DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Right, so I think I've managed to round up answers to most questions, so here goes:

In regards to a safe place, the school have a pastoral room. However, at lunch the room is used for actually counselling. The pupils book slots and the room is always in use at lunch. I asked DD why she didn't go to the pastoral room and asked to be seen ASAP, but this would have meant walking through the crowded cafeteria and waiting outside on the outskirts of the cafeteria and DD did not feel able to do this with her cystic acne all on show. DD even hates showing her acne in front of family and frequently puts on makeup in the morning until she goes to bed. Just to give you an idea how little confidence she has with the acne on show.

A few people asked about her skin routine. We currently use a cleanser called Cetaphil, a few products from a brand called the Ordinary and a moisturiser called Cerave. Just in case this interests anyone! We've tried countless topicals.

DD has had cystic acne since June but before hand she had quite bad papular acne. However, it wasn't as inflamed and relatively flat.

She has tried the pill and countless tetracycline antibiotics specifically for acne. They made a small dent initially but now have proved useless. Spiro OR Accutane are the next steps.

As for the bullies, I rang up the school and reported this separately initially. The school said it's being dealt with and I believe they will. The other information in previous posts about the school seeking long term punishment is what DD has been told by a mutual friend of hers and one of the bullies. I got DD to clarify and she says they clearly said her name, were laughing very loudly, pointing and making references like 'her face looks like the surface of mars,' for example. The school will deal with the bullying but sadly I don't know anymore for now. I doubt the ongoing bullying issue will be discussed tonight as like I said this meeting is about my DD and the other girls parents will not be present, so I imagine a discussion would not seem as 'appropriate' by the school. And like I said, although these girls bullied my DD this time, I believe there are other girls who have been tormented regularly by the bullies so the bullies will be dealt with separately in another big meeting.

I have heard from other parents that a big, official discussion is taking place this week with parents of other victims and the parents of the bullies. This is supposed to be the 'final' meeting before a punishment takes place, such as expulsion. I have not been invited to this. However, I have been reassured that they have been punished for the incident specifically with my daughter.

DD didn't go back to school after she came home as once she'd removed the makeup a few of her cysts were weeping as she took the makeup off too harshly (out of anger? I'm not sure.) You can't apply more makeup whilst the cysts are weeping as the foundation will just slide off the weepy area. By the time her face had stopped weeping, we'd redone the makeup, etc... it would have been pointless her going back.

And finally, DD does have makeup however she doesn't take it to school. It's not a case of just slapping on some foundation with her or doing a simple touch up. It takes forever, I have to help her as she's not that great at it, she often finds it painful if her cysts are inflamed and if it's not done properly they will weep. Her makeup is made up of many layers of expensive, good coverage yet natural foundations, concealers, colour correcter and primer. It normally lasts all day. PE has always been inside until March. Hence, she didn't take it with her as aside from adding a bit of translucent powder she's never had to touch it up or redo it before. Bear in mind she's only had the cystic acne for a few months and most of that was the summer holidays. She's still getting to grips with makeup and school, the whole balance of getting good coverage but not going over 'natural.'

I've spent some time with her now trying to teach her how to do the coverage herself and she is going to start doing it mostly herself. She prefers me doing it as I've had bad acne in the past and have a certain knack for it now! When DD does it, it looks muddy and not nearly as natural.

Oh fgs!!! She needs accutane!! Ring the GP today!

Bless your poor DD!

Good luck with mtg!

Her make up will not be helping her skin. Dds improves in the holidays when she doesn't wear it. Cetaphil is crap too. Just get her a course of accutane! Bear in mind that if it is very serious she may need two courses, dd1 just about to start course 2.

Honestly, please don't waste your energy on the school. Sort the dermatologist!!

Your DD is very lucky to have you and your support. Good luck with the meeting.

Also re: dermatologist, we are paying privately now to speed things up. She can't even get the prescription for Roaccutane until the tetracycline is out of her system, so another two weeks at least!

DD wants Accutane. It can make acne worse at first and has side effects: dry skin, joint pain, dry lips, issues seeing in the dark temporarily, feelings of depression, etc... it's not an easy drug. I went on it when I was younger and was very lucky, just got dry skin. However I know some people experience a whole range of side effects.

Our GP wants to prescribe ANOTHER antibiotic. It's quicker to go private. It's bloody expensive but we can just about afford it. Totally worth the price though.

Both my dds have taken it. Yes she needs to stop antibiotics for a fortnight and remember it gets worse before better. She needs two types of antibiotics before NHS will refer. It was my life's work for 6 months!!

Yes, back to GP for a referral. My DS was referred immediately as his was so bad.

I also wrote him notes to get him off PE for at least a term and a half - because it was all over his shoulders and chest too - and a shove during football or rugby would have been so terribly painful for him. For a while, the slightest touch had him in agony.

This acne is an awful, awful thing. Good news is, roaccutane completely cleared it up for DS, in a matter of weeks. It really was magical stuff. He's only a few scars left which should fade over time. Hardly any scarring on his face.

By punishing your dd for her actions when bullied doesn’t build any trust between your dd and the officials at the school to make her approach them in future if there is a problem.

What do the school want to achieve by giving out detention for going home? Will the detention solve the problem?

I would be looking to ask these questions

Or is the punishment a case if we can so we will?

Dd1s has come back, about 20% of what it was. She's on the pill which isn't helping. Have been very clear that we want accutane again and asked what path we need to follow to get it.

I really feel for your DD and can't imagine how she's feeling but as I work in a school, I can't help but focus on that side of this situation.

I assume you've spoken to the school since September outlining the potential problems that your DD might face with her acne? Did the school not put a plan in place, or a safe space, or a person she could turn to????

Also, you said she walked out at lunchtime as if somehow that was ok. Does the school actually allow pupils to just leave the premises at lunchtime without having to sign out or back in again? (No schools in my area allow this anymore). Fires can still happen at lunchtimes!!!! How on earth would the school know who was there and who wasn't???

I really do feel for your DD and I imagine she was so overwhelmed that she didn't consider the dangers or repercussions but she really does need to realise that she can't just go awol.

I don’t think she should have walked out but she was obviously very stressed about it. I think the school have been unreasonable as this will not improve matters. Have they addressed the bullies and would they have taken the same steps if your daughter suffered with learning needs?

When I was bullied at the same age, I remember an afternoon I spent covered in pop after they'd decided to throw it all over me. I'd have done anything not to be there. She got herself out of a horrible situation and took measures to make it safe. I respect her and I hope she's okay.

RainbowTortoise

THAT seventeen million times over. Thank you Rainbow! That school is being EUR (exceptionally unreasonable!) All you lot saying she "played truant" can you put your brain into gear and even "try" to imagine the distress this poor little girl, (for that is what she is) is going through. Don't be so "smug" because your children don't have such problems to have to deal with on a daily basis! raaarrgghhh!

My son once ran out of school because a teacher wound him up so much he wanted to hit them and didn't want to get into trouble. Teachers don;t seem to be allowed to use any emotional intelligence or empathy anymore. My son came home shaking with rage even after running around the park and I was told it would count as an unauthorised absence if I didn't send him back, it was awful. I now homeschool my son as he was sent out of nearly every class. Sick up for your daughter calmly and think about moving schools as once kids get a reputation the pain never ends.

Your daughter did do the wrong thing but a chat may have stopped the situation getting so bad, the teachers failed too.

That's awful and shows a lack of pastoral care. Do you think the form teacher dished this out without receiving any info from the Head? Sorry haven't had time to read the thread but I would arrange a meeting with the Head. If this was the first time it has happened and she is normally well behaved then this is a massive over reaction from the school.

OTT punishment. You need to remind them the role stress has in this condition and ask that they reduce her stress levels. Seems as though the HT is wanting to make a name for herself and is being harsh.
Ask what they are doing about the girls who were unkind to her? What is their anti-bullying policy?
Good luck and best wishes to your DD

I think its good to build up her confidence. Noone should wear make up during PE really.., the focus should be on activities
I think lots of work has to be done with your daughters psychological state. It only will get tougher. Take her to the doctors too. Try to avoid roaccutane as it made even me suicidal. Good confidense building workshops, and some make up free days could be godsent - also... make uP DOES make things worse- i know as i have trued everything under the sun. Contraception pill often helps. La roche posay, bioderma, vichy, avene are great brands to teach your daughter to look after her skin! Cleansing and moisturising is extremely important to keep on top of this.
School was in the right. She shouldnt even wear make up to PE. Rain didnt kill anybody so far. Good to get some grip esp at that age.

Don't be fobbed off by GP and antibiotics . They don't work for this kind of acne.
And they always force them first.

If you can afford to go private, it's the best thing for this type of acne.

And those going on about the make up making it worse are being unfair. Unless you have had this specific type of acne, you can't understand . Make up is not to blame for worsening it.
It just Doesn't go away.
I went 12 MONTHS make up free before doing accutane courses and My skin did NOT CHANGE until completion of accutane course.

I think punishment is harsh. Some detention yes. On report too far.

Also school need to deal with the bullying. By walking off DD may well have revealed how sensitive she is and the cattier girls may pick up on it unless dealt with firmly (Educating Manchester style). This should be made very clear by you to the Head.

They should put in place a place of safety that is always available for her.

Make sure you couch it all in I don't condone walking off, want to work with school to help her through but equally think punishment too much and bullying /place of safety needs dealing with.

Finally is it a gp analysis cystic acne? I know there are a number of treatments available that reduce the redness etc and can control it on prescription. I'd get in to see GP if you haven't already.

Good luck.

I feel for your DD.

I think the punishment was right for truanting. Whatever the reason, or however valid her feelings were, it is still truanting. They can't reasonably say some kids get sanctioned for it and not others. I think you have to accept that.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but there would have been a teacher who would let her use their classroom out the way and call for someone to drop makeup off. Or the option to arrange for her to work somewhere else.

I think she needs to carry a top up kit with her for days like this and maybe you help teac her how to top it up.

Main thing. The school MUST deal with the bullies severely and it sound s like they aren't taking it seriously.

I had cystic acne and I know all about it. Make up DOES make it worse. Full stop
Having clean moisturised skin is the very key. I absolutely advice you to stay away from Roaccutane. Take pill take antibiotics, cut junk food, clean and nourish skin . It should improve skin greatly even if not completely.
Also just for a thought- i developed tumours after a year on roaccutane, i had absolutely black suicidal moments(and i have no issues psychologically i would be scared to think what it can do to shy insecure unstable teen), also now i have fibromyalgia- as result of nerve damage from roaccutane. If i knew all this i would not have touched it. Oh and i wasnt a fragile teen when i finally got it
Absense should be punished and then just move on correctly

YANBU. I have a 14 year old and would have done exactly as you did. She wasn't missing as you contacted them to explain. Assuming this is the first time that she has left the School, they are being very U. They should be being sympathetic, working with you to find coping mechanisms for DD for future and addressing the bullying. Good luck.x