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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call 101?

158 replies

NachoAddict · 08/10/2017 17:47

I have an elderly neighbour who i cook for just once a week on sunday. This has been going on for 2 years. Its my way of checking he is ok.

The last few wewks he has mentioned his health is deteriorating but he is seeing his doctor.

Today I knocked with his dinner at 4, couldnt get an answer so I shouted through is he ok? He said yes he is fine leave his dinner on the wall.

I left it there for an hoyr then knocked again, he didnt answer but shouted that he is ok, he will be out soon he us just going to have a shower.
That was almost an hour ago. Still no sign of him.

Would I be unreasonable to ring 101 to do a welfare check even though he is saying he is fine? I just keep thinking he might have had a fall and be too proud to say.

In the two years he has never not had his dinner.

OP posts:
Idontevencareanymore · 09/10/2017 16:42

Don't feel bad. You couldn't have known. And at least he's getting help now.
You did a good thing op

EarlessToothlessVagabond · 09/10/2017 16:46

Discharge planning for him will probably involve recommendations for a falls pendant and possibly a key safe. And probably a variety of other things around the house to help prevent falls. He doesn't have to agree to them of course but hopefully he will. Thank goodness you were around for him.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/10/2017 16:47

What do they think will happen someday ?

Are they hoping to get better ?

DavetheCat2001 · 09/10/2017 16:50

Nacho I just wanted to add my voice as well and say what a lovely person you are, and a truly good neighbour Flowers

I hope he recovers well and something can be implemented like a panic alarm so if he gets into difficulty someone can get to him.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 09/10/2017 16:53

An elderly person (or anyone really) who spends too long on a hard floor is at risk of kidney damage. How well he recovers will begin with the degree (hopefully none) of kidney damage

PossibiliTea · 09/10/2017 16:56

You did the absolute best thing and anyone would be lucky to have you as a neighbour. Flowers

lookingbeyond40 · 09/10/2017 16:59

Oh how awful! But remember you’ve done everything you can and he’s still be laying there if it wasn’t for you contacting your family.

Please take comfort in that, you can’t break the door down lovely. He’s in the right place and perhaps they will get some sort of care out in place for him at home

Ontheboardwalk · 09/10/2017 17:09

Thankfully he had such a lovely neighbour like you who didn't take what he was saying at face value. He could still be there now.

Hopefully this will be a wake up call and, as others have said, he'll now get the pendant, key safe etc

NachoAddict · 09/10/2017 18:30

I think I am going to have a key and hopefully he will agree to an alarm.

It actually took them a good hour and half for them to be able to move him because his blood pressure kept dropping.

I am so glad my dad lives close and will have me as he gets older. This has really brought home how vunberable old people are.

I am happy to pop in every day and check on neighbour, make him a cup of tea and check he has eaten but I don't think he will want me to help with personal care or anything.

OP posts:
BellaNoche · 09/10/2017 18:47

Hello NachoFlowers
What a stubborn chap! Despite all his efforts to put you off.... you stuck with it and have probably saved his life!
Good on you.
We all think you are fab and are booking in for a roast next week, best start peeling the spuds now!

All good wishes

tocas · 09/10/2017 18:52

Op please don't feel bad! There are not enough people like you in the world - you sound like a lovely neighbour. If you had t raised the alarm he may have been there longer

SandyDenny · 09/10/2017 19:49

Well done Nacho, you've been a fantastic neighbour, you should be proud of yourself Flowers

Hoepfully your neighbour will be back to nornal soon

WellThisIsShit · 09/10/2017 21:20

I've become disabled in recent years and am reluctantly dependent on carers.

So I 'get' what it's like to be elderly in some ways... helpful people rushing to tell you what to do and what you care about and how you must live! Not talking about you by the way - obviously I hope!

But people, including many hcps trample all over your dignity, independence and right to decide how you live, and yes, right to decide how you die too. And the amount of people who think as soon as you're physically disabled (or elderly I suspect), you no longer have basic human rights like medical confidentiality for example. It was horrible at the beginning, there's a big different between being 'a normal healthy adult' and becoming incapable in some way. Experiencing that gap, is upsetting whether you're 27 or 87. At least I got better at advocating for my right to be treated in the same way other adults are, but many elderly people wouldn't be in a position to do that.

It's essential that elderly people are listened to, and their wants, and fears are fully respected. Even if it means watching someone make mistakes and poor decisions.

I faved that this year, as my mother had a fall, was lying to everyone about the state of her house and her capabilities etc. You'd have thought I'd be really strong on the whole 'not my choice to make' stuff, but it's so hard when you're on the other side of it!

Caring and helping elderly people stay healthy can be done though, whilst respecting the persons rights and capabilities. Especially when people just need a bit of help vs a complete shift to being dependent on others for daily life.

IME there is a higher positive take up on OH equipment, as that's all about helping people stay independent longer (& therefore keeping people out of your home!).

My mother jumped for that as it was helping her to what she was insisting on doing - staying in her house (forever, sadly I think she wants to die there, to the extent that she will discharge herself and lie through her teeth, in order to die by a horrible fall and thirst/ injury getting her before anyone carting her off to a care home. It's very very sad, but, I can't change her mind. And in a way, I hope she gets to control it like that, by hook or by crook, she's damn determined and very good at manipulation (!), because I'll feel like a traitor if I'm the one she thinks has stopped her in the end.

Re emergency access to your neighbours home... I'd hope the professionals are sensitive to his feelings as well as ease of access. After having had some council provided agency care, I refused a key safe, much to the anger of various people. I realised that with the council sourced agency care experience I had (which will be location specific), the key safe meant giving up any control over who entered not just my house but my bathroom or bedroom, and at any time of the day. With several different agencies, all with huge numbers of carers appearing any time of the day, hardly ever seeing the same face twice, it was absolutely hideous!

I hope that your neighbour isn't pressured to have one in the same way I was, as I was made to feel like a stupid incompetent child :(

If the situation is rather better though, or used differently, a keysafe might be good. I can imagine if you're an elderly person who's unable to get up, dress or do any personal care then it works better as they aren't moving around, or trying to wee (or change sanitary pads/ incontinence wear etc), when carers walk in.

Hopefully, it doesn't sound like your neighbour is quite at that stage, so after a rehab period, it may be that he consents to you having a key in case of emergencies, but that you promise only to use in it circumstances he agrees with you in general beforehand.

Or if he doesn't have carers then perhaps a keylock just for gp practice/ community nurses, & you/ neighbour/friend? That way he gets to use his house as his own still, but there's an emergency plan in place.

If he's broadly ok, then he'll probably be let home with an OH assessment. They'll install a few handles, grips etc, and perhaps a walker, and he'll be back to living how he used to.

NachoAddict · 09/10/2017 21:58

Well he is settled in hospital, tgey suspect he has septicemia, from his legs. I only asked him last week about his legs and he said the doctor had given him some tablets but they obviously haven't worked. They also think he has hypothermia from laying naked on the floor all night.

Sil dad (we can call him bob) is meeting with social services at the houde tomorrow to see what they can put in place. There is talk of carers, rather than use an agency there is a lady round the corner that they know who would do most of it and I would just pop in each night at tea time, check he has eaten make him a cuppa and what not.

All this being said though, its wether he will agree to any of it. As I said before it was only last week that he relcutantly let me get him milk from the shop. He is usually mobile and active, he gets out to the legion and goes to the shop. Its only since his leg got bad that he has really struggled so if they sort that out then he might want to continue as he was.

I don't feel comdortable everyond de iding whats going to happen and assuming he gets no say.

I just hope he agrees to me having a key and knows that I would never just waltz into his house other than dire emergency unless he has agreed otherwise.

Apparently him saying he was fine may not have been stubborness or pride, the septicemia could have made him delusional and he may have genuinely thought he was resting in bed.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 09/10/2017 22:21

Poor old fella, I’ve just read the whole thread. You’re such a lovely neighbour to him, I also wish there were more people like you in the world. I hope the septicaemia can be treated, it’s a horrible condition and yes, confusion is one of the symptoms. He’s in the right place at any rate.

It’s good that you will have a spare key, that will avoid this happening again.

Ontheboardwalk · 09/10/2017 22:30

Nacho appreciate you want to do the right thing and having a spare key and checking he's ok is a brilliant thing to do however please be careful not to take on too much yourself.

You popping in each teatime is a huge commitment. Please tell his family to take as much help from SS and professional carers. They can arrange rotas, cover etc.

What if you're away! Or Ill yourself?

Garlicansapphire · 09/10/2017 22:36

Dear OP what a good and kind person you are. Without you he could have stayed on that floor for many days - you got him rescued.

By the way, social services have a duty to offer person centred care - which means he should have choice and control over what happens to him and what support he needs based on how he wants to live - it cant be decided for him if he has mental capacity.

NachoAddict · 09/10/2017 22:41

That is a good point boardwalk I have a holiday booked and an operation next year that will see me out of action for 6 weeks. I hadnt even thought of that.

I will see what social services come up with. They only want to deal with one person and 'Bob' has agreed to be their contact as he has known neighbour for many years.
years.
I am very annoyed with the other neighnours all gathered on the front crowing about how welk they know neighbour and they hope he is ok. I have not seen a single one of them in the two years I have neen here. One even knocked at my door to see how I am apparently when it was blatanly obvious she just wanted the gossip.

OP posts:
BellaNoche · 09/10/2017 23:03

Nacho, I also agree with the posters who suggest that you don't take too much on, it does sound a lot.

It is ok to say that something is too much.

Decide what is manageable for you too.
Bob sounds the right choice as the link person in all of this with you having a key if you are ok with that.

Good advice from those here who know how the system works.

Sorry about the neighbours ...they sound a right bunch of vultures.
It's also ok to not answer your own front door to them if you don't want to Grin. I doubt they would call anyone to report their concern if you just shout through the letter box now and then.

I hope neighbour starts to improve soon, nasty business for him indeed. He is very fortunate to have such a lovely neighbour.

NachoAddict · 09/10/2017 23:23

Thanks Bella I am one of these people who just always wants to help and often end up with my handsful.

I think him having formal carers would be best and I can still pop round and have a cuppa, check he is ok, pop to the shops, cook his sunday lunch but without being relied upon as his actual carer. I hope that makes sense. But we will see what happens, what support he needs, what he agrees to.

Thank you so much to everyond here for the support and advice.

I will hopefully update tomorrow that he is looking brighter and getting better.

OP posts:
Poshjock · 10/10/2017 00:08

Don't worry about them making decisions without his say so, he will be given the options available to him but ultimately it is up to him to consent to anything and everything.

You mentioned he goes to the Legion - it may be worth popping in there yourself and speaking with a committee member. There is often a welfare officer and it may be that he can get visits from volunteers, or assistance to go to the Legion for a wee bit company?

You did a great job there OP - if it wasn't for you the outcome could have been worse, you are the reason that help got to him. He is a very lucky man to have a neighbour like you watching out for him.

NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 06:24

Thanks PoshJock! I will pop up to the legion, I always gey it mixed up with the Conservative club but I am aute its the Legion he goes. He likes to get out.

OP posts:
blondebuddha · 10/10/2017 08:09

OP just read the whole thread and you should be really proud of yourself. Alot of people don't get involved in things like this for whatever reason, you did completely the right thing and the chap is lucky to have you.

As a carer for the elderly in their own homes, I have to agree with pp r.e you taking on too much being an unofficial carer. It's not as easy a job and people think, especially when social services are more than happy to rely on someone like you as you don't have to be paid. Awful truth is that alot of this comes down to money. Watch out for the care agency managers who will also happily rope you I to doing a free shift! Sorry to be a party pooper, not all care is like this but there's ways a chance. Best to be prepared than caught out.
Keep doing what you're doing and check up with a cuppa, he'll appreciate that so much more than if he feels obliged to go round.
He will also talk to you more as a friend than as an assistant.
On the other hand you will also feel better knowing that you're not obliged to go round too. Relationships in these situations change dramatically when one is dependent on the other.

Good on you op Flowers

NachoAddict · 10/10/2017 08:15

That is an excellent post, it makes so mucg sense, as do tge peoplw who pisted previously.

I will be very careful what I agree to, but that doesnt nean I can't pop in and keep an eye on him too, just not be officially his relied upon carer.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 10/10/2017 09:52

Exactly. Don't let social services push you into a carer role, which they would be very keen to do due to financial pressures.

Also when they assess his needs, really play down what you've been doing up until now, as they will say that he has enough support because you're there. Make it clear you cannot do any level of caring, and cannot be relied on or locked in to regular visits or help. Mention the operation and other commitments.

I know that sounds horrible, but separate that from what you'll actually want to do for your neighbour... it's a numbers game and I'm afraid they'll be looking for reasons not to provide help.