SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

Start leaving the house early on Saturday/Sunday and don't return untill it's dinner time- that way you aren't doing any cooking and aren't there for the children to find. He can do the diy/garden stuff when the kids are in bed

I can imagine the reaction if a bloke walked out of the house without a word and disappeared all day sunday.

The op seems perfectly capable of sorting tbis out without resorting to childish tactics.

Sometimes they don't get it if you tell them. You have to show them. There is nothing childish about ensuring your needs are met

No one said having your needs met is childish.

Disappearing all day is.

And if you feel you have to resort to that. The ehole relationship needs looking at.

Sorry, but this is just the same self-pitying twaddle that has been churned out for years. If you want a hot coffee, drink it when it's hot. if you want a wee, go for one. Just put your children somewhere safe whilst you do. Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that looking after small children is a holiday, but it does sound as though you think your DH's lengthy working day is.

Permanently the OP is on maternity leave so presumably did have a job outside of the home pre kids.... so does know what this is like in reality. And yes, it is easier than all day every day with small, dependent children.

Just drink your coffee while it's hot... yeah, that's real easy while you have one child screaming, the other needing a nappy change, constant distraction

I'd rather have 2 small children all day every day, than a 3 hour commute plus a day's full time work - even if it's the easiest job in the world.

(for info my DC are less than 2 year apart in age, and the oldest rarely napped and didn't sleep through the night until he was nearly 4, and I'd still choose this over the relentless work/commute grind).

It's immaterial anyway - playing "my life is harder than yours" is really counterproductive in situations like this where both parents are working hard.

He is disappearing all day, though. Even at the weekend, he is there but not there.

The only reason he can work these hours and do all these elaborate (and unnecessary) diy jobs is because op has got the children. 24/7. He hasn't okayed this with her and hasn't adjusted his life one iota to factor in the children. Who's being childish here?

Yanbu. It sounds like he avoids time with the kids, which is sad for them as well as the op.

As others have said, with young dc it's all hands on deck and no non essential diy or other projects that take up entire days at weekends. Why doesn't he want family days out? Time together will help with the dc seeing op as the default parent. And he can certainly do some light housework in the evening - tidying, laundry. My dh did this when I was on mat leave. He didn't work such long hours but he shared night wakings and often came home early and worked from home in the evening so he could help with bedtime.

I hope you can suggest a few changes to him soon op. I remember those days vividly and they are relentless.

I'm probably going to get shot down for this, but yes, I think YABU. Though kind of expectedly so.

His time at work is not spent doing nothing. It's really important to remember what it was like when you worked. I'm a teacher and when I get home I'm zonked.

What it seems to me is missing here is any sense of togetherness. It's so easy to lose being a couple when you've got LOs. I paid the price with a divorce, as many do.

Who cares if your house is tidy or lovely or the garden is great if you're divorced? No one. But barricading yourself in the bathroom isn't the answer.

Get a babysitter for one evening and talk. Make a plan so that you do something together with the children, every weekend. Knuckle under and tidy the house together on Friday night no matter how tired you are. Then do something positive together as a matter of choice.

Your children are seeing a stressful pattern of rows and entrenched positions and you need to swallow your anger and try to work together, before it's too late.

Our admin takes hours, especially if you include other stuff we have to do. I have to get an eBay fees refund this week and do my tax asap, dh spent literally hours this weekend on the computer trying to get our wedding album sent for printing. I spent a couple of hours doing the monthly budget and then reviewing longer term renovation budget. No, we don't do that every weekend but we both work full time often in the evenings and admin is a genuine burden on top of that.

It is about being fair. If there is no fairness it will breed resentment as I know

I'm due back at work after Christmas. Have DD 3 & 8 month old DS. It's bloody hard. I'm looking forward to going back to work for a rest

I've struggled with hormone/tension headaches daily since DS was born, it's been awful. My DH works full time mon-fri, I know he works hard & I appreciate it. I do everything at home & all admin/car stuff.

I don't/didn't mind BUT I lost my shit when i realised that he hadn't once in 7 months 'let' me have a lie in! Words were spoken.

In my case I felt it was unfair that one parent gets driven into the ground, whilst the other (working) patent gets full sleep every night & lie ins every weekend

You do have to find a way that you're both happy with to make it fair for everyone. It isn't a competition, you're both working hard in your own right.

OP, I don't think either if you are being U as such, you have just fallen into a rut. My DH was very similar to yours when the DC were younger and I totally get how you're feeling about being default parent ALL the time. He would sit in the kitchen quite happily working in his computer while all hell broke out around him, this kind of thing. If I didn't mention dinner, it would never occur to him.

There is an incessant immediacy to young kids he will just not grasp because he has never done it. I used to even miss commuting on the tube, just to get some space, even though I used to hate it when I was working. So things like building a woodshed are so far down the list of priorities as far as you're concerned that it's ridiculous.

This is what I think you should do -

• Get a cleaner to come Friday afternoons so that the house is sorted for the weekend

• All go out for brunch together on a Sat morning. Also go out for Sunday lunch as well, even if it's just pizza or something. This will help with the endless grind of "thinking" about food and constant dishes.

• Tell him that the weekends are wasted by doing jobs like doing putty in the windows. He needs to be spending time with the kids because his behaviour in the garden can easily be perceived as avoidant (because it probably is, whether he realises it or not). Get an odd job man in during the week for these things if they really are urgent.

It might sound like this is just throwing money at the problem, but sometimes, needs must. Your priority has to be getting out of the house as a family and not wasting the whole weekend on drudge so that resentment builds up. Eat out more, take the pressure off and start enjoying the kids together.

Yes, definitely go out for meals if you can afford it. It's the clearing up as much as the cooking that gets you down.

Going out for meals would've been an utter nightmare when mine were that age. I can see how it might work if your kids sit still, but brunch out for us would've been horrifying.

Weekends should always be a 'pitch in together to do what needs to be done' situation. But that's more with a view to freeing up time so you can do something nice as a family. It sounds like it's work, work, work in your house op. Kids need to see their parents having fun and doing things together, as a family, too. What are these DIY jobs and could they occasionally wait?

He has it much harder than you. You think looking after kids is harder than a 3 hour commute and full working day? What a laugh...
Maybe stop treating your kids like little royals and put some boundaries in place. Have a fucking hot coffee if you want one.

Gimme you have no idea. My DH sits on his arse and gets lunch breaks! On the train he reads a novel. Lucky him.

He should be pitching in at the weekend and give you a few hours off. Not the whole weekend though as he should have downtime too and you should have family time.

OP

ient. DH is definitely guilty of 'oh I'll just create this excel spreadsheet of our whole household expenditure and then add in a load of formulas to show how much we'd be paying if we converted pounds to Zimbabwean dollars and adjusted for inflation' type of thing.

Please please tell me you are from 🇿🇼?!
Funniest comment ever!

OP obviously your entitle to time off and you need to talk to DH about having a half day perhaps a weekend off each. Get a coffee. Do a class. Whatever.

But I would also gently point out to him that he rarely sees his own children. Losses before bed and a few shared meals does not a relationship make. Doesn't he want more of a connection? Can he actually care for his own kids? Even when you're at home of a weekend he needs to actually interact with his family

I totally get you OP. Don't feel guilty. It's normal for you to feel that way. At least he's doing it.

Apologies if I've missed an update but it's not clear if the DIY is 'essential' ("If I don't get this started none of us will survive November") or 'optional' ("If I don't get this started I may have to interact with another person").

Our house was a bit of a 'project' (i.e. 'wreck') which was still very much underway when our DCs came, so I had to commit a lot of time to fixing up the house when they were young. It's all very well to say it can wait, it's not urgent, but if I hadn't put that time in we would now be living in a house with one useable bedroom, peeling wallpaper, rotting carpets and failing electrics.

Here is a very useful phrase for the weekend "mummy is busy go and find daddy".

And i find a sharp elbow and "get off your phone daddy it is very rude"

Gimme I've done both and I find being at home harder. It really is a matter of perspective, not absolutes.

I get that he's tired, but what he really should prioritise is time with his kids. Someone else can do the DIY, but he's their only dad. Put it to him like that.

Going out for meals is actually a good way to combine family time and avoid the hell of cooking, washing up etc. If it isn't always possible on your budget, get very simple stuff in for meals at home.