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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs & Stag dos

784 replies

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 10:44

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 10/10/2017 10:16

I can't help but notice the inability of the strip club police to actually have a discussion. Seems you need to resort to taking the piss and trying to patronise anyone that disagrees with you.

Do you know who does disagree with you? The law! These clubs are here to stay. If you want to make a difference go and protest outside them, rather than repeating the same essay over and over on an anonymous forum so that other anonymous posters can give you a pat on the back.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:24

I can't help but notice the inability of the strip club police to actually have a discussion. Seems you need to resort to taking the piss and trying to patronise anyone that disagrees with you.

A shame you posted this as I have certainly not done that and in my last reply to you (which you ignored) I began by thanking you for your response. It's you being patronising by dismissing the impact these clubs have on myself and many girls I know as us being the "strip club police" before revelling in them being "here to stay". Lovely.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:27

Oh and I'm doing my A Levels and as girls I know have suffered harassment from men going to strip clubs I can't say protesting outside them is too appealing anyway. I have actually opposed the licence renewal as have my school and local residents in the area this particular club is. Your patronising and belittling is quite unpleasant given how I've tried to discuss things.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 10:33

Rubbish Nancy many posters, especially NoLoves have discussed in great depth what the problem is. We have hardly just been taking the piss. NoLove has spent a lot of time here discussing the issues.

There has only been one or two posters on the other side who have actually discussed why they think strip clubs are ok in any depth. Mostly it's been 'All men do it', 'Men can't say no to their friends' etc etc.

I don't think the lack of discussion is on the anti strip club side.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:36

Indeed U2. It's frustrating when I've spent so long trying to discuss politely to read a post like that one. It's also a little upsetting some won't even try to empathise or engage with some of the points I've made on the impact on many girls (and women), instead revelling in their existence, feels like it's almost rubbing it in.

kali110 · 10/10/2017 10:40

I agree that nolove has been very polite, and has put her point across wonderfully, i may not agree with most of it, but i do respect it

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:42

Thanks kali110 and for engaging positively!

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 10:43

I genuinely would love to know why some people think strip clubs aren't a part of the problem, how they don't feed into our misogynistic culture.

They do. There can't be no denying that, surely?

Perhaps I missed some posts explaining it in depth. It's been a long thread.

kali110 · 10/10/2017 10:45

We should be able to have a discussion without insults, people who don't like strip clubs should not be called prudes, and no, not every man will go to them ( mine doesn't see the point) however, people who have no problem shouldnt be called 'cool wives'.
People are going to have opinions!
We should be able to discuss without insulting each other.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2017 10:52

"People are going to have opinions!
We should be able to discuss without insulting each other."

It's interesting that people get so upset at being called "cool wives" when they fit the definition perfectly. I don't know why they just don't "own" it. What bit of it don't you like?

kali110 · 10/10/2017 10:54

It's interesting that people get so upset at being called "cool wives" when they fit the definition perfectly. I don't know why they just don't "own" it. What bit of it don't you like?
Because its patronising and used to shut down any discussion?

kali110 · 10/10/2017 10:54

Because it insinuates that they're only ok with it to suit the huSband?

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:55

Not a criticism of you Bertrand but it's not fair or helpful in my opinion. It's belittling of other women and also makes it more difficult for important points which I feel mine are to be got across, as people become defensive. I find that quite frustrating too when I'm trying to make points I feel so strongly about due to how these clubs impact on myself and other girls I know.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 10:57

How many times has 'cool wives' actually been used on this thread?

A handful of times tops?

Cool wives is sometimes pretty accurate though. If someone is saying that all men go, all men are lying to you, no men can say no to their friends and the women goes along with it based on those reasons I think they fit the definition pretty well.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 10:58

For example I feel pretty irked by Nancy91's post for the reasons I outlined and now the discussion has been sidetracked onto this, making it easier to ignore my points again.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 11:00

Because it insinuates that they're only ok with it to suit the huSband?

Sadly so many women do though. Not all of them but too many of them.

On a lot of these threads throughout the years it becomes quite clear that many women aren't comfortable with it but feel like they have to go along with it because all men do it and it's only natural.

It does happen, regularly.

kali110 · 10/10/2017 11:01

U2HasTheEdge
Cool wives is always used as an insult whenever there is a porn thread or a stripthread.
Ive never had a problem with porn even before i had a bf yet im still a 'cool wife'.Hmm
Its funny that you want to get your points across but if you come across hostile who really is going to bother taking any points in?

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 11:02

now the discussion has been sidetracked onto this, making it easier to ignore my points again.

Sidetracked or not, I don't think your points are going to be addressed by Nancy.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 11:05

Kali two posts ago was the first time I used the term cool wives on this thread.

Sometimes it fits and sometimes it doesn't. There has been a hell of a lot more to this discussion though. People have spent time discussing the issue in depth. It's unfair to say this thread has been full of insults when the majority of it hasn't been.

NoLove has spent the most time on this thread and I don't think she has been hostile at all.

Nancy91 · 10/10/2017 11:07

It wasn't me that was being taken the piss out of but others who also didn't see the big deal with strip clubs. I'm sorry NoLove but I think I know more about the industry as a dancer than you do as an A level student, I don't mean to patronise you but I'm assuming as you're so young you and your peers aren't old enough to have any first hand experience with them.

I don't think the men that go to these clubs are bad people, mainly lonely and lacking confidence without a drink in my opinion. You have probably been served in restaurants by men who visit them. Helped by doctors who visit them. Had relatives that have visited strip clubs. The poster describing people you've never met as "cronies" or whatever it was is very strange as you don't know the reasons they have behind wanting to pay for a bit of female attention. There are nice men that have been in strip clubs. It doesn't forever taint their personalities.

At least you know what you're getting when you walk into a strip bar. Music videos are normally needlessly degrading to women and not appropriate at all, I would say that's worse as they're hard to avoid and played in the daytime when kids can view them. The clubs around here are age 21+ or 25, they aren't forming the opinions of young impressionable kids.

kali110 · 10/10/2017 11:10

I don't think nolove has been at all, i've already said how polite and well thought out her posts are, even if i don't agree.
I think she will go very far in life.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 11:20

Thanks kali110.

Nancy91 you've ignored the actual points I was making. I wasn't claiming to know the ins and outs of the industry but describing the impact on myself and many girls I know. I may only be an A Level student but I've known how they've made me feel for a long time. Also being GCSE students didn't stop men on their way to one harassing some friends about how they could work there one day a couple of years ago. I also wrote about the impact on women in workplaces and their careers in some circumstances.

I know they've demeaned me and I know how they make many girls at my school feel as does the school itself.

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 11:22

Plus if you think teenagers don't know about them and they don't impact us then you're very wrong. You say yourself I'm "so young" so how can you tell me they're not impacting us when you're not as young as me? Your post prior to this one was also quite unpleasant revelling in them "being here to stay" when I'm telling you how they make myself and many girls feel and their impact.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2017 11:25

I'm sorry NoLove but I think I know more about the industry as a dancer than you do as an A level student, I don't mean to patronise you but I'm assuming as you're so young you and your peers aren't old enough to have any first hand experience with them.

I am 36 and have not set a foot into one either. I have no first hand experience but I know how they contribute towards our misogynistic culture.

We don't need to go into a strip club or know dancers to understand the affect it has on other women and girls.

This discussion hasn't been about the dancers themselves but the impact it has on us.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2017 11:27

Once again, this is not about the women who work in the sex industry.

It is about the men who use it.

And the society that condones it. Actually, more than condones it- regards it as an essential service.