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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what you would do if you found these texts on your DPs phone?

129 replies

AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 18:50

I had 'a feeling' a few weeks ago and snooped in DPs phone. I know, shouldn't have done it.

However.

There are flirty, chatty messages to a woman who lives across the street. She's single with two boys a couple of years older than my son with DP.

For background, me and DP haven't had sex for around nine months (DS is 16 months) and previously DP has told me he just doesn't fancy me, so I'm assuming that's why we haven't had sex. I am fat, frumpy and basically a disgrace.

This woman lives across the street and is friendly with DP, has spoken to me etc so she does know I exist.

One night a few weeks ago, as part of an ongoing otherwise chatty message conversation, she said 'so when are you going to bang me? I know you want to.' He replied 'bloody hell! Where did that come from?'

WOman - 'Come on, I've seen the way you look at me. Would you if you were single?'
DP- 'if I was single... yeah'

A few nights later

Woman - 'I'm thinking about the what ifs now'
'I've seen you checking out my boobs and my legs'
DP - 'well I'm only male!'

For context, just before I found out I was pregnant I caught him messaging two women - never anything overtly sexual but definitely crossing the line for me. We talked about it and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong but we both agreed to set it aside and start with a clean slate almost because of the pregnancy.

These latest texts have rattled me. I feel awful. What would you do?

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 09/10/2017 19:45

His house which she has contributed towards by looking after his kids and probably majority of housework cooking etc

Brandnewstart · 09/10/2017 19:45

Sorry I meant I worry about that too x

Adviceplease360 · 09/10/2017 19:46

Fair enough, but don't feel you don't have any rights to that house, you absolutely do. Not fair if he keeps the house and eequity and you are in rented accommodation goos luck

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 19:47

Onion that was sort of DPs line when I caught him actively messaging other women before. Because he hadn't physically cheated or, and I quote 'it's not like I asked her to sit on my face or anything' he hadn't done anything wrong... and yet he lied and lied and denied it until he finally told the truth. If it wasn't wrong then why deny it?

This is slightly different but it's in the same vein. It's disrespectful at the least and it very strongly implies he's happy to mess about behind my back, which leads to the implication that he doesn't value me. I find it hurtful that he would think that and even more so that he would allow others to think that.

OP posts:
Icanhearmynebioursshouting · 09/10/2017 19:48

i wish i had loads of money to give you to leave right now, you dont deserve to be treated like that. hes never going to change you should do the facebook thing. humiliate him like he has done too you. have you got family you can stay with ?? till you get on your feet. and her the little slut

OnionKnight · 09/10/2017 19:48

His house which she has contributed towards by looking after his kids and probably majority of housework cooking etc

So, that counts for fuck all.

Do you really think a judge would give the OP his house and make him pay towards it as well as have to live somewhere else because she cooked?

OnionKnight · 09/10/2017 19:49

Hang on, he's messaged other women?

Sorry, I missed that, you can do better than him.

Sancerresanwine · 09/10/2017 19:51

To answer your original question I would not put up with that from either my partner or the woman over the road. If that meant leaving my partner and confronting the woman involved, yes that's what I would do.

Sancerresanwine · 09/10/2017 19:51

Please don't do the Facebook thing.

MGKROCKS · 09/10/2017 19:52

What would I do ,if I found those texts....?? firstly I'd be letting them both know I've clocked them...he'd be getting a warning he's on thin ice,and one wrong move me and ds would be gone..I'd be telling him to think very carefully about his next move..I'd be sorting my fitness out,my finances,and letting him know I'm not willing to be messed about ,and quite happy to be a single mum ,if he takes things further with the slapper across the road.....but no I wouldn't be ending things from a few texts,,but he would be told one wrong move ,and it's over..

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/10/2017 19:52

You need to start making plans to leave, making yourself co-dependent on him is doing you no favours.

Register yourself with housing assoc/council, you can register as 'homeless' if you have no family to move in with temporarily.
Apply for all the single parent benefits and working tax credits that you can, because you can claim separately despite having to share living space temporarily.
Apply for maintenance through official channels if he won't come to an agreement with you.
He could always make things easier and pay your deposit etc but don't hold your breath.

You need to have this out with your partner asap.
I'd be furious no matter what though, i'd have text her by now asking her to explain herself.....then later if needs be i'd share the screenshots on fb if we had mutual friends on there....i definitely wouldn't resist a face to face conversation Grin

Sancerresanwine · 09/10/2017 19:54

And fwiw you are getting some seriously skewiff advice on this thread. No you have no rights to the house. Yes you would need to find rental accommodation. Yes it's better than staying with a serial cheater who strips yourself esteem.

twinnywinny14 · 09/10/2017 19:57

and why exactly do they have each other's numbers??

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2017 19:58

He's put you in an awful situation OP. What are you going to do about it? You're not a disgrace, you're the mother to his child and you supported him when you were vulnerable through his illness. You sound like an awesome strong woman to me.

DearMrDilkington · 09/10/2017 20:05

I'd leave him, I can't be dealing with crap like this though. It'll be shit for a few months but its better than putting up with it for 16+ years.

DragonNoodleCake · 09/10/2017 20:10

I think she's desperately trying to boost her own self esteem by trying to get him to say he'd do her. She's not laughing at you. Stop thinking of her, she's not worth your effort.

I think he's also got low self esteem and enjoying the boost. Based on his replies he hasn't done anything but acknowledge her advances. (Which isn't great I agree)

I think you think too low of yourself. X

This is my advice:

Sit down and talk, properly, calmly, tell him that you know and say how it makes you feel. Ask him how it made him feel. (His answer might help the discussion) Consider counselling, if he agrees you have a chance. Learn to see each other as more than the other parent.

If he doesn't openly talk, is mean or refuses counselling then you have your answer.

Bananamama1213 · 09/10/2017 20:12

I would text her off your partners phone and just be like "hi, this is **. would you mind backing the fuck off DP. thank you"
Part of me would want to do it, but not tell him. So when he next uses his phone, he'd see that you know.

Also why on earth does he have someone who has sent nude pictures on his Facebook?! That person should be blocked!

Pinkvoid · 09/10/2017 20:13

For starters, why does he even have her number? Secondly the fact he didn't immediately shut her down with a "I have a partner, piss off" and also perhaps inform you of what happened says it all really. How do you know they're not still texting now?

I know LTB is easier said than done but you'll almost guaranteed feel 100x better in yourself if you do. Telling you he doesn't fancy you? Get rid!

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 20:16

I was strong, absolutely, but I'm not at the moment.

I just want to reiterate that should I leave I wouldn't be out to take anything from him at all.

I'm quite sad about, I feel a bit humiliated, quite gutted that women are as disappointing as men and just utterly exhausted at the prospect of having to yank myself up with my bootstraps again, but if it comes to it I will.

I do know that it will come to it as well.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 09/10/2017 20:16

Do exactly what Banana said.

Original poster
AlohaMolly · 09/10/2017 20:16

Oh and as far as I'm aware they only message each other through Facebook, not actual phone numbers.

OP posts:
Ijustlovefood · 09/10/2017 20:21

Asshole. Don't put up with it.

AhNowTed · 09/10/2017 20:22

She is at best fishing for compliments, and worst actively pursuing your husband. Tell her to fuck off, seriously.

I would be fucking furious

PowerPantsRule · 09/10/2017 20:23

i am with bluntness though I know this isn't a popular stance.

He is actively fending her off and says he is not going near her because he is married! I would absolutely not be leaving him over this. OK so he has form, but isn't this message declining sleeping with her a sign that he has changed? Could you not look at it like that?

I do think you need to up your self esteem.

maxrayeseth123 · 09/10/2017 20:23

What a dreadful situation to be in, I have had my fair share of cheating fuckers in the past (in fact, I was a bit of a rat magnet in my youth)Hmm Thing is you can't keep making excuses and burying your head in the sand op...it's making you deeply sad and no-one deserves to feel like that. You are going to have to adress the issue one way or another, everything happens for a reason (cliche, but TRUE) maybe this is about you moving on to better, happier times? How long are you going to allow yourself to be destroyed by this shit? Can you go stay with someone temporarily? I bet he'd get the shock of his life if he came home to an empty house and a note telling him why. Maybe it's just what he needs to focus his attention back on you? Good luck Flowers

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