Grandfather slated 12 year old girl

[littlebird7]

My sister has just been here sobbing.
I have never seen her so angry or upset, she could barely breathe and I am feeling really choked for her.

She was at my parents house and my df whom suffers from mild depression took it upon himself to rip into my niece whom is 12 yrs and very quiet and sensitive girl at the dinner table.
He commented on her weight, her hair (said it was greasy, it definitely isn't, she just styled it differently) he said he clothes look second hand from a charity shop (she was wearing ripped leggings which are fashionable these days) and said she was stupid and dumb. I am not sure how my sister got out of the house without a serious fall out, but she called me last night and has been here today, she is so distressed I don't know what to say to her.

I have since called my mum and she confirmed that it all happened, and she was crying and saying she thought df was just joking. Clearly this just isn't funny. My niece is mortified and wounded and refusing to see him again, she was already scared of him before as he has a temper and keeps screaming at the family dog. At this age you have to be so careful about eating disorders etc. She is really skinny already and def does not need to lose weight.

What can I say to my sister, my mum, should I speak to my Dad? My sister has just been through two major operations and has another one coming up, she has quite a few serious health problems. This is the last thing she needs. Any advice please - thanks

[GrockleBocs]

Insomniac I'd guess the dm is conditioned to excuse verbal abuse as joking or 'for her own good' or 'something she deserved'

[pinkingshears]

Sorry, the face is for HIS behaviour, which HE ALONE is responsible for.

But please support your niece, and any other family members who have also recently become aware how bad he is.

[Theresamayscough]

pinking do call the police next time.

[Theresamayscough]

OH the usual abusers line is,

you wind me up

[Seeingadistance]

Why are people saying it could be dementia?

The OP has said that this is the way her father has always behaved. He is an abusive and controlling man.

If he was younger people would be suggesting autism.

Some people are quite simply abusive arseholes.

OP, I am so sorry. Now is the time to protect the next generation.

[littlebird7]

InsomniacAnonymous

It is a good question, and one I asked my dsis, what did my mother say during this whole thing? Nothing. She said nothing.

I asked her on the phone why didn't she stop this going on, and she said she didn't hear it.

ffs

[littlebird7]

I love my Dad, even with all his faults, even when he when he was hitting me with things, I still loved him, I still do.

I was hoping that once we had our own children this would change our family. We would finally have a loving normal family like everyone else.

As much as I am sad for my dn, I am also broken hearted that he could smash our family up like this again. I am so so angry with him.

[Theresamayscough]

to be honest he’s lucky his sil isn’t kicking his door in to give him a punch in the face.

Afraid that’s what my dh would be doing If that was our dd.

[littlebird7]

pinkingshears That sounds just like him and you are right he has been nice to the gc for all of this time, now they are growing up he has changed.

[BitOfANameChange]

OP, of course you love your dad, children grow up conditioned to love the people they are dependent on.

But as the saying goes, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Your dad will never change, it's who he is.


And your mum has to rescue herself. But she may not now want to do so, being too worn down.

[bumblingbovine49]

I was about to ask if your niece is his first grandchild, but you then mentioned that your children are younger than you sister's and that she is the first GC.

From what you say, he has always been borederline abusive to women. but that he has up until now been OK with the children.
Your niece is probably now (in his eyes) crossing out of child territory to more gown up/woman, so he feels like he treat her like this.

I would defintely cut down contact at least and make it clear to him that if he ever spoke like that to her again, I would cut all contact.

The fact is though that your niece is less likely to suffer sifgnificantly from his behaviour, just for the fact that he is the grandfather and therefoe has less influence/affect on her life. It is you and your sister who have to deal with effects of his behaviour to you as children and now. Standing up to him won't be easy but if you and your sister can do it together, it might be easier.

[Theresamayscough]

Op many children who have been horribly abused by their parents still love them.

[littlebird7]

Thank god my bil was not there, and my sil is not well enough to be up for punching him but she is in bits. I think it is the last straw for her. Up to now she has put up with him.

[guilty100]

littlebird - do you post on the Stately Homes thread? If not, you should maybe head over there.

The thing is that some of us just have to accept that we don't have the kind of normal family other people have. We never did have, and we never will have. I think until you accept that as a fact, and go through the necessary grieving process for it being the case, you're going to struggle with this. It sounds to me as though you and your sister have basically been trying to avoid dealing with the appalling way he treated you growing up, to try to build a healthier relationship for the future - but until you really see who he is and what he has done to you both, you can't really do that, and you put the next generation at the same risk of harmful behaviour.

[contrary13]

littlebird - your mum's an adult; she's responsible for her own choices, concerning her own life. So are you and your sister. Your children and your nieces/nephews, however, are children - and need/will be looking to you/your sister to protect them from people like your father.

I grew up in an abusive household, where my parent was abusive - in all of the same ways you have described above - because her father was abusive to her. I understand how difficult it is. And no, your mother probably won't leave - because she will have been conditioned by him/society of past decades to stay. To put up and shut up, I think would be an accurate phrase.

But you and your sister are adults. You don't have to put up and shut up... and you shouldn't, for your own sakes, but also those of your children.

Your poor niece. Now is when your sister and you need to show her that women don't have to tolerate such abuse, simply because it's from a family member.

[bumblingbovine49]

Sorry, op after reading the rest of the thread, I would say that you father is not borderline abusive at all, he is just plain abusive

[littlebird7]

bumbling That is a good point, I will tell my dsis this, as it will go a long way to reassuring her, she is worried he has damaged dn in the long term, she was talking about nothing else.

I am not surprised as our childhood was hell, and we both developed eating disorders when we were young, the last thing she wants is for her own child to end with one.

[Theresamayscough]

SHE doesn’t have to stand up to him and neither does her sister.

She just needs to withdraw from him and protect her family especially the children.


He was trying to dominate and humiliate fresh meat ie his niece as she’s becoming a woman who might challenge his authority.

[littlebird7]

Contrary

I couldn't agree more, we will not allow him to continue with this, it stops now.
This thread has made me realise that all hope of a relaxed family life is impossible with him, he will always let us down and behave badly and we will protect the dc by removing him now from their lives. If he genuinely loved them he would not have done this in the first place.

[Theresamayscough]

I Think you might have to be totally honest with your niece about your childhood and tell her that her gran didn’t say anything to defend her because she’s frightened of him.

And cut all contact with him. Anything less will model bad behaviour to her regarding women’s attitudes to abusive men.

[Mittens1969]

Your father is an abusive twat, OP, and misogynistic. You minimise it because it’s all you know. And possibly because of his mild depression, you make allowances for him.

It was like that for me with my father when he was alive. He had Parkinson’s so we all made allowances for his ‘idiosyncrasies’ and ‘bees in the bonnet’. But in the case of my DSis and me he was guilty of SA, but we repressed those memories for years. I ignored the fact that he made my skin crawl and I couldn’t bear for him to be around me.

My DM minimised his behaviour as being because of his illness and his medication and we went along with it. (She didn’t know about the SA, though.)

Your father has shown his true colours with his behaviour towards your DN. You all need to act on that and go NC. This will be very hard for your DM, though.

[Itsallabitwoowoo]

I too loved my father dearly when I was growing up but as I got older I realised that he was actually quite toxic (controlling, verbally and at times physically abusive to my mother, drunk a lot). I very rarely see him now, nor do my children. Having no grandfather involved in your life is better than having a toxic one. You must reassure your niece that she is gorgeous, not fat, her hair is lovely etc - they are so self conscious at that age and it does not take much to tip them over and into an eating disorder/self esteem problem. Maybe do something all together to spoil her a bit, make her feel a bit happier?

[Theresamayscough]

I bet he wouldn’t have dared say this crap if your bil had been there.

Men like this are afraid of other men. They just bully women.

[MoosicalDaisy]

I will only add: stick to your guns, cut him out and keep him out, at 70 he won't change.

[MinervaSaidThar]

I'm so glad to see you supporting your niece, OP.

When my brother became verbally abusive and started to exclude me, that wasn't what hurt the most. It was the fact that none of my siblings supported me and kept quiet for an easy life.