To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

[brasty]

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

Jacques you've misunderstood me. I'm talking about if parents were in a relationship but did part time parenting e.g another posters example of kids living in a home mum stays dad leaves, dad leaves mum stays etc. When are they all together i.e a full family. Id find it bizaree. I'd imagine most people just have a night out with the girls when they can as a break not complete split parenting. Don't think I'd ever unstand that.

THat's our life, and it works fine. DS dad and I are very amicableco-parents, he comes over at least twice a week to see DS, is nearly always available to look after DS if I want a night out (or a day out doing something non-child-friendly).

DS was a suprise: his dad and I were longterm drinking buddies who were, um, a bit careless one night. Because we always got on OK, we have continued to get on OK. We have family days out, minibreaks together etc, too.

There isn't a lot of money, but I don't think it would be all that different if DS dad lived with us. Being poor is just the way life is for a lot of people.

BTW DS is 13 and our arrangements have worked fine for 13 years. I think perhaps the two key factors are: We were both older when we had him (39) and we are both not all that fussed about couplehood. We have each had a few dates and/or short flings with other people over the years, but we are both more interested in our work/hobbies than in couple-relationships.

I often think this. I have friends who are divorced and split childcare 50/50 and seem to live the life of riley in terms of ‘me time’ and socialising. Still wouldn’t give up hubby though!!

Or those who still have their DH at home, love them, nice romantic life, AND they do housework and parent properly. And each partner gets to have a social life of their own.

It's kind of like your single mum example... with a partner.

lots of my friends ( the majority !) are happily separated from their partners - something about midlife and with shared care or majority care even.
As everyone works there is an element of sharing the cash but no ones complaining
None of them are hard up which clearly helps
Most have moved on
No one seems to argue
Most seem to get to do what they want
Most wouldn't go back if they could

I wish. My DD's Dad doesn't bother with her. Hasn't for 2 years 😢

I'd do anything for some time to myself. I have no family and believe it or not, no friends. I literally do not get a single moment to myself EVER.

I don't have any single friends but there is a couple of single mams at school, who have the best clothes, drive around in decent cars and have a break when there exs have the children. One person even said to me she was better off single with all the benefits she gets.

This thread does sound rather anti men.

Sorry to hear that, you can inbox me if you want to chat.

Hmm. the happiest mums I know are all married.

I suspect the happiest mums are those with good and reliable support, whether they are single, living with partner or married.

I know a fair few single mums, myself included and very few have exes who have the children half the week! Christ I would be happy if I had one day a week child free haha But we are very happy regardless

YANBU I am in that situation and am so much happier and relaxed. My married friends envy my grown up weekends away and being able to lie in. My kids get quality time with their dad and I make extra effort to do fun stuff with them on my weekend with them. It's taken us a while to settle into being a broken family but it def comes with its perks and I wouldn't go back to how we were before. I have also had the same thoughts on maybe there's a better way to survive family life...seeing how many parents split up I think it's worth investigating!

I have a great dh who sees our dd as ours. He's not great at being organized but he makes sure I get to socialize and have hobbies. I know my single parent friends get childfree weekends which would be nice occasionally but my dh definitely is worth it!

It's great that you know so many wonderful parents - but you shouldn't let your perception of other people's situations influence how you feel about your own.
It may be true that having some "time off" helps with patience and mood in general when parenting young children, but it is possible to have that as your children get older even when you're in a relationship. As a single parent I can tell you that the logistics that go with co-parenting after a split, the financial strain of being a single parent, and the experience of splitting up with your child's father, not to mention the complexities involved in forming a new relationship if you're lucky enough to fall in love again, are a high price to pay for an occasional night out or lie in. I'd be delighted not to have had to go through any of it and just book a babysitter once a week.
Although IME being a single parent, however hard, is better than being miserable in a very destructive or difficult relationship.
It's sad that we tend to think the grass is always greener elsewhere - usually it's not and it doesn't really help us deal with our own realities, or empathise with the unseen difficulties other parents (married or single) might be going through.

The happiest mums I know have:

Partners (male and female) who parent equally. No one I know who is married to or living with a man child is happy

External support in the form of family close by who are involved and helping.

Where I live in the case of parental separation the default is half and half care. I know some single mums who are devastated to be split from v young children half the time.

I think having an involved other parent and support is the key, not marital status.

hope this helps OP

That's me and while yes, I hear about a lot of partnerships where I think thank god I'm not lumbered with THAT as well as a child, there's always the fear her father might meet someone else who doesn't parent in the way I would (or he would, which is normally to agree with me!!!). Right now it's great but there are a lot of factors which could upset the apple cart that you have on lock down if you're married. What to do at Christmas for example. Where to send them to school. Sharing decisions with someone whom you get on with but not enough to BE in a relationship with, can be a bit of a trial.

Beaubeau was that meant for me? X

This whole thread is based on FOMO and it's not healthy to be comparing yourself to others like that, especially not when you don't know what's going on behind d closed doors. There are happy people in all situations but distilling all the various entries already given - I think the crux of the matter is that happiness is perhaps achieved where everyone has balance, regardless of what that set up looks like.

Oh yes! This works absolutely perfectly until both partners meet someone new who already has children and they have shared care and it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

We've all seen the aibus about step kids sharing bedrooms and who to take on holiday and how horrid the OW is.

I don't think that does any of the children involved any favours at all.

YABU

I agree OP although i have happy friends that have marvellous husbands that pull their weight- or considerably more so in one friends case along with grandparents etc that have the kids for the weekend to give the parents a break.
I feel a tad jealous at times as a single mum with no parents or ex partner to pick up the slack or give me a break ever. Although my little boy is wonderful and wouldn't change it for the world

Both DH and I kept up our hobbies and friendship groups after we had children. We were both happy for the other to get 'time off' when needed. We were also lucky that we had very hands-on Grannies and several local babysitters.

DH was never any good at the domestic stuff so if left to take care of our DDs he invariably took them to Pizza Express or F&Bs to feed them, but I was fine with that. He was also happy for us to have a cleaner when our DDs were little even though I only worked a couple of days a week.

Shared care often means limited financial support of course as both could be working and shared holidays where child care has to be found.
Shift work required flexibility but it works both ways
Gets easier when kids at school easier still when they can take themselves home
It's not in itself a state of bliss.
More and more men I think are saying what's the point of having kids you don't see or see occasionally just to work all the time and pay maintenance. Better off seeing them and earning less.
Then of course there are the dads who had the child care prior to separation of which there are a couple.

I totally agree OP, I feel that the nuclear family model too often allows gross unfairness in the division of labour to go below the radar.

The set up you explain in your OP is not common in my circles enough to agree with you.

The happy single mums I know are happy because they left useless partners.

I think any mum with a good support network can be happy