AIBU to ask what you would do if you found these texts on your DPs phone?

[AlohaMolly]

I had 'a feeling' a few weeks ago and snooped in DPs phone. I know, shouldn't have done it.

However.

There are flirty, chatty messages to a woman who lives across the street. She's single with two boys a couple of years older than my son with DP.

For background, me and DP haven't had sex for around nine months (DS is 16 months) and previously DP has told me he just doesn't fancy me, so I'm assuming that's why we haven't had sex. I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace.

This woman lives across the street and is friendly with DP, has spoken to me etc so she does know I exist.

One night a few weeks ago, as part of an ongoing otherwise chatty message conversation, she said 'so when are you going to bang me? I know you want to.' He replied 'bloody hell! Where did that come from?'

WOman - 'Come on, I've seen the way you look at me. Would you if you were single?'
DP- 'if I was single... yeah'

A few nights later

Woman - 'I'm thinking about the what ifs now'
'I've seen you checking out my boobs and my legs'
DP - 'well I'm only male!'

For context, just before I found out I was pregnant I caught him messaging two women - never anything overtly sexual but definitely crossing the line for me. We talked about it and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong but we both agreed to set it aside and start with a clean slate almost because of the pregnancy.

These latest texts have rattled me. I feel awful. What would you do?

People might disagree but it seems to me your self esteem is on the floor, you are not a disgrace! There might be issues between you and your DH might be excited by the obvious come ons from your neighbour but in his defence he replied if I were single..
.and she persisted despite this. Could it not be resolved by a heart to heart? Tell him you've seen the messages, you're hurt but you want to try to work on your relationship. I don't go in for seeking evidence or confrontation just speak to him. It may be the end of the line but it might be the wake up you both need to work on things together.

I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong, frankly. She came on to him and he didn't take up on it.

I can’t believe that there are actually a couple of people on this thread who think that the DP hasn’t done anything wrong.

By the way, OP, you sound so lovely and I wish you felt better about yourself so that you could tell him to fuck right off.

AlohaMolly I am so sorry this is happening.

I think your first 'job' is to get your self esteem back. If that means leaving him then do it, if that is what you want. If staying helps you to do that, then do it.

I think if you can access any assertiveness training or counselling (you may be eligible under NHS due to post natal depression etc), then get some help.

You've said a lot of negative things about yourself, called yourself a lot of unkind names, please stop doing that . It's not going to help you. You are an amazing and incredible woman. Your dp chose you and you've now produced an amazing baby out of your body.

Not everyone can do that, it is fucking amazing.

It does also tend to leave a lot of difficulties around afterwards, added weight etc. And maybe some of this is what is making you feel bad about yourself, but there may be other things like your not feeling like you can trust him. Plus your not so dear partner's thoughtless comment.

Can I play devils advocate for just a minute? Did he really say he no longer fancied you? Was this after you both stopped having sex. Or was it before?

Could any of this be his way of trying to deal with the lack of sex in your relationship? Pretending he doesn't care. You said he was very ill and you cared for him. That can change the dynamics of a sexual relationship, so can suddenly becoming parents.

Yes he has behaved very badly with the text messages before your child came and again now. But as far as you are aware he has not actually cheated? Could you have a conversation in which you attempt to make things right between you, and ask him to do the same, for your sake, for his sake and for your child? Do not stay just because of your son, but stay if you can make it work, maybe?

Could you honestly talk about the lack of sex and perhaps lack of affection (hugs, kisses, intimacy etc).

" I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace." is this what you say to him, or imply, do you speak down to yourself around him? I know it is hard but I think this in itself may be part of the issue because you don't like yourself at the moment. You sound like you are suffering from a bit of depression, (post natal still maybe?) and maybe this is making your relationship harder too.

Believe me I am not condoning your partners flirty texts at all, but I think there is lots going on in the relationship which is not working well as well as this women making trouble.

I am not sure that he is trustworthy to be honest but I do think you may wish to see if this relationship is worth saving before you leave.

If/when you do leave you know he owes you maintenance and to help provide a roof over your son's head and he needs to stay in his son's life. In one sense you will be tied to this man for your life because you have a child together, tied in the sense you will need to interact with him. But you will need to make your own way too. I think you need to work all this out, get your ducks in a row.

Sadly, at the moment you are full of self loathing and so not in the right place to stand up to him or fight your corner. You do need some help and you need to feel better about yourself.

The flirty texts are not on, you are right, they are bad. But if you want to make a life with your partner and child and for this to change you need to feel confident you are worth it. Whether he is worth you, that is another matter and only you can decide.

You are NOT a disgrace!
You are someone who has been through a lot, has a small child, a partner they don't trust and hideously low self esteem.
Please don't sit making yourself even more unhappy.
I would sit down with him and talk frankly. This is make or break now. He needs to convince you that he will cut contact with anyone who acts inappropriately, and more importantly, he will start acknowledging how fucking fantastic you are, how you've supported him.
I'm not giving you a LTB yet, just a 'don't rule out LTB if he doesn't shape up'
As for her the emotional side of me would want to storm over and throw a bucket of water over her. The petty side would block out her name then post the texts on Facebook in a 'omg how funny and sad is this' for all to mock.
The slightly more sensible side, I'd calmly ask her to stop flinging herself at him as it's embarrassing for all concerned. Then smirk and saunter off. What a prick of a woman.

Send that message but on Facebook!

I would've flipped out at my DH instantly if I saw any message like that.

Stage 1. Ask to go on morgage. Start a new diet and excercise plan. Not for him for you it will help with confidence for stage 2. Stage 2 Kick his shitty ass to the curb.

It’s his fault not yours. He’s the one in the relationship with you

Quite a few people seem to be saying he hasn't done anything based on the messages. However, has he been over to her house since then? If he has then he has almost certainly taken her up on her offer.

Oh wow poor you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. How awful.

It makes me so sad that you are so negative about yourself. You sound like a lovely person. Please don't blame yourself.

The only people to blame here are your revolting neighbour and your husband for not putting an abrupt end to this.

Urgh men actually make me sick. How could he not find that repulsive.

My cousin went through a similar experience with her husband who did eventually cheat on her. She now feels it was only a matter of time. He was often caught flirting with women.

I think you need to have it out with him and maybe think about getting some counselling for your self esteem. I don't say that in a judgmental way, I have low self esteem myself and have in the past been in a relationship very much like yours. Fortunately for me I didn't have a child with my ex but i still feel damaged by it twenty years later (although I can assure you it does get much much easier with time).

Sending you lots of love and I hope this horrible situation gets resolved x

Quite a few people seem to be saying he hasn't done anything based on the messages. However, has he been over to her house since then? If he has then he has almost certainly taken her up on her offer.

Are you Mystic Meg?

If not, don't talk bollocks.

He didn't start the texts but should have told you about them so he was in the wrong there.

However, given you saw nothing wrong in snooping on him, there's obviously little trust in the relationship which is a bad sign.

However, you comment you wouldn't like you son to behave the way he has but yet appear to see nothing wrong with "I love where I live, I love that living with DP means I can afford to work just a few days a week". I'd be more upset if my daughter thought that attitude was ok than a man not mentioning a women had tried to come onto him.

Not doing anything but responding to the messages that isn't requesting those messages to be stopped is him feeding the problem - and that makes him guilty. You don't have to be physical to be unfaithful. He is encouraging the other woman, who is equally to blame as it's hard to believe she doesn't know the situation, by continuing the conversations in regard to her 'fancying him'.
He has also been emotionally abusive by telling you that he doesn't fancy you. In essence, it's almost like he is staying with you for easiness of seeing his son, having things done for him whilst he 'has his cake and eat it'.

It's so easy to say LTB but in all honesty it isn't.

You really need to confront him with this and talk about how you distrust him, how he is not committing himself to your relationship, the family and that due to past behaviours this is now putting huge doubt in your mind as to whether to carry on with the relationship.

This won't stop UNLESS you confront him. Doing so can go two ways; he will declare he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you OR he will apologise, stop communicating with this woman and seek support to build the relationship you do have.

But being friends on FB with women you have flirted with and living opposite one who has admitted to him that she wants to 'bang him' isn't going to be easy. A move may be what is necessary.

He has told you he doesn't fancy you anymore and you've caught him messaging other women multiple times.

The first is enough of a reason to leave him, the second cements it.

You need to get strong and work on your self esteem. You deserve to be treated well and with respect.

Sorry but your son will pick up on your unhealthy relationship in the future. Kids aren’t stupid and will realise something isn’t normal about their parent’s relationship when they see you upset, disrespected and potentially cheated on by his dad. They will see their friends with happy parents etc...don’t use your son as an excuse to not end things or have it out. Your son will respect you more in the future.

I think you need some time by yourself, rebuilding your confidence. You can’t rely on your partner for the majority of your confidence & self esteem

I won't lie, he is in the wrong and I would be gutted, but if I were going to leave him, the reason would be because he is cruel, told you he doesn't fancy you, the intimacy is gone in the relationship and he's snuffed out your self-esteem.
Back to the texts: I rarely blame 'the other woman' but in this instance, she is definitely more out of line than your partner is. She's getting a kick out of toying with a taken man, using him for an ego boost and planting seeds in his mind for her own fun. The nasty bitch needs telling.

The PP who said she'd be more bothered if she had a daughter who thought 'that attitude' was ok... you've twisted it to make me sound like I'm some sort of gold digger. I'm not. How many women would say they love their lifestyle until they found out something about their partner they dislike? Aside from the depression, I genuinely thought I had the majority of the life I always wanted with the man I wanted until recently. I thought we'd put negatives in our past and woupd eventually go back to having sex once his illness and my depression had sorted itself out.

I do need to work on building myself job - I've recently found a decent therapist so that's something positive.

I am really very cross with her... I just don't understand the logic behind it.

It is, I'm sure, largely down to my self esteem that this has hit me so hard. She's not even that pretty (I know that's a horrible thing to say) but I just feel so shit about myself that it's reinforced my belief that I'm just not good enough.

I am a good mum and it's been very hard over the last two years. thats what's particularly galling about the fact that he didn't just shut her down straight away, because I basically worked myself into the ground looking after him and a newborn.

Screenshot everything, even Facebook and use it in a divorce case if you need to. My bro used 'the bitches' screenshots of Facebook that she left open , she was having an affair with our cousin.

So sorry op.
I think your relationship has taken a bit of a beating from all sides: PND, new baby and illness has really stretched your roles as a new family. In an ideal world, you would be discovering your roles as parents. Instead you are parents, patient and carer with a baby in the mix. No wonder everyone is feeling less than good about themselves. How are you supposed to be lovers too?

He probably feels down himself if he has been ill, and taking on a caring role for him (it can really kill passion taking on what can be seen as a parent role) has put you in a weird relationship space. Tart across the road is trying her luck and he is probably finding it a bit flattering, but not necessarily something he would act on. Again previous messaging behaviour would also put me on high alert, but you have to try to not react on prior relationship experience (I know... so so difficult, I am a victim of the green eyed monster). Was this also when he was ill? It may have been ‘safe’ flirting.

I know I would like I am making a million excuses for him, but I think there have been far too many LTB, so just for balance.
This is not the end, but needs work from both sides- recognition of where you are coming from, accepting the others feelings and trying to find a common direction to move forward.

Personally I would confront her. Her behaviour is desperate and destructive. Potentially putting the lives of your family in to turmoil is not the way humans should behave. Back. The. Fuck. Off.
#stern face and pointy finger

With him admitting he doesn't fancy you... it's a matter of time. At least it wasn't him who approached and made a move on her.

The text isn't the worse thing... guys have said they'd want a relationship with me if I were single... admittedly not as raw ad 'banging'...

It's the fact of him not fancying you any more.

I encourage you to work on your self esteem. It will take time ..
But hopefully you'll find a man who cares for you the way you truly deserve.

Leave. The. Bastard. You will have a miserable life with this man - up to you of course but id choose anything over this. Also, I can see you are disappointed with the other woman but, with respect - if your dp has such an openly roaming eye she probably thinks you know and have made the choice to put up with it. Which you have as you mentioned the previous 2 women. You didn't leave then so why would he not do it again? He knows you accept it. Woman over the road might want to shag your dp but i bet she's glad she isn't stuck with him either.

I disagree with the tart across the road comments - she may well be a deviant tart etc etc but women instinctively know when attention is welcomed or not - sounds like he gave her all the go ahead signals. I would actively hate any man who disrespected me like this. Been there once and never again.

Oh OP

He sounds like an absolute arse. And she sounds like a desperate slapper (not used that word in about 20 years but feels apt).

Sorry, but I’d say LTB. But not actually based on the messages alone (although they are bad enough) but on the fact that (if I understood this correctly) he calls or treats you like/makes you feel like you are fat/frumpy/a disgrace. He is not worthy of you, kick his slack arse out xx