Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs & Stag dos

784 replies

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 10:44

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

OP posts:
geekone · 08/10/2017 23:40

Thankfully us "cool wives" don't need to go on relationship boards. Funny that!!

HelenaDove · 08/10/2017 23:50

Thats because Having And Keeping A Man Is the Be All and End All No Matter What He Does is what you are prepared to live by.

bridgetoc · 09/10/2017 00:58

YABU ........ He was on a stag. Take a chill pill!

MaisyPops · 09/10/2017 06:35

Why is it not cheating just because money changes hands?
Because cheating is about trust and boundaries.

Say Man and Woman were in an oprn marriage. If Woman slept with someome else then it wouldn't be cheating because no boundaries have been broken and no trust has been betrayed.

Whereas 2 people are in a monogomous relationship, therefore if either of them slept with someone else then it would be cheating.

The sex isn't what makes it cheating. The betrayal is.

So in terms of the OP, whether it is cheating or not depends on the boundaries they have in their relationship.

MaisyPops · 09/10/2017 06:36

Should add, regardless of different views on the existenxe of clubs, most people on here (me included) agree that ghe OP is right to he annoyed because he broke her trust and lied.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 06:40

It doesn't matter whether it's cheating or not. That's not the point. It doesn't really matter who has lied, or what conversations have been had. The point is that a person who thinks it's OK to treat women as something you can "rent" is not a nice poison.

MaisyPops · 09/10/2017 06:54

Betrand, i hear what you'rr saying.

The thing is you and I clearly approach the ethics of their existence from a different point of view.
You seem to think thry afe awful whenever.
I think that as long as all adults in any type establishment like that (e.g. lap dancing, strip clubs, chippendales, naked butlers etc) whatever way round the sexes are as long as all parties are adults, the activity is legal and all individuals give free informed consent then it doesn't matter whay my feelings are.

We have to agree to disagree on that one or it becomes circular.

The OP is clearly not ok with them and that's fine. Her DP lied, which is not ok. What random strangers think is inconsequential.

speakout · 09/10/2017 06:57

Part of the reason I chose my OH as a partner was because he would run a mile from a stag do or a strip club.
Enjoying these events is a character trait that I don't find attractive.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 07:07

"I think that as long as all adults in any type establishment like that (e.g. lap dancing, strip clubs, chippendales, naked butlers etc) whatever way round the sexes are as long as all parties are adults, the activity is legal and all individuals give free informed consent then it doesn't matter whay my feelings are."

Obviously the other major consideration is that there is no way of knowing which individuals have given free informed consent and which haven't........

Sunkisses · 09/10/2017 07:44

YANBU. Absolutely gross. Talk to your husband about the sex trade and trafficking of women. Buy him Julie Bindel's new book on prostitution, the sex trade, and trafficking. Educate him about the realities behind this gross, sexist industry.

speakout · 09/10/2017 07:48

*Educate him about the realities behind this gross, sexist industry.
*

I prefer grown up men. Not ones who need to be educated about these things.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2017 08:15

@Restlesstraveller

Any chance for discussion here was shut down by the second comment 'cool wives'.

As an ex dancer (yes in a strip club) I never once felt degraded but I do by those who dismiss people that don't agree with them with such distain.

I agree with you.

Women choose this line of work and have not taken leave of their senses. They aren't being exploited as so many on here seem to think.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 08:16

"Women choose this line of work and have not taken leave of their senses. They aren't being exploited as so many on here seem to think."

What, absolutely none of them?

SandyY2K · 09/10/2017 08:53

What, absolutely none of them?

Certainly not all of them ... not as dancers anyway.

A few dancers give their comments every time these threads come up, but they get ignored.

Why are those working in the dancing profession being ignored by fellow women time and time again?

I've not met one dancer who wasn't doing it out of choice. Just like the sugar babies. They've chosen it for the good money.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 09:00

"What, absolutely none of them?

Certainly not all of them ... not as dancers anyway."

But nobody has said that all of them are not fully consenting.

annielouise · 09/10/2017 09:13

And of course in order to do it you must rationalise the awfulness of it away to some extent, surely?

Nancy91 · 09/10/2017 09:18

Dancer's comments on these threads are always either ignored or met with patronising pseudo-sympathy.

None of the women I know have been forced to dance. You actually normally have to pay a fee to dance in clubs!

Even if there is a hidden minority of women that are exploited and forced to do this, I'm not going to condemn the entire industry. That's akin to boycotting ALL clothes shops because some of them exploit children for cheap labour in factories abroad.

Teddy7878 · 09/10/2017 09:20

Do any women here just don't want their OH going to strip clubs because of insecurity/jealousy reasons? There's no shame in it and I think more women should be open about the fact they suffer from insecurities

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 09:24

Why are those working in the dancing profession being ignored by fellow women time and time again?

I've posted numerous times on this thread and am firmly against the existence of strip clubs because I find them demeaning to me as do many girls I know to them. What's been ignored is how it makes many other women and girls feel and the impact on so many other women and girls, from girls who have to walk past them and suffer the ogling and comments from men on their way there to the women whose careers suffer as they're excluded from work nights out where their male colleagues are bonding and furthering their own over objectification of women. I note everyone defending strip clubs ignored my comments about how many girls at my school feel about the one in close proximity to us, nor the harassment some have suffered from customers when leaving school late from time to time.

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 09:26

Do any women here just don't want their OH going to strip clubs because of insecurity/jealousy reasons?

This suggests the issue is with women, not men who are happy to go to an establishment which profits from the objectification of women. I wouldn't want anything to do with any man who saw this as acceptable.

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 09:29

Also, many ignored that a man posted on this thread about how he and his male friends go to strip clubs and that he finds their deceiving their wives about it hilarious as their wives disapprove but he's seen "what they get up to" at strip clubs. How amusing to laugh at those silly women they're married to who find them demeaning but have no idea they go!

colourdilemma · 09/10/2017 09:33

Late to this thread but I’m always astonished at the number of men who go to strip clubs etc, even on a stag do. DH feels the same and has come home early once or twice when the group has decided to go.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 09:39

"Do any women here just don't want their OH going to strip clubs because of insecurity/jealousy reasons? There's no shame in it and I think more women should be open about the fact they suffer from insecurities"

I have many insecurities. This is not one of them.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2017 09:43

"Even if there is a hidden minority of women that are exploited and forced to do this, I'm not going to condemn the entire industry."

Do people not think it is extraordinary that there is an entire industry devoted to women getting their tits out for men? Do men not think "Bloody hell, this is utterly pathetic of me to be here, paying good money to look at a stranger's tits"?

NoLoveofMine · 09/10/2017 09:49

Do people not think it is extraordinary that there is an entire industry devoted to women getting their tits out for men? Do men not think "Bloody hell, this is utterly pathetic of me to be here, paying good money to look at a stranger's tits"?

Quite. "Pathetic" is the word my dad used yesterday when I asked him what he thought of men who go to strip clubs and I'm confident the boys I'm friends with would think the same. It would be risible if the culture they perpetuate wasn't so damaging.