SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

Sad to say, if you have 'trained' him to expect to be out and about a lot every single day, it's going to be hard to do that.

Depends on the child. DD needed to be out every single day. At the beach in December there would be me, DD, and 4000 dog owners. Turns out she has ADHD but at the time she was just a kid that needed to do physical things every day.

She could also walk kilometres when the other children were whining and being carried and we didn't have a stroller after 18 months. But I have enough empathy to know that you get the kid you're given and pretending that everyone's child is the way they are because the parents has trained them... I don't agree.

If DP isn't working he has the Sunday afternoon shift.

I get 3 / 4 glorious hours to myself. We do the chores between us in the morning and I will do dinner when they get home (DP does bath and bedtime with older DC, toddler doesn't go to sleep without me)

Alas he works 2 out of 4 Sunday's (often Saturday's too!)

I don't think it is possible for you to work out what's fair without trying some things out. At the moment the balance has gone too far - far too far - towards you being on duty with the kids 24 / 7. So you feel like you are going mad and you NEED two days off EVERY weekend. This a. might not be fair (I am not sure); b. might not be possible; c. might not be what you even need. Maybe you just need some breaks, and a mix of true breaks where you actually get to choose things you really like doing AND semi-breaks, where you get a break from the kids but still have to do something towards the house / car / garden / finances / whatever.

(eg - if your dh took the kids to the park on the basis that you could sort cupboards out, it's still useful and it isn't the same as lying in bed reading, but you might find it more refreshing than other day of kid duty.)

We can't do the detail for you. It's clear you need things to change and but till you try things out, it won't be clear what's best.

I saw a meme recently 'the problem with one working parent and one who stays home is that both of you think Saturday is your day off, and both of you are wrong'

I'm a SAHM and I need a weekly break or I would lose my mind. Small children are mentally draining! But I'm also aware that my husband doesn't get a break from 'work' if he is either in the office or at home with the kids. So we agreed a few hours to ourselves each at the weekend. I go to the cinema for example and then he goes to the the gym or pub to watch football. We also make sure we have a date night once a month, spending time together is so important so the resentment towards each other doesn't build up.

YANBU. It sounds like you need a bit of me time. I agree with the other posters that say splitting the time? You both need some time off, so why don't you arrange that each of you gets 1 sleep in on the weekend (one Sat, one Sun) and the other has to get up with the kids, get them sorted. Even if you don't sleep in, just being able to rest in bed and catch up on some TV, read a book or go have a long bath might help.

Sod what might be fair. You are desperate to have a break from the kids so tell him you're having a couple of hours to yourself every weekend and perhaps an hour an evening per week. Your DH would not be analysing what is fair. He'd be getting on and doing it and making sure his needs are met. He would not be letting it get to this stage.

When children are this tiny, it's all hands on deck. I 2nd those who say many men use DIY as an excuse to avoid childcare. Mine did this too when mine were teeny. He always seemed to time it when they were most cranky, too. Childcare definitely should be shared at the weekends. He had children, too, not you and, presumably, he wanted them as much as you did. Do not feel guilty for expecting him to look after his own children. He is their parent.

Sorting out MOT, insurance etc are once a year jobs. I don't get why they are even worth mentioning.

Childcare on the other hand is constant and relentless, and should be shared at the weekend so the OP gets a break.

Wow. Didn't you get the memo about being a mother?
You are not beholden to your children, YOU have to decide what is or what is not OK.
I can understand a certain amount of resentment towards the other progenitor, who appears to have to spend 3 hours a day commuting and then do a day's work, but seriously, YOU have control, why not take it?

Okay - you know the brutal truth is - when kids are this age - nobody really gets time off!

So it's totally wrong for him to wander off down the garden thinking 'oh it's my day off' - but the answer isn't that he completely takes over - it's that both of you get blocks of time to yourself and the rest of the work is split much more evenly.

have a grown up calm chat about what you both really find relaxing - and see if you can make time for everyone to get down time.

But to be honest I think the reality of parenting small children is that weekends are fucking exhausting! it gets easier ....

also - ive been wohm and sahm and working in an office is easier in many ways - so I agree with you on that. It is not as tiring - however - you do get some fun parts that your husband is missing out on. It seems a shame he is disengaged from his kids....perhaps that will change as they get older.

No, you're not being unreasonable and I think it's a fair expectation of him. We aren't in quite the same situation as we both work full-time, but we work with varying degrees of intensity and various hours each week, just depending. We're both self-employed, so some weeks are incredibly busy and stressful for one of us and not the other. Some weeks I'm working 3 hours away several days a week (6 hour commute total, leave in the morning before anyone is awake and like your dh walk in just before bedtime that night). Other days my husband works til after bedtime or is working 12 hour days on the weekends. Whoever is home does what needs to be done. When we're both home, we both do things. If one of us has had a particularly rough week, the other takes over. On the weekends, we both do our share. Personally, I do always cook because I prefer too, but my husband does the washing up, cleaning, takes our dd for an hour or so if I need to get something done when he's home. He does bathtime every night (unless he's away). He does the school runs when I need him to, etc. So though we're both busy, the work of runnning the house never falls on one of us alone if we're both home. When we're home, we share it equally. Rarely does one of us get to have 'me time,' but no one has the whole share of the parenting and household tasks either. My husband will take our daughter outside for an hour or so while he does some gardening, and I can sort out the inside of the house and get five minute to sit down. Or he does the washing up and I'll sit and watch tv with our daughter. Then we go out and spend the day together. A few times a year we each get a weekend away with friends or alone to spend how we want while the other stays at home. I especially make a habit of once a year taking a weekend break away completely alone. I fly somewhere I've always wanted to travel (this year, I went to Barcelona) for 2-3 nights, and I do what I want and re-charge. He does the same (though usually with friends as he doesn't enjoy his own company as much as I do). So yes, when we're both home, you should be sharing the load fully and each getting time to yourself that isn't work time or time spent with the family, even if it's not every weekend, but maybe a day away or an overnight or a weekend away every few months to once a year, etc.

I think you should both prioritise what happens and when. You need to acknowledge that going to work and missing your kids grow daily is not fun. After all, you stayed at home didnt you? To see that. To be there. To bond.

If he is doing house things then get him to finish the current project and get him on kids duties. And then never mention a bit of decoration/diy work that needs done for the next few years. You cant have both. And dont complain about the garden deteriorating either.

Create time for yourselves that is not work. childcare or house jobs and share what free time you can. You want to be child free for a while. Have you ever asked what he wants?

When your kids are small, nobody gets much time off. Any time having adult conversion or not being climbed on is time out.
I used to go of for a whole morning or afternoon when mine were little, one day each weekend. I think my oh realised he has to keep me sane somehow.
Have a talk about his to carved it up.
I remember one conversation when he say he might as all go and his to all the veg patch, because I kept stopping him going into the garden to tend it. I said growing veg would have to wait, and gave him a list of the things i has given up to have kids. Choir, multiple dance classes, knitting, sewing, quilting, swimming, adult conversation, long baths, feeling glamorous, etc etc etc.
When they are little it's all about compromise.

Also, if you are truly bored and over it, I can't say enough about how refreshing it is to work. Not everyone could afford it, and for me, when I first went back to work when our dd was about a year, it was part-time and my earnings just about covered nursery for those days. We broke even pretty much with a little bit left over each money from my salary. But I had so much more energy. I felt recharged. I had adult conversation. I was commuting one of those days to London to lecture (I was a university lecturer) and I spent 3 hours each way on the train. In the mornings I had lecture prep and emails to do, but on the way home in the evening, I got a trashy magazine and a glass of wine and relaxed. The other days, though shorter and from my home office, were just a nice change of pace. They made me enjoy the days I had off with my dd and the weekends together as a family 100 times more. It's not always possible, but don't underestimate the power of just having a bit of a adult life to make everything feel easier again and if working would do it, go back to work part-time. It really did it for me.

I never really understand these things. Can’t you just say to him “I’m going to go to the gym/for a swim/out for coffee insert whatever me time thing you want, on insert suitable time”
Your both working hard. If you split it a day each at the weekend you have no time together as a family. I would decide what I wanted to do as my downtime, then just chat with my husband and explain I need some child free time once a week, I want to do x and need him to be in charge at home for x amount of time.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP.

What I would do in your shoes is take up an activity on Saturday or Sunday morning, that gets you out of the house. This way it's a legitimate break to actually do something, like a (long) yoga class, or creative class or something. It gives you a focus other than the children.

Alternatively, get him to take both kids out one morning for 2-3 hours - the park/soft play then lunch/coffee. I used to really miss being in the house on my own. This time can be billed as space to get cleaning/batch cooking for week ahead done, but obviously that wouldn't take up all if your time.

If you make it a morning, you can then spend the rest of the day doing family stuff...

Can't you spend the weekend doing "fun" stuff together? Take the baby to the swings or the park. Get some fresh air. Leave all but the essential diy bits. You'll still be parenting but you won't be doing it alone. Quality family time is important. You should also get a bit of time for yourself, whether it's just for a coffee or some exercise.

Spending time as a family I get but thinking he should do everything all weekend because he does nothing in the week is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure going to paid employment counts as doing something

If my DH classed my job as having all day every day to myself he'd be having his bags packed and quickly.

If you begrudge your children that much why bother becoming a parent?

Yellow, I don't "begrudge" my DD, but I've never plumbed depths of misery and frustration like being at home with her when she was tiny. I'm the WOHP: my job is a million times easier than being home alone with a baby. (DP probably has it a bit easier than I do now she's in school, but I don't grudge him that: he did the hard yards when she was small.) I agree that all weekend is excessive, but fundamentally the OP wants some time when she only has herself to look after, and that's perfectly reasonable.

I think it's a really horrible unsupportive thing to say actually and, sadly, not something I found uncommon when I was struggling. It's called kicking someone when they are down. Everyone knows parentsl guilt's every mother's Achilles heel

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself.

No he is not, he is WORKING

He gets childfree time , to live an adult life

He gets childfree time , to live an adult life

and the OP gets to spends lots of time with her children while they are young. (which she presumably wants to do , or she'd have opted to have a shorter maternity leave).

Both OP and her DH work hard and what they do is equally important for their family.

So what's your suggestion, then? Suck it up?

If I regret anything when they were small, it would have been the guikt and pressure to enjoy every single moment and beating myself up for feeling i was being selfish snd failing if every part of the day did not revolve around them or keeping house.

OP needs time to herself . It is perfectly normal. She should take it regardless as to whether she chose to have children, to stay at home, regardless as to whether they are small for long (they are - childhood lasts 18 years and they continue to need you beyond) regardless to whether her DH works hard. I know I'd have been a better parent if I'd have been ruthless about time out and not whined or begged for it only for him to debate it out

Next weekend, you start a DIY project and leave hime with the kids, go to ikea buy a whole batch of flat packed furniture that you just need peace to erect, tell the kids "go to daddy".

Honestly ikea furniture is really easy to build if you just lay the bits out and read the instructions.