To not like how we're doing Christmas this year?

[BlueButTrue]

SIL (I think was the first time announce it, can't remember), has said we aren't getting each other's children presents this year (so nieces and nephews).

MIL announced that there will be no Christmas dinner, just 'picky bits'

I've never known a Christmas like it.

I told my own DM what's going on and she said "well aren't you a bit put out, you always spent a fortune on their children every year yet now you'll have your own baby this year, he won't be getting anything?"

My answer was no, I'm fine with it, because I hate tat and don't like clutter/things I dislike in my house

The Christmas dinner thing is always really bothering me.

AIBU to suggest to the family that instead of no presents for each other's children, we see a strict spending limit for each child and have to stick to it? So maybe £10 a child or something and that's strictly it so no one feels embarrassed?

The no present thing is more because BIL and wife, and SIL can't really afford to this year. But we aren't loaded either, and I always manage it easily - I buy well in advance and look out for offers.

Would you be happy with no Christmas dinner and no present sharing?

It sounds like what your DH really wants is a bit of room to escape if and when your family gets a bit too much for him. Is there a bedroom at your parents place he can escape to, using the baby as an excuse? If you show him how he can get a bit of quiet time he might be much more amenable and happy. I see your point, but also see his about being stuck in what sounds like a boisterous house all day and not having any respite!
I deal with ILs by running off for afternoon naps etc and everyone just accepts that I need some downtime to recharge mid visit

MIL and SIL will be very bothered indeed if we don't come

Come to what? No presents and no dinner, there is nothing to go for!

Go to your mothers house.

I’m in the same situation with the presents thing. We have bought for our friends kids over the years, spending £50+ (we had no children then) on their kids. Now we have a baby a few have called Christmas gifts off. It’s not a huge deal but really opened my eyes to how people expect but don’t want to give in return. Bring it your babies and my babies first xmas I’d have thought, in your case especially people would want to buy even a small keepsake. However, gifts aren’t a huge thing. So I wouldn’t be overly fussed.

I’d do as someone else suggested about xmas dinner and suggest everyone brings a dish within a budget. Saves one person cooking and spending the day in the kitchen! But also saves money amongst all. If they’re not willing to compromise I would suggest just visiting for a couple of hours with the kids or offering them to visit you in the morning and then have your own xmas dinner at home with your family and do it your way. X

BTW you’re saying about the first Christmas being important but actually the third and fourth are the peak of magical fabulousness with kids. It’s all new and great and the boxes are important so it’s not expensive.

If you suck up this one with MIL then bagsy 3 and 4 at your Mum’s. play the long game

God how I loathe the present obligation shite. Surely we can return to a day where a gift was just that? A gift, unexpected and surprising? Not one of us alive here typing 'needs' a gift so if a family say they are thinking of missing out gifts this year, why would you not honour it? They are finding things tough. Accept it. No one needs a thing.

Your DH is behaving like a spoiled child and you are right that his refusal to compromise, plus sulking, do not bode well for the future.

I thought you were being a doormat and had MUG written on your forehead until i read you'r decided on going to your mums.

My impression is that his family dynamic is dysfunctional, controlling, passive-aggressive and actually rather toxic.....and that you keep making/looking for excuses instead of dealing with it.
That doesn't make him an abuser by proxy, but it does mean he will be playing out the dynamics he's been conditioned into (F.O.G)
Left unchallenged and unchecked that can turn this into an abusive relationship

His response Apparently it's only one day and we should just stay at home. Apparently my mum's feelings aren't his priority. Apparently if I want my mum to see DS that much then she can come here with her children, has hopefully opened your eyes to this.

Although he may not want to spend it with his family, F.O.G will ensure that he fights their corner harder than he fights for you.

I'm guessing your dh is not the 'golden child' in his family?
If you dig further i bet you'll find other examples of where he's been pushed to the side/overlooked/treated unfavourably etc.
This is his first child, a normal family would want to celebrate the baby's first christmas....instead they're effectively shitting all over your special moment/time - and demanding that you let them!

Tell husband not to bother coming with you - who needs a sourpuss draining all the fun/joy out of the day?

I think you should respect the no-present thing--or suggest a Secret Santa, perhaps. With a strict limit.

Can you not offer to host dinner, cook it at SILs or bring stuff? Picky bits sounds a bit crap, sorry. I do understand that your MIL may be fed up with cooking it though.

If all else fails, do Xmas dinner early at your place and then go round afterwards.

Could you have lunch together & then your mum & siblings come over for the afternoon?

I'm sorry OP but you are having a child with a man who can't cook, can't drive and doesn't like small children.......

We normally do a secret Santa for adults with my in laws. £40 limit. This year SIL and her DH can't afford it because they're due to have twins just before Xmas so we're doing two. The normal one for the rest of the family on the morning (they're not coming over until later due to the twins) and then a £2 white elephant where you pick a random present and then the next person either gets to swap or pick a new one. And of course the kids will still be spoiled as usual. Two new babies just before Christmas!!

Why does your MIL always cook, but at your SIL's house?! Do you all help!? Apologies if I've missed this.

Your DH sounds like he's being a right misog about your mum-do they not get on? I would have a Christmas lunch at home cooked by him (sounds lovely) and then go to my mum's with the baby afterwards. If that were to involve another Christmas lunch there, all the better! He can do what he wants. Is there a reason neither of you drive?

The present thing is annoying but understandable if it's been a tough year financially.

No Christmas dinner would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be staying home, ordering everything from m&s that is already prepared and you just chuck in the oven and be having a small family lunch at home. I'd be fine with a buffet on boxing day or something, which is actually what we usually do but for me Christmas dinner is sat at the table, Turkey with all the trimmings, some nice wine, posh deserts. Mmmm

I can understand DH not wanting to be surrounded by a lot of noisy children with no escape route, but since he's happy to host your DM & the rest why not do that? It's one day, you can squeeze them all in surely? That way your DM gets what she wants (your DC), you get your DM, DH gets to stay home, and he can always nip along to see his family at the end of the day when DM has taken the tribe home. And you get a proper dinner! (DM presumably can help DH if he looks like needing it and it's not difficult if you buy pre-prepared stuff)
I don't see what the problem is....

Third time of shouting into the void here but I think you should go to your mum's/have her to you for Christmas Eve and have that as a new traditional celebration. With wild younger siblings and dinner to host (not sure who cooks) she's not going to have much time to dandle the newborn anyway.

Break the pressure of the SINGLE DAY of Christmas being what is important for you/her/him and you are liberated to enjoy Christmas differently and in a more relaxed way forever.

Whilst I think he's being a bit of a mardy arse, I think you've ultimatumed him into a corner a bit. I'm guessing you want this to all work out, not that he's usually a controlling misery, so it might be a bit of feeling like his family and their way of doing things is being rejected. (which it is)

"I just want to be with my mum on my child's first christmas" is totally legit, but this only came to you after complaining about their lack of festivity (brought on by skintness?).

Your mom only lives a hour away try and give baby a good feed before you leave. Baby will last and can wait one hour until you're home. The traffic on xmas day will be easy

I would think if he's happy to have your mum & siblings to you then make it work somehow.

Have you been happy to go to ILs for years then-just not so much this year because of baby/them not doing it how you want?

DH can't really cook at all,

Yes he can.

"DH can't really cook at all,"

People who "can't" cook are really people who won't cook. They just don't want to learn. There is a plethora of excellent cookery books aimed at people at all levels of expertise. He is just being lazy.

How do some people get to adults without being able to cook?

Have they never lived alone/been left at parents for a couple of weeks whilst parents holiday?

Cooked/helped with family meals?

I wonder why adults don't just want to stay home on Xmas day. Like it's not Xmas unless they spend it embroiled in family dramas

Id love it. I cant be bothered with christmas id love to vollenteer aand igore the whole thing

Id go to your mums. Your inlaws have basically said no christmas, so you may as well go to theirs boxing day

I am beyond fucked off with this army of men who "can't cook".

They CAN. They just don't fucking try.

And nowadays you can get pretty much an entire Christmas dinner that you just have to bung into the oven to reheat anyway. All the work is literally done.

HOW IS THAT HARD??!

OP - I am completely confused by your messages. You say your Mum is desperate to do Christmas, but she doesn't want to do a Christmas dinner? You are peed off about the present/dinner situation, but you're not willing to do it yourself, in your home, on your terms. Your DH doesn't want to spend it with your family, but you do in spite of not liking their terms of engagement with it!

I'm just completely unclear what your priorities are right now. I think until you sort out whether presents, dinners, or company are the most important thing, it's going to be really hard to give advice!