SAHM and WOH Dad. What's fair?

[SecondHandSnake]

I'm on mat leave until the end of the year. I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and our 9 month old. DH works all week, he has a 1.5 hour commute each way and is out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm.

So I do all the kids stuff on my own every day. Up, dressed, breakfast, keep them entertained all day, do all the housework, cook dinner, do bath time, story, bedtime, all on my own... at which point DH comes through the door just in time to kiss them goodnight as they go to sleep.

DH works hard and he does all the DIY and boring paperwork stuff like making sure the cars are MOT'd and insured, sorting the house insurance, all the dull stuff like that. I would happily take care of all those things BTW but I am the one at home all day, so it makes sense that I do the shitwork and he does the paperwork, which can be done remotely from his office.

At weekends, he usually disappears into the garden or starts a DIY project to do something both useful and necessary towards the upkeep of our house. Which is totally fair enough. But I just want him to take the fucking kids and let me have some time on my own!

He gets all day, every day during the week to himself. Yes he's commuting and going to work but he can use both his hands, he can drink a hot coffee and have grown up conversations, he can go for a wee, he can eat something without having to make it or versions of it in triplicate and feed it to someone else while feeding himself, then have to keep getting up to get drinks/kitchen roll/dropped soppy cup/dropped cutlery so his own food goes cold.

You get the picture.

What I'd really like is for him to take over all the kids stuff and cooking during the weekend so I get a break from it. I've cracked today and have decided I've just had enough. I've barricaded myself in the bedroom and told him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtime and make us a meal - JUST LIKE I DO ON MY OWN EVERY DAY - while I just have an hour of peace.

To be fair he's doing it all with very good grace. So much so that I feel a bit guilty. But AIBU? He works all week and has weekends. I work all week too, but it never stops at the weekend unless he takes over. But then it's not really a weekend for him is it? What's fair? How do other people divide it?

I'm just so tired. And bored.

I disagree with the PPs that day admin takes minutes. I did my own car insurance this year - took hours - not something I am keen to repeat

It's not a daily thing though like childcare and housework.

That's why I never include admin (which is all done online now anyway), DIY, or dragging the wheelie bin to the edge of the driveway.

If that's all any of us had to do at home, we'd all have a ton of spare time on our hands.

Going to work is just as difficult as staying home but in a different way. When you start to get into comparisons (my life is harder than yours / I am more tired than you) then you start to become resentful of the other person.

For what it’s worth, I woh and DH sah. He did all childcare related stuff when the boys were toddlers, plus all the household stuff, plus all the diy / gardening / admin in the week. He felt that my life was way harder than his in terms of work intensity (long commute, unable to take breaks as and when, no coffee or loo trips when you need them, responsibility of being sole earner) while he could have easy days at home after a rough night (toys on the floor, walks in the parks, naps when the boys napped) and it was part of his job to look after me. I felt that his life was way harder than mine as my job has a defined start and end, whereas he was essentially on call 24/7 doing all the night stuff and never getting a break or change in routine.

We acknowledged the other’s contribution rather than resenting the advantages the choices we had made gave each other.

In your scenario we did stuff together at weekends. I did as much hands on parenting as I could (getting boys up & dressed, playing with them, feeding them, cooking with one in a sling) because I missed them so much with long days in the week. We didn’t have one day off each, we spent both days doing it all together.

Have you actually spoken about this or have you just fallen into a pattern that you haven't challenged.

Fwiw me and dp both work shifts. Neither of us gets a single "day off" ever. If we aren't at work we are with ds. Any rare days off together we spend doing things together. It's not equal. He tends to do more of the waking up early and I tend to do more cooking but we both agree and accept that days off with a young child whilst also spending time as a family together are just not feasible.

No you’re not BU. He’s got away with not helping out for too long.

After you’ve calmed down go and talk to him. Explain you need some time for just you. Next weekend arrange to meet up with a friend for lunch or whatever or get you’re hair done or just sit in a coffee shop and people watch.

You sound unhappy and resentful being at home with small children all day. It's not a job for everyone. And there's no point in saying it's harder or easier than going to work with a long commute. I think he should help out at the weekends. And one lie in each at weekends is fairest IMHO>

IMO it's about the kids and their relationship with them. A husband who spends zero the with them Monday to Friday needs to take the kids for at least half the weekend.

You could have a few hours for yourself entirely and a few hours away form the kids doing useful stuff like shopping or washing the car or something. He could take them out while you cook dinner or something. Just to not be pawed at by small children is such a relief even if your still doing chores.

He could also have a few hours to himself. Just the same number as you get.

At least you've avoided the dreaded DP 'hobby' and he is doing useful things. Just balance your free time a bit more at the weekend.

SAHM here. Yes, I know that it seems easier to be out of the house at work all day, but it is what it is - work, not a jolly. Yes, he gets to go to the loo on his own and drink a hot coffee. But he doesn't, as you do, get to wear his pyjamas all day if he feels knackered and can't be bothered. So it's different. Harder in some ways, easier than others. And don't forget, the stress of being the main breadwinner must be hard to bear. There are four people relying on his job. That's not a walk in the park.

On the other hand, yes, you do need a break at the weekends. So it's definitely worth a conversation to decide how you do this. And what's fair ultimately depends on how you are as individuals. I did all the night feeds when mine were little, as DH really struggles with broken sleep. On the other hand, he's happy to get up early, so I've always had both the weekend lie ins. I always cook because he's rubbish at that I don't want to give myself or my children food poisoning. But yes, weekends should definitely involve sharing the load.

Depends how much DIY is really needed. If you have bought a wreak and expect him to do building work every weekend then YABU, but if DIY is just his excuse to avoid looking after the children and doing normal housework then you are not. Household admin is so easy nowadays, I can't think that is a burden for anyone. Most of it can be done with a laptop and a glass of wine when the children are in bed.

Yabu to say he has do it all, all weekend.

Thats ridiculous. I have been a sahp and a wohp. Both are hard in different ways. Currently both me and dh work. He works for himself so has far more freedom. But school pick up and dinner falls to him every night. I cook at weekends. I dont have to worry about dinner but cant just take a weekend off if i fancy it.

Life is hard when the kids are young. For both. You both need downtime. And he needs to step up with the kids at weekends.

Getting shitty about whose life is harder isnt going to get anyone anywhere apart from a shitload of resentment.

Going to work is not the break some people seem to think it is. Neither is being a sahp. Both have plus points. Both have shit sides.

When my DH is at work, I do 100% of childcare and home stuff. When he is home, we split it 50/50. We don't have specific tradeoff things like one day each, because realistically we spend a fair bit of time together as a family on weekends, but he tends to do more hands on childcare at weekends because he likes to see the kids, while I take the opportunity to do things like cooking, errands, larger cleaning jobs that I can't get done during the week. But honestly there are many weekends where we both take time to relax or go out individually and not a lot of housework or DIY gets done. So be it-- that's what life is like with little kids. My DH could invent a million garden jobs that needed to be done and I could come up with as many errands, but we don't need to hide from each other. I don't care if he lies on the couch all morning Saturday because I know we'll be with the kids together all afternoon, relax together in the evening, and on Sunday morning he will have the kids while I hit the gym and meet a friend for brunch. (That is a hypothetical but pretty typical scenario for us.). And when he is with the kids he also does everything I would do, like throw in a load of laundry, prepare and clean up after meals, etc.

I think a lot of men hide from family life by doing big DIY projects or "urgent" gardening jobs. If that's what your DH is doing, OP, nip it in the bud now.

It's more about fair division of labour . You BOTH deserve a break at the weekend

Just grab some time and tell not ask and ensure he gets a break too

Why doesn't he want to hang out with a whiny toddler and baby I ask

He should certainly take them for at least the first half of a weekend day and give you a lie in and a break till lunch time. The whole day would be nice but it might help to split it, so for example he gets up Sat morning and takes them to soft play & park till lunchtime, and then Sunday afternoon he takes them out for a bit then too. I'm surprised he doesn't want to do this more anyway, given he hardly sees them all week.

To make life easier for both of you, I would say outsource the DIY jobs for now and reduce cooking to the bare minimum on weekends. Pizza one night and something else easy the other.

Look after the kids together at the weekend?

It seems you do equal work and hours during the week so it seems fair that he has one Weekend day off and you do the same. Things should get better anyway in a few months when you go back to work and your childcare arrangements kick in again. Maybe on alternate weekends you work together and also do family things then?

It doesn't have to be a question of 'fair' in a family, does it? You acknowledge he works hard, he acknowledges you do (presumably). I think everybody wants some time to themselves occasionally and if being with the kids 24/7 is driving you mad then something has to change, 'fair' or not.

I don't think doing the whole weekend's childcare is fair on anyone for either of you but sharing it - whether that means doing it together or each taking some time away is surely the answer.

However if one of you is going to go insane without a whole weekend off (and having been a SAHM I could understand if you felt like that) and the other one can manage it once in a while, well, it should happen because it's needed not because it's fair.

I think it's fair to share the weekend, not for him to do it all. You both work hard all week, so you need to help each other have some time off (in different ways) at the weekend. He could take the kids out for a morning to give you time alone, then do gardening/DIY in the afternoon and maybe do the meals one day. Then you do the meals on the other day, and you have some time all together as a family. Or whatever works for you all, but you need to talk and plan together.

Wow you are not bu!

You work full time mon-fri with the kids so weekends need to be split 50:50

Not surprised you reached breaking point today.

Can someone tell me how I can have these easy, at home, pyjama days when I'm not working? I cannot entertain my energetic and boisterous toddler for 12 hours at home. I have never had a day with him that wasn't very tiring one way or another.

I'm in pretty much the same boat. We have date night out every week and we prioritise paying for a babysitter. We also have a cleaner who does the hard core bathroom/ kitchen clean (Although with two small children I'm still cleaning all the time, it helps). The logic of this is that my husband can't always pull his fair share at home and this is him helping to take the load off. I think this helps me feel like a person too! It's also much cheaper than a divorce! He also has the kids alone for about 3 hours in the weekend and the occasional full day/overnight so I can visit a far flung friend. I think this helps him realise how tough t can be and so he is very good at saying thank you for all the stuff I do around the house and with the children. Not to say I don't find it tough sometimes, but I do mostly feel appreciated and get a break. I should add, we really aren't well off, but we aren't in debt. We buy most clothes from charity shops etc. It's just us being in a good place individually and together is such a priority that it becomes before most other things.

I think it's fair enough you have gone on strike this weekend. He probably doesn't realise what it's like at all. It is completely different from his usual 'work' and therefore I don't think it's like working another 2 days. And anyway, it was only today, so I guess he had yesterday 'off'. My dh had to get his head around weekends not being 'his' when we had more than 1 child (1 is so easily divided, 2 or more not so much). It took ages to be honest, and a of tantrums on my part, but he did get it eventually and now I do tend to lie in on Sat or have a pm nap on a Sunday!

I'd suggest a couple of things:
Maybe you could take a 'half day' at the weekend to do your stuff.
During the week, can he be on babysitting duty as soon as he comes in so you can go out with some friends from 8-10pm or so, or go to a gym class. It's so hard to motivate yourself after a full on day with small kids, but doing something DIFFERENT does wonders. Even doing the food shop in the evening without them can be AWESOME if you have a 24h supermarket. I always end up browsing for ages [sad supermarket clothes shopper!].
Go on a short break with some friends/ family. Could just be a long weekend where you go from Friday to Sunday and he takes annual leave. I really think when they do the kid stuff for even a couple of days, the penny drops. Also book one for you and dh so he doesn't feel too left out!

Have you told him what you need?
Splitting weekend would be fair. Preferably with either you or him and the kids out of the house for at least a few hours.
If we're all at home, it won't matter if OH is doing cartwheels honking a hORN, DD will still ask me for stuff. 5 times out of 10 he'll cajole her into him doing x for her,but the other 5 it will be "nooo i want mummy to do it".
So now he takes her out .

But whatever the solution,you won't find one unless you actually talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you need.

Can someone tell me how I can have these easy, at home, pyjama days when I'm not working? I cannot entertain my energetic and boisterous toddler for 12 hours at home. I have never had a day with him that wasn't very tiring one way or another.

Sad to say, if you have 'trained' him to expect to be out and about a lot every single day, it's going to be hard to do that. I managed it quite frequently with 3! We would usually go out at least once a day, but it was not an expectation to be out and about all day every day 'being stimulated'.

There's loads you can do at home/ in the garden (him in the garden, not you, you can supervise through the window with a coffee).

You definitely need to split the time at the weekend to ensure you're both getting breaks. Unless your house is falling apart, it's time to put the DIY on hold.

When we were in this situation we usually did alternate days at the weekend. Or perhaps one did the afternoon and one the morning (obviously we did occasionally do things as a family as well )

There were a couple of times where we were both exhausted and a bit on edge and we actually split the days as if they were work shifts e.g. one did 6-12.30 and one did 12.30-7! Sounds crazy but worked wonders, was so nice to be officially 'off shift'!