SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

Change is as good as a rest.

I agree with @habenero20 try swapping roles a bit so you do some of the other things and he looks after the dc.

Secondhand snake - why did you have more kids then? Surely you knew it would be tough. If you want kids then surely you have to put up with the shit they bring.

Funny how that only applies to women, User - the DH doesn't sound as though he's putting up with much shit. OPdidn't have more kids by herself so she shouldn't be parenting by herself.

I've just returned from maternity leave to work (well, 2 months ago). We have a now 4.5 year old and a now 8 month old. I do refer to my maternity leave as a 6 month holiday, because that's what it was (younger one is not an easy child - waking up every 2-3 hours at night, spat up a lot, didn't accept pram or car seat, so always in the sling). Working is so much harder (time to yourself? Going to the loo when you want to or having a hot cup of tea? Not in my job...)
I think your expectations of work are a bit unreasonable

Be careful what you wish for. There's a delicate balance to be found between family time and getting the DIY done. In our house, we focus more on the children at weekends. So the place is in a lot of need for DIY. Ask your partner to do more with the kids if you like. I'm sure he will jump at the chance

There's not much good in endless comparisons about whether working or SAHing is harder. The answer to the question is, it depends. There's almost infinite variety.

Secondhand snake - why did you have more kids then? Surely you knew it would be tough. If you want kids then surely you have to put up with the shit they bring

Keeping the details vague in case of daily mail reasons but one of the children isn't mine. So I had one, thought it was nice, had another, was like woah, no more, then a third moved in.

Where’s the support? Taking care of young kids can be relentless. Of course dad should pitch in on weekends. I hate all this Stepford Wife shit. The OP is just asking her husband to cook a few meals and help with the kids a bit more. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It’s great that others find motherhood so easy that they’ll gladly do all the childcare and housework so their husband don’t have to do anything but the OP wants a little help and that’s fine. Why people need to be such twats about I have no idea.

You can’t be caring for kids and doing housework every second of everyday - there will be dead time when kids are napping etc. You need to use it more productively. I’ve never known a SAHP to have zero free time!!

If one of them isn't yours (I'm assuming the school aged one?), then that's an enormous game changer.... Apart from anything else, having to work around school hours hugely limits what you can do with your smaller children and imposes fixed restrictions on your time.

Neither the babybor the toddler has ever napped for longer than 40 mins.

They also have an annoying habit of dropping off in the car to and from school, so the rest of the time in between they don't really sleep.

Yes the school day is enormously restrictive.

So buy in staff. A DIY person, a gardener, a cleaner/cook

It doesnt address the problem . Not everyone has the money to do this and it is home. He is not above cooking and cleaning just because he works

It doesnt address the problem . Not everyone has the money to do this and it is home. He is not above cooking and cleaning just because he works