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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what you would do if you found these texts on your DPs phone?

129 replies

AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 18:50

I had 'a feeling' a few weeks ago and snooped in DPs phone. I know, shouldn't have done it.

However.

There are flirty, chatty messages to a woman who lives across the street. She's single with two boys a couple of years older than my son with DP.

For background, me and DP haven't had sex for around nine months (DS is 16 months) and previously DP has told me he just doesn't fancy me, so I'm assuming that's why we haven't had sex. I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace.

This woman lives across the street and is friendly with DP, has spoken to me etc so she does know I exist.

One night a few weeks ago, as part of an ongoing otherwise chatty message conversation, she said 'so when are you going to bang me? I know you want to.' He replied 'bloody hell! Where did that come from?'

WOman - 'Come on, I've seen the way you look at me. Would you if you were single?'
DP- 'if I was single... yeah'

A few nights later

Woman - 'I'm thinking about the what ifs now'
'I've seen you checking out my boobs and my legs'
DP - 'well I'm only male!'

For context, just before I found out I was pregnant I caught him messaging two women - never anything overtly sexual but definitely crossing the line for me. We talked about it and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong but we both agreed to set it aside and start with a clean slate almost because of the pregnancy.

These latest texts have rattled me. I feel awful. What would you do?

OP posts:
nutnerk · 09/10/2017 19:08

You obviously don't want to leave... marry him, get on the mortgage asap and then just live miserably for a few years until your kids are older and you can leave.

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 19:10

nutnerk I am the original stupid cow that has been assuming we would be getting married until I came across the messages. I know I need to leave, but it's fucking hard to build up the courage when youve been so low and have no savings.

OP posts:
littlebird77 · 09/10/2017 19:14

OP, why are you putting yourself down so much? You need to be on your own side ffs. You deserve and must know that you do not deserve to be ignored for 9 months sexually. That alone would make me want to leave him unless there are good reasons for his lack of interest (and there might be) but ignoring you whilst flirting with other women is completely and utterly unacceptable.

You don't need to leave, but you do need to sit down and talk openly and honestly with him. No beating around the bush, look him in the eye and tell him you are thinking of leaving, the relationship is lacking in most areas, he has no respect for you and you feel you would be happier alone. See what he says. I would mention the other woman as crossing the line and ask him to ignore her from now on, explain the consequences of his continued dubious contact with other women.

You will know your answer within a week. If he deletes it all and stops then you know there is some hope, if he continues, then really need to leave this man. Get your self respect back and enjoy your life being you.

Nquartz · 09/10/2017 19:15

Can you get to Citizen's advice to find out what benefits you'd be entitled to! Or do an online calculator thing? If you work part time you might be entitled to benefits to top up your income

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/10/2017 19:16

Oh op. I'm so sorry.

I think deep down you already know the answer but it's too scary. Plus you have all these wants and desires for your DC to have a lovely happy family

Hand on heart - do you see that really?

Your dp can still be a dad if you aren't together. But if you stay and this continues, what kind of mum will your DC have? Because it's bound to affect you.

Take care. Do you have friends in real life you can talk to? We'll always be here too. Flowers

MsWanaBanana · 09/10/2017 19:18

Op, in the nicest possibly way, get a backbone and stop putting yourself down. It's easier said than done, I know, but you need to stop believing you're fat and ugly. You deserve so much more than what he's giving you. Fair enough she started it, but he didn't stop it. He should of immediately shut her down kept his distance. He seems to be enjoying the attention and is just looking for a reason to take it further. You'll be walking on eggshells wondering when it's going to happen. Just leave and start a better life for you and your son

IsThisAJoke · 09/10/2017 19:20

Do you want your son to grow up with this disgusting excuse for a man as a role model and to think women should be mugs like his mum?
FFS! Leave the fucking arsehole!

Bananmanfan · 09/10/2017 19:20

You were totally justified in looking at his phone to confirm your gut feeling, given the circumstances. Do not apologise to him for doing so.

IsThisAJoke · 09/10/2017 19:22

Sorry if that was harsh and I know how hard it is when you feel so very low but you really need to put your DS first!

confusedwife84 · 09/10/2017 19:22

Does he know you know??

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2017 19:24

She’s behaving terribly yes. And in a perfect relationship he’d have said “ I love my partner and will block you now, never contact me again”. He has not cheated as far as I can see, and he has basically said no not as I’m married. Tell him you’ve seen thr messages and to stop now.

I’d be pissed too, but I do also understand how if he’s flattered he might be enjoying the ego boost with no intention of being unfaithful to you.

If you’re only leaving the relationship due to this, I’d think long and hard. And no she’s not laughing at you, becayse he’s shown he would rather be with you than her hasn’t he?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2017 19:25

Sorry he’s said no as I’m not single.

mumofthemonsters808 · 09/10/2017 19:26

If it wasn't the woman across the road , it would be some other female. This type of man encourages and enjoys female attention from outside the home, if you allow him to, he will eventually turn you into a jealous, insecure, shell of your former self.He will destroy your self confidence and by the way you describe yourself he appears to have already done this.Only you know the way forward.

Booagain · 09/10/2017 19:27

Sorry this is happening to you OP. But I agree with a lot of people on here - those conversations are 100% WRONG from both your partner and this woman (brazen by the way, doesn't even cover it!!)
Pull him up on it and see what he says/does. If you think it's headed for the chopper, then leave. Your son shouldn't grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat a woman. He needs a good role model and that blue print isn't it.

Iamahppy · 09/10/2017 19:30

He's an asshole but she's a fucking bitch - is there a local Facebook page you could post her messages on ? What sort of woman makes a play for a known married man (with a 16 month old) that way ? Not that that absolves him of any responsibility but still !!

waterrat · 09/10/2017 19:34

Op you aren't a great team. You are a great mum and he is not a good partner to you. Your son needs strong female role models and he needs to be modelled happy honest relationships.

Please don't say you are staying for your son. If you really want it to work get counselling - but please, please don't throw your life away on a man who doesn't fancy you.

Brandnewstart · 09/10/2017 19:36

Get some legal advice about the house OP. Look into tax credits. My eldest has additional needs so I only work 3 days. I get low rates DLA for him but I also get about £3000 top up on my tax credits.
My ex had an affair which I suppose made it easier because it was black and white BUT what your partner is doing will whittle away your self worth. It's not worth it. You are so much better than that!
Take care x

Brandnewstart · 09/10/2017 19:38

Also my ex is a good dad, and although it is hard not being with them all the time, I have no worries when he has them.
I have a new partner now and feel cherished. Don't we all deserve that!?

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 19:39

He doesn't know I know.

Bluntness I absolutely get what you're saying because it's what I'm saying to myself BUT this isn't the first time there have been borderline involvements with other women, which leads me to believe that she hasn't just said it out of the blue and that she's done it based on signals he's given out. He goes across the road to have a beer with her and her friends etc. I wouldn't carry on doing that if someone had messaged me the same way - it undermines my presence.

I'm also angry with her.

I would be mortified if my son grew up like that. I need to get my shit together don't I

OP posts:
Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 19:41

Iam I know right?? Where's the fucking sisterhood there?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 09/10/2017 19:41

I don't understand what he has done wrong apart from the 'I'm only male!' comment which is stupid but not LTB worthy, he's knocked her back...

Get some legal advice about the house OP

Legally she has no claim unless she can prove that she has paid a considerable amount towards the mortgage.

Adviceplease360 · 09/10/2017 19:41

It's easier said than done. If I have understood correctly, you have two boys by two fathers and have been through an abusive relationship. It sounds unlikely you will leave as you say there are many benefits to staying. I would play the long game, marry him and then divorce a while later,at least you and your kids won't have to be in unstable rented accommodation.

OnionKnight · 09/10/2017 19:43

I would play the long game, marry him and then divorce a while later,at least you and your kids won't have to be in unstable rented accommodation.

He's done nothing but he deserves to lose his house?

Hmm
Brandnewstart · 09/10/2017 19:44

Umm going over to her house for beers?? I know what you mean about your son turning out like him, feel the same about mine x

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 19:44

Advice noooo I have one child with DP GrinGrin

I absolutely would not be 'going after' any money or the house or anything like that! I don't think I'm really the get married with an eye to divorce kind of person either... if I'm going to 'play a long game' it'll be because I'm saving money and securing somewhere to live and possibly plan a very public exposure

OP posts: