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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call 101?

158 replies

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 17:47

I have an elderly neighbour who i cook for just once a week on sunday. This has been going on for 2 years. Its my way of checking he is ok.

The last few wewks he has mentioned his health is deteriorating but he is seeing his doctor.

Today I knocked with his dinner at 4, couldnt get an answer so I shouted through is he ok? He said yes he is fine leave his dinner on the wall.

I left it there for an hoyr then knocked again, he didnt answer but shouted that he is ok, he will be out soon he us just going to have a shower.
That was almost an hour ago. Still no sign of him.

Would I be unreasonable to ring 101 to do a welfare check even though he is saying he is fine? I just keep thinking he might have had a fall and be too proud to say.

In the two years he has never not had his dinner.

OP posts:

LoudestRoar · 08/10/2017 18:15

Can you yell through the door that although you hate to do it, unless you can see he is ok, you'll need to get further help?

GeorgeTheHamster · 08/10/2017 18:17

Yes. Push him to open the door and let you in.

JonSnowsWife · 08/10/2017 18:18

Would I be unreasonable to ring 101 to do a welfare check even though he is saying he is fine? I just keep thinking he might have had a fall and be too proud to say.

No. Please do. A concerned neighbour rang my Dads girlfriend one morning. She was found dead on the floor when they broke in.

I'm sorry if I've scared anyone and such stories are incredibly rare but always better to be safe than sorry.

PossibiliTea · 08/10/2017 18:18

It's not ideal but is there any way you can see through a window of anything?

Rachie1986 · 08/10/2017 18:18

Hmmm tough one. I understand what the police are saying but it sounds like he might need some help of some kind.

He is very lucky to have you as a neighbour x

insancerre · 08/10/2017 18:20

A man locally died because he had had a stroke and was left with his leg against the fire
His carer was embarrassed because hex was naked
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-england-lancashire-41285974

Redglitter · 08/10/2017 18:22

No. Please do. A concerned neighbour rang my Dads girlfriend one morning. She was found dead on the floor when they broke in

But that's totally different circumstances. No-one is disputing the police will do welfare checks but it's usually because as in your case someone hasnt been seen, or their curtains havent been open in days etc
This is totally different the Ops neighbour has spoken to her & said he'd ok

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 08/10/2017 18:26

I think you need to tell the neighbour that he needs to come to the door or you're ringing the police / an ambulance.

The ambulance service would just call the police to force entry for them, and the call handler you spoke with is giving strange advice. I've climbed through many windows, forced my way into various houses and broken enough doors down over the years to check on the welfare of people stuck in their homes!

If he admits there's an issue, it'll be easier to get the right type of help.

Sirzy · 08/10/2017 18:29

They won’t force entry for what is seemingly a “functioning” adult who is saying they are fine.

Sadly even if something has happened you can’t force help upon someone who doesn’t want it.

onalongsabbatical · 08/10/2017 18:30

Ok, he's spoken and said he's ok, but he's repeatedly said he'll be there in a minute and not appeared. My guess is either he's having an episode of confusion which could point to a minor stroke, or he's fallen and doesn't want help but I think that's less likely. Personally I'd call NHS direct or the ambulance service straight off and tell them exactly, with timings, why you're concerned, and see what they say. I'd be surprised if they didn't want to come out and check him. Maybe I'd tell him first what I intended to do, maybe not - I think that's a call you can only make because you know him. But I wouldn't take his word for it that he's ok and do nothing, because his lack of appearance for quite a few hours now would indicate that something's wrong - if he's confused from a minor stroke he may not realise it himself, hence saying he's ok.

Original poster

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 18:31

I have asked him directly does he need help or has he had a fall and he is adamant he is fine and will be down soon.

It sounds like he is calling from upstairs.

Police aren't interested and I am reluctant to call an ambulance when he is coherent and doesnt sound to be in any pain.

There was a very long wait to get through to 101 so maybe they are busy hence them refusing to help.

Since he is saying he is fine and sounds ok I will just knock back again in another hour.

OP posts:

JonSnowsWife · 08/10/2017 18:57

RedGlitter the neighbour had spoken to my Dads GF the night before. They had no reason not to suspect all was not well. The only thing that made them ring was the sound of her baby crying.

OP. Are you sure he might just want a day to himself. I can be quite antisocial on some days too. Hope he's okay bless him.

Anymajordude · 08/10/2017 18:58

I think that's for the best. Give him some time then call again. Hope he's ok.

Disn3yN3rd · 08/10/2017 19:02

One, I really wish there were more people like you in the world.

I would tell him you’re worried and ask him if he can come down to just let you see he is okay.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 08/10/2017 19:02

Has he been upstairs the whole time you've been talking to him through the letterbox? If so, I would put money on he has fallen & cant get up but doesn't want to bother anyone.

GlitteryFluff · 08/10/2017 19:03

You sound lovely op.

KoolKoala07 · 08/10/2017 19:07

What a kind neighbour you are.

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2017 19:07

Give him another half hour/hour and check him again.
Maybe explain you are worried about him and you just want him to come to the door/window so you can see he is ok.
If he still doesn't play ball then do call an ambulance.
It's better to over react than not react at all and him being in real distress but too proud or scared to ask for help.

SandyDenny · 08/10/2017 19:11

It sounds like you are right to be concerned, does his voice sound normal?

Xeneth88 · 08/10/2017 19:13

Maybe he has a stomach bug and doesn't want to explain that to you.

BriechonCheese · 08/10/2017 19:16

You're a lovely neighbour.

Original poster

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 19:18

His voice sounds fine.

I understand he might be poorly but surley just saying, having a sleep would suffice. Or not feeling to well will knock later. Or anything but I am fine I will be down in a minute.

OP posts:

WellThisIsShit · 08/10/2017 19:21

Trouble is that you cannot force people to accept help.

If they are deemed capable of making their own decisions, then even if we don't like their decisions, they remain in control.

Which makes it difficult in cases like this, where a fully independent adult who has no history of needing intervention, who has expressed his wishes clearly a number of times today... you can see why the police would not have sufficient reason to do anything?

And yet... it's out of character and you are extremely worried something isn't right. I think you're probably correct tbh, and he's had a fall or is in an embarrassing state that he can't get out of so is stuck not wanting help but not being able to resolve his situation himself. Or maybe a urinary infection which can have symptoms of a massive decline in functioning and confusion etc?

I'd maybe go round and try again, say you're worried and offer to call for a doctor (I'd be talking about out of hours doctor vs ambulance so it's not dramatic and 'don't want to be a bother' type of thinking).

Perhaps say you dont want to intrude and you wouldn't stay around to listen but maybe a doc or nurse might be someone he'd like to have a quick word with?

It's very difficult... I hope all is well in the end.

Natsku · 08/10/2017 19:22

I hope he's ok, sounds quite worrying that he isn't getting his dinner/coming downstairs. He's lucky to have a good neighbour looking out for him!

LottieDoubtie · 08/10/2017 19:27

This is so worrying OP. I don't think I could stop myself going back and forcing the situation by saying you are going to call the police if he doesn't show you he's ok.

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