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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs & Stag dos

784 replies

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 10:44

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 18:49

"If they are in any way vulnerable, not looked after or forced into it I would have an issue"

How do you know they aren't?

sharklovers · 09/10/2017 18:52

You think deceiving loved ones is amusing and that men who wouldn't want to go to such a place would be mocked, speaks volumes.

Yes, amusing in the same way I find Jimmy Carr amusing, wrong but funny.

It’s not that guys would be mocked for not going just because it’s a strip club, insert any other activity you like. It’d just be seen as being off, the last thing I want to do at 2am is go to a strip club, however it’s not about me it’s about the stag if that’s their bag. No strip clubs on my stag as my mates know I wouldn’t find it fun.

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 18:54

As I said, that I know teenage boys with more backbone than you and the men you know says a lot. Reassuringly plenty of men aren't as weak as you seem to think they are.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 18:58

Shark- if you have children, have you ever uttered the famous parental line "if he told you to jump off a bridge would you do it"? We are always telling our children not to give in to peer pressure.......

doodle01 · 09/10/2017 19:05

Well done NoLoveofmine sure the original poster is massively reassured.

Joey7t8 · 09/10/2017 19:15

I don't think you need much strength of character as a 17 year old boy to not even attempt visit a strip club. The large bouncers on the door and ID checks will be far more off putting than any sense of moral obligation.

Nancy91 · 09/10/2017 19:16

To be honest most men that visit strip clubs on stag dos have had a lot to drink beforehand, so it is a lot easier for their mates to persuade them to go in. I have only heard of men going home when their mates go to the strip clubs on MN. In real life it seems hard to get them to leave the club!

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 19:29

Another wilfully obtuse post seeing as I quite clearly said Ones who challenge misogyny amongst peers and won't stand for sexism.

sharklovers · 09/10/2017 19:43

Shark- if you have children, have you ever uttered the famous parental line "if he told you to jump off a bridge would you do it"? We are always telling our children not to give in to peer pressure.......

It’s not peer pressure per se, more about wanting the stag to have a good time. I’ll happily do other activities as well if that’s what the stag wants to do. No way I’d do a bungee jump out of choice but I would for a friend.

pp2017 · 09/10/2017 21:00

the situation you describe going with colleagues is another reason they're harmful. Many women would not feel comfortable either going or knowing colleagues went. I wouldn't in future. This could harm women's careers. I find the notion of having to work with men who think this is acceptable pretty worrying.

You are assuming this was some sort of pre-planned event - it was a spur of the moment idea that was mutually agreed by a group of people while on a night out..... how exactly is that harmful to anyone’s career?

HostaFireAndIce · 09/10/2017 21:13

I have only heard of men going home when their mates go to the strip clubs on MN.

I'm never quite sure what people mean by this sort of thing. Does it mean that you think people are lying when they say it? Or is it an acknowledgement that people with different values to you might have friends who also have different values?
pp2017, I don't think you understand how networking works.

pp2017 · 09/10/2017 21:38

pp2017, I don't think you understand how networking works.

Eh?? I don’t think you understand my question...

Of course I know what networking is, don’t be so bloody patronising when you know nothing about me or my job!!

I was asking how my specific scenario was harmful to the career of any of the women in that situation when it was a mutually made decision by a group of friends, who also happened to be work colleagues??

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 22:14

"I was asking how my specific scenario was harmful to the career of any of the women in that situation when it was a mutually made decision by a group of friends, who also happened to be work colleagues??"
If it was just friends going out after work it's just grim and sleazy. If work was going to be discussed then it is outrageous and almost certainly discriminatory because it's an environment where women and people,e of some ethnic groups and religions are likely to be very uncomfortable.or more likely just not go.

HostaFireAndIce · 09/10/2017 22:23

Indeed, or the women in the group may well feel obliged to act like they are comfortable with going even if they’re not, out of fear of repercussions on their promotion prospects.

pp2017 · 09/10/2017 23:06

the women in the group may well feel obliged to act like they are comfortable with going even if they’re not, out of fear of repercussions on their promotion prospects.

Steel yourself, but grown women are actually able to make their own decisions you know - just because those decisions don’t conform to your own ideals does not mean that those decisions were made under some kind of coercion or duress....

certainly discriminatory because it's an environment where women and people,e of some ethnic groups and religions are likely to be very uncomfortable.or more likely just not go

Which part of “spur of the moment” and “mutually agreed” didn’t you understand?

Selectively ignoring certain parts of my post to meet your own agenda does not make you in the right, it just makes you come across as self-righteous.

I accept these things may happen in some cases and at no point have I ever said it doesn’t happen, but they were absolutely not the case in my particular situation so please stop telling me what happened in a scenario that I was party to and you were not!! It’s patronising, and condescending.

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 23:10

I have posted at considerable length about all these things on this thread pp2017. It's quite frustrating to be expected to go around it all again. I was talking in that post as I have in others about the situations many women find themselves in when it comes to such clubs and the workplace, which I've read testimonies of and my dad has asked women he works with about to ensure he contributes to a positive working environment for them. I and others were talking about workplaces generally which could clearly be very uncomfortable for women - I would find it so (and incredibly demeaning) if I'm ever in that position in the future when I start working. That it happens as even you acknowledge shows yet more of the damage strip clubs do to women.

I won't be able to continue debating at this length on this thread if posts continue as it's frustrating when some won't even try to empathise with many of my points about how I and many other girls feel on this when I've tried to discuss things politely, plus I'll not have time as will be quite busy with school.

SoftDay · 09/10/2017 23:53

I fancy NoLoveofMine's ould lad.

pp2017 · 09/10/2017 23:55

Ditto and right back at you @NoLoveofMine !!

I haven’t asked you to go back over your points, in fact please don’t, you’ve repeated them so often I think they’re ingrained in my brain 😳

I have already empathised with your points especially the ones about a club near a school haven’t I?

and nowhere have I said you are wrong - it’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it.

I gave a very specific example of a real life situation I WAS IN but posters have responded by turning it around into things that “might have been” or “in other situations....”

I wasn’t talking about other situations, as I’ve said, yes I agree those things can and most probably do happen!

But in my case it didn’t - I’m simply stating facts to put across a differing point of view, isn’t that the point of a discussion?

While I can happily accept that there are differing opinions on this topic, you and others on this thread seem wholly incapable of accepting any other view than your own (and get huffy and absolutely have to have the last word on the matter when any other poster challenges your view?)

Killdora · 10/10/2017 00:17

I love the way the inevitable posts start rolling in of ‘All my mates/husbands mates do it behind their wives backs and have a jolly good laugh, therefore every man is doing it. Or wants to’

Bless them.

Nope, not even close to ‘every man’ wants to do it. Just the men you have surrounded yourself with. Birds of a feather...

I personally prefer to surround myself with the type of person that respects other human beings enough to not attempt to buy the rights to lech at them.

sharklovers · 10/10/2017 07:15

Nope, not even close to ‘every man’ wants to do it. Just the men you have surrounded yourself with. Birds of a feather...

Nobody’s saying that every man wants to. I can agree with you 100% that we’re not all out there actively looking for strip clubs. I think though that there aren’t that many men that have never set foot in one. As for the men I surround myself with, I have no control who I meet through work and recently joined a group of complete strangers.

thewooster · 10/10/2017 09:01

I wonder if the situation was reversed and a group of mixed colleagues decided to visit the new Bell Ends club which opened last week and has naked men on display, on the pole, for the married women and men amongst the group to look at whilst they drink and discuss business.

The single women can go off and have a private dance with a specially chosen hunk they like the look of.

I wonder how many men would like to do business in those circumstances? I wonder how many 'mixed group of friends nights out' would end up in Bell Ends?

PhelanGood · 10/10/2017 09:22

Bell Ends 😂 I wonder, is that the name of the 'exclusive gentleman's club' sharky keeps going on about?

Nolove - I think many mumsnetters would be interested in joining a protest against this club being in the vicinity of a school! Also - you've pwned the crap out of all the strip club apologists.. kudos, girl Star

NoLoveofMine · 10/10/2017 09:33

Thank you Phelan! I would have to PM more information about the club in question and location as I'd not like to post it publicly due to it revealing my school.

Killdora indeed so and thewooster excellently put!

thewooster · 10/10/2017 09:41

Haha Phelan I agree would make an excellent club name for Sharky and his cronies.

But if the situation was reversed and a club like Bell Ends did exist, no way would men tolerate this.

And no way would it be allowed to open near a school or on a route schoolchildren frequent.

Getout21 · 10/10/2017 09:56

I do think it's odd that strip clubs are a thing & it's largely accepted by society that it's ok for men to pay a woman to dance naked for them. I don't like them but my husband has been to a couple (met in our teens). Never had a private dance (or so I'm told). I do agree that most men have been to them though There are hundreds so they would go out of business. Look at all the red light districts in Europe, I've seen plenty of men with rings on go into booths in Amsterdam. Depressingly as a young adult I went to Amsterdam with a large mixed group. The conversation turned to whether one would use a prostitute (not equating prostitutes with strippers) the consensus was no but due to hygiene, embarrassment, cost etc. Not one man said anything about trafficking & these were all educated men (doctors, architects, bankers, police etc).

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