DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

FGS why do people always wheel out the "have you tried" herbal shite with acne? It is not fair game for that. It needs proper medical treatment. The reason doctors use 'toxic" things is because they work by and large. And can pevent or lessen lifelong psychological trauma and scarring.

Back to the acutal question, OP, some rules are stupidly applied and stupid application of rules should be challenged. Your poor DD. She must feel awful.

And if there was bullying, that needs to be properly and very theoughly addressed.

At first I thought yes yabu but then I googled it as you suggested and I think I’ve chsnged my mind. It’s a tricky one.
Your poor dd - my ds has acne but nothing like as bad as the images I saw, he’s not being bullied about it as far as I’m aware and he’s declined medical intervention ie go appt to discuss it.
I think the way forward for you is to speak to the headteacher and discuss it, find out where your dd can go if she’s upset ie pastoral care, and like you said she can take some cover up for the future.
She shouldn’t have walked out of school and perhaps they have to punish her the sane way as others.
I do wish her and you well though and hope that she gets help for her skin.

She left the school in a distressed state after being bullied and immediately called her parent. That isn't the same as bunking off for fun and the school ought to be able to use their discretion a bit. I hope the bullies are being punished.

OP. I'm usually on the side of the school on school issue threads but not this time, I completely agree with the above here.

I remember running out of school away from my bullies and not stopping until I'd reached a phone box . Yes I know I shouldn't have done it but very scared children (I think we sometimes forget secondary school age pupils are still just that - children) do irrational things.

I'd be wanting that meeting and refusing to let her do the detentions until they have told you how they have dealt with the bullies. Discussing the safeguarding issue of them not even realising she was missing until you phoned (if I got that right) and what support they can offer your DD.

Yanbu. And she wasn't being unreasonable in the first place.

Not gonna lie my main reason for posting is to offer makeup advice 🙈.

Foundation wise I would reccomend vichy dermablend. It's one of the highest coverage foundations going and it's brilliant. They also sell a concealer and you can get them from boots. I would also reccomend purchasing a setting spray. Urban decay all nighter spray is amazing but any will do. Letting your daughter take a small makeup bag to school and teaching her to do this makeup herself would be really beneficial. If you haven't already watch this tutorial:

Best of luck to you both and I hope she can get the tablets she needs soon can't imagine how awful it is for her ❤

I wouldn't tolerate this from the school. Yes she shouldn't have bunked off, however I can totally understand why she did.

I have two teen daughters and I would have told them to go home too. I would prefer them to do that then disappear for the afternoon.

Are the girls who were bullying better be in detention also? I'd be demanding to know what the punishment was for them.

It can be really tough for teenagers and some girls can be awful to each other.

Sounds like there is a lot going on here, that needs addressing.

I work in a school, and I have to say that our behaviour policy is very black and white.

What I would say is to go to the meeting, raise your concerns about the bullying incident, and the reason behind your daughters absence, and query whether the 3 detentions/report is standard for an unauthorised absence.

It’s a tricky one, as unless someone witnessed the bullying, it is your daughters word against the other students, and then your daughter leaving school is the behaviour that is being punished.

And speaking from experience at our school, if we “gave in” to every detention etc that was contested it would cause more and more students/parents contesting the behaviour policy, which in turn as you can imagine would cause a bit of a nightmare.

I do hope this gets sorted, that you get a reasonable answer and that the school can provide support for you daughter.

OP's DD was distressed and therefore not thinking clearly. Schools reaction is to punish first - ask questions later. The "punishment" would be more acceptable and indeed more effective if this was the other way around.

And speaking from experience at our school, if we “gave in” to every detention etc that was contested it would cause more and more students/parents contesting the behaviour policy, which in turn as you can imagine would cause a bit of a nightmare.

If the behaviour policy wasn't so black and white and could be applied with common sense, perhaps you wouldn't be flooded with challenges. Most parents are happy to back up schools with their behaviour management if is applied appropriately.

Schools who dish out sanctions without ever considering the reasons behind the behaviour, having conversations with pupils or investigating incidents properly, like the one mentioned who would put the victim of an assault in isolation for reporting it, deserve their policies to be challenged.

Your poor DD; she shouldn’t have bunked off of course but she was in a distressed state. That would have been a humiliating experience for a teenager, the condition sounds horrible.

I think the school should have used their discretion, personally, in view of the fact that it was a first offence and there certainly were extenuating circumstances. Maybe 1 detention as there were safeguarding issues, but advice about where she should go when distressed, some kind of pastoral care?

Hope you get a satisfactory response from the school, OP.

I am appalled by all the people whi say that she wasn't bullied. It says in the OP:

She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

Someone even linked the definition of bullying, saying it wasn't bullying while by the definition it was social bullying. Namely, embarrissing someone.

All of you who don't believe this to be bullying should have a long think if you might not have been someones bully. Because that behaviour was not acceptable.

Totally agree blackcat

This thread points out the people who have never been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour.

It's awful. Teen girls can be absolute bitches. All it takes is to be laughed at and whispered about to destroy your confidence.

Hoping for an update op

Simply putting a different perspective forward.

No where did I specifically state that I felt OP daughter was completely in the wrong, and as I stated there are several points that need addressing with this situation.

@Goldmandra possibly the wording on my previous post came across as off, I was not implying that OP is in the wrong for contesting, just simply that sometimes people will contest regardless. All schools have behaviour policies, I would like to think that if something like this happened at our school we would look into the whys etc

I’m only halfway through the replys but I haven’t seen this mentioned yet.
I would be calling it a medical absence to the school. She went home to sort herself out and let you know what was going on. In much the same way if she had an accident while on her period and needed a change of clothes.
Do not let the bullies get away with it either.
You have the Doctors involved. Let the school apologise to her.
I might meet them part way and allow her to do 1 detention but what they have set is rediculous and without knowing the full facts.

I would like to think that if something like this happened at our school we would look into the whys etc

OK that makes a lot of sense

As a one-off incident I think the school are being overly harsh.

It is a situation that can now be explored with an aim to avoiding it happening again. Taking make up to school in case it needs redoing etc.

They should have offered support and looked and future solutions rather than punish. At the most, a talk about not walking out would be appropriate and who to go to for support instead.

To the posters who claim that name calling and teasing don’t constitute bullying, I expect you’re the ones who used to say, ‘sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.’ But that’s just not true, words can break a child’s self-esteem.

Laughing at someone and pointing does constitute bullying imho. We don’t know whether it happens to the OP’s daughter a lot, maybe it was a one-off, in which case it was more a case of her being self-conscious about her appearance and panicking. But if they laugh at her skin condition a lot then yes that is bullying.

The poor, poor girl

It is good you are meeting the school.

I would not make the detentions the focus of the meeting. That will just put you into immediate confrontation.

I would make the fact that she was made the butt of unkindness, taunted, the focus. and how the acne affects her mental health and confidence.

I would also work with your Dd on some strategies. If anyone speaks to her like this and she feels upset, go straight to a member of staff.

Get help within the school, rather than running.

She needs to respond in a way where it is made worse for the perpetrators, not her,

Hopefully the school will see sense over the draconian response, and address the issue with the way she was treated by others.

I don't want to undermine the school, but I do think my DD is different from the students who bunk off to go shopping yet she has the exact same punishment.

They have to apply the same sanction and it really isn't that different.

DD should not have left, she should have brought the bullying to the attention of a member of staff.

Make the meeting positive with a plan for what DD can do and what the school can do.

At the moment they know she bunked off and that you supported her, they are tight to ask why.

They have to apply the same sanction

No they don't. They could apply common sense.

Kids lose parents.
Kids lose all their belonging to a house fire.
Kids are abused.
Kids have relatives put in prison.
Kids are bullied terribly.
All these I have encountered whilst working in a school. None of them mean a child should run out of school. All of them mean a child may require a safe space outside of lessons and some extra support. Kids can't just run away from school. They really can't.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable. Your daughter walked out of school because she was being bullied. Surely they should be asking what is wrong with their bullying policy that your daughter felt the only solution was to walk out of school?

I had cystic acne as a teenager, and it ruined my self confidence completely. Aside from that, it isn't just a cosmetic issue, it's bloody painful too. I did roaccutane though and it is the best thing I've ever done. The only advice I can give is if she does go on it watch out for her mood. I don't believe it causes suicide but it did make me much more teary and easily distressed. Just keep an eye and make sure she knows you're there for her. It doesn't sound like that will be a problem, you sound like a really lovely understanding mum

all of them mean a child may require a safe space outside of lessons and some extra support ops daughter obviously didn't feel she had this, or anyone in school to turn to, that's the fault of the school not the child IMO

If the school has been so unutterably crap that not one adult in the school could be relied on in a crisis then I would expect to have dealt with that before now. Or pulled my child out.
Kids can't run out of school. They need better coping strategies. This was a horrible situation and I have no doubt the OP's child felt utterly terrible. But the school have rules to safeguard the kids.

I suspect that this is a newish condition that the OPs daughter is dealing with and that neither the young woman, the OP or the school really had a sense of how much this was affecting her; and that as yet no conversation has happened with the school about it.

I imagine that a well behaved diligent student would have to be extremely distressed to get to a place where they just have to leave. We've all made mistakes like that. Why should she be punished for a crisis. Awful.