DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Hold on. She didn't leave because of the make up, she left because they started bullying her

OP specifically said that the child left because she couldn't cope with not having her make up on for the rest of the day.

And that isn't what bullying is.

blackcat has it, in that one sentence she didn't leave because of her make up! she left because they started bullying her.
She is getting a massive punishment because she was bullied. The fact she didn't handle it "correctly" by going to a member of staff shows a failing by the school, not by her. If she felt there was someone she could go to she would have done.
This is what you need to get across in the meeting, it wasn't the make up, it was the bullying, and that school should ensure all students feel safe going to HoY or similar in this situation.
My dd was recent hit, hard enough to badly bruise her, by another student. My dd had done nothing wrong, it was bullying, but she won't let me tell the school as she would get isolation as well as the girl who hit her. I wish I could move her. Sounds like your school is as bad

I would be demanding to know what the school are planning to do with the bullies, and if they dont get the same punishment then I would kick up a major fuss.

This is a medical issue really and should be treated as such. If she had a bad period and went home to clean up then would they have treated her the same way?

YANBU

I would be asking what are they putting in place to safe guard your dd against bullying and what their bullying policy is. I'd also be expecting better pastoral care and a safe place she can access if that distressed.

It's overly harsh punishment under the circumstances but there can't be no punishment either. If she was abducted on the way home then the school would be atleast morally culpable if not legally so they need to address anyone walking off school property.

Good luck with finding a skin solution.

Somebody laughing at you is not bullying. I know the word has been cheapened beyond belief on here with the notion that if anyone is ever less than nice to you they are bullying you, but get a dictionary.

& by punishment there is no reason the school can't taylor it to be something she likes (one of my lovely teachers gave me math work that i loved when i ignored the rules for a valid reason) but i imagine they still have to take action to be seen to impliment the rules.

I don't want to undermine the school, but I do think my DD is different from the students who bunk off to go shopping yet she has the exact same punishment.

If you become unwell during school you leave and go home, and this is really not that much different imo.

This was not my experience. Once registered for the day at school, you are expected to remain there. If something happens, it would be important to let a member of staff know, so that they can deal with the problem appropriately. I agree that the bullies laughing at her need to be dealt with, but how can that happen if the child has already left the premises without raising it with a member of the school staff?

By all means, make sure she has a safe place to go within school if being teased so badly. That is absolutely necessary. I would however not encourage a child to take the unilateral decision to leave the school premises, in any circumstances. I cannot imagine my parents supporting me, if i did, no matter how distressed I was. How would you feel if she had been involved in an accident on her way home, before having a chance to call you. Or as someone has already mentioned, re a fire.

Now that I can have adult conversations with my mother, I know just how upset she was, by having to enforce rules in just this sort of situation. I am glad, however, that she found the strength to do so, I feel that it has improved my resilience. It also gave the school a chance to sort things out, it sounds as if there are a few bullies who need to be stopped.

I might feel differently if the OP explained that the daughter has been regularly bullied by the people laughing at her and that the school have refused to do anything about it.

It is a harsh reaction for a first offence by a normally well-behaved child and while I think some sanction is appropriate I would ask them to reduce it.

I quite agree that the other pupils should be spoken to.

Your DD needs a bag of make-up etc. that she can keep with her, and an agreement with the school that she can excuse herself to go and re-apply concealer if necessary.

Maliciously laughimg at someones medical condtion absolutely is a form of bullying. If kids laughed (maliciously) at my dc hypermobility then i'd be livid.

I don't think laughing at someone is bullying either. It's unkind and mean but not bullying.

My reading was that DD left school property and then phoned the OP. Not that she went into the toilets or somewhere private to phone her mum, who told her to leave school and come home.

If you leave school because you are sick during the day, you have to sign out at the front office. If you leave school early because you have an appointment, you sign out at the front office. You don't disappear out the back door then call your mum to get her to retrospectively authorise you coming home early

Definition of bullying. It doesn't sound like what happened to the OP's DD is bullying, although it was certainly unkind and unpleasant.

there can't be no punishment either. If she was abducted on the way home then the school would be atleast morally culpable if not legally so they need to address anyone walking off school property.

Does everyone seriously believe that the only way to change a child's behaviour or to address a misjudgement is to punish them?

Teenagers are generally capable of adapting their behaviour as a result of conversations and explanations. Sanctions are not always the most effective way to manage behaviour and not the most appropriate response to a first offence. They are less time consuming than finding out the reason behind the behaviour and addressing it so I understand why schools use them but they are by no means the only or best option and they are often ineffective.

If secondary pupils were laughing at a child with a disability that effects bladder control who wets themselves and those pupils know the effects of this childs disability then that would be bullying. It's not any different. Maliciously laughing at a medical condition or disability is a form of bullying.

If it were younger children who didn't know any better it wouldn't be.

7 pages and the Op hasnt come back

Gold i don't, and i don't punish my dc at home personally (has asd and other disabilities so we use different techniques) but ms schools mostly use systems of punishment or consequences and they need to be seen to put those in place. From what i remember from working in them. (Dc goes to a special unit attached to ms so can't be sure that's still the approach).

None of the schools I've worked in would have handled this this badly.

If a normally well behaved child had walked out of school there would have been a severe talking to about putting herself potentially at risk and a big chat but certainly no detentions and report.

From experience some teens walk out all the bloody time and need massive pastoral care but a situation like this where it is unusual I would expect more concern and care as to why rather than punishment.

I hope that once you've spoken to school and explained what happened OP they lift the punishment.

IMHO I think the school need to explain where someone can go if s/he's upset about something (not just your daughter - any child). Schools I have worked in have exactly that. Whether adults think it a huge or a trivial problem, teenagers can get very upset about things that happen at school (or upset in school about things that have happened outside), and they definitely need to know there is somewhere/someone they can talk to, safely. Many kids don't have that outlet at home, so that makes school even more important. Most teachers, overburdened as they are, again IME always have time for a child in distress. We went into teaching to teach, and to help!!

I do feel for your DD OP, and I hope she can get the right treatment. The teenage years are so hard.

It's difficult as she was obviously very distressed and being bullied. However, she was very wrong to just walk out of school without telling anyone at school and I would expect a punishment for that. I think for a first offence I would expect to be called in and explained to that this was totally unacceptable and if it happened again DD would be punished such as excluded for a day. It's good she phoned you but during school hours school are responsible. I don't think its unreasonable to complain or for the school to have set a punishment but I think the key here is to find a solution going forward and make up is part of that but not all. It's very sad she didn't have a friend or staff member she trusted enough to help, you must be a lovely Mum as it was you she wanted but I would want my DD to have someone at school.

I would ask the school if she gets very distressed again what is the acceptable thing to do. I would get my daughter to explain to a staff member what had happened either the teacher or someone in the school office but check with the school. I would also be concerned that she didn't feel able to talk to staff or a friend, doesn't sound good and would be worried about her.

I suffered in my youth and I think your daughter had a fight or flight moment and selected the latter.

The school sounds a bit harsh/lacking in empathy on this one.

If I was still working I'd have invited you, mother, and daughter in for a quiet meeting to see what we could do next time.

I'd have offered use of a quiet corner, our staff toilet and a sympathetic shoulder.

We had a tech block that was out of the main building and could do this sort of thing from time to time.

Being an older member of staff I could send a brief note that x was staying with me for the next lesson and few would challenge it.

However I've worked in one school in which makeup was a total no no and wouldnt have made acne exceptions. Harsh.

Ask for what else is on offer to prevent future upsets.

My dd was recent hit, hard enough to badly bruise her, by another student. My dd had done nothing wrong, it was bullying, but she won't let me tell the school as she would get isolation as well as the girl who hit her. I wish I could move her. Sounds like your school is as bad
What?? Why would she be put in isolation? If that's really the case not just her misperception, that's awful.

I think the OP's DD was bullied. It was such a mean thing to do and could have such a long term impact. It's hard to see it as anything else.

OP, could you arrange to have the meeting without your DD present and before the detentions? Then you can make your best case for her punishment to be reduced (as a parent I'd be claiming as much responsibility myself as possible and apologising for my own error in procedure), but still with your DD back up the school's correct message that she should get properly signed out before leaving the site if she needs to do so.

It is clear that the school has to be sure that your daughter does not leave without notifying anyone for safeguarding reasons. However if this was a complete one off it would be better to ask what the matter is in the first instance rather than blanket punishing her.

She needs to understand that you can't leave school for these reasons and have strategies for avoiding this in the future. I'm not sure giving a detention is going to achieve anything (except maybe for sending a clear message that this is unacceptable).

Think it's reasonable to go home but just leaving it's totally unreasonable and I'd say the punishment fits

Make an appointment to discuss it before she does any punishment. Explain everything you've said here and show them pictures.

Hopefully they'll squash the punishment.

I think for a first offence I would expect to be called in and explained to that this was totally unacceptable and if it happened again DD would be punished such as excluded for a day

How on earth would an exclusion help anyone?