AIBU to ask what you would do if you found these texts on your DPs phone?

[AlohaMolly]

I had 'a feeling' a few weeks ago and snooped in DPs phone. I know, shouldn't have done it.

However.

There are flirty, chatty messages to a woman who lives across the street. She's single with two boys a couple of years older than my son with DP.

For background, me and DP haven't had sex for around nine months (DS is 16 months) and previously DP has told me he just doesn't fancy me, so I'm assuming that's why we haven't had sex. I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace.

This woman lives across the street and is friendly with DP, has spoken to me etc so she does know I exist.

One night a few weeks ago, as part of an ongoing otherwise chatty message conversation, she said 'so when are you going to bang me? I know you want to.' He replied 'bloody hell! Where did that come from?'

WOman - 'Come on, I've seen the way you look at me. Would you if you were single?'
DP- 'if I was single... yeah'

A few nights later

Woman - 'I'm thinking about the what ifs now'
'I've seen you checking out my boobs and my legs'
DP - 'well I'm only male!'

For context, just before I found out I was pregnant I caught him messaging two women - never anything overtly sexual but definitely crossing the line for me. We talked about it and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong but we both agreed to set it aside and start with a clean slate almost because of the pregnancy.

These latest texts have rattled me. I feel awful. What would you do?

Unless his response 'please don't contact me again ' and blocking after the first message, and he had previous, I'd be LTB....

I would be thinking about whether the relationship has a future.

Not just those messages, but his previous messages to other women and his comments about not fancying you. All together, it doesn’t sound promising.

What are the positives and do they really outweigh those things?

Of the two women he was messaging previously, one of them blocked him when she found out about me. The other he still has on his Facebook, despite me knowing about her and that she sent him naked pictures.

I'm a mug for staying aren't I?

*unless his response was.....
Sorry this is happening op

Im sorry but hes done it before, he is doing it again, you are snooping on his phone (cant day i blame you but still) this is not a healthy relationship or how one should be IMO.
Pull him up, tell him its not on, tell him to go. Treat yourself, get your hair done maybe, just focus on yourself.
Surely youre better by yourself than with someone who steals all your self esteem

I'd screen shot them all and send them to myself and then confront him.
Due to past behaviour, can you ever trust him again?

Oh dear OP. He sounds like he has no respect for you. Being single would be better for your wellbeing, than being with this sad excuse of a man.

I'm recovering from quite severe depression that was partly PND and partly I'm pretty sure brought on by dealing with an illness DP got that was quite debilitating for a while when DS was very very little, so I ended up sort of being his career too. I'm also on the verge of handing my notice in in order to get a job with fewer hours to be around for DS more. Those are a fair few of the reasons that I'm sticking around...

Being his carer too

Oh op
He sounds awful -not just the texts, but the not fancying you stuff. You sound really unhappy. I think you need to confront him with the texts and ask him where you go from here. Do you want to leave?

Re screenshotting - I took pictures so they're on my phone. I have fantasies of adding her on Facebook and then posting the pictures and tagging them both in it, and then I realise I shouldn't do that and I don't have the guts anyway

Sorry op you deserve to be treated better than that especially if you've already discussed it. Pack his bags and drop them over the road at her house. Let her have him. Doesn't sound like he's worth fighting for.

Oh OP
I think you know the answer to this one

I don't want to leave. I want my DS to grow up with his daddy who he adores and we make a great team, or so I thought. I love where I live, I love that living with DP means I can afford to work just a few days a week. I did love DP, I do I suppose, I definitely Italy don't like him very much at the moment.

You'll only be a mug if you continue to stay. It's ok that you gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Think of how you would respond to a message like that. I know if it was me I would immediately let them know just how inappropriate their message is. You need to be with someone who treats you with respect.

I know it's easy to say LTB but from personal experience of throwing away my entires 20s for a man who didn't respect me and treated me badly and cheated I think LTB is pretty good advice. You can not trust him, you never will. He has previous anyway but now he's getting his thrills and willing to risk his family for a walking vagina.

Also the "I'm fat and frumpy and basically a disgrace"? You'd be surprised how motivated you can get to change yourself for the better when you don't have a fuckhead in your life bringing you down.

DP owns the house, he bought it before we met, I'm not on the mortgage. It'll be me and DS that have to leave and I'm not in the financial position to find a deposit etc etc

Which I know are all just excuses.

Meh, she’s hit on him, he’s intimated he isn’t up for it as he’s married. I certainly wouldn’t leave over this. I would though speak to him, he’s probably flattered. She’s chucking herself at him.

He said if he was single, yeah, he didn’t say even if I wasn’t single. He also exclaimed surprise at her coming on to him. Yes he should have blocked immediately but for me, he hasn’t responded in kind, and he’s probably just hugely flattered by the attention .

Ahh I'm so gutted though. I also wasted my late teens/20s in an abusive relationship and found the guts to walk away... to current DP who boosted my confidence no end until we found out I was pregnant and that he would have to grow up. I'm so gutted I'm in this position yet again.

This relationship is over, I think he's only staying with you for the kid. You need to get rid of him asap before he destroys your self confidence. Put your baby in the pram and get out walking and walking and walking and get healthy again. You deserve to have a good life not be treated like shit by this man.

Your son can still spend time with his dad and still adore him when he's not living with you both making you feel shit about yourself because of his cheating and generally selfish actions. As times goes on this will bring you down and it will have a knock on effect on your child.

My DH had something similar happen and replied with something along the lines of "Wtf, how dare you say something like that to someone you know has a partner. Do not ever contact me again".

Your DP's responses say it all.

Your son will still have a daddy. Your life can be better without him. You really need some respect for yourself- I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Bluntness those are the things I've been telling myself - it was her not him etc etc but knowing that she knows I'm here and sees me with him every day and yet she still messages like that makes me feel like shit. He's actively eyeing her up, she must be laughing at me... oh X is so hot he wants to fuck me, poor bloke trapped with that fat cow. That's what my internal monologue is now.

If one of my male friends had said that to me I'd have told him to back off, unfriended and told DP.

I get what you mean bluntness but it sounds like him texting their neighbour (cliche ) is just another smackdown on OPs self esteem he doesn't sound supportive or loving at all.