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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask what you would do if you found these texts on your DPs phone?

129 replies

AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 18:50

I had 'a feeling' a few weeks ago and snooped in DPs phone. I know, shouldn't have done it.

However.

There are flirty, chatty messages to a woman who lives across the street. She's single with two boys a couple of years older than my son with DP.

For background, me and DP haven't had sex for around nine months (DS is 16 months) and previously DP has told me he just doesn't fancy me, so I'm assuming that's why we haven't had sex. I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace.

This woman lives across the street and is friendly with DP, has spoken to me etc so she does know I exist.

One night a few weeks ago, as part of an ongoing otherwise chatty message conversation, she said 'so when are you going to bang me? I know you want to.' He replied 'bloody hell! Where did that come from?'

WOman - 'Come on, I've seen the way you look at me. Would you if you were single?'
DP- 'if I was single... yeah'

A few nights later

Woman - 'I'm thinking about the what ifs now'
'I've seen you checking out my boobs and my legs'
DP - 'well I'm only male!'

For context, just before I found out I was pregnant I caught him messaging two women - never anything overtly sexual but definitely crossing the line for me. We talked about it and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong but we both agreed to set it aside and start with a clean slate almost because of the pregnancy.

These latest texts have rattled me. I feel awful. What would you do?

OP posts:

keepcalmandfuckon · 10/10/2017 00:50

Christ the amount of bad advice on this thread.

Yes I would LTB over this. He may not have slept with her but he has knowingly crossed boundaries. It’s inexcusable. He should never have gotten himself into a situation where he was even texting this woman.

You are not a great team OP. You don’t have sex, he tells you he doesn’t fancy you, you feel fat and have low self esteem, he cheats (yes if my partner was texting other women in this context I’d consider it cheating). You’re the only member on this team. He has no respect for you.
He can still be a good dad without being a relationship with you. It is much better for your child to see you healthy, happy and single then to see you miserable and being disrespected.

Coastalcommand · 10/10/2017 05:30

I'd be tempted to spend time getting yourself in a better financial and emotional position, and maybe getting your physical fitness back too. Squirrel away money a bit at a time for your deposit. Then I'd leave him. But do it in your own time.
Oh, and stop caring for him too. Gradually do less and less for him and concentrate on yourself. You can do this!

Coastalcommand · 10/10/2017 05:33

If you want to bring it to a head at any point, and you have his phone again, message her back along the lines of "thanks but I'm really not that into you". Childish maybe, but fun to imagine her face when she reads it! xx

BackInTheRoom · 10/10/2017 06:59

If your DP was happy with you, he wouldn't insult you or be messaging the OW. In time, their messages would become more sexual and then they'd probably DTD. If I were you, I'd use this injustice to get myself fit, in a better mental position and explore your financial options THEN confront them with what you found. Good luck OP. 💐

thegirlupnorth · 10/10/2017 07:11

What bibidee says and in the meantime keep a close eye on him when he goes over the road, or at least try to stop it. And try to let her know you're into her.

Sancerresanwine · 10/10/2017 07:40

I want to keep reiterating that some of the advice youre getting on this thread is shocking.

No you don't continue in a relationship with a man who is cheating, unless getting your ducks in a row to leave soon. Yes, sexual messaging on FB is cheating. No it's not ok to be told you are not fancied. No it isn't the fault of the 'slapper' over the road.

What else is he doing or saying to annihilate your self esteem?

You are not trapped and you CAN have a better life without this heart ache , fear and misery!

Flyingprettycretonnecurtains · 10/10/2017 08:31

Why is he going over to hers for beers? He should be looking after his child while you start whatever fiitness training appeals to you. Or is getting fit together something you could do. You've become separate and need a way to reconnect as you've had two major changes in your lives - a child and his illness. You've become a mum but not only to your son but to him too in your carer duties. You can't go backwards because you will always now by child's mum but you do need to reclaim partner status and I think you do that via communication, doing stuff with him.

He did reject this woman and seemed a bit shocked that she was initiating sex. There is no doubt that he liked the attention and positive affirmation - who wouldn't and I can understand why you are so hurt when you've done so much for him but to leave him now? Hmmmm, I think that's a massive leap without giving something else a shot first (and allowing yourself to put money aside).

I would have a convo with him but don't tell him you've seen the texts. Say that you feel fat and frumpy. You've noticed women giving him the eye. You think this puts him in a difficult position and you don't want that for him and you. You'd like to get your mojo back. You'd like to lose weight, get fitter, share an interest. How can he help with this? If he is uninterested, just meh about it then that is your answer and then it is about when you chose to leave. If, however, he shows some enthusiasm and is positive then take him up on suggestions and start getting your mojo back.

Good luck. You sound lovely so go and project that loveliness.

justilou1 · 10/10/2017 11:10

I'd be making her life in the neighbourhood HELL with that kind of crap going on. Surely it's time to share these messages with the local gossips. WHAT A BITCH!!!

Your partner obviously has issues too. I don't think I'd trust him either.

DonkeyPunch88 · 10/10/2017 11:14

I’d probably be really quite tempted to pop over and knock on her door. Very politely ask her to stop messaging your partner, tell her it’s not acceptable and if she wants to be a complete slag can she please do it with someone else. If you’re really sweet about it it’ll probably freak her out more than if you kick ten bales of shit out of her

Original poster

AlohaMolly · 10/10/2017 15:44

I properly wound myself up last night to the point of tears, so I added her and implied I knew what she'd done without actually saying it, then I confronted him without telling him I'd been through his phone and told him the whole thing was humiliating and disrespectful and that I deserved better. I've worked really hard for him and us over the last two years and I am worth so much more than he is giving me. I brought up the lack of sex and said I didn't know whether it was purely because he just doesn't want me or to do with everything else that has been going on, but that he has to decide whether he wants to be the family man and treat me the way I should be treated or if he wants to be the kind of man that continues to 'banter' and shag random women.

OP posts:

KarateKitten · 10/10/2017 15:53

What was his response Aloha? I don't think you were strong enough in what you said. You have given him a choice which won't exactly lead him to respect you more, even if he says 'I choose my family'. I think you should have kicked him out and told him straight you'd seen the messages.

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2017 16:10

OP I think your response to him was totally right. You told him how you felt and that you are worth more.

Who is the one not wanting sex? Him? You? Both of you? Invoke things will get better. If that is what you want.

People are very full of their own ideas here on mumsnet. I don't think flirty texts are at all good. But of that is all then he has not cheated yet.

It's really your call whether you can move on from this or not, together.

You definitely deserve better treatment than this.

Please find some support for you. For your own sake. Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2017 16:11

I hope not invoke!

Original poster

AlohaMolly · 10/10/2017 18:49

I have had no interest in sex at all over the last few months, but he has a higher sex drive than me anyway. When he told me he didn't fancy me it was at the height of his illness BUT we haven't had sex since then really. Maybe once.

It's all a bit of a mess, but I do think/hope there's something worth saving.

OP posts:

mustresistwine · 10/10/2017 18:55

I've been in a similar position to you OP

I tried to work through it, was scared of leaving, putting the children first etc

Thought we'd improved things but found myself in the same situation again a couple of years later

You deserve better

lildevon · 10/10/2017 19:00

Yes! Don't waste any more of your precious life.

missiondecision · 10/10/2017 19:16

For fucks sake.
Act like a door mat and someone will wipe shot all over you.
Tell him to piss off.
Put his clothes on the door step of “she who wants a banging” and get some self respect.

missiondecision · 10/10/2017 19:17

Shit not shot

AhNowTed · 10/10/2017 19:20

Mission way to go to knock someone when they're already on the floor.

OP I hope you get some answers, peace and respect. I hope he comes crawling.

Meanwhile I'd be telling herself to fuck off.

BackInTheRoom · 10/10/2017 19:25

Mission, really 🤔

OP, maybe you lost your mojo because he said he didn't fancy you?

Motoko · 10/10/2017 23:35

What did he say?

justilou1 · 11/10/2017 10:37

Would also be tempted to let OW know about his mental health problems and describe in detail how much fun it is to be his carer..... (And how much money there is in it, if she's really keen..... )

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 16:25

"It's all a bit of a mess, but I do think/hope there's something worth saving." If you think there is something worth saving that is your choice and you can act on this, but only if you get your confidence and self worth up.

Now you have explained that he said about not fancying you while he was ill, that does put a different spin on it.

mission "Put his clothes on the door step" It's his home too, the OP cannot kick him out just because he sent a flirty text!

They have things to work on, it may be right to do that, it may be best to get out of the relationship now, that is the OP's choice, but throwing him out would not be fair and I would imagine the OP's partner would rightly think that was an over the top reaction. There is no way that my dh would be able to throw me out over a flirty comment!

Original poster

AlohaMolly · 11/10/2017 17:39

Nobody is throwing anybody out!

He said he agrees I deserve respect, he wants what I want etc so I suppose that's good.

OP posts:

CoveredInFondant · 11/10/2017 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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