To not like how we're doing Christmas this year?

[BlueButTrue]

SIL (I think was the first time announce it, can't remember), has said we aren't getting each other's children presents this year (so nieces and nephews).

MIL announced that there will be no Christmas dinner, just 'picky bits'

I've never known a Christmas like it.

I told my own DM what's going on and she said "well aren't you a bit put out, you always spent a fortune on their children every year yet now you'll have your own baby this year, he won't be getting anything?"

My answer was no, I'm fine with it, because I hate tat and don't like clutter/things I dislike in my house

The Christmas dinner thing is always really bothering me.

AIBU to suggest to the family that instead of no presents for each other's children, we see a strict spending limit for each child and have to stick to it? So maybe £10 a child or something and that's strictly it so no one feels embarrassed?

The no present thing is more because BIL and wife, and SIL can't really afford to this year. But we aren't loaded either, and I always manage it easily - I buy well in advance and look out for offers.

Would you be happy with no Christmas dinner and no present sharing?

Yes, go to your in-laws in the morning for a 'picky-bits' and non-present opening and then get to your mum's. Could you stay overnight so she could drink and you could all relax?

What exactly are your in-laws going to do on Christmas day?

It depends on age of kids, teens and older I'd say fine. Young kids I think small token fun gifts is better than nothing. You can get some items for a pound! Yes adults Don't like this but kids do.

Food - it's up to the host. I love picky bits.

We celebrate Christmas multiple times in our home. Early or late with friends/family. Whoever hosts chooses food.

If you want a nice dinner cook it for immediate family on Christmas Eve and enjoy picky bits on Christmas Day.

If you really do not expect much 'back' and want to buy for nieces and nephews just say you will buy something small.

Secret Santa online generator and use in Nov with an agreed budget. We have done this to great success for the adults but can apply to everyone. Such a success that our initial £20 budget is now a more generous £50! Still a massive saving since you only have to buy one present and everyone is allowed to make a short wish list to make it extra easy. You can still put down that you want a surprise if you really want that. (No one has yet!)

I would diy Xmas dinner for yourselves on Sat or Xmas Eve to lessen the disappointment of no Xmas meal at all. I’m not hugely a fan of Turkey. Unless you go to the hassle of brining it overnight, it’s invariably gets overcooked. We’ve had Beef Wellington, Goose, Pheasant & Partridge as alternatives in the past. It’s just a fancy roast with extra trimmings.

Your issue is that you simply don’t want to spend Xmas day with his family this year. Everything else is pure noise. It’s OK to feel this way and say it . Good Luck

Go to your mum's. Stay the night if you can. Enjoy having other people to help with the baby while you est your delicious Christmas dinner.

Speaking to DH and it's blown completely out.

Apparently it's only one day and we should just stay at home. Apparently my mum's feelings aren't his priority. Apparently if I want my mum to see DS that much then she can come here with her children, never mind the fact we don't have the bloody space by any stretch of the imagination

He also said the kids are a bloody nightmare and he doesn't want to put up with it. I said he'll struggle with parenthood if he can't compromise at all. He says that's not related at all

I finally got to the bottom of it by saying "well are you coming or no? I'll be with you in the morning and late evening. What you do in-between is your problem now as I've offered" His reply was "well fine I'll come but don't expect me to be happy about it"

In hindsight, the truth is I don't think he wanted to go to his sisters to see everyone either. He just wanted Christmas at home

In that case both of you compromise tell him you'll have the morning and dinner at home then go to your mums after dinner. He cooks and cleans up you could even do Boxing Day leftovers for his family?

Go to your mums this year then next year do what you both want and if that's to be at the home do it. Your in laws have had you, your mum will hopefully have babies first.. A special honour to her and then after that your dues are paid.

Leaves I'm perfectly happy to spend next year and even year after that at home.

It's just this baby's first Christmas is so important to me, I would love it spent with my mum who's desperate for it to happen

I think your DH is being completely unreasonable and unkind. You are currently going through what sounds like a much wished for pregnancy after a rough go of losses and at Christmas, will have recently given birth and will be caring for a newborn (from the sounds of it, doing most of the care). He should be bending over backwards to make sure you and Baby have a lovely first Christmas full of the traditions you love and that your Mom sounds desperate to share with and provide for you. Every time you write about her and Christmas at her house it's so full of love and longing to be there.
I'm so sad for you that your H is being so incredibly selfish when your wishes are perfectly clear, SIL/MIL aren't bothering to do much for Christmas, AND you were with them last year anyway!!
If his one objection is not wanting to be stuck around your little siblings, what is he going to do when your new baby is colicky and crying constantly? That doesn't seem like a good enough reason to deprive you and your Mom of the Christmas you both clearly really want. Good Luck!!

Hi Lily, thank you - you're so right.

His argument to not wanting to deal with other people's kid's but being a dad himself with his own child to deal with is that it'll be his child that he has to deal with. Where as he can just leave other people and other people's kids to it, if you see what I mean?

Why don’t you just stay at home? You’ll be miserable if you go to his family, he’ll be miserable at yours. Therefore sack them all off and stay at home.

Roasting a bird with some veg isn’t the hardest thing in the world either, especially if you’re only doing it for two.

On a side note I wish we didn’t do presents for all the extended family. Just ends up with emails pinging back forth with requests. Takes all the fun out of it. As does the spend £30 budget we’ve been given (I got it down from £50).

Got to the point last year where my DW and sister just said ‘happy xmas’ as they both just wanted cash - no point in transferring the money so there were no presents under the tree. I hate presents and the pressure entailed.

Go to your mums. If your MIL is only 10 minutes away you can see her at any point over the holiday. You sound as if you really want to go to your mums. It's still OCTOBER they and your DH have plenty of time to get used to the idea.

Sorry but after buying 3 presents a year for her children and then to announce no presents for your new baby's first Christmas is mean of spirit. You can pick up a baby toy for a couple of pounds before people start saying she can't afford it. It's a gesture. Sounds like she doesn't want your new baby to have centre stage. Announce a no presents rule next year, give new mum an new baby in the family a.first Christmas.

And the 'picky bit's'? A New Year buffet maybe but not Christmas dinner. I think perhaps she is not that really bothered. Go to your mums, see them another day.

Just put your foot down op. Your going to your mums and that's the end of it.

Well, he's a fountain of Christmas spirit, isn't he?

Go to your mum's. It'll give you a break from having two children to deal with.

Could you stay overnight at your mum's? Then she wouldn't have to do the double drive on Christmas Day.

Could you suggest to your husband that the world doesn't revolve round what he wants.

You have an equal say in what happens and if you've never had a Christmas at your mum's it's high time you did, especially this Christmas since it would mean so much to her

I'm glad you're going to your Mum's.

Tell DH that he can mind his bloody manners, slap on a smile and act like he's having a good time. A hint of a bad mood and next year you'll go alone with DS.

Can't you take an air bed & stay over? Your Mum can have a drink & relax then, to yours & back twice on Christmas Day is a lot of driving.. DH can act like an adult.

Can either of you learn to drive?

If you want to buy your nieces and nephews presents then do. SIL doesn't get to dictate what you do.

I don't like the sound of your 'd'h.

Yes, your husband sounds thoroughly unsupportive. He can suck it up and deal for a day of irritating younger siblings -- I'm sure you've dealt with annoying children on his side. Hell, he sounds like he might BE the annoying child on his side, with the way he's acting.

We do a family swap, so each year we get a gift for a different aunt/uncle family. For my side of the fam we do a secret Santa, so only one present to get rather than loads.
Could you not just get a general family present for them to share? So like a selection of treats or a film and hot chocolate etc?
As for the meal, I've never heard anything like it... we've always had a roast, followed by picky bits in the evening when we feel peckish. Or have the cheese board out with crackers, pate, ham etc...

Why are your DH's family so keen for you to spend Christmas with them when they don't want to do either presents or Christmas dinner? Are you sure it's actually MIL/SIL who want you to be there? Because it sounds like they could really do without Christmas altogether this year.

I'm also a bit concerned about your H and his determination to have his own way - or, at least, to make sure that you don't get anything you want. Sometimes abusive men don't really show their abusive side until you are pregnant, and then all of a sudden there are all these completely unreasonable demands - he doesn't want you to spend any time with your family, for instance; he won't drive, or cook, or expend any effort, and what you want doesn't matter.

Rean I think abusive is a little unfair.

He doesn't know how to drive and he can't really cook but as I previously mentioned, wants to cook for just me and him (Christmas dinner).

His problem is actually going to my mums, not me spending time with her. He's more than happy for them to come here but what do doesn't realise is that's an even worse idea since we don't have the space etc

I am glad you are planning to spend it with your mum. It's the right decision. I can see your Dh point of view about having it at home though. Could you not agree to a fixed amount of time at your mum's if she has offered to drive? Or is he refusing even just a couple of hours. Glad uou are not going to your in laws they sound rather pushy.

Alternatively I obviously don't know the size of your house but could you not just cope with hosting for one day? You could ask your mum to bring a dish or two to help DH.

Tbh, I agree with your DH about spending your first family Christmas in your own home and your mother visiting you. You may not want to spend over 2 hours on Christmas Day with your baby in a car!

It's fine if you don't want to go to your MIL's this year, but think about what would be best for you, your DH and your newborn.

maybe let it go this christmas and then after xmas have a very frank discussion with him about doing a 3 year roster, this year at home next year at his family and the year after at your family ( or what ever order you want) thats what we do as most of the family live in one town, i live 11 hours drive away and my sister is 12 hours drive and a 3 hour ferry ride away ( or a 2 hour flight) so we do every 2nd year at "home" and it works, they all know if they like they can come to ours on the off year, im easy either way ( cant go to my sisters as she runs a orphans xmas for all their friends that have no family or place to go on the day ( her husbands family does theirs on boxing day, no clue why)) it works for us and means every 2nd year we dont have to put up with the bickering and snarking when we are all together ( half them like to sit on their asses and have their holiday while the rest of us work all day long getting dinner etc done not having a holiday, throw in a few very forceful personalities and it can get very dramatic!) Good Luck with what ever you both decide

oh btw if hes not great at cooking... do small.. but the day b4 (or even the 23rd), early in the morning get everything ready to go, use small foil roasting pans ( throw them out after) prep vege and meats and place all in the foil pans that they will cook in, ( i can fit 4 pans in the oven at the same time) i put the meats in oven bags and in the pan, the veges in snap lock bags with water overnight, also in the pan they will roast in, i prep the custard for the trifle and jelly ( do that in a flat cookie sheet or ice cube trays) and brandy sauce etc, i make jamie olivers get ahead gravy days ahead, anything you can do early do it, on the day i get up and start putting in the meats ( we have 2 and a ham for later ) and then when dont i take them out and place in warming drawer and do veges, all i really have to do is whip cream on the day and place the pre-sliced fruit on the pavlova and heat the xmas pudding, my day is relaxed and non stress where as the same thing my "home" is drama filled its like herding cats!