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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call 101?

158 replies

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 17:47

I have an elderly neighbour who i cook for just once a week on sunday. This has been going on for 2 years. Its my way of checking he is ok.

The last few wewks he has mentioned his health is deteriorating but he is seeing his doctor.

Today I knocked with his dinner at 4, couldnt get an answer so I shouted through is he ok? He said yes he is fine leave his dinner on the wall.

I left it there for an hoyr then knocked again, he didnt answer but shouted that he is ok, he will be out soon he us just going to have a shower.
That was almost an hour ago. Still no sign of him.

Would I be unreasonable to ring 101 to do a welfare check even though he is saying he is fine? I just keep thinking he might have had a fall and be too proud to say.

In the two years he has never not had his dinner.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 10:12

*Exactly. Don't let social services push you into a carer role, which they would be very keen to do due to financial pressures.

Also when they assess his needs, really play down what you've been doing up until now, as they will say that he has enough support because you're there. Make it clear you cannot do any level of caring, and cannot be relied on or locked in to regular visits or help. Mention the operation and other commitments.

I know that sounds horrible, but separate that from what you'll actually want to do for your neighbour... it's a numbers game and I'm afraid they'll be looking for reasons not to provide help.*

This 100%. I’ve seen that happen with my DM being prepared to take on too much for my DB. SS were useless; hopefully that will change now she’s deliberately doing less.

BellaNoche · 10/10/2017 10:14

Great advice here this morning Nacho!

When I called the GP for my own neighbour that time, briefly, there was a lot of pressure for me later to be designated his carer which I declined to do for reasons others have said.

My own health is a bit iffy too and I knew I could not manage it. I've since moved house and still in contact with him but as a friend, nothing else.

Stay a good neighbour and friend but do not be guilt tripped into doing something as PP say. You are young and have a life to lead also without having red tape wrapped around a loving and kind nature.

A trip down the Legion sounds a plan!

onalongsabbatical · 10/10/2017 10:27

@WellThisIsShit your posts are brilliant, right on the nail.
You obviously have thought about this stuff.
Thank you. I hope your own relationship with your carers reflects your wisdom. They're lucky to have you!

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 15:52

Just a brief update, neighbour is in intensive care and it is possible he could lose his legs. They really just can't say either way yet.

ExMIL has drove literally across the country today to see him so she is there today, I am going to hang fire before I visit and see whats what, hopefully if he is moved onto a ward I can go.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 17:51

Nacho

Do you mind if I ask - unrelated but was it you who had the awful exP ? Sorry if I've mixed you up with someone else !

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 17:59

Yep thats me! ExSil is related to my childrens dad, not stalker ex.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 18:17

It is you !

How are you now ? He's not still at it is he ?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 18:21

One thing after another with me, I have a couple of 'my sister' threads too which are fulk of drama.

I am good thanks, court date has been pushed back to next month and he is still being a low level nuisance but I am kind of just getting used to him always buzzing about in the back ground.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 18:23

Ah I see. What's he finally been charged with in the end ? I remember the police were none too helpful ?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 18:25

He was charged with harrassment which he has plead guilty to and breach of the non molestation which he has plead not guikty to so we have to go to court.

OP posts:
PlayOnWurtz · 10/10/2017 18:26

Oh OP you really are a wonderfully kind person. You did everything right given the information you had at hand.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/10/2017 18:26

I see.

Well I hope he gets the punishment he deserves and you get left in peace '

PlayOnWurtz · 10/10/2017 18:27

And ignore wellthisisshit tell them exactly what you do and what you're happy to do - even just maintaining the Sunday dinners. Just be firm you won't take on more than you're able to. Insist they support him on discharge - tbh chances are he will probably be discharged into a care home

Ceebs85 · 10/10/2017 18:33

Oh gosh. Does he know you phoned 101? If not tell him youre going to if he doesn't come to the door within 5 mins, say you just need to see that he's ok. You might need to get quite impatient with him!

Social services and police won't do anything given he's saying he's ok.

Redglitter · 10/10/2017 18:36

Ceebs you might want to RTFT Things have moved in a great deal

TheNext · 10/10/2017 18:36

Ceebs85 you might want to read the whole thread... your comment is a little bit “cancel the cheque”

TheNext · 10/10/2017 18:36

Ceebs85 you might want to read the whole thread... your comment is a little bit “cancel the cheque”

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 18:55

Thamks Sky me too.

I think things are looking more serious than I thought yesterday so he may not make it home, if he looses his legs I imagine he might need a care home. Just going to see how things progress.

OP posts:
BellaNoche · 10/10/2017 21:22

That's so sad about neighbours condition Nacho.
You must be worn out yourself with all the stress and worry. Take it easy on yourself and shout up if you need a helping hand. Good karma back to you Flowers

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 21:38

Thanks Bella.

They have said he is going to be in hospital at least 4-5 weeks. They are taking his legs a day at a time and making no promises.

Apparently he has been living off weetabix and milk. I always make him a huge dinner with the thinking that he could split it in two and have half the following day so I am so glad now that I have been doing that. All the leftovers I have given to the dog that could easily have made another portion of dinner. I am kicking myself.

OP posts:
PlayOnWurtz · 10/10/2017 21:40

Don't beat yourself up over this. He's an old boy who's pride has got the better of him.
It's not uncommon. Hopefully he will come out of this and when he does will accept any help given.

Fatbird71 · 10/10/2017 22:11

I think you did a great thing. I lost my mum on Xmas day due to kidney failure, having fallen and spending the night on the cold kitchen floor. We found her still just about conscious the following morning. This is the week after talking to her about wearing one of the emergency pendants around her neck. She refused.

It breaks my heart to know that she was stuck in the floor for over 18 hours whilst we tried ringing her, Drs ringing her and all assuming she had gone to bed early. We went down first thing the following morning to have a meeting with her and social services. All because she was too stubborn to accept help.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 22:14

Fatbird so sorry to hear about your mum Flowers so hard to watch people make decsions we don't agree with. Xx

OP posts:
Fatbird71 · 10/10/2017 22:42

Must confess there were several heated discussions and had finally got her agreement to look into sheltered accom. Shame it had taken so long to get her agreement. She only ever had a hot drink when we were there as she couldn't carry it.

She also had a very good neighbour who would let know if the light was either left on or not switched on. We would always get a text if they were concerned so that we could deal with it.

Just that time, her luck ran out. Spent all Xmas eve watching her slip away. Still, we all learnt one very important lesson. Dont be so flaming stubborn and accept help when it's offered.

WellThisIsShit · 10/10/2017 23:43

Oh how sad and worrying OP. Please don't kick yourself about anything, you've been brilliant. Poor man :(

Sounds like a lot of the ideas for the future sadly aren't applicable now. It's incredibly sad.

If he gets through this, at least it won't be a difficult decision for him to accept help, as it will be a dramatic change in daily functioning vs a slow and upsetting gradual loss of capabilities... and ss won't expect you to be moving a completely immobile neighbour around, or doing intimate personal care. Just generally makes the roles and responsibilities clearer for everyone concerned.

And thanks OnA, I do have ace carers now, went onto employing them directly. Far better than being part of a system where everyone is treated badly (starting with the carers themselves). My carers have keys and I trust them to not squish my boundaries and personal space. As there are only a few, I'm able to agree clear rules with them so I get to maintain my privacy, dignity and independence as much as possible. And of course, it makes carers job satisfaction much better if they aren't intruding on someone's most personal boundaries when they walk through the door!

Took me ruddy ages to get the hang of it though, still learning really, and that's after a few years. It makes me really sad to think that elderly people generally don't have that time or opportunity to learn a different way of life and a way of accessing help that works for them. I have to find another actually and I'm dreading it! Drat one of my main carers getting their big break into an industry they've always dreamt about (ok, ok, I'm happy for them really!).

Thinking of your neighbour tonight, and hoping he's able to get through this. Flowers

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