Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandfather slated 12 year old girl

176 replies

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:17

My sister has just been here sobbing.
I have never seen her so angry or upset, she could barely breathe and I am feeling really choked for her.

She was at my parents house and my df whom suffers from mild depression took it upon himself to rip into my niece whom is 12 yrs and very quiet and sensitive girl at the dinner table.
He commented on her weight, her hair (said it was greasy, it definitely isn't, she just styled it differently) he said he clothes look second hand from a charity shop (she was wearing ripped leggings which are fashionable these days) and said she was stupid and dumb. I am not sure how my sister got out of the house without a serious fall out, but she called me last night and has been here today, she is so distressed I don't know what to say to her.

I have since called my mum and she confirmed that it all happened, and she was crying and saying she thought df was just joking. Clearly this just isn't funny. My niece is mortified and wounded and refusing to see him again, she was already scared of him before as he has a temper and keeps screaming at the family dog. At this age you have to be so careful about eating disorders etc. She is really skinny already and def does not need to lose weight.

What can I say to my sister, my mum, should I speak to my Dad? My sister has just been through two major operations and has another one coming up, she has quite a few serious health problems. This is the last thing she needs. Any advice please - thanks

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 10/10/2017 13:42

I don't actually think an apology from him is appropriate, because it won't be meant, and he will likely do it again.

Original poster
littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:43

The dog is the family dog and now lives with my dsis so is really well cared for, and she had taken the dc and dog with her to see my parents.

He kind of flips out over small things almost constantly and seems to be very angry alot of the time for reasons I just don't know about. He shouted at the dog something about muddy paws and made a huge fuss about it even though the dog was still standing by the door and hadn't ruined anything.

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 10/10/2017 13:44

Apologise to your sister? What about dn?

Original poster
littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:46

We can see my mum without my dad, but it is a lot of driving for me (not so much my dsis) but it is doable.
We did this once before when my sister was seriously ill in hospital and he refused to drive my dm to see her. After that we didn't speak to him for nearly a year. I don't think he cared either way if I am honest, but my dm was heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:47

Grockle yes my father wants to apologise to my sister about his outburst but I don't think she is anyway ready to accept any kind of apology and I don't think there is anything he can do to make up for this, it is too serious.

OP posts:
Pemba · 10/10/2017 13:48

How horrible, the old bastard. Poor DN! - she must be kept away from him, and I wouldn't let him see any other grandchildren either.

Does your mother really want to leave him, do you think? Does she need support?

I know you say he was always horrible, but behaving so weirdly to a grandchild is quite unusual I would have thought. It makes me wonder if it could be the first signs of dementia, how old is he?

GrockleBocs · 10/10/2017 13:48

Shock wouldn't drive your dm to see their daughter in hospital? That's not normal.

toriah · 10/10/2017 13:49

Could it be a sign of dementia?

just5morepeas · 10/10/2017 13:50

I'd make sure that you try and support your dn, and if you haven't already, tell her how he has always been like this, that he used to be abusive to you too and that it isn't anything that she has done - expect perhaps growing up and showing independence that he didn't like and felt the need to assert himself and "put her in her place"?

I wouldn't let any of the kids see him again - if they have to, I'd always make sure I was there with them myself so we could leave if he started anything like this again.

But honestly, if he's always been like this I'd go nc with him. Try to see your dm alone, invite her round to stay so she gets a break from him if you can.

But you don't owe him anything. You reap what you sow. He hasn't acted like a decent human being, let alone a loving father and grandfather, so doesn't deserve to be treated as such.

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:51

HE sounds horrible love and fancy not driving your mum to see their poorley daughter. Sad

I would cut him off to be honest and protect your self and advise your dsis to do the same.

He can’t thrn hurt another generation. Maybe by seeing you and your sister being strong may help your mum to be strong too and leave the nasty bastard.

Original poster
littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:51

My father is seventy years old.

I think my mother needs support but I can't force her to leave if she won't. I have told her she can live with me, she will be very well cared for with me or my dsis, but she won't go.

If my mother had the confidence I think she would leave him, but she lost her confidence along with every shred of fight years ago. I worry about her a lot, because it could be the tip of the iceberg. I don't live close by so I can not check on her.

This has errupted because of the way he spoke to my niece and seems to have caused a real rupture in the family.

I thought we could paper over the cracks and the past.

OP posts:
thisgirlrides · 10/10/2017 13:51

I think the only way your dn is going to come back unscathed from this is by getting together with all the kids & your dsis and having a really honest & open conversation. They need to hear from you that he is an abusive & horrible man, how you should have cut contact years ago as you sisters have experienced his temper too many times and that you will never put them in that situation again. Complete NC is the only way forward and I really hope you can persuade your mum out too Sad

InsomniacAnonymous · 10/10/2017 13:51

"We did this once before when my sister was seriously ill in hospital and he refused to drive my dm to see her."

Oh my god, what a disgusting creature he is! Your mother should have left him many many years ago.

GrockleBocs · 10/10/2017 13:51

Even if your sister was willing to listen, what sort of an example is that to dn about abuse? If a boyfriend abuses her, should a quick apology to someone and it's all swept under the carpet?

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:51

toria

The op says he was nasty wen they were children so guessing not.

theymademejoin · 10/10/2017 13:54

My father was similar when we were growing up. He finally got some help for his untreated depression when my oldest niece (who he adores) burst into floods of tears when he shouted at her. She was 3 at the time.

While he still has his moments, we now all have a very good relationship. He's great with the grandkids and never loses the cool in the way he used to.

You say he's suffering from depression. Would your niece's and sister's reaction prompt him into doing something about it? My father's was severe, rather than mild, but the difference since treatment is amazing.

That said, I wouldn't subject my children to that treatment so if he won't deal with the issues, then you need to protect your children, as does your sister.

Lovemusic33 · 10/10/2017 13:55

I would go NC (you and your sister). Is it possible to have contact with your mother still? You could still meet her for coffee or take her out with the dc's but without father being there?

I have had a few issues with my step dad and it has made things really tricky as him and mum are always together, I rarely take my dd's over there now so he can't bully them or make rude comments, I'm very close to my mum so I have found it really hard having less contact, we still talk on the phone a lot and I take her out on her own when I can (or with the dc's).

averythinline · 10/10/2017 13:55

I would tell your m to stop trying to mitigate his behaviour..
Not sure about the d as she let you and your sister be abused.. He probably doesn't give a shit... Why did you start seeing him again?

Please make sure you can draw the line for yourself and the children sounds like he's just going for the vulnerable.... He could sense she was uncomfortable in herself ...horrible horrible man...

InsomniacAnonymous · 10/10/2017 13:55

OP can you clarify something. You said your mother was crying on the phone and saying that she thought your father was just joking. Did she say nothing at the time he made this comments and seeing how upset your sister and niece were? Did she even laugh because she thought he was joking? I'm trying to imagine the scene.

BitOfANameChange · 10/10/2017 13:56

My dm is stuck in the middle and always has been.

No, she hasn't. She's being abused, as you all were and are. But she always had the choice to do something about it, such as pulling him up, etc.

I left a relationship, where abuse took place towards me and the DCs. It is hard, yes, but can be done.

Please do support your DSis and DN, they really will need it. My own DD is suffering from anxiety and Depression and maybe something else, she has been unable to go to college. My DS is also having counselling and has self-harmed as a result of the abuse.

They'll come through it, but in your case, it's better to try and avoid the problems arising in the first case. So, Low/No contact both for DSis and DN, and also you and your DCs.

Your father knows exactly what he's doing in making these comments, all abusers do.

Cracklesfire · 10/10/2017 13:56

It sounds like consistent bullying & aggressive behaviour which he's reined in for a few years while the DGC were small but now they're older they're fair game.

I'd go low or no contact. If you have to be in the house to see DM don't engage with him. This is a situation completely of his own engineering and he deserves no sympathy. DN needs to see that this kind of behaviour won't be tolerated.

pinkingshears · 10/10/2017 13:57

OP we have a neighbour like this.
He shouted so badly at us once that my poor dd crawled under the car to get away she was so frightened.
He apologised - to my H, stiltedly, 2 days later -his wife made him.

A few months later he was leaning over my garden fence screaming in my face about some sort of 'transgression' I had supposedly committed. I told him I was on my property and he was being abusive and i would call the Police. He laughed and asked 'what a girl (like me) could do?' (I am 49 and built like the proverbial brick toilet). He apologised again. I told him not to bother, but to keep away from us. I went inside and shook and cried for about an hour.

I know both his DIL and his wife. they all say 'that is just how he is'. Shock Only because he has been ALLOWED to be .

Don't let your niece become a victim for reaching puberty Angry

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:58

MMmm he doesn’t sound depressed to me he sounds like a mysogynistic bully who has been allowed to dominate and humiliate his wife and daughters and now sees a granddaughter becoming a woman and he’s perpetrating the same abuse.

You can’t save your mum op but you can protect your children and your sister can too.

That’s your job.

Original poster
littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:58

My biggest concern is for niece. I remember being cut down as a child and I know how much it hurts at this age. I hate him for this. He is supposed to be the one person that loves her, loves all of his gc unconditionally and with a good heart and he has killed off that relationship (possibly with all of them) in one dinner sitting.

I have told my dsis that I support her one hundred per cent, and I will not be seeing him either. I am afraid to take my dc there to be honest.

Tonight we are driving over to see my dn and to talk to her about this, and she needs to know this isn't her fault. My dsis has also spoken to my dn at length, and she is close to both my sister and brother in law so is supported, and they are great parents. We can't change what he said. Nothing can change his vile words and it feels like nothing now will be the same again with our family. That sinking feeling.

OP posts:
guilty100 · 10/10/2017 13:58

You need to call your mother and ask if this sort of thing is happening regularly. Make it clear that you are seriously alarmed, that it's done terrible damage, and that it is completely unacceptable. Stand with your sister and make it clear that the two of you are singing from exactly the same hymn sheet on this one. Your sister would normally deal with this, but given her health situation, it sounds like she needs support.

I would personally confront my father if he did this too and ask what the hell he was thinking. It sounds high time some lines were drawn in your family.