SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

Some things that have occurred to me as I've read the responses.

1. The main thing I hate is the cooking. If DH would just take over all the cooking on the weekends I think that would be 90% of the solution to my frustration. I do all the cooking all the time and I just wish it wasn't always me having to think of the answer to the question: what's for lunch/dinner? I hate it.

1. The DIY. In the past month he's built a wood store in the garden, for the wood for our wood burner, because 'it'll help save money on heating', and he's sanded and put new putty in one of our windows to try and stop a condensation issue. Okay, arguably they're both useful, but they take an awful lot of his time. Also, he's mowed the lawn and stuff. It really irritates me how all the jobs at home that he does, he can do uninterrupted by children. All the jobs I do around the house, I have to do with at least one child literally hanging off me or screaming at me or doing something potential lethal.

1. If we are both in the house, like a PP already said, the kids default to me anyway. I get the requests for drinks and snacks, I get whined at for more TV. In the mornings, when they come and get in our bed, DH has the uncanny ability to put the blinkers on and read the news on his phone, while the two of them crawl all over me and fight for space on just my side of the bed. HOW DOES HE DO IT? HOW DOES HE MAKE HIMSELF INVISIBLE TO THEM EVEN WHEN WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BED???? Honestly, he can lie there on his damn phone and it's like they don't even notice him.

1. I am going back to work in December. But I will be part time and on the days I work, I will still do all the nursery pick ups and drop offs myself, plus the dinner/bath/bed routine on my own.

1. I definitely need to do more for myself. And not ask permission either. Just get on with what I want to do.

I really like that suggestion

Dh and I always have one half day off each per weekend, and both go out 2 (alternate) evenings each per week. Could you do evenings out at least if there's too much to do at weekends.
I think you both need a break.

And also, it's a bit off topic, but can I shout something please at a few posters? HOW MUCH ADMIN YOU DO HAS NO FUCKING BEARING ON HOW MUCH ANOTHER FAMILY DOES. I see this so often and it really boils my piss. Lovely that your admin takes minutes, super. Mine, for numerous reasons, takes approx 1 hour a day and needs to be factored in. If someone says it takes x amount of time, then it takes x amount of time, it's irrelevant how long yours takes. Rant over.

I cross posted with you op, but my mil feels your pain with point 2. He isn't doing diy jobs, he's doing his hobby. Peace and quiet and tinkering. But he can justify it as the by product of his hobby is useful. Grr.

Yes, the admin.

For reasons too boring to go into, we have four vehicles which all need tax, insurance and MOT at different times of the year. DH likes to shop around and get the best insurance deal each time one comes up for renewal. It takes up a lot of time.

We also have another property that's an admin monster as well. But still, I'm sure if I was in charge of it, I'd be much more efficient. DH is definitely guilty of 'oh I'll just create this excel spreadsheet of our whole household expenditure and then add in a load of formulas to show how much we'd be paying if we converted pounds to Zimbabwean dollars and adjusted for inflation' type of thing.

Yeah. Mine takes ages. The wifi will go down, I will have forgotten my fucking password again when it's back up. I can't have that password, it is not strong enough. Reset email won't come through - not even to junk box. I can't find the letter I had to read, all the fucking pens have gone when I need to fill in a form. Can't find National Insurance number,
NHS number. Go search in cupboards. Not there . The person i need to speak to is in a meeting. He will ring back at 3 when I do the school run. Is that okay? We will eventually have a lengthy conversation at 4 with the kids fighting over the computer. Eldest will want help with homework RIGHT NOW and have a proper teenage tantrum (see what I mean about being small for long - they are bloody exhausting at any age if they are that way inclined).

You can shop around for the best insurance deal with a couple of clicks of a button, on comparison websites.

OK, so you need to get out of the house. Tell him on Friday evening you're off to the gym / to meet a friend for coffee in the morning so you'll leave the kids at home with him and be back between 12-1. Also agree that you each get one lie in a weekend and on your day, pass the kids to him and say 'take them down now and once they're settled and the TV's on you'll be able to read the news'. And ask him to make enquiries about working one day a week from home and then he can at least do the drop off, bedtime etc that day.

Did he do this much DIY before dc? If no, then he's defo using it as an excuse to get out of childcare.
I'm sure there's places that sell boxes to put wood in.

Bit rude to shout arethereanyleftatall
Lets hope ops dh is not spending an hour a day in work time annually taxing and insuring four cars, although taking them for mot, repairs, services is definitely time consuming, but I don't class it as admin, personally
Am quite interested in what household admin takes an hour daily though if you want to share?

Yeah. However you look at it, household admin just isn't as relentless and time consuming as household shit work.

But I can't swap that with him though.

You could do it though, go and sit in a quiet room for an hour or so a week, do.job in five minutes, enjo y 55 minutes rest

Painting - I don't mind sharing. My household admin that takes about an hour is mainly:

1. between them dc do 17 activities each week. Many of the drop offs/pick ups clash, so I need to logistically sort that, changes weekly. One competes a lot (triathlons) and I need to find competitions, book them, organise etc. One dances a lot, and the shows involve a fair bit of costume sorting etc.
2. as a family we go on about 10 holidays per year. That needs sorting.
3. 4 vehicles, 3 properties all need a bit of time.

Oh. I don't call most of that household admin, I don't think most people would?

Oh. I thought it was. What would you call it?

Actually, I have no idea what I call all the shit work of kidsactivities, but definitely not household admin
Thats for one house, or holiday home, not rentals as thats paid work, household cars, household bills, household insurance

Sorry with my duplicating 'oh'. Didn't notice you'd used it, then mine looked piss taking and it wasn't intentional!

Half my life is bloody kids clubs organising, nightmare

I can really relate to you OP. My DH works a lot, this week (and beyond) he has left the house around 0645 and returned around 2100, apart from today when he returned around 1830. Tomorrow he is leaving even earlier and will be back around 2100. These aren't his contracted hours, these are overtime hours on top of his contracted hours that he chooses to do. I've actually warned him about burning himself out and mentioned that he will miss out on the DC etc. But he wants to do the work so that he can continually buy shit on eBay and waste the money. It is so mentally exhausting being the only parent doing all of the childcare, housework, garden maintenance, dog walking (and vet trips this week, thanks to an eye ulcer, another one tomorrow), meal planning, food shopping, laundry etc etc. (I also do all household admin, unlike the OP). The concept of a weekend is an absolute joke when you are the main/only present caregiver to small children (my DC are 2 and 3). The weekend is so meaningless that I thought yesterday was Thursday.

Unfortunately, OP, there is no one size fits all answer. I suggest you sit down with your DH and explain to him that you need some downtime at the weekend or he needs to do the cooking so you feel some immediate benefit from him being home at the weekends (rather than he does jobs that are useful but not instantly life changing). It's very hard.

Before posters jump down my throat and call me ungrateful, I know that the only way I am able to stay home with my DC is because my DH works, I'm very aware of that and grateful that I can be at home with them, even though they are full on and relentless, I remind myself to embrace them because, as cringe as it is: the days are long but the years are short.

I don’t believe the WOH partner should be 100% responsible for all the weekend stuff- it should become 50/50 at the weekends for me, you both still should have an equal role at the weekends. He should be 50/50 at weekends, otherwise I don’t feel it’s fair on either one.

YANBU - you both need some downtime plus some family time.

You could suggest a lie- in each, a bath time each and/or a meal time each.

Also suggest one day is DIY day and the other day is where you do stuff together as a family

My bosses both work so a bit different but they take turns at weekends who gets up and does breakfast etc.

Your entitled to a break at weekends too I get paid to do what you do all day and it’s bloody hard work!!

Your situation is identical to mine 100% down to the 7-7 thing. Only getting back in time for a kiss.

He does nothing midweek, although he will look after the kids while they are asleep if I want to go out.

Weekends we split everything 50-50. He has set activities he takes the kids to every Saturday. Swimming and then the park or soft play. On Sunday he cooks a roast.

He will also hoover through the house and hang up washing.

Maybe he dedicates three hours to diy and you dedicate three hours at the weekend to cleaning.

Then he does an activity like soft play for a few hours and cooks Sunday roast. You cook Saturdays meal.