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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

416 replies

OverbearingHouseSitter · 09/10/2017 11:22

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 09/10/2017 20:51

They have to apply the same sanction and it really isn't that different.

No they don't.

That's punishing the victim for something they can't help.

Also the PP who said it's probably a new thing doesn't necessarily mean it is, I was a well behaved child who stuck to the rules. The day I ran off, was the straw that broke the camels back.

They'd been bullying me for two years.

AgathaMystery · 09/10/2017 20:55

Your poor girl xxx

sashh · 09/10/2017 22:04

Goldmandra and Jon

But the school don't know the exact circumstances, they have not had a meeting yet, they just know a pupil left the school without permission.

Ragusa · 09/10/2017 23:12

It may help to know also that schools are under a diŕect statutory duty to support children and young people with health conditions. S100 of the Children and Families Act 2014.

Goldmandra · 09/10/2017 23:24

But the school don't know the exact circumstances, they have not had a meeting yet, they just know a pupil left the school without permission.

Exactly. They don't have to do anything.

Sallystyle · 09/10/2017 23:47

I haven't RTFT

I had awful cystic acne as a teen and I still get it now and I'm always on some acne treatment. School life was horrendous for me. People were awful to me about it and it made my life hell. When I was a kid roaccutane was never mentioned to me unfortunately.

I still feel very self conscious when I go into work with a flare up. I don't want to be seen. OP I feel for your daughter.

I don't agree that every first time offence needs a punishment. A discussion about why she did and a talk with the other girls who were arses would suffice. She was clearly distressed and whilst she shouldn't really have walked out she acted in panic and that is not punishment worthy as a one off.

PaleAzureofSummer · 10/10/2017 09:39

When is your meeting with school about it op?

JonSnowsWife · 10/10/2017 10:53

But the school don't know the exact circumstances

It matters not. DDs school has two safe spaces where pupils can go, there is also student services, and an anonymous reporting system.

The crux of the matter here is that this school doesn't appear to have these resources, the OPs DD didnt feel safe enough to remain in school.

And that needs challenging.

Basecamp21 · 10/10/2017 11:24

I think it sets an incredibly dangerous precedent to punish a child for leaving a distressing situation and getting themselves to a safe place ..... and that is what I would be telling the school.

Your daughter had a range of options to choose from and she chose to come home....it was a good choice. Perhaps not the best but a good one.

She is 14 and may not have been emotionally mature enough to think through the options but this is now a great opportunity to help her start that learning process. This may well save her life in the future when she feels confident enough to act when feeling threatened.

Who cares about an afternoon missed from school compared to empowering a young woman to make their own decisions about when they should just leave a dangerous situation.

brasty · 10/10/2017 11:36

But lots of kids who truant are distressed. Whether about school or home.
There will be other options to "get to a safe space".

Basecamp21 · 10/10/2017 12:14

Bratsy- exactly but for this girl this was her first time and was not fully aware of them. This is a learning opportunity not a reason to punish.

If she does it again and again it is a totally different issue - but talking about the options is far far better than blindly punishing a child who acted reasonably but broke an minor institutional rule - not a serious law.

If a child is repeatedly truanting because they are distressed at home or school then punishing them rather than helping to sort out the problems is institutional child abuse.

brasty · 10/10/2017 12:18

I really would not be bothered about the punishment.
I would be working with the school and GP to agree better ways to support the DC. This kind of acne is distressing. And the DC needs at the least better cover up so it does not come off in the rain. And to see if there is any more help GP can give. School should be made aware of this and be supportive.

seven201 · 10/10/2017 12:40

I know it seems harsh but the head needs to be consistent. If others get a similar punishment for bunking off (even if it is to go into town) he/she can't be seen to bend the rules for your dd. They need to tackle the teasing/bullying of your dd though.

Pemba · 10/10/2017 13:09

Seems harsh because it is harsh. And counterproductive. They should apply a bit of discretion and thought.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 10/10/2017 13:12

DD should have acted to remove herself from the situation where she is being bullied, but that doesn't include leaving school premises.
If every child who was bullied in a school decided to walk out because they were upset, I bet there'd be huge numbers missing every afternoon.
The school has to make it clear to everyone involved that walking out is not the right way to deal with this.

rainbowstardrops · 10/10/2017 13:24

Is the OP still not back yet?

Gannicusthemannicus · 10/10/2017 13:37

Could it perhaps be a situation where the sanctions have been doled out automatically, with no knowledge of the circumstances? If a lot of children are bunking off on a regular basis it could be that your DD has been lost in the masses a little, and the harsh punishment is a bit of an oversight.

Then again, as other posters have said, the school can't have one rule for your child and another for everyone else. She should not have left the school, but I think one afterschool detention and a meeting with you to ensure it wont happen again should be enough.

Original poster
OverbearingHouseSitter · 10/10/2017 13:37

Sorry, haven't been back to thread yet but will try and read through and answer questions!

Update currently is: Meeting with the head teacher is tonight at four. DD's punishment hasn't started yet as the school have this new procedure whereby a student on report for the first time has the chance to meet with parents and a staff member to discuss what happened. The punishment will then start tomorrow.

As mentioned, due to the fact I've now also reported the bullying that happened in the changing room, the head teacher is attending the meeting himself. The girls involved in the changing room have already been punished for bullying multiple times hence DD's experience is further 'evidence' against them. Don't want to say too much in case it's identifying, but what from DD has said the school have punished the girls frequently to no avail and are now seeking a more long term punishment, whatever that may be! Is also worth mentioning that although these girls upset DD, they have not picked on her before. She walked out of school due to acne, however it was the girls bullying which made her feel even more self conscious. So a combination of both.

DD can come with me to the meeting, or she can stay. She finishes school at 3.30 anyway. Not entirely sure what is best.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverbearingHouseSitter · 10/10/2017 13:37

Also thank you for all the replies Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
OverbearingHouseSitter · 10/10/2017 13:44

From the replies I've read, I've also come to the conclusion that some punishment is necessary as I realise her walking out is a massive issue. What if there had been a fire right after she walked out, in which case an emergency register would have incurred and she would have been worrying the school until such time that DD phoned me and I reported her as being at home?

DD says she knows she wasn't noted as missing as she walked out at lunch, right after the lesson, and knew she had 40 mins or so to get me to notify school.

So I was thinking one or two after school detentions would be a good punishment.

However, I disagree with the report as these are used for repeat offenders normally. There are columns on uniform, attendance and behaviour. So two of the columns on the report are not applicable to DD as she has never had any issues in these areas and she's made it very clear that she doesn't intend to walk out of school again and has never done so in the past. I think it's more the fact that as I don't see her bunking off again, I don't think she needs the report to ensure she doesn't. She's mortifed that she walked out. I don't think she had any idea how much trouble she would be in and how she does, she would not do it.

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 10/10/2017 13:50

DD has said the school have punished the girls frequently to no avail and are now seeking a more long term punishment,

OP. You need to zone in on that. Tell them whatever strategies they are using are clearly not effective, and ask them what they propose to do instead.

Good luck for tonight OP. Flowers

TiesThatBindMe · 10/10/2017 14:10

Good luck for the meeting. Your poor daughter.

Scabbersley · 10/10/2017 14:28

Does she not have a friend or group of friends that she can go to when she feels like this?

Wonderflonium · 10/10/2017 14:28

Don't bother asking about what they'll do with the other girls. They can't discuss other people's children with you. Good luck with the meeting though!
Agree going on report is a bit of an overkill, unless they think it will show up if she bunks off lessons but stays in school?

Scabbersley · 10/10/2017 14:29

I think you need to go back to your GP and tell her that this is happening. She will be referred to the derm quicker olif it is affecting her mental health.