DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

I'm torn on this- on one hand it's a one off so a little bit of an overreaction. But on the other hand, it's coming into winter and there's going to be a hell of a lot more rainy days so they might be trying to make sure it doesn't become a regular every time it rains as well..

Nope, she was terribly distressed and there was no-one in place to offer her support or a place of safety given that distress. The school has failed her.

I would not go along with the punishment. She made an error, but she hasn't truanted. More like she went home sick - after all you rang in and reported that she would be absent.

I also agree people were unkind to her but it was not bullying. She will need to become more resilient, no doubt, but in this case I would be supporting her and asking for a meeting with the school before their draconian measures are implemented.

She left the school in a distressed state after being bullied and immediately called her parent. That isn't the same as bunking off for fun and the school ought to be able to use their discretion a bit. I hope the bullies are being punished.

I really agree with this.
I would go to school and take a co-operative approach.
Take a photo of dd without make-up, or a generic one from the internet to explain cystic acne.
Ask if they can put into place a safe place for her to go if necessary as she gets so distressed. (this is quite common in schools, there should be a student welfare office or sick bay or similar)
Ask if the girls who bullied her have been found and if the school is taking action.

She may need to suck up some or all of the punishment, but if she feels secure that the school has a plan, and she knows where she can go to be safe, it will help her to return to school.

My daughter wouldn't be doing any detentions. That's it. I get all the reasoning about why she can't just walk out etc and with all that in mind, we would have a discussion and make a plan for the future - emergency make up etc. I'd certainly go to the meeting and talk it all through with the school etc but no detentions or punishment.

The op said in her second post that their is a councillors office available.

I think it’s a big jump to go from her leaving to assuming no support was available in School. She could well have (rightly or wrongly) just chosen to go home rather than accessing the support.

I think it’s a big jump to go from her leaving to assuming no support was available in School

I don't think anyone has said that there was no support available in school. I'm sure that all schools have support of some sort available.

The point is that the DD was severely distressed and felt unable to access that support. This is what the school needs to address.

I'm Head of Primary in a school which has 2-18 years old.

Honestly, I'm on the fence.

Of course, children shouldn't have been laughing at her although, with years of cynicism, I'd wonder if this was blown out of proportion and exaggerated by a self-conscious child.

Despite wanting to shout in the face of anyone who says "safeguarding", there are implications for a child leaving the school without staff being made aware.

I think 3 detentions is over the top for any 'offence'. Beyond one after school in quick succession, other punishments such as internal suspension would be looked at. I think that one does seem justified. At 14, she should have understood that simply leaving school isn't acceptable.

It's just 3 x 1 hr detentions. It's annoying but it's small beer compared to the uncontrolled infection that is the bad acne. Why make giant row with school when you could use that same energy more productively. She needs spare make-up in her bag& ways to apply it quickly but effectively, etc.

I read holyshet as suggesting no support when she said

ope, she was terribly distressed and there was no-one in place to offer her support or a place of safety given that distress. The school has failed her.

I so sympathise with your daughter, this was me too. I suppose going to the teacher before walking out would have been the best course of action but totally understand why your daughter did walk out. I'd say, have a word with the school calmly, tell the truth about her skin. Then if they hold with the punishment, try and get through that. Onward and upward and all that. Glad to hear about the Roaccutane, that was the only thing that help me in the end.

I really feel for your dd...I agree with those who say that she had reached the end of her tether...
It sounds like she was unable to do anything apart from get away.

Those criticising....have you never been pushed to that place where you feel “fuck it all”, and give no thought to the consequences because you’re that upset? Lucky you!

I would argue (very nicely!) that detention isn’t the correct way to go with this, but more appropriately, put a plan in place for your dd so that if she reaches that place again, she knows of a safe place to go to find support.

I wish your dd well with the new treatment...it was suggested by a Dr for my ds, but his mental heath is too ropey to risk the side effects.

Honestly I'm surprised so many people agree with you. I think YABU

So sorry your poor daughter is suffering.
Her her to a Chinese herbalist, they can sort out even severe acne .
look them up in the phone book, there one in most towns.

Sirzy - the implication to me is that there wasn't support, or that she - in her extreme distress - couldn't access it. Same difference.

In any case that the school and OP has perhaps not had a conversation about how her daughter is dealing with a disfiguring condition.

In any case I would have thought a punishment that drew more attention to her at a time when she feels vulnerable and exposed enough to behave out of character is inappropriate and humiliating - especially the being on report thing. Her behaviour isn't an issue.

Fuck it I know kids who have sworn at teachers/stolen things/been violent to others who have been less harshly treated (though also kids in isolation for patent shoes and other such petty trangressions)

OP I forgot to say, if the detentions and report are due to be before the meeting my reaction would be to say she would not be attending them until the situation was discussed at the meeting.

catkind yes it's disgusting. I didn't believe her and checked with older dc and other parents who said she was right, it would be "an incident" so both would be punished. I've kept all evidence and if anything else happens will be straight there but have left it for now as she was petrified about me involving school.

Similar happened to me when I was in school with cystic acne. I had such bad skin I'd cover up with foundation before school everyday, in fact I would even wear it if I was at home alone all day. I couldn't look in the mirror most of the time. The headteacher used to force me to scrub it off in the toilets, whilst I was sobbing, because 'makeup isn't allowed'. I had to change school in the end. I don't blame her for bolting, and if any of my children ever get cystic acne I would never punish them for doing the same. I still remember the utter feeling of terror.

I had pretty bad acne and had nLite laser therapy. Please take a look OP - its a life changer.

The only time I ever bunked was to get out of a lesson with a teacher I hated. I was a straight A student. He went a few years later and killed himself when peodiphile charges were brought against him.

Safeguarding is well and good but it must be child centred. Your daughter felt under threat. I think the school should be more understanding.

I had cystic acne throughout high school and was bullied massively because of it. I don't blame her at all. YANBU.

OP, please try some alternatives before going down the dermatologist route, because, for some reason, dermatologists usually seem to prescribe the most toxic medicines. Many years ago a friend successfully treated her dd's ordinary acne with Brewer's Yeast (vitamin B complex) and cod liver oil (Vitamin A). I just googled and there are different vitamin and mineral suggestions for cystic acne, which would be worth trying before opting for a more radical cure.

It's not reasonable for her to just leave school. I appreciate this must be really distressing for her but it is a massive safety issue.

I would be using the meeting with school to get something put in place so staff are aware how bad things are for your dd, get some waterproof make up and make them aware that should it come off she'll need time to reapply it. It's also an opportunity to get the comments from the other children dealt with. Also do they have systems in place if children become severely distressed in school?

Tbh I think the issue of the detentions I'm on the fence about. If she normally well behaved and this behaviour is unusual, it seems a bit harsh. However, if other children are aware of it, they may have no other option but to set an example.

I think there's a few things here.
Firstly people are being very quick to call it bullying. it may be. but the Op hasn't said that she has been being bullied. What she wrote was apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.
Now they weren't doing it when outside, only after the Op's dd saw what had happened. They would have seen it outside before they came in. That makes me wonder if it actually was directed at her. When you're feeling low and vulnerable it's really easy to assess every giggle, every look as directed at you. I've been there myself.
I've also been in the situation where, with a couple of friends as a teen, we saw someone we knew in a state and were trying to quickly discuss how we could help. They realised that we were whispering about them and assumed it was nasty and went up the wall at us.

Second thing is that she phoned on the way home. So the OP didn't have a chance to talk her down, nor did the school have chance to try and help.
If something had happened to her then the school would have been answering difficult questions about how she'd got out.

It is worth talking with the school to find out what the dd can do in that situation, who she can go to to get support.
My dd has major anxiety issues and that is one of the important things for her. I wouldn't condone her walking out of school but if she misses a lesson by being in one of her safe places that is perfectly acceptable.

ordinary acne and cystic are two different things. Have you Googled like OP suggested?

The headteacher used to force me to scrub it off in the toilets, whilst I was sobbing, because 'makeup isn't allowed'. So sorry you went through that, what a cruel thing to do.

Having suffered badly with my skin on and off for years, I can completely understand why she left. I remember hiding in the toilets on a fairly regular basis, feeling (and often being) sick with worry before certain classes because of the comments made by certain fellow students. She didn't just swan off because she didn't fancy being there, and she called you to keep you informed. Technically speaking, this is truancy, but compassion should be had in the circumstances.
I agree that she can't go home every time somebody says something awful to her, but in my opinion, the school should be calling this meeting as a first port of call to make a plan to go forward from this point. They need to make sure somebody is available for her to speak to about any issues (as they should for all students), deal with the rude comments made by those girls, and arrange somewhere for her to store and re-apply her make up in the future when this inevitably happens again courtesy of the Great British Weather.
I personally wouldn't allow her to attend the detentions, and if I had any say, the report wouldn't happen either. That being said, I'd still have the discussion with her about ways to avoid the need in the future wherever possible and take the ideas to the meeting.
Huge hugs to her