the first time, about you undoubtedly being the one with the upcoming emotional upheaval and physical workload? How about, seeing as actually he doesn't really care about the celebration itself, how about he starts genuinely thinking about someone else for a change?

If I were you I would put my foot down, as I think it would stand you all in good stead for the future. It sounds as if your DH is quite used to having his wishes prioritised. Now you have a baby, that either a. has to change or b. you become a bit of a dickish family that kind of hovers on the outside because 'well, you know what HE is like...'

Don't let that happen. Now is the perfect time to get the point across that things have changed, and he has to change too. Absolutely he can take time out to get away. But if he thinks that now the baby is here you're still going to be slightly distanced from your own side of the family in preference for his, simply because oh, well he can't really be arsed putting up with them - then he is wrong.

This all before the fact that you're going to be a new mum, undoubtedly tired and on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Do what you believe is going to make the best memories this Christmas, it DOES matter - it certainly isn't going to MILs, but I'll bet it's also not sobbing down the phone to your mum feeling a bit low and lonely and pissed off as your DH makes a big show of banging pots around in the kitchen while you sit feeding. On your own. No - go to your mum's and be surrounded by family and chat and Christmassy-ness. If he doesn't want to come, fine.

Do your DH a favour here, though he won't realise you're doing it. Go to your mum's and avoid him ending up with a wife who resents him for spoiling their baby's first Christmas, and whole bunch of inlaws that think a lot less of him and his family.

Fizzy - is right. go to your Mums this year. Your DH needs to learn life has changed.

He's effectively decided you will never spend Christmas with your Mum, because he'd rather not. He doesn't see your Mum and siblings as "family", well they are your DCs family as much as his Mum and sister are.

I wouldn't try to talk him round, I'd inform him I'm going to my Mums as I went to yours last time and I want to go. I'll take the baby, up to you where you go.

Previously, I was happy to buy gifts for all the children. We're now on a tight budget. I suggested we just buy for our own kids, but SIL is insisting we should all spend £10 per child. I can't afford that

Perhaps you should add 'well, yes, SIL has bought nice gifts for each of my children for years and maybe now she's got a baby, we should reciprocate a bit, but hey!'

Thanks for the replies again.

Have decided with DH that my Mum is picking us up at around 1ish and we will be returning at about 7. Yes I have discussed this with DM too, haven't just sprung the idea on and insist we leave at a certain time

Ideally, we'd stay over but there isn't anywhere to sleep and DH in all his 6'3 length is too tall for their two sofas, plus me and DC.

That way we spend Christmas morning as a family, and the whole afternoon with my Mum. Then get the evening together as a family again too

MIL/SIL really won't be impressed when we tell them these plans, but as mean as if sounds, tough shit. More than happy to spend Boxing Day with them.

If they can't see why my DM takes priority this year then that's up to them.

As for the present thing, I know some posters say they'd be extremely pissed off since now all of a sudden, when I have a DC, they won't buy anymore. But it suits me well, I hate extra crap I don't/DC doesn't need.

Plus they're really skint... It's hard to see this as a good excuse when they're spending on other things like it's nothing but I won't go into that.

Oh and as for cooking, we're both vegetarian so all we have is this turkey style log thing that goes in the oven for 30 minutes. It's really lovely with gravy and you don't feel like you're missing out on Christmas dinner.

Picky bits would be even worse since we don't eat meat BIL and his wife don't either. Nor does their DCs.