SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

As it sounds like your DH isn't generally a lazy fecker who needs words, but more like you just need some time to yourself sometimes, why not turn the usual approach on its head.

Instead of basically saying you are more deserving than DH of 'you time' at any given moment, first acknowledge that he must be knackered too and then explain that - whether objectively fair or not at that particular moment - you are currently on your knees and would really appreciate a lie-in/time out on your own etc.

It's amazing the different it makes when you take away the "who works hardest/is most tired" competition. Life with littleys is hard, but if you start thinking that 3hrs commuting plus a long day in the office is easier, you will only resent him. And probably vice versa.

You both work hard. There is no easy answer. But I know if someone devalued my contribution as WOHP by assuming that my job was restful, I'd immediately be narked and less inclined to be helpful. And exactly the same applies the other way round. (I'm part time so no axe to grind either way)

Appreciating each other makes those early years SOOO much more pleasant...

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it

I appreciate what you're going through but you are BU to expect this. I am in a similar position to you except my dc are older (youngest is 2). I would love the freedom to eat a meal when i want, make a phone call, drink a hot drink etc etc like Dh can do, but then I don't actually want to go to work 50 hours a week in order to do that. You can't expect him to work all week and then do all the childcare (work) all weekend so you get a weekend/break. If you suggest that this is manageable for him, you are downplaying how fucking hard it is being at home with the children. It is equally as hard as his job, it should be equally as valued as his job within your household. So- Dh and I divide up the weekend so we each get some leisure time, we each get some time to work uninterrupted (so I might do laundry or tidy upstairs in peace rather than with 'help', he will do planning/ office work), and we do some things as a family or one will take the dc (the little one particularly) so everyone gets a break. Time is our most precious commodity.

My Dh has developed an annoying habit of claiming he is doing domestic chores for the benefit of the household, but also while doing it is listening to a podcast. So he's weeded our garden for 90 minutes each weekend. My argument is that this job is not high on our list of priorities and that actually if he is doing domestic chores as he should be doing to help run our home, then actually, y'know, vacuuming, putting washing away, cooking a meal, hearing ds read- these are all higher priority than weeding the garden, quietly, on your own, with headphones in. I agree that your dh's domestic 'helping' is verging slightly into 'hobby' territory, which is fine if he's going to count it as 'leisure time' but not if he counts that as his contribution to domestic admin.

The division of household tasks in our house is pretty similar, OP - esentially I'm in charge of the housework, he does diy, garden and most of the financial/car etc related admin. I work part time, and have done since my dc were born. Even when my dc were tiny, I found staying at home with them far far easier than being at work (dh and I had same career but he is now v senior). I certainly expected dh to spend time with me and dc as a family at weekends, but wouldn't have expected him to take over house and kids, because he'd had a much harder week than me!

Oh OP are you me?! I can definitely sympathise even down to the endless DIY jobs or admin which I feel I can't complain about as someone has to do them and they are for the benefit of the family etc etc.

My youngest is 4mo now and I've been struggling with this for a while now but a couple of things that have helped me have been getting DH to take our toddler to a regular Saturday morning toddler class. We all get up at the crack of dawn everyday anyway thanks to DS but it means DH does all the morning stuff with toddler then goes to the class so me and the baby can have a bit more of a leisurely start to the day.

Also, I offered to do some of the admin. Because if it meant I could sit on the laptop for an hour in peace looking for car insurance while he looked after the kids I took it as a win!

Other than that I'm still in the thick of it and looking forward to going back to work to be honest.....

Sahm here. Just came to say I get it. Being at home all day every day is nothing like doing the odd weekend day. It is so bloody boring after a while, it is actually mentally fatiguing in its boredom. The fallacy is in comparing work to looking after small children. Being a SAHM is not a job, it is it's own (unpaid) thing, its own exhausting guilt ridden Sisyphean task. Work is also hard, sometimes stressful, filled with politics. But you do get to come home. Yet when home is this long stretch of nappies, laundry, meal planning, snack making, wee wiping, stuck down with playdough to the sound track of cbeebies, it is no longer a reprieve from work, and it feels like there is no escape. Work becomes an escapist fantasy. I get it. Staying in my pyjamas all day with a toddler for me would be waaaay worse than work too, I have never been tempted to stay in for the day, I would actually lose my marbles I think. Fresh air is the only thing that staves off the complete depression. But the light is that at age 3/4, things start to get better and you find whole meals where you get to eat yourself, or go for a wee, or make a phone call. Hang tough OP!! ANd yes, dh needs to be giving you a morning off at the weekend, and the majority of the rest you do as a team. That is for sanity reasons, not fairness.

Oh and I also agree I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go out for a lovely family meal with a boob monster baby and an escapologist toddler who wants to greet all the diners personally with his sticky little fingers, pull off tablecloths, climb in and out of highchair and finally be desperate for a nap. After a truly miserable pizza a month ago, we agreed eating out is off the cards for at least 6 months. I honestly don't know how people without grandparents or nannies or childminders enjoy kids of this age for long lengths of time. Must be me.

I honestly don't know how people without grandparents or nannies or childminders enjoy kids of this age for long lengths of time Stockholm syndrome. We get 3 hours childcare maybe once a month and I'm a SAHM

You should get one day each at the weekend. Absolutely. But if you don't love your job Monday to Friday go and get a new one. Nobody's forcing you to be a SAHM surely.

@ConciseandNice I really don't want to sound like a dick but literally the first line of my OP was: 'I'm on mat leave until the end of the year.'

I've worked in a big, multi-national, corporate environment for 12 years. I know what it's like to have a stressful job, long hours, lots of travel, etc. But I can definitely say that being SAHM is harder. Because of the boredom. Low level, grinding, unending boredom is way more stressful than the pressure of a big project deadline or a budgeting fuck up.

@Penhacked you've described it so perfectly. At least when you're at work, no matter how hard or stressful it is, you know it will end at some point and then you can go home.

With looking after small children it never ends. There's no hometime. No sanctuary you can retreat to at the end of the day. It's the feeling of claustrophobia I hate.

It won't last op. It sounds as if you miss the structure and timetable. You do get that once one starts nursery. You will anyway as you will be back at work soon

I've worked in a big, multi-national, corporate environment for 12 years. I know what it's like to have a stressful job, long hours, lots of travel, etc. But I can definitely say that being SAHM is harder. Because of the boredom. Low level, grinding, unending boredom is way more stressful than the pressure of a big project deadline or a budgeting fuck up.

For you. Not everyone is obviously the same.

I had a very high pressured corporate job involving international long haul travel huge budgetary responsibility etc.

That for me was much harder than being a SAHM

I also think it depends on your children (how needy they are, their temperament - eg tantrumy vs laid back) and the external support you get (husband, grandparents )

I also think it depends on your children (how needy they are, their temperament - eg tantrumy vs laid back) and the external support you get (husband, grandparents )

But I can definitely say that being SAHM is harder. Because of the boredom. Low level, grinding, unending boredom is way more stressful than the pressure of a big project deadline or a budgeting fuck up

I do wonder what people do that find it so boring . I'm a SAHM it of necessity (complex needs toddler) but I don't find it boring at all - I wish there was chance.

Neither are easy

Work like this can be vile as it's political game of thrones stress
But you get paid ! And you have a self esteem boost from being a 'worker bee'

I couldn't be a SAHP to be honest . It's tiring and stressful in a different way and none pays you or gives you a bonus or pays into your pension

@SleepingStandingUp do you just have the one DC? I found during my first mat leave I really enjoyed being at home and enjoying being one to one with my DD. I had loads of mum friends and I remember it being a lovely time.

When I had two and then three DC it became much more of a chore just managing all of them and the house. I couldn't just please myself and potter around like i did with DD. I used to bung her in a sling and go to an art gallery. Try doing the Tate Modern with a buggy, toddler and school age kid! Now I'm beholden to the school run, nursery pick ups and drop offs, nap times, etc. I feel like my whole day is spent either driving or cooking. Oh god, the cooking. And feeding them. And tidying it all up afterwards. It's dull, dull, dull.

Also I have NO help. Parents are hundreds of miles away, DH is out 7.30-7.30. I barely see anyone during the day except on the school and nursery runs. I do everything on my own.

It's just shit.

When I had two and then three DC it became much more of a chore of god I'm not suggesting it isn't hard work. Maybe its just my antisocial side and yeah no beholder to school runs

No come on, that's not fair, it's not all cooking and feeding and school runs! There's all that laundry . Yes, now with two I find I look back at my smug self with precious ds1, going to at least 1 cultural thing a week, a baby group every morning, etc etc, while the highlight of dc2 day is watching all the kids file into school and the hour in the park after school. The middle bit is a blur!!

I wasnt being smug. My point was simply without the amount of everything t do plus a child or seven thrown into the mix I don find time to get bored. So perhaps I'm just so inefficiently doing it. Although us the repetition thing I get as boring once you're in the shook system.

I also on a thread where its all oh yes I do lunch with the girls and prune my garden and go to the gym so maybe its also about age and disposable income. Even if my son got into nursery tomorrow there wouldn't be money to do anything more than we do now

The problem is saying you expect him to do ALL of it at weekends so you get a break. Surely you can see how unfair that is?

Parent together at the weekend. Perhaps have alternate lay ins but be a family on the weekends.

It doesn't sound like the amount of work is unfairly distributed, but you would like the kind of work to change.

So, on the weekend, you could swap kid care for DIY. The only way this doesn't work is if you can't do the DIY.

Everyone needs a break sometimes. He needs to pitch in with meals and taking care of the kids at the weekend. That's perfectly reasonable.