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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women have had a miscarriage at some point?

275 replies

brasty · 08/10/2017 00:18

I get the impression from talking to friends, that most women have had a miscarriage at some point, although most are very early on. Is my impression correct do you think?

OP posts:
Sistersofmercy101 · 08/10/2017 12:44

With the advent of pregnancy early testing, I think that we're finding out just how fragile the human condition is - that to say how likely miscarriage is... I think that it is important to remember that a miscarriage is a loss not something anyone can be entitled to say "oh yeah but your loss doesn't count because if you hadn't tested you wouldn't know" - also the knowledge of how "infrequent" a successful full term pregnancy is (if all conceptions were statistically compared against the number of live births) then perhaps all those who suffer unexplained infertility or a loss miscarriage /still birth wouldn't feel so alone or abberent? Just my thoughts on a delicate but so sad phenomenon.

Oldraver · 08/10/2017 12:49

I think the NHS figures are way out as I think it's very under reported.

Several of my MC's I wouldn't of sought help from the GP, I only did as I needed an Anti-D. One of them I had to really convince my GP as she was reluctant to give it me as ....'.it was very expensive'

eeanne · 08/10/2017 12:53

Brokenbiscuit agree not sure how people are speaking for others!

All I know is I've never had one. I've never asked my mother about it so I have no idea if she's ever had one. I would never assume someone hasn't had an MC unless they said so.

NeverForgotten · 08/10/2017 12:57

1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I was unaware the stats were so high until I lost my baby. It's not spoken about much but for a lot of couples there is a silent grief which most don't talk about openly.

PlayOnWurtz · 08/10/2017 13:23

I'm saying what the consultant told me!

PlayOnWurtz · 08/10/2017 13:30

I apologise for using the word dick! That's just my way of dealing with things as I am one of those who is desperate for another baby (why would I go through 5 losses and consultant appointments otherwise...) I just feel that for many a lot of heartache (4 week losses) can be avoided by simply waiting until you've missed your period to test. And I say this as someone who has tested early then had a 5 week loss. It's horrible but had I just waited that extra week I could well have prevented myself a lot of emotional trauma.

I hold my hands up though. Dick was the wrong word to use.

Original poster
brasty · 08/10/2017 13:35

Of course women should be able to grieve for a miscarriage, but not all women will feel the same about it. For some it is devastating, for others not. Both are normal reactions.

But I do think there should be more publicity about how common it is.

OP posts:
somethingfromnothing · 08/10/2017 13:41

i agree with the poster who mentioned the need to rule out ectopics in early pregnancy. As well as having several miscarriages I've also had an ectopic. It was early at 5 weeks and I just assumed it was an early miscarriage. I went to the hospital just so there would be a record of it and it turned out to be ectopic.

Original poster
brasty · 08/10/2017 13:46

I didn't realise you should do that.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 08/10/2017 13:48

Using the sample of my four close schoolfriends I was very close to at on TTC subject - that is, the ones about who I can say I know with certainty whether or not they had a miscarriage, and I, only two out of the five of us had miscarriages. I had 3 and the other person had one. I remember trying to cheer myself up by thinking that if statistically most women would have a miscarriage (single) at some point maybe my having three would mean that one of my friends wouldn't have any. Stupid I know.

holdthewine · 08/10/2017 13:49

The NHS stats don’t take into account that many women have multiple pregnancies. I have 5 adult children but between them I had 2 early miscarriages as did many of my friends. I’d say at least half of us had one, vast majority before 10 weeks. My adult DDs’ friends are having the same sort of percentage I’d say, sadly.

I always feel especially sorry for those who lose the first as there is the worry it will always happen but, most of the time, it doesn’t.

BertieBotts · 08/10/2017 13:50

I do think miscarriage care and early pregnancy care in the UK is poor, I didn't really appreciate this until experiencing it abroad. I do sometimes find it a little bit too medical for my tastes where I am but here every practitioner who works with pregnant women has an ultrasound scanner and they use them all the time, they aren't rationed so strictly as in the UK. I would imagine this to be a huge part of how someone mentioned private scanning companies are profiting on women's anxiety in early pregnancy.

I think I had more scans in the short pregnancy I only knew about for a week than all the scans I had in my 41 week pregnancy with DS! Confused

PlayOnWurtz · 08/10/2017 13:50

I agree to get seen. However my hospitals reaction at the time (a callous student) said to me "so you've had your period then". I walked out without being scanned.

BertieBotts · 08/10/2017 13:51

Fair enough PlayOn but I still disagree. I think it can be helpful to know about early losses if they help count towards a diagnosis.

OlennasWimple · 08/10/2017 13:51

YANBU

Most of my brilliant group of friends wouldn't realise that I have had two miscarriages, as it's not something that I talk about unless something very specific comes up.

I feel very hypocritical because I wish that we spoke more openly about it in society, but I also hate discussing my personal experience

LetsSplashMummy · 08/10/2017 13:56

I noticed a real difference between my pre-baby friends who started TTC in their late 20s, mostly have an age gap around 2yrs as planned, almost no miscarriages. My school mum group of friends is just about 5yrs older and there are much bigger gaps and everyone has had at least one miscarriage (between 8-10 people in each group).

Obviously, some young people miscarry and plenty of older people don't, I'm not claiming any direct, unwavering link, just a risk association. I was so surprised that it was so noticeable in my peers.

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 08/10/2017 13:57

I've been lucky and never had a miscarriage but I know so many women who have that I have to say I assumed certainly with my third pregnancy, and slightly with my second, that I would lose the pregnancy simply on what felt like the law of averages.

Garlicansapphire · 08/10/2017 14:26

I would never judge anyone for the impact of their loss - and feel very much for those who have experienced it repeatedly.

For me my 5 or 6 week miscarriage was very sad and disappointing but didn't comoare with having to give birth to a dead baby at 20 weeks who'd died in the womb and then have a D&C. It was my first pregnancy and hit me very hard. I was off work for several weeks and very low.

A colleague couldn't understand why I'd take so much leave 'just for a miscarriage'. Hmm. I was most grateful to another colleague who came and talked about it with me rather steering clear of the subject. I went to a family party a fe days after still in baggy clothes for a now empty bulge - my Mum insisted on s group photo (thanks!) and no one said a word. Embarrassed and ignoring a difficult subject. I was hurt.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 08/10/2017 14:28

And I say this as someone who has tested early then had a 5 week loss. It's horrible but had I just waited that extra week I could well have prevented myself a lot of emotional trauma.

Would you, though? You were obviously trying and knew when your period was due (thus knowing when you could test). You'd have noticed it was late. You'd perhaps have noticed some early pregnancy symptoms (as I said upthread, I've always got a distinct kind of breast soreness than set in a few days before my period was due when pregnant). You'd have still had a week of building hopes and excitements, of thinking 'what if?' and 'maybe'. You'd probably have been even more likely to focus on every twinge and sign from your body, no matter how hard you tried not to think about it. And then you'd have got an unusually heavy, painful period. I strongly suspect you'd have been just as upset and disappointed, with the added confusion and self-doubt of not having actually known for certain.

Original poster
brasty · 08/10/2017 14:35

When I had an early miscarriage, I had early pregnancy signs. I knew I was pregnant. But not everyone gets this.

OP posts:
kali110 · 08/10/2017 15:30

Brokenbiscuit obviously i don't speak for all my friends, but my two best friends, we tell each other everything, even things i don't want to know!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2017 15:35

Playon - I hope you reported the sniffy dismissive little shit then! How very fucking rude of them to say that to you. Angry

Agentcoulson · 08/10/2017 16:40

Garlicansapphire that's terrible, no wonder you were hurt. You must have been so sad.

Agentcoulson · 08/10/2017 16:48

That's just my way of dealing with things
You've had a tough time. Can't imagine how you and others cope with so many losses.

TattiePants · 08/10/2017 17:11

3 friends and my SIL had recurring miscarriages and a number of other friends have had at least one.

I miscarried one of my twins around 11 weeks (found out at the 12 week scan) and until that point I had never heard of a vanishing twin. As I had no miscarriage symptoms I would never have know had I not had a scan. Apparently vanishing twins are quite common.